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W.  S.  QULLEY, 

LIVINGSTON,  ALA. 

FEB  18  mi 


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THE    SECRETARY   OF   THE    CLUB. 


// 


THE 

HISTORY  AND  RECORDS 

OP   THE 

ELEPHANT   CLUB. 

COMPILED  FROM 

AUTHENTIC  DOCUMENTS  IN  POSSESSION 

OP    THE 

ZOOLOGICAL  SOCIETY. 

BY 

Q.  E.  PmiANDER  DOESTICKS,  P.B.  -^a^. 

AUTHOR  OP  " DOESTICKS'  LETTERS,"   " PLU-RI-BUS-TAH,"  "THE  WITCHES, 
PROPHETS,   AND  F^^iANi^T  iRBiD^lRS  OP,' ii-ElB  VoRK,"  ETC. 


"Renown  has  made  the  euphonious  name  of  'Doesticks'  familiar  to  the  ear  of  all 
the  reading  public  throughout  the  length  and  breadth  of  the  land.  Those  who  woald 
eschew  the  blues  and  drive  dull  care  away,  should  read  Doesticks'  books  and  see 
what  he  n&yB.^^—Lansingburg  Gazette,  N.  T, 

"  A  humorist  and  a  satirist  of  a  very  high  order.  His  blows  are  aimed  with  severe 
accuracy  against  a  vast  number  of  the  follies,  frailties,  and  humbugs  of  the  day,"— 
Baltimore  American,  Md. 


\ 


J)ljxlalr^lpl)xa: 

T.    B.    PETEKSON    AND    BROTHERS, 
306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


ExTBRKD  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  tlie  year  1S56,  Jy 

LIVERMORE    &    RUDD, 

In  the  CterS'g  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  thci  Southern  District  of  New  Toik. 


nils  IS  THK    VEl'JTABLE   AND  VERACIOUS    HISTORY  OP  THE   DOINGS 
AND   MISDOINGS  OP  THE  MEMBERS  OP 

THE    ELEPHANT   CLUB. 

WITH    A     MINUTE    AND     PAIVTICULAR    NARRATIVK    OF    WHAT    THBT    DID*, 
TO  WmCU   IS   ADDED  A  COMPLE^C  AND  ELABORATK  DESCRIPTION  OF  WUAT  TUEY   DIDN'T. 

CONTAINING  ALSO   THE  EXULTANT   RECORD   OF  THEIR 

IIKMORABLE  SUCCESS  IN   EVENTUALLY  OBTAINING,  EACH  AND  EVERY 

ONE,  A  SIGHT  OF  THE  ENTIRE  AND  UNADULTERATED 


^iiiiuiil, 


FROM    THE    rUlMITIVE    HAIR    OX    HIS    ATTKXUATED   PROBOSCIS,    TO    TUB 
LAST    KINK    OF    HIS    SYMMETRICAL   TAIL. 


COMPILED 

DT   MR 


KNIGHT  ROSS  OCkSIDE,  M.D, 


AND    MK, 

Q.  K.  PHILANDER   DOESTICKS,  P.  B. 


ivil08670 


CONTENTS. 


HOW    THEY    MET. 

Famu 

What  there  wasn't — What  there  was — A  fancied  recognitfon — Singular  coin- 
cidences—Preamble and  resolution — a  third  party— A  fourth  party — Accu- 
sation of  petty  larceny— Satisfactory  explanation— Spirits  in  the  closet — 
A  mysterious  letter— Alarm  of  Boggs — More  mystery — A  murder  anticipated 
— The  reason  why — A  perplexing  predicament — A  philanthropist  discovered 
—A  general  embrace— Au  astonishing  statement 11 


HOW    THE    CLUB    ORGANIZED. 
The  second  meeting— A  learned  dissertation— A  document— Rules— Prelimi- 
nary speeches  and  criticisms— Order  of  business — An  election— Congratu- 
lations— The  dinner 


THE   ELEPHANTINE    DEN. 
Its  location— The  furniture  and  its  arrangements— A  sentinel  elected— Punish- 
ment for  intrusion- Resolutions  adopted 


FIRST    DISCOVERIES    OP    THE    CLUB. 
A  new  character— A  glimpse  at  the  animal— A  tall  tallier— A  proposal— Dis- 
covery of  a  group  of  street-statuary— A  pistd-gallery — Bowling-illey— 


VIU  CONTENTS. 


The  oriental  elephant— Novel  pipes— Oriental  experience— A  meinbev 
frightened— A  new  character— Playing  Turk— Ceremony  of  initiation— Art 
in  conchology— Astonishment  of  Johnny  Cake— Engine  No.  32M— The  rope 
breaks— Hose  24?^— The  race— Mixed-up  spectacle— A  general  row  after 
the  fight— The  Club  reso  'eu 65 


FIRST    EVENING  WITH    THE    CLUB. 

Preliminary  proceedings— Bobington  Thomas  confesses  his  profession — 
Thomas  and  his  dogs — New  York  dog-pound — Thomas  accepts  silver — Mr. 
James  George  Boggs— Johnny  Cake's  railroad  experience— A  malignant 
conductor— A  passenger  sings — A  second  passenger  wakes  and  joins  in 
the  chorus — Song  interrupted  by  an  accident — Results  of  the  accident — 
Train  in  motion— The  song  finished— Johnny  Cake's  abstinence — First 
experience  in  Gotham — Curious  coincident — Wagstaff's  note  book — The 
elephant  seen — Members  initiated. 63 


THE    COLORED    CAMP    MEETING. 

A  dense  smoke — Resolutions,  preparations— The  journey— Queer  specimens 
of  Religion— Corn  whisky — Effects  of  a  hymn— Return  to  Gotham     .        .    182 


FURTHER   DISCOVERIES. 

Order  enforced— Boggs  practises  the  art  of  self-defence— Successful  fight 
with  the  stove— Unsuccessful  fight  with  the  nigger — Quackenbosh  keeps 
late  hours — Deacon  Pettingill  on  a  bender — Is  taken  to  a  gambling-house — 
Loans  and  loses  ten  dollars — Persecution  of  a  corner  grocery-man — A 
gunpowder  plot — More  of  the  Dutchman's  troubles — Cousin  Betsy — Love, 
pride  and  poverty — Mr.  Buxton  and  the  nigger — Shanghae  coat — A  gra- 
tuitous baptism— Conflict  between  Buxton  and  the  darkey  .       .        .    146 


CONTENTS.  IX 

Pao« 
THE    CLUB  IN    AN    UPROAR. 

South-ferry  stages — Beginning  of  mishaps — The  military — The  Lager  Bier 
Invinciblcs— The  fat  gentleman — Old  maid  faints— Battle  of  Broadway — 
An  Irish  funeral  procession — One  cent  short — The  journey's  end — Over- 
dale's  juggling— Johnny  Cake  drunk— An  examination  of  Johnny's  com- 
panion—How he  lived •        .        .    188 


JOHNNY    CAKE'S   FIRST   SPREE. 

Johnny's  fall — He  goes  into  the  Bowery — An  artistic  barkeeper— The  fly— A 
Kansas  oflacial— Johnny  Cake's  delusion— A  Chatham  street  auction- 
Johnny's  sensation — The  gift  enterprise — Dropper's  dream  and  hopes  of 
success — The  realization — Who  didn't  win 212 


THE   POLICE    COURTS. 

Visit  to  Essex  Market — Peculiarities  of  Edward  Bobber— Palmerston  hook 
the  eel-catcher— The  poet  in  Limbo — ^Warbles  moralises — A  German  wit- 
ness— The  oath— Disturbed  by  cats — Mysterious  caterwaulings — The  mys- 
tery explained — Bad  liquor— A  Tombs  lawyer — His  retainer— An  Irish 
wake — An  eccentric  corpse — A  free  fight — The  corpse  in  court — The  case 
concluded — Timothy  Mulrounney — Michael's  virtues — Timothy's  cat — Mr. 
Blobb — A  knowing  oflScer — Old  Dog  Tray — Blobb  discharged — Quackenbush 
confesses — Quackenbush  forgiven 231 


THE   HAMLET    NIGHl. 

Attempt  to  swindle  the  darling  public — The  ghost — A  sr^all  Hamlet  and 
large  Queen— The  ghost  in  an  overcoat— The  death  scene— Overdale'8 
ideas— An  unappreciative  boy— Inconsistencies— Clockwork  legs — A  com- 
plicated case 


CONTENTS. 


MRS.    THROUGHBY    DAYLIGHT'S    FANCY    DRESS    JAM. 

A  complicated  case — ^Mr.  Spout's  offer— Dropper  bewildered— Spout  expatiates 
upon  the  genius  of  Brown — The  Turk  and  Choctaw — The  fancy  dress  jam — 
The  Elephants  at  the  fancy  dress  jam — The  result 804 


CONCLUSION. 

The  club  in  danger — Resolutions— The  records  of  the  club — Their  compila- 
tioQ— The  last  of  the  Elephant  CHub 818 


liAnr  unit  %tmh 


,  >  o  »  < 


[Enter  with  a  Flourish  of  Trumpets.] 


Shakespbabe. 


were 
no  two  horses  to 
be    seen   windinsr 


along   the    base  of  a  precipitous  hill ;    and  there 
wero  no  dark-looking  riders  on  those  horses  which 


11 


12 


were  not  to  be  seen ;  and  it  wasrCt  at  the  close  of  a 
dusky  autumn  evening ;  and  the  setting  sun  didnH 
gild,  with  his  departing  rays,  the  steep  summit  of  the 
mountain  tops ;  and  the  gloomy  cry  of  the  owl  was 
not  to  be  heard  from  the  depths  of  a  neighboring 
forest — first,  because  there  wasnH  any  neighboring 
,./  forel^fj  Jaij'djisfecond,  because  the  owl  was  in  better 
,'  .' JDiisd^fss,  having;»some  hours  before,  gone  to  bed,  it 
*  '*  hb*w  b^iag  'bi*o'ad  daylight.     The  mountain  tops,  the 
lofty  summits,  the  inaccessible  precipices,  the  preci- 
pitous descents,  the  descending  inaccessibilities,  and 
the    usual  quantity   of   insurmountable   landscape, 
which  forms   the   stereotyped  opening  to  popular 
romances,  is  here  omitted  by  particular  request. 

The  time  and  place  to  which  the  unfortunate* 
reader's  attention  is  particularly  called,  are  four 
o'clock  of  a  melting  afternoon  in  August,  and  a 
labyrinth  of  bricks  and  mortar,  yclept  Gotham.  The 
majority  of  the  inhabitants  of  the  aforesaid  place,  at 
the  identical  time  herein  referred  to,  were  perspir- 
ing ;  others  were  sweltering ;  still  others  were  melt-  • 
ing  down  into  their  boots,  and  the  remainder  were 
dying  from  sun-stroke. 

At  this  time,  a  young  gentleman  seated  himself 
behind  the  front  window  of  the  reading  and  smok' 
ing-room  of  the  Shanghae  Hotel,  in  Broadway.    The 


WHAT   THERE   WAS.  13 

chair  he  occupied  was  capacious,  and  had  been  con- 
trived originally,  by  ingenious  mechanics,  for  the 
purpose  of  inducing  laziness.  The  gentleman  had 
taken  possession  of  this  article  of  furniture  for  the 
double  purpose  of  resting  himself  from  the  fatigues 
of  a  month's  inactivity,  and  also  securing  a  position 
where  ^e  could  see  the  ladies  pass  and  repass,  in 
hopes  that  the  sight  might  dispel  the  dull  monotony 
of  a  hotel  life  in  the  city,  during  summer.  On  this 
occasion,  to  secure  additional  ease,  the  individual 
had  adopted  the  American  attitude  of  raising  his 
feet  to  a  level  with  his  head,  by  placing  them  upon 
a  cast-iron  fender  behind  the  window — an  attitude, 
by  the  way,  not  particularly  characterized  by  its 
classic  grace. 

There  was  nothing  remarkable  in  the  dress  of  the 
person  to  whom  we  have  alluded.  He  was  evidently 
a  victim  to  the  popular  insanity  of  conforming  to 
fashion.  So  strictly  were  his  garments  cut  and 
made  in  accordance  with  the  prevailing  style,  no 
one  could  doubt  for  a  moment  that  the  taste,  or 
want  of  taste,  manifested  in  his  dress,  was  not  his 
own,  but  the  tailor's.  In  his  hand  he  held  a  small 
cane,  with  which  he  amused  himself,  first,  by  biting 
the  ivory  head,  then  by  making  it  turn  summer- 


14  A   FANCIED   RECOGNITION. 

saults  through  the  fingers  of  his  right  hand,  after 
the  manner  in  which  Hibernians  are  supposed  to 
exercise  their  shillelahs. 

"Whether  the  activity  in  the  streets,  the  appear 
ance  of  the  ladies  with  every  variety  of  dress,  or 
the  gymnastic  eccentricities  of  his  cane,  were  par- 
ticularly entertaining,  is  very  questionable;  certain 
it  is,  that  the  expression  of  his  eyes  showed  gra- 
dually less  and  less  of  animation.  By  degrees  his 
eyelids  closed.  His  head  soon  vibrated  with  an  irre- 
gular motion,  until  it  found  a  support  against  the  back 
of  the  chair.  His  hat  fell  from  his  head,  and  his 
cane  dropped  from  his  fingers.  His  muscles  became 
fully  relaxed.     He  was,  undeniably,  asleep. 

He  had  been  sleeping  nearly  a  half  hour,  when 
an  individual,  who  was  walking  leisurely  down 
Broadway,  casually  glanced  in  the  window  of  the 
Shanghae,  where  our  first  person  singular  was  sleep- 
ing, with  more  seeming  comfort  than  real  elegance  of 
position.  He  seemed  struck  with  the  appearance  of 
the  sleeper,  and  pausing  for  a  brief  time  to  survey 
his  form,  contorted,  as  it  was,  into  all  sorts  of  geo- 
metrical irregularities,  curves,  angles,  and  indescrib- 
able shapes,  he  entered  the  hotel,  passed  around  into 
the  room  where  the  sleeper  was,  and  did  not  stop 


AND   MISTAKEN   ONE.  15 

until  at  his  side.  He  again  stood  for  a  moment, 
silently  contemplating  the  form  and  features  of  the 
sleep-bound  stranger. 

The  second  person  was  also  singular.  He  was, 
apparently,  about  twenty-five  years  of  age,  with  a 
full,  florid,  and  expressive  face.  His  body  was  quite 
rotund,  even  to  corpulency ;  and,  save  a  heavy  mous- 
tache, his  face  was  closely  shaven.  His  clothes  were 
of  the  thinnest  material,  and  well  adapted  to  secure 
comfort  during  the  hot  season.  His  expression,  as 
he  stood  watching  the  first  person  singular,  seemed 
full  of  doubt.  At  last,  as  if  determined  to  remain 
in  doubt  no  longer,  he  touched  the  somnolent  first 
person  lightly  on  the  shoulder.  First  pei'son  singu- 
lar opened  his  eyes  with  a  spasmodic  start,  stared 
wildly  about  him  for  a  moment,  until  his  eyes  rested 
upon  the  disturber  of  his  slumbers. 

"Excuse  me,  sir,"  said  second  person  singular, 
"  but  an  irresistible  impulse  led  me  to  awaken  you. 
The  fact  is,  sir,  a  few  years  since,  I  had  an  inti- 
mate friend  who  was  lost  at  sea,  and  such  is  the 
resemblance  you  bear  to  him,  the  thought  struck 
me  that  you  might  be  he.  "Were  you  ever  lost  at  sea, 
sir?" 

First  person  singular  looked  with  some  little  aston- 
ishment upon  his  interrogator.     He  wiped  the  per- 


16  IT   MAKES    NO   DIFFERENCE. 

spiratlon  from  his  foreliead,  assumed  an  erect  position 
in  liis  chair,  and  replied  : 

"  I  don't  think  I  ever  was." 

"  It  may  have  been  your  brother,"  said  second 
person  singular. 

"  It  couldn't  have  been,  for  I  never  had  a  brother. 
By  the  way,  I  did  have  an  uncle  who,  on  one  occa- 
sion, when  hunting  in  Illinois,  some  fifteen  years 
since,  was  lost  on  a  prairie.  Perhaps  it's  that  circum- 
stance to  which  you  refer  ? " 

"  'No,  it  was  at  sea.  I'm  sorry,  sir,  that  I  disturbed 
your  sleep." 

"  You  needn't  be,"  was  the  reply,  "for  I  went  to 
sleep  without  intending  to  do  so." 

"  Do  you  ever  imbibe  ?"  was  the  next  interroga- 
tion. 

First  person  singular  said  he  was  guilty  of  no 
small  vices,  though  he  didn't  care  if  he  did  take  a 
brandy  smash.  The  parties  then  adjourned  to  the 
inner  temple  of  the  Shanghae.  Second  person  singu- 
lar ordered  the  smash  for  his  companion,  and  a  sherry 
cobbler  (so  called  from  its  supposed  potency  in 
patching  up  the  human  frame,  when  it  is  about  fall- 
ing to  pieces  under  the  influence  of  weather  of  a 
high  temperature)  for  himself.  A  succession  of  sin- 
gular coincidences  followed.     Each  party  suggested 


SINGTJLAE   COINCrDENCES.  17 

at  the  same  moment,  that  it  was  confoundedly  hot 
in  the  sun.  Both  simultaneously  imbibed.  Each 
said  he  felt  better  after  it,  and  each  undoubtedly 
told  the  truth.  Both  arose  at  the  same  instant, 
inquired  who  the  other  was,  whereupon  two  auto- 
biographies were  extemporized  in  brief.  They  dis- 
closed the  following  facts.  First  person  singular's 
name  was  Myndert  Yan  Dam ;  he  was  a  descendent 
of  one  of  the  Dutch  families  who  originally  colo- 
nized Manhattan  Island.  He  had  been  three  years 
absent  in  Europe,  and  on  returning  a  few  weeks 
before,  found  most  of  his  acquaintances  had  left  the 
city  on  account  of  the  hot  weather,  and  his  expe- 
rience had  been  one  of  uninterrupted  dullness. 
Second  person  singular  rejoiced  in  the  appellation  of 
John  Spout.  His  genealogy  was  obscure,  but  so  far 
as  he  could  learn,  he  was  descended  in  a  direct  line 
from  his  great  grandfather  on  his  mother's  side.  If 
his  ancestry  had  ever  done  anything  which  would 
entitle  their  names  to  a  place  in  history,  it  was  very 
certain  that  historians  had  failed  to  do  their  duty ; 
for  he  had  never  found  the  name  of  Spout  recorded 
in  connection  with  great  deeds,  from  the  robbing  of 
a  hen  roost  down  to  cowhiding  a  Congressman.  He 
was  by  profession  an  apothecary,  and  was  laying  off 
for  a  few  weeks'  relaxation.     Mr.  Spout  concluded 


18 


PREAMBLE   AND   RESOLUTION. 


liis  personal  narrative  by  suggesting  the  following 
proposition : 

Whereas^  We  have  demolished  a  smash,  and  anni- 
hilated a  cobler ; 

Besol/ved,  That  we  now  proceed  to  devastate  a 
couple  of  segars. 

Mr.  Spout  adopted  the  resolution  unanimously, 
and  by  a  further  singular  coincidence,  they  lighted 
their  segars,  and  left  the  place  for  a  promenade.  A 
brisk  rain  beginning  to  fall,  they  sheltered  them- 
selves under  an  awning.  A  pair  of  gold  spectacles 
containing  a  tall,  sharp  featured  man,  adorned  with 


A  THIED   PAETT.  19 

an  Tinsliaven  face  and  a  brigandisli  hat,  approached 
them,  and  asked  Mr.  Spont  for  a  light.  Mr.  Spout 
acquiesced.  The  party  in  attempting  to  return  the 
cigar,  accidentally  touched  the  lighted  end  to  Mr. 
Spout's  hand,  and  not  only  burned  his  hand  slightly, 
but  knocked  the  cigar  out  of  the  fingers  of  third 
party  ;  whereupon,  Mr.  Spout  extemporized  a  mode- 
rate swear.  Third  party  apologized,  and  offered  a 
cigar  to  Spout  and  Yan  Dam  from  his  own  cigar- 
case,  which  they  accepted ;  and  he  hoped  that  in 
their  future  acquaintance,  should  they  feel  disposed 
to  continue  it,  he  would  not  again  involuntarily 
burn  their  fingers.  He  announced  himself  to  be 
Mr.  Remington  Dropper,  a  two  years'  importation 
from  Cincinnati,  and  a  book-keeper  in  the  heavy 
hardware  house  of  Steel,  Banger  &  Co.,  down  town. 

"  Mr.  Dropper,"  said  Spout,  "  I  am  happy  to  have 
made  your  acquaintance.  My  name  is  Spout — John 
Spout — chemist  and  apothecary,  with  Pound  & 
Mixem,  No.  34,  opposite  the  whisky-shop.  Allow 
me  to  make  you  acquainted  with  my  old  and  valued 

friend  Mr. Mr. what  the  devil  did  you  say 

your  name  is  ?"  said  he,  addressing  Yan  Dam,  aside, 

"  Myndert  Yan  Dam,"  suggested  the  gentleman 
speaking  for  himself. 

"  Yes,"  resumed  Spout,  "  Myndert  Yan  Dam." 


20 


A  FOURTH  PAETY. 


As  they  shook  hands,  Mr.  Dropper's  attention  was 
called  in  another  direction.  He  desired  his  com- 
panions to  notice  the  fact  that  a  man  was  approach- 


ing with  his  umbrella,  and  having  bought'  and  lost 
too  many  articles  of  that  description,  he  should  not 
stand  unmoved,  and  see  the  last  one  vanish  from  his 
sight. 

An  individual  of  small  stature,  apparently  about 
forty-five  years  of  age,  with  hair' of  an  undeniable, 
though  not  an  undyeable  red  approached,  holding 
over  his  head  a  silk  umbrella. 

Mr.  Dropper  stepped  forward  and  confronted  him. 
He  said  he  was  aware  that  if  every  man  were 
compelled  to  account  for  the  possession  of  that  which 
he  claimed  as  his  own,  the  world  would  hear  some 


ACCUSATION   OF   PETTY   LAKCEIJT.  '21 

ricli  developments,  in  a  moral  point  of  view,  respect- 
ing tlie  tenure  of  property  ;  and  it  was  precisely  for 
this  reason  that  he  had  stopped  him  in  the  street. 
He  inquired  of  fat  party  with  the  silk  umbrella,  if  he 
saw  the  point  of  his  remark.  Fat  party  confessed 
his  inability  to  •  comprehend  its  intent.  Mr.  Drop- 
per then  proceeded  to  state  that  when  he  called  fat 
party's  attention  to  the  subject  of  titles  to  property 
in  general,  he  did  suppose  that  fat  party  would  be 
led  to  ask  himself  whether  he  had  a  legal  and  equita- 
ble title  to  the  umbrella  in  particular  which  he  was 
then  under.  Fat  party  fancied  that  he  did  perceive 
a  lurking  innuendo  that  he  had  stolen  somebody's 
umbrella.  Mr.  Dropper  was  gratified  to  discover 
fat  party's  readiness  of  comprehension ;  at  his 
request  fat  party  brought  down  the  umbrella,  which 
discovered  the  following  words  painted  conspicu- 
ously on  the  cloth  outside  : 

"Stolen  from  E.  Dkoppek." 

Mr.  Dropper  insisted  that  there  was  the  evidence, 
"  R.  Dropper,"  meaning  Remington  Dropper — Eem- 
ington  Dropper  being  himself — "  Stolen  from  R. 
Dropper,"  by  whom  ? — He  would  not  assert  positively 


22  SATISFACTORY   EXPLANATION. 

that  fat  party  was  a  hall-thief,  but  he  would  say  and 
he  did  say,  that  his  umbrella  was  found  in  fat  party's 
possession,  without  his  permission.  Some  old  stick- 
in-the-mud  had  said  somewhere,  to  somebody,  some- 
time, that  an  honest  confession  was  good  for  the 
soul,  and  if  fat  party  would  acknowledge  the  unbuilt 
whisky,  he  wouldn't  appear  against  him  on  his  trial 
for  petty  larceny.  Fat  party  repudiated  the  idea 
that  he  was  a  thief.  As  far  as  Mr.  Dropper's  recol- 
lection assisted  him.  he  had  always  noticed  that  the 
biggest  rascals  protested  their  innocence  the  most 
einpliatically.  Fat  party  appealed  to  Mr.  Dropper's 
magnanimity  to  hear  his  explanation,  which  Mr. 
Dropper  consented  to  do. 

The  explanation  developed  the  fact  that  fat  party 
was  Mr.  James  George  Boggs,  late  of  the  Depart- 
ment of  the  Interior,  at  Washington,  who  had 
arrived  that  afternoon  in  the  city  with  his  sister, 
Mrs.  Banger,  wife  of  Mr.  Banger,  of  the  firm  of 
Steel,  Banger  &  Co.,  who,  it  is  already  stated,  were 
Mr.  Dropper's  employers.  They  went  directly  to 
Mr.  Banger's  counting-room,  and  whilst  there  it  com- 
menced to  rain;  Mi\  Banger  offered  Mr,  Boggs 
Dropper's  umbrella  to  walk  up  with,  Boggs  accepted 
it,  and  on  his  way  up  had  been  stopped  on  suspi- 
cion of  theft. 


"  SPIRITS  "   IN   THE   CLOSET.  23 

Dropper  made  a  humiliating  apology,  swore  eter- 
nal friendship  to  Boggs,  introduced  him  to  Yan 
Dam  and  Spout,  and  invited  the  party  to  his  room 
to  spoil  a  snifter  from  his  private  bottle.  They 
accepted  the  invitation  with  commendable  alacrity, 
and  soon  arrived  at  Mr.  Dropper's  cozy  apartment, 
which  was  situated  on  one  of  the  streets  intersecting 
Broadway.  At  Mr.  Dropper's  request,  they  seated 
themselves  in  a  circle  around  the  table,  with  the 
view  of  calling  up  the  spirits,  but  whether  saintly  or 
Satanic,  the  compilers  of  these  records  do  not  ven 
ture  an  opinion.  After  sitting  three  minutes  and 
twenty  seconds  in  solemn  silence,  it  was  discovered 
that  Dropper  was  a  medium,  as  he  was  enabled  to 
bring  up  the  spirits  in  tangible  and  unmistaken 
shape  from  his  closet,  and  forthwith  communica- 
tions of  a  very  satisfactory  character  were  made  to 
the  circle.  Indeed,  the  opinion  was  very  generally 
expressed,  that  the  spirits  were  genuine  spirits,  and 
the  medium  an  excellent  test  medium,  through 
which  they  should  delight,  in  future,  to  have  further 
communications. 

As  they  finished  their  wine  a  knock  was  heard  at 
the  door.  Dropper  responded  with  a  "Come  in." 
An  Irish  servant  put  her  head  within  the  apartment : 

"  Plase,  sir,"  said  she,  "  I  have  a  caird  here  that 


24  A  MYSTEEIOUS   LETTEK. 

a  gintleman  at  tlie  door  towld  me  to  give  to  the  red- 
headed gintleman  as  just  come  in." 

Dropper  viewed  the  card,  and  the  four  looked  at 
each  other  for  a  moment,  apparently  with  a  view  of 
discovering  who  it  was  that  answered  the  descrip- 
tion of  a  "  red-headed  gintleman."  At  last,  Boggs 
spoke. 

"  I  think  it  must  be  me,"  said  he,  receiving  the 
card  from  Dropper,  and  reading  aloud,  from  the  back 
of  it,  as  follows : 

"  Sir,  an  old  acquaintance  desires  to  see  you  for  a  moment,  in 
relation  to  a  matter  involving  your  own  interest." 

"  Show  him  up,"  said  Dropper,  "  it  will  only  make 
one  more — that  is,  if  Boggs  is  agreed." 

Mr.  Boggs  had  no  objections  to  such  course  being 
taken,  though  he  was  deeply  puzzled  to  know  who 
the  old  acquaintance  could  be. 

In  a  moment,  the  servant  introduced  into  the  room 
a  tall,  spare  individual,  of  about  thirty-two  years  of 
age.  He  was  ordinarily  attired,  and,  though  not 
seedy,  his  garments  were  by  no  means  new.  His 
face  was  closely  shaven,  and  surrounded  by  a  large 
standing  collar.  He  looked  around  the  room  upon 
the  different  parties  present,  until  his  eyes  rested 
upon  Boggs.     He  then  ventured  to  speak. 


ALAEM   OF   BOGGS. 


25 


" Gentlerpen,"  said  lie,  "excuse  this  interruption. 
The  fact  is,  I  have  been  seeking  this  gentleman  for 
nearly  three  years  past,  and  observing  him  in  com- 
pany with  you,  I  could  not  forbear  following  to  seek 
a  brief  interview." 

Boggs  turned  pale.  Visions  of  cowhides  and  pis- 
tols came  before  his  mind. 

"You  are  perfectly  excusable,"  said  Dropper. 
"We  will  leave  the  room,  if  you  desire." 


20  MOKE   MYSTERY. 

"]^-n-not  for  all  the  world,"  ejaculated  Boggs, 
hastily.  "  I  have  not  the  slightest  objection  to  your 
remaining." 

"  JSTor  I,"  said  the  tall  gentleman.  "  Your  name," 
continued  he,  addressing  Boggs,  "is  Johnson,  I 
believe." 

I^othing  could  have  relieved  Boggs  from  the  sus- 
pense under  which  he  was  laboring  more  than  this 
last  remark.  The  gentleman  had  evidently  mistaken 
him  for  one  Johnson,  who  had,  probably,  insulted  or 
injured  the  tall  individual,  on  some  previous  occasion. 
The  blush  again  returned  to  Boggs'   cheeks. 

"  You  are  mistaken,"  said  he,  at  last.  "  My  nana^ 
is  Boggs." 

"Boggs — so  it  is,"  said  the  tall  stranger.  "My 
bad  memory  often  leads  me  into  errors.  But  the 
mistake  is  very  natural — Johnson  sounds  so  much 
like  Boggs ;  but,  whether  Johnson  or  Boggs,  you 
are  the  individual  whom  I  seek." 

This  announcement  caused  Boggs's  courage  to  again 
descend  into  his  boots. 

"  It  is  three  years  since  1  have  seen  you,"  said  the 
tall  individual.  "  During  that  length  of  time,  a  per- 
son would  be  likely  to  forget  a  name.  But  your 
})erson,  sir,  that  I  could  never,  never  forget,"  con- 
limied  the  tall  man,  solemnly,  and  throwing  in  a 


A   MUEDER   ANTICIPATED.  27 

little  melo-dramatic  actioiij  as  he  spoke,  whicli  made 
Boggs  shudder. 

"  C-c-certainly,"  said  Boggs. 

"Mr.  Boggs,"  said  the  stranger,  "you  probably 
don't  recollect  me." 

"  C-can't  say  that  I  do,"  stammered  Boggs. 

"  That  need  make  no  difference,"  said  the  stranger, 
mysteriously.     "  I  know  you." 

The  stranger  then  commenced  feeling  in  his  coat 
pockets  with  his  hands. 

Boggs  sprang  to  his  feet,  observing  this  movement, 
fully  satisfied  that  the  stranger  was  seeking  his 
revolver  or  bowie-knife. 

"  Sir,"  said  Boggs,  hurriedly,  "  if  I  have  ever  uncon- 
sciously done  you  an  injury,  I  am  ready  to  apolo- 
gize. I  can  see  no  good  reason  why  this  apart- 
ment should  be  made  the  scene  of  a  sanguinary 
conflict." 

"Sanguinary  conflict — apology" — said  the  other, 
somewhat  astonished.  "  My  dear  sir,  the  apology  is 
due  to  you." 

..  Boggs's  equanimity  was  once  more  restored.  "Yoti 
don't  know  how  happy  I  am  to  hear  you  say  so," 
said  lie.  "  Could  you  make  it  convenient  to  apolo- 
gize at  once,  to  fully  relieve  my  mind  of  the  fright- 
ful anticipations?" 


28  MATERIAL   AID    OFFERED. 

"With  the  greatest  pleasure  in  the  world,  Mr. 
Boggs,"  said  the  stranger.     "  I  apologize." 

"And  I  cheerfully  forgive  you,"  said  Boggs. 

"  Then  you  recollect  the  circumstance,  do  you?" 
asked  the  stranger. 

"  Hang  me  if  I  do,"  said  Boggs. 

"Then  you  forgive  me  in  anticipation." 

"  Certainly,"  replied  Boggs.  "  But  what  the  devil 
were  you  feeling  in  your  pockets  for  so  myste- 
riously ?" 

"  M-j  porte-monnaie,^''  replied  the  stranger,  who  at 
length  succeeded  in  finding  the  object  of  his  search. 
He  took  from  it  a  gold  dollar,  two  dimes"  and  a  cent, 
and  placed  them  on  the  table  before  Boggs. 
"  There,"  said  he,  "  is  the  sum  of  one  dollar  and 
twenty-one  cents.  United  States  currency,  which 
amount  is  justly  your  due." 

"What  the  deuce  does  all  this  mean?"  asked 
Boggs,  in  his  bewilderment;  "for  between  being 
waylaid  in  the  street,  accused  of  petty  larceny,  anti- 
cipations of  being  murdered,  receiving  apologies  for 
unknown  injuries,  and  the  proffer  of  money  from  a- 
total  stranger,  I  hardly  know  whether  I  am  standing 
on  my  heels  or  my  head." 

Tlie  mysterious  stranger  then  proceeded  to  make; 
his  explanation.  V 


THE  BEASON  WHY.  i^O 

"About  three  years  ago,"  said  he,  "I  invited  a 
lady  friend  to  the  theatre.  She  signified  her  inten- 
tion to  accept  the  invitation.  -  In  the  evening  1 
called  for  her,  attired  in  my  best,  and  found  her 
seated  in  the  parlor  attired  in  her  best.  We  arrived 
at  the  theatre.  I  had  taken  with  me  only  a  small 
sum  of  money — amounting  in  the  aggregate  to  one 
dollar  and  thirty-seven  and  a  half  cents.  I  took  the 
dollar  from  my  pocket,  and  passed  it  to  the  ticket- 
seller,  who  took  occasion  to  pass  it  to  me  again 
immediately,  and  putting  his  physiognomy  before 
the  seven  by  nine  aperture  through  which  the  money 
goes  in  and  the  pasteboard  comes  out,  he  announced 
to  me,  in  effect,  that  the  bank  note  aforesaid,  of  the 
denomination  of  one  dollar,  was  a  base  imitation. 
This  was  a  perplexing  position.  Had  I  been  the  for- 
tunate possessor  of  another  dollar  on  the  spot,  I 
should  not  have  been  troubled.  The  lady's  acquaint- 
ance I  had  but  recently  formed.  My  pride  would 
n©t  permit  me  to  announce  to  her  my  true  financial 
condition  at  that  moment.  Between  pride  and  a 
] lurried  contemplation  of  the  prospective  frightful 
results  of  my  monetary  deficiency,  I  was  completely 
bewildered.  I  stammered  out  something  about  hav- 
ing nothing  with  me  except  two  or  three  shillings 
and  a  fifty  dollar  bill — the  first  of  wliicli,  gentlemen, 


30  A.  PEKPLEXING  PREDICAMENT. 

existed  in  the  innermost  recesses  of  my  vest  pocket, 
and  the  last  in  mj  imagination.  I  was  wondering 
what  tlie  devil  I  should  do  next,  when  a  gentleman 
with  red  hair  addressed  me.  "  Good  evening,  sir," 
said  he,  touching  his  hat,  "did  you  say  you  have 
difficulty  in  getting  a  bill  changed  ?"  Without  wait- 
ing for  me  to  speak  he  said,  "  here's  a  dollar ;  you 
can  return  it  to  me  to-morro  w,  when  you  call  at  my 
office  to  transact  that  matter  of  which  we  were 
speaking  yesterday.  Good  evening."  I  looked  in 
my  hand,  and  found  in  it  two  half  dollars  and  a  card, 
upon  which  1  perceived  a  name  and  address  written. 
I  was  more  bewildered  than  ever,  owing  to  the 
unexpected  deliverance,  from  what  a  moment  before, 
I  had  believed  to  be  an  inextricable  difficulty.  I 
thought  that  heaven  had  deputed  some  red-haired 
angel  to  come  to  my  relief.  Then  I  doubted  whether 
it  was  not  a  dream ;  but  the  weight  of  the  two  half 
dollars  satisfied  me  that  the  whole  thing  was  a  tangi- 
ble reality.  The  difficulty  was  dissipated,  the  funds 
were  provided,  and  the  necessary  tickets  purchased. 
JSText  morning  I  resolved  to  visit  my  deliverer, 
and  give  him  my  heartfelt  thanks  and  a  dollar. 
As  I  was  about  to  leave  on  my  joyful  errand,  I  felt 
in  my  pocket  for  the  card ;  it  was  gone.  I  was  hor- 
ror-stricken.    I  searched  everywhere,  but  could  not 


A  PHILANTHROPIST   DISCOVERED.  31 

find  it.  I  tried  then  to  recall  to  my  mind  the  name  ; 
but  having  read  it  under  considerable  excitement, 
it  had  not  impressed  itself  upon  my  memory.  I 
went  to  the  theatre,  in  hopes  to  find  it  there,  but  in 
vain.  For  three  months,  gentlemen,  all  my  spare 
time  was  employed  in  perambulating  Broadway,  and 
standing  at  the  entrance  of  the  theatre,  in  hopes  of 
meeting  my  deliverer.  Many  are  the  short  and  red- 
haired  gentlemen  whom  I  have  vainly  pursued.  A 
half  hour  since,  as  I  was  riding  down  Broadway  in  a 
stage,  I  saw  my  deliverer  turning  the  corner  of  this 
street,  in  company  with  three  other  gentlemen.  I 
stopped  the  stage,  gave  the  driver  a  quarter,  and 
without  waiting  to  receive  the  change,  I  made  a  rush 
for  the  stage  door,  stepped  on  the  silk  skirt  of  a  lady 
passenger,  kicked  a  fat  gentleman  on  the  shins, 
knocked  a  baby  out  of  an  Irishwoman's  lap,  fell,  and 
struck  my  head  against  the  door,  tumbled  out,  slip- 
ped on  the  Kuss  pavement,  excited  the  mirth  of  the 
passengers  and  pedestrians,  got  up,  and  reached  the 
corner  just  in  time  to  see  the  party  whom  I  followed 
enter  this  house.  I  rushed  on,  and  after  som(  little 
inquiry,  succeeded  in  attaining  this  apar*  ^- ^t. 
Gentlemen,  Boggs  was  my  deliverer." 

"  Hurrah  for  Boggs,"  shouted  Dropper. 

"  Boggs,  you're  a  philanthropist,"  said  Spout 


32  A  GENERAL  EMBEAOB. 

"  Vive  le  Boggs^'^  said  Yan  Dam. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Boggs,  "  I  protest  against  your 
unwarranted  compliments.  My  dear  sir,"  said  he, 
addressing  the  stranger,  "  you  only  borrowed  a  dollar 
of  me,  whereas,  I  perceive  you  have  given  me  one 
dollar  and  twenty-one  cents." 

"Three  years  interest,  at  seven  per  cent,"  sug- 
gested the  stranger,  "  Legally  your  due,  and  I  insist 
upon  your  accepting  interest  as  well  as  princi- 
pal." 

Boggs,  without  further  objection  pocketed  the 
proffered  amount. 

"  Your  case,"  said  Spout,  to  the  stranger  ;  "  is  one 
of  morbid  concientiousness ;  so  much  so  that  I  feel 
desirous  of  knowing  you  better." 

"My  name,  gentlemen,"  said  the  stranger,  "is 
Dusenbury  Quackenbush." 

A  general  rush  was  made  toward  the  stranger. 
Yan  Dam  seized  one  hand,  Boggs  the  other ;  Spout 
caught  him  by  the  arm,  whilst  Dropper,  who  was  the 
hist  to  reach  him,  threw  his  long  arms  around  the 
whole  party.  For  a  moment  tliere  was  general 
commotion,  growing  out  of  a  fierce  shaking  of  hands 
and  arms.  Each  person  loudly  assured  Mr.  Quacken- 
bush of  the  happiness  he  felt  in  having  formed  his 
acquaintance.     As  soon   as  they  had  relieved  him 


AN    ASTOUNDING    STATEMENT.  Orf 

from  their  affectionate  welcomings  Mr.  Quackeiibusli 
spoke. 

"  I  am  certainly  happy  to  become  acquainted  with 
you,  gentlemen,"  remarked  he,  "  but  really  I  am 
fearful  I  shall  not  be  a  very  interesting  acquaintance 
in  a  coterie  of  old  friends,  as  you  appear  to  be,  and 
without  doubt  are." 

"  Yes,  we  are  old  friends,"  said  Spout,  "  our  friend- 
ship is  as  enduring  as  the  gullibility  of  the  public, 
and  I  might  add  as  ancient  as — as — gentlemen  ex- 
cuse me  if  I  fail  in  this  point  to  institute  an  appro- 
priate coinparison.  As  an  astonisher,  however,  I 
will  inform  you  of  a  fact  known  only  to  Mr.  Yan 
Dam  and  myself;  and  which  is,  that,  two  hours 
since,  not  one  of  the  gentlemen  of  this  quintet  had 
ever  known  another  of  it ;  if  I  except  the  case  of 
Mr.  Boggs  and  Mr.  Quackenbush." 

"  Mr.  Quackenbush,"  inquired  Spout,  "  allow  me 
to  ask  whether  you  are  acquainted  with  life  in  the 
metropolis  in  its  multiform  phases  ?" 

"  I  confess  my  ignorance,"  was  the  reply.  "  It  is 
most  unfortunate  that  the  position  of  a  teacher  in 
a  public  school  is  one  not  calculated  to  bring  an 
individual  in  contact  with  much  that  is  interesting." 

"  Taking  that  fact  into  consideration,"  said  Spout, 

"I  propose,  that  you  all  meet  me  at  my  room,  two 
3 


34  A   JOKE   IN    CONCLUSION. 

evenings  Iience,  when  I  shall  be  prepared  to  unfold 
to  you  a  purpose  and  a  plan,  which  1  have  just 
conceived.  My  room,  gentlemen,  is  over  old  Sha- 
vem's,  the  brokers,  three  doors  from  the  corner. 
The  number  would  be  461^,  if  there  were  any  on 
the  door.  You  can't  mistake  the  place,  however; 
there  is  an  antiquated  pump  in  front,  and  when  I'm 
at  home  there  is  a  Spout  inside." 

"  Oh — h  !"  groaned  Dropper. 

"Never  mind,"  resumed  Spout,  "I  don't  often 
attempt  such  things.  Can  I  depend  upon  your 
coming  ?" 

All  gave  an  affirmative  response. 

"Then,"  said  Spout,  "you  can  depend  upon  my 
going,  I  ])ronounce  this  meeting  adjourned." 

After  a  few  words  the  parties  separated. 


Inm  €)}t  (Ctoh  dDrgauijBi 

Put  out  the  light,  and  then  put.— Shakspbabb. 


*-  evening  arrived  on  whicli  the  gentle- 
men, named  in  tho  last  chapter,  were  to  meet  in  the 
room  of  Mr.  John  Spout. 


85 


3G  THE    SECOND   MEETING. 

Mr.  Spout  was  there,  awaiting  tlie  arrival  of  his 
friends.  He  was  seated  at  the  end  of  a  table,  in  a 
large  easy-chair,  in  his  dressing-gown.  Before  him, 
on  the  table,  were  several  written  papers.  The  apart- 
ment was  one  of  moderate  dimensions,  neatly  car- 
peted, and,  with  plenty  of  furniture,  unobjectionable 
in  quality  and  taste.  On  the  walls  were  suspended 
various  pictures,  engravings,  fencing-foils,  and  masks, 
boxing-gloves,  antique  models,  Indian  ornaments, 
plaster  casts  of  legs,  arms,  hands,  feet,  &c.  On 
either  side  of  the  table  were  two  chairs,  placed  there, 
evidently,  in  anticipation  of  the  arrival  of  his  friends. 

Several  pipe-stems  protruded  from  a  pasteboard 
box,  which  was  on  the  table.  It  required  no  unusual 
fihrewdness  to  guess  at  the  contents,  and  to  rightly 
determine  that  it  was  filled  with  the  best-abused,  and, 
at  the  same  time,  best-used  weed  known. 

One  by  one,  the  other  gentlemen  arrived,  and  were 
ushered  by  the  housekeeper  into  Mr.  Spout's  apart- 
ment. They  sat,  engaged  in  discussing  tobacco  and 
the  events  of  the  day.  At  length,  Mr.  Dropper 
inquired  of  Mr.  Spout  if  he  had  as  yet  fully  elabo- 
rated the  idea  which,  on  the  occasion  of  the  previous 
meeting,  had  seemed  to  weigh  so  heavily  on  his 
mind  ? 

"  I  was  about  to  advert  to  the  subject,"  said  Mr. 


A  CAPITAL  IDEA.  37 

Spout.  "  It  has  engaged  my  undivided  attention  up 
to  the  present  time,  and  the  idea  and  plan  based  upon 
it  are  sufficiently  perfected  to  satisfy  myself." 

"  Trot  it  out,"  said  Boggs,  "  we  are  all  attention." 

"  The  fact,  gentlemen,"  said  Spout,  "that  most  of 
our  number  have  been  either  absent  from  the  city, 
or  so  much  engaged  in  our  different  vocations  that 
we  have  never  gained,  or  have  lost,  familiarity  with 
many  interesting  phases  of  life,  as  it  exists  in  New 
York,  suggested  to  me  the  thought  of  devoting  some 
portion  of  our  time  to  looking  about,  and  having  put 
our  observations  in  writing,  to  interchange  them  for 
our  mutual  gratification." 

"A  capital  idea,"  said  Mr.  Dusenbnry  Quacken- 
bush. 

"  Brilliant  with  pleasurable  results,"  remarked  Mr. 
Myhdert  Yan  Dam. 

"  Keplete  with  rational  enjoyment,"  suggested  Mr. 
Remington  Dropper. 

"  Fm  in,"  was  the  laconic  response  of  Mr.  James 
George  Boggs. 

"  Then  I  suppose  I  can  count  upon  your  coopera- 
tion in  the  realization  of  the  idea,"  said  Spout. 

A  general  affirmative  answer  being  given,  Mr. 
Spout  continued. 

"  You  being  unanimous,"  said  he,  "  I'll  now  pro- 


38  A  LEAENED    DISSERTATION. 

ceed  to  unfold  my  plans.  To  secure  unanimity  oL 
action  and  entire  success,  it  is  necessary  that  we  have 
a  plan  of  organization.  But  in  thinking  upon  this 
subject,  I  have  "foreseen  that,  by  the  adoption  of  any 
of  the  ordinary  plans,  we  saddle  ourselves  with  a 
useless  machinery,  which  will  hinder  the  successful 
accomplishment  of  the  object  we  desire.  "We  have 
no  time  to  spare  in  discussing  rules  of  order,  the 
adoption  of  which  invariably  makes  disorder  the  rule. 
Yet,  there  must  be  a  head.  In  brief,  then,  gentle- 
men, I  propose  that  the  principles  apon  which  our 
meetings  shall  be  governed,  shall  be  a  despotic  prin- 
ciple, but  one  which  shall  be  compatible  with  the 
largest  liberty  of  the  governed.  How  do  you  like 
the  idea?" 

"The  idea  looks  paradoxical  to  me,"  said  Yau 
Dam. 

"  Eather  profound,"  suggested  Quackenbush. 

"  Funny,"  said  Boggs. 

"  I  can  tell  better  when  I  hear  the  rules,"  said 
Dropper. 

"I  have  them  prepared,"  continued  Spout. 
"  Shall  I  read  them  to  you «" 

"  By  all  means,"  replied  Yan  Dam. 

Tlie  others  signified  an  affirmative  response. 

M?'.  Spout  then  proceeded  to  read : — < 


,      A    DOCUMENT.  31^ 

"  We,  whose  signatures  are  hereunto  affixed,  do 
hereby  organize  ourselves  into  a  chib,  having  for  its 

NAME, 

The    Elephant    Club,   and    having    in    view    the 
following 

OBJECTS : 

1.  The  enj  oyment  and  amusement  of  its  members 
through. 

2.  A  profound  study  of  the  Metropolitan  Elephant, 
by  surveying  him  in  all  his  majesty  of  proportion, 
by  tracing  him  to  his  secret  haunts,  and  observing 
his  habits,  both  in  his  wild  and  domestic  state. 

OFFICER. 

"  The  only  officer  of  the  club  shall  be  a  Higli- 
oldboy,  whose 

DUTY 

It  shall  be  to  sit  in  a  big  chair,  at  the  end  of  the  table, 
and  to  see  that  the  members  conform  to  the  following 

RULES  OF  conduct: 

1.  In  the  meetings  of  the  club,  every  member 
shall  do  exactly  as  he  pleases. 


iO  MORE  OF  IT. 

2.  Each  member  shall  speak  when  he  pleases, 
what  he  pleases,  and  as  long  as  he  pleases. 

!N".  B. — If  the  remarks  of  any  member  are  particu- 
larly stupid  or  tedious,  the  other  members  are  under 
no  obligations  to  remain  and  hear  them. 

"  N.  particular  B.  Should  the  speaker,  at  the  con- 
clusion of  his  remarks,  find  himself  in  the  presence 
of  only  a  part  of  his  original  audience,  and  some  of 
those  asleep,  he  is  at  full  liberty,  for  his  private  satis- 
faction, to  conclude  that  his  eloquence,  like  that  of  the 
traditional  parsons,  is  not  only  moving  and  soothing, 
as  evidenced  by  the  absence  of  some  and  the 
somnolence  of  others,  but  so  satisfactory  that  those 
who  wero  awake  will  never  care  to  hear  hina 
again. 

3.  ISTo  member  shall  be  permitted  to  bring  spiri- 
tuous or  fermented  liquors,  wine,  beer,  or  cider,  whe- 
ther imported  or  domestic,  into  any  of  the  meet- 
ings of  the  club,  under  the  penalty  of  passing 
them  around  for  general  use ;  unless  the  member 
prefers  to  keep  them  to  himself,  from  motives  of 
economy — the  economy  in  such  case  to  be  regarded 
as  an  offence,  to  be  punished  with  a  severe  letting: 
alone. 

4.  The  third  rule  shall  apply  to  cigars,  cheroots, 
and  cigaretts. 


RULES.  41 

5.  Ditto  —  ditto  —  sardines,  Bologna  sausages, 
crackers  and  cheese.  j 

6.  Members  are  prohibited  from  sitting  with  their 
feet  on  the  table,  unless  in  that  position  they  sit  with 
more  comfort,  or  they  have  other  reasons  satisfactory 
to  themselves. 

E".  B.^The  Higholdboy,  in  consideration  of  his 
onerous  duties,  is  exempted  from  the  action  of  this 
rule. 

7.  The  Higholdboy  is  empowered  to  reprimand 
any  member,  when  he  considers  it  necessary  to  pre- 
serve the  dignity  of  the  club. 

N.  special  and  particular  B.  In  order  that  this 
rule  shall  not  operate  prejudicially  to  the  sovereign 
rights  of  individuals,  the  members  of  the  club  are  at 
liberty  to  treat  the  reprimand  of  the  Higholdboy  as 
a  good  joke. 

8.  Any  member  who  shall  be  absent  from  any 
meeting  of  the  club,  shall  be  liable  to  stand  a  half- 
dozen  on  the  half  shell  for  each  of  his  fellow-mem- 
bers, unless  he  gives  no  previous  notice  to  the  club, 
or  any  member  thereof,  of  his  prospective  absence. 
Such  notice,  which  he  fails  to  give,  to  be  either  ver- 
bal or  written,  at  his  own  option. 

9.  These  foregoing  rules  shall  in  all  cases  be  con 
strued    strictly,   they  shall    never    be    repealed  or 


42  PBELIMENAKY    SPEECHES   AND 

amended ;  and  shall  be  of  binding  force,-  except  as 
*^.erein after  provided  in  the 

OEDEE   OF   BUSINESS. 

1.  The  Higholdboy  shall  announce  the  suspension 
of  all  rules  for  three  mpnths. 

At  the  conclusion,  Mr.  Spout,  in  a  solemn  tone, 
addressed  the  party. 

"Gentleman,"  said  he,  "I  am  aware  that  the 
rules,  which  I  have  prepared  and  submitted,  are 
stringent  in  the  extreme,  but  I  think  they  will  be 
found,  on  examination,  to  be  no  more  so  than  is 
essential  to  secure  that  unanimity  of  action  so 
indispensable  to  the  accomplishment  of  any  great 
end.  Believing,  then,  that  you  fully  appreciate  the 
importance  of  the  end  we  have  in  view,  I  trust  they 
will  meet  with  your  approval.  Gentlemen,  I  give 
way  to  others." 

Mr.  Spout  took  his  seat,  amid  manifestations  of 
the  approval  of  his  associates. 

Mr.  Boggs  was  the  first  to  speak  on  the  subject  of 
the  rules. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  unaccustomed  as  I  am  to 
public  speaking,  and  overpowered  as  I  feel  at  the 
present  moment,  I  should  do  injustice  to  my  own 


\ 

CRITICISMS.  43 


feelings,  did  I  fail  to  endorse  the  excellence  of  the 
rules  reported  by  my  friend  Spout,  and  to  give  my 
unqualified  adhesion,  in  accordance  with  the  spirit 
which  pervades  them." 

Mr.  Dropper  said  that  he  had  but  one  fault  to 
find.  He  was  by  nature  fond  of  resisting  all  rules, 
the  idea  of  which  he  had  always  associated  with  a 
restriction  of  individual  liberty.  The  rules  proposed 
by  Mr.  Spout  contemplated  no  restriction.  They 
were  so  nice  an  adjustment  of  the  relations  between 
the  governor  and  the  governed  that  he  could  not 
find  it  in  his  heart  to  resist  them.  Hence  he  would 
be  debarred  his  usual  gratification  of  combatting 
them.     Still  he  was  willing  to  give  them  a  trial. 

Mr.  Quackenbnsh  liked  the  rules  very  much,  as  he 
thought  it  was  cominor  down  to  first  principles. 

Mr.  Yan  Dam  said  that,  so  far  as  he  was  con- 


44  AN  ELECTION. 

cernedj  the  matter  was  all  right;  if  it  wasn't,  "he'd 
make  it  right." 

An  inquiry  was  made  as  to  who  wonld  fill  the 
office  of  the  Higholdboy. 

Mr.  Spout  replied.  He  said  that  their  club  was 
an  anomaly.  It  differed  in  its  features  from  any 
organization  which  had  ever  been  made.  He 
thought  that  its  individual  peculiarities  should  be 
kept  up  in  the  matter  of  the  election  of  its  presiding 
officers.  He  w^as  in  favor  of  self-elevation  to  the 
position,  and  of  letting  the  voluntary  acquiescence 
of  the  members  measure  the  duration  of  individuals' 
tenure  of  office — in  other  words,  when  they  got  tired 
of  him,  leave  him  to  preside  over  a  meeting  com- 
posed of  himself  and  the  furniture.  "  [N'ow,  gentle- 
men," concluded  Mr.  Spout,  "  who  wants  to  be  a 
Higholdboy  ?    Don't  all  speak  at  once." 

Yan  Dam  looked  at  Boggs;  Boggs  glanced  at 
Dropper ;  Dropper  eyed  Quackenbush,  and  Quack- 
enbush  turned  his  eyes  upon  Spout. 

"  No  one  speaks,"  said  Spout,  "  which  leads  me  to 
believe  that  no  one  desires  the  position  unless  it  be 
myself,  which  I  confess,  gentlemen,  is  true.  Gentle- 
men, I  declare  myself  duly  elevated  and  installed 
into  the  office  of  Higholdboy  of  the  Elephant  Club, 
and  when  you  survey  my  proportions,  and  look  txt 


CONGEATULATIONS.  45 

the  size  of  that  chair,  I  am  satisfied  you  will  concede 
that  I  am  well  adapted  to  fill  it.  In  conclusion, 
gentlemen,  I  ask  of  you  your  cooperation  in  forward- 
ing the  aims  and  purposes  of  this  club.  Mr.  Boggs, 
will  you  pass  me  the  tobacco-box  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  Boggs,  as  he  passed  the  box, 
"  and  allow  me  to  congratulate  your  constituency  in 
having  elevated  you  to  so  responsible  a  position." 

"  A  very  respectable  constituency  of  one — Spout," 
said  Mr.  Quackenbush.  "  But  it  is  very  funny,  isn't 
it?"  said  he. 

"  It's  a  go,"  said  Dropper. 

Mr.  Yan  Dam  was  very  glad  that  he  wasn't  the 
lucky  man,  as  he  had  such  an  abhorrence  of  respon- 
pibility. 

The  question  of  the  time  and  place  of  meetings 
was  the  next  subject  discussed.  It  was  finally 
agreed  to  leave  that  matter  for  future  consideration. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Spout,  "  I  have  assumed  a 
responsibility,  in  anticipation  of  my  attaining  the 
Higholdboyship  of  this  club.  In  this,  perhaps,  my 
course  will  not  meet  with  your  full  approval ;  the 
nature  of  the  step  you  will  be  apprised  of  in  the 
room  below.     Will  you  accompany  me  ?" 

The  party  assented,  wondering  what  further  sur- 
prise was  to  greet  them.     They  entered  a  rear  parlor 


46 


THE   DINNER. 


Oil  the  first  floor,  where  an  excellent  dinner  was 
waiting  them,  got  up  at  the  expense  of  Mr.  John 
Spout,  Higholdboy  of  the  Elephant  Club. 


A  good  dinner  is  an  excellent  ending  foi  any 
thing — even  a  chaptero 


€llB  cKlBpljllll'illB  BbH. 


Off  with  his  head  so  much.— SHAKStEABB. 


l|  I  Club  now  being  or- 
ganized, and  the  eager 
members  anxious  to  be- 
gin at  once  their  expe- 
ditions in  search  of  the 
pachydermatous  animal 
whose  peculiar  habits, 
in  a  state  of  metropoli- 
tan domesticity,  were  to 
"^      be  henceforth  their  care 
and  study,  it  became  neces- 
sary to  fix  upon  some  con- 
venient place  of  rendezvous, 
at  which  they  might  convene 
to  prepare  for  their  excur- 
sions, and  where  they  might 
reassemble,  should  any  des- 
perate   chance  divide  their 
strength,  and  separate  their 
numbers.     After    some    dis- 


48 


ITS   LOCATION, 


cussion  as  to  the  most  convenient  locality,  a  room  in 
Broadway  was  selected,  as  being  less  likely  to  attract 
attention  if  lighted  up  and  showing  signs  of  occu- 
pancy at  an  unseasonable  hour;  and  as  being  easily 
accessible  in  case  a  member  was  compelled  to  evade 


the  pursuit  of  an  avenging  M.  P. ;  or  should  he  be 
taken  suddenly  drunk,  and  stand  in  need  of  brotherly 
assistance.  It  w^as  not  on  the  first  floor,  lest  it  should 
be  mistaken  for  a  tavern ;  nor  on  the  second,  lest  the 
uninvited  public  should  stray  up  stairs,  thinking  it 
to  be  a  billiard  saloon ;  neither  w^as  it  in  the  attic,  as 
the  gas  didn't  rnn  so  high ;  but  on  tlie  third  floor 


■«#• 


DESCRIBIiD.  49 

of  an  imposing  building,  a  room  was  discovered, 
appropriate  in  dimensions,  convenient  in  locality,  and 
the  rent  of  which  was  not  so  high  but  that  its  alti- 
tude was  easily  admeasured  by  a  weekly  Y.  It  is 
not  our  present  intention  to  designate  the  identical 
numeral  which,  in  the  directory,  would  point  out  the 
precise  latitude  of  this  mysterious  apartment  to  the 
anxious  inquirer.  Suffice  it  to  say  that  it  was  in  the 
immediate  vicinity  of  the  public  office  of  the  man 
whose  name  is  synonymous  ^\  ith  that  of  the  adoles- 
cent offspring  of  the  bird  whose  unmelodious  note 
once  saved  the  imperial  city  from  its  fierce  invaders, 
and  that  the  occupation  of  this  man  of  the  ornitho- 
logical appellation  is  to  provide  food  and  drink  for 
hungry  humanity.  The  relative  situations  of  the 
club-room  and  this,  restaurant  were  such,  that  a 
plummet,  dropped  from  the  chair  of  the  Higholdboy, 
would,  if  unimpeded  by  interposing  floors,  fall 
directly  upon  the  private  bottle  of  the  amiable  pro- 
prietor in  the  bar  below. 

By  the  timely  suggestion  of  Mr.  Eemington  Drop- 
per, ingenious  advantage  was  taken  of  the  proximity 
of  an  establishment  so  praiseworthy,  and  so  condu- 
cive to  the  common  comfort.  A  wire  was  arranged, 
running  from  a  point  ever  in  reach  of  the  chair  of 

the   august  presiding  officer,  thence   to  a  bell  in 
4 


50  THE    FTJRNITUEE. 

the  room  beneath.  A  system  of  tintinabulatory  sig 
nals  was  Qontrived,  that  the  dispenser  of  good  things, 
on  the  first  floor,  might  be  made  to  comprehend  the 
wants  of  the  thirsty  individuals  in  the  loft,  without 
their  coming  down  stairs.  One  jerk  meant  "  brandy 
smashes"  all  round ;  two  pulls  signified  "  hot  whisky 
punches,  with  plenty  of  lemon  ;"  a  prolonged  jingle 
was  to  be  immediately  answered  by  an  unlimited 
supply  of  ale,  porter  and  pewter  mugs ;  while  a  con- 
vulsive twitch,  or  a  couple  of  spasmodic  tugs,  signi- 
fied to  the  man  in  waiting,  not  only  that  the  entire 
club  was  "  over  the  bay,"  but  that  they  wanted,  on 
the  instant,  soda-^ater  enough  to  float  them  in  safety 
to  the  shore  again. 

The  furniture  of  this  private  elephantine  den  was 
simple,  but  necessary,  made  not  for  ornament,  so 
much  as  contrived  for  use,  and  consisted  of  a  long 
table,  with  an  extra  quantity  of  super-solid  legs,  in 
case  the  club  should  all  take  a  freak  to  go  to  bed  on 
it  at  once — two  chairs  for  each  member,  one  for  the 
customary  usCj  and  the  other  for  the  accommodation 
of  his  feet,  an  upright  piano-forte,  a  huge  match- 
box, and  a  wash-tub  for  empty  bottles.  A  journal 
\v3ls  also  provided,  in  which  to  inscribe  the  proceed- 
ing's of  each  evening,  and,  by  general  agreement,  it 
was  made  a  standing  order  that  no  man  should  write 


AND   ITS   AERANGEMENTo 


51 


therein  unless  lie  was  sufficiently  sober  to  tell  a  gold 
pen  from  a  boot-jack. 

The  poker  was  chained  to  the  grate,  that  it  might 
not,  in  case  of  an  imusnal  excitement,  become  a 
convenient  instrument  for  the  demolition  of  furni- 
ture, or  the  extinguishment  of  an  offending  mem- 
ber. For  the  same  reason,  the  water-jug  was  tied  to 
the  door-knob,  and  the  private  tumbler  of  each  mem- 
ber made  fast  to  one  of  his  chairs  with  an  elastic 
band,  so  that,  should  he  throw  it  at  any  one,  he 
would  not  only  miss  the  object  of  his  unnoble  aim, 
but  the  elasticity  of  the  securing  thong  would  cause 
it  to  recoil  upon  his  own  pate,  with  a  force  which 


52  A   SENTINEL   ELECTED. 

would,  probably,  render  him  for  tbe  future  less 
inclined  to  experiment  in  projectiles.  Over  the 
entrance-door,  on  the  outside,  was  placed  a  tov 
elephant,  two  feet  long,  but  four  feet  underneath, 
imported  from  Germany,  at  the  unheard-of  cost  of 
ten  dollars. 

The  room  being  furnished,  and  the  club  ready  to 
commence  operations,  it  was  deemed  expedient  to 
select  an  individual  of  superior  physical  strength  to 
attend  to  the  door,  lest  some  intruding  outsider  might 
sometime  interrupt  the  deliberations  of  the  honor- 
able quadrupedal  order.  Mr.  Quackenbush  elected 
himself  to  this  dignified  and  honorable  office,  and. 
under  the  belief  that  his  brawny  arms  were  emi- 
nently suited  to  do  duty  in  case  of  the  irruption  of 
sacrilegious  outsiders  upon  the  sanctified  premises, 
all  the  other  members  acquiesced  in  his  promotion. 
If  any  undesirable  person  presented  himself  for 
admission,  he  was  to  inform  him  of  the  secrecy  of 
the  convention.  Should  the  outsider  persevere,  he 
was  first  to  expostulate  with  him,  and  endeavor  to 
persuade  him  to  go  peaceably  away.  If  all  milder 
means  should  prove  unavailing,  he  was  first  to  black 
both  of  his  eyes  with  a  pewter  mug,  taking  care  to  do 
it  impartially  and  symmetrically,  that  the  discolora- 
tion of  one  optic  should  not  in  the  least  exceed  that  of 


PUNISHMENT   FOE   INTRUSION.  53 

the  other;  he  was  then  mildly  to  knock  him  down 
with  a  chair,  pitch  him  gently,  head  first,  down  both 
flights  of  stairs  into  the  street,  and  then,  having  filled 
his  boots  full  of  gravel,  and  put  a  brick  in  his  mouth, 
he  was  to  leave  him ;  but  on  no  account  was  he  to 
deal  harshly  with  such  offender,  unless  he  chose  to  do 
so  on  his  own  responsibility,  or  was  specially  author- 
ized by  a  unanimous  vote  of  all  the  members  awake, 
in  which  case  he  might  act  his  own  pleasure.  He 
solemnly  bound  himself,  in  case  he  should  at  any 
time  be  overcome  by  fatigue,  or  any  other  potent 
cause,  that  he  would  go  to  sleep  immediately  before 
the  threshold,  in  order  to  prevent  any  animated 
worldling  from  penetrating  into  the  secret  den,  and 
spy  out  the  mystic  doings  of  the  elephants,  without 
forcing  an  entrance  over  his  prostrate  body. 

The  arrangements  being  now  complete,  a  solemn 
convocation  of  the  honorable  body  was  held,  and  a 
quadrupedal  quorum  being  present,  after  a  smoky  and 
juicy  deliberation  of  some  seven  hours,  the  Highold- 
boy,  Hr.  John  Spout,  unanimously  Resolved: 

1 .  That  the  club  proceed  to  hunt  the  long-nosed 
animal. 

2.  In  a  body. 

3.  To-morrow  night. 


H 


EESOLUTIONS    ADOPTED. 


To  this  series  of  resolutions  each  of  the  other  mem- 
bers acceded.  The  result  of  this  bold  determination 
will  be  fully  detailed  in  another  chapter. 


"  He  who  fights  and  runs  away, 
Wmiive— " 

A.  NONTMOUS. 

PuESTJANT  to  the  resolutions  unanimously  adopted 
on  the  evening  before,  the  Elephant  Club  met  to 
proceed,  under  the  direction  of  some  experienced 
hunter,  to  scrutinize  their  ponderous  game.  Being 
duly  equipped  with  all  the  arms  and  ammunition 
required  for  an  expedition  of  so  perilous  a.  nature, 
they  sallied  forth.  They  dragged  no  heavy,  ponder- 
ous artillery,  they  wore  no  clanking  swords,  they 
rallied  under  no  silken  banner,  and  marched  to  no 
inspiriting  music ;  but  they  tramped  along,  their 
only  rallying-flag  being  a  yellow  handkerchief 
round  the  hat  of  Mr.  Myndert  Yan  Dam,  who  had 
thus  protected  his  "Cady"  from  any  injury  from  a 
sudden  shower ;  their  only  martial  music  was  the 
shrill  pipe  of  Mr.  James  George  Boggs,  who 
whistled  '*Pop  goes  the  Weasel,"  and  for  arms 
each   one  hacl  a  hickory  cane,   and   in   the  breast 

55 


50  A   NEW    CHARACTER. 

pocket  of  bis  overcoat,  a  single  "pocket-pistol," 
Loaded,  but  not  dangerous.  Mr.  Remington  Dropper 
bad  assumed  the  leadership,  and  was  to  conduct  the 
party  on  their  cruise. 

They  had  proceeded  but  a  short  distance  when 
Mr.  Boggs  called  out  to  the  party  to  observe  the 
motions  of  a  queer-looking  character,  who  was 
approaching  at  a  distance  of  a  half  block.  He  was 
stepping  on  the  edge  of  the  side- walk  with  his  gaze 
fixed  upon  the  gutter,  and  in  apparent  uncon- 
sciousness of  the  existence  of  anything  but  himseltl 


A   GLIMPSE   AT   THE   ANIMAL.  67 

He  was  lank,  lean,  and  sallow.  His  clothes  were 
quite  dilapidated,  his  beard  and  hair  long.  A.  smile 
on  his  face  seemed  to  indicate  his  entire  satisfaction 
with  himself.  He  was  a  marked  character,  and 
after  a  moment's  sight  at  the  individual,  inquiriea 
were  made  of  Mr.  Boggs  g,s  to  who  he  was. 

"That  is  more  than  I  can  saj,"  wasBoggs's  response. 
"  I  have  known  him  by  sight  for  years,  and  he  has 
always  appeared  the  same.  He  belongs  to  a  class  of 
beings  in  New  York,  a  few  specimens  of  which  are 
familiar  to  those  who  frequent  the  principal  thorough- 
fares, and  are  known  by  the  ornithological  appella- 
tion of  "  gutter-snipes."  I  have  often  talked  with  him, 
but  he  knows  nothing  of  his  own  history ;  or,  if  he 
does,  chooses  not  to  reveal  it.  He  is  a  monomaniac,  but 
perfectly  harmless,  and  calls  himself  ISTicholas  Quail. 
I  have  learned  from  other  sources  a  few  facts  'of  his 
history.  He  sleeps  anywhere  and  everywhere,  and 
eats  in  the  same  localities.  Nobody  ever  harms  him, 
all  being  familiar  with  his  whims.  As  far  as  I 
can  learn,  he  was  formerly  a  raftsman.  He  has 
never  in  his  life  owned  real  estate  enough  to  form 
the  site  for  a  hen-coop,  nor  timber  sufficient  to  build 
it.  His  personal  property  could  be  crowded  into 
a  small  pocket-handkerchief;  but  let  him  get  four 
inches  of  whisky  in  him,  and  he  fancies  he  has  such 
boundless  and  illimitable  wealth,  that  in  comparison, 


58  A  TALL  TALKEE- 

the  treasures  of  Aladdin,  provided  by  the  accom- 
modating slave  of  the  lamp,  would  be  but  small 
change.  He  walks  about  the  streets  viewing  what 
he  terms  the  improvements  he  is  making ;  he  gives 
all  sorts  of  absurd  directions  to  workmen  as  to  how 
he  desires  the  work  to  be  done,  much  to  their  amuse- 
ment. But  here  he  is,  now ;  if  he  is  tight  we'll  have 
some  sport." 

As  the  personage  approached,  Boggs  accosted  him, 
when  the  following  dialogue  took  place. 

"  So  Nicholas,"  said  Boggs,  "  you've  come  back, 
have  you?  How  is  the  financial  department  at 
present  ?" 

Nick  looked  up  and  smiled. 

"The  fact  is,"  said  he,  "I've  just  been  buying 
all  the  grain  in  Michigan,  "Wisconsin,  Ohio,  and 
Indiana  for  $7  a  bushel,  and  I  am  rather  short  for 
small  change,  but  if  you  want  a  hundred  thousand 
or  so,  just  send  a  cart  round  to  my  office.  Would 
you  prefer  having  it  in  quarter  eagles  or  twenty 
dollar  pieces  ?" 

"  Well,  Nick,  I  don't  care  to  borrow  at  present, 
b'::^  a  ooy  says  you've  been  drunk.     How  is  it  ?" 

"  W^hatboy  isit?" 

"  Your  boy  in  your  counting-room — the  urchin 
who  runs  on  errands  for  you,  smokes  your  stubs,  and 
pockets  the  small  change." 


.  MAKES   A  PROPOSAL.  59 

N'ow,  hadn't  lie  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  himself, 
the  red-haired  devil,  for  getting  Old  l^ick  into  such 
a  scrape  by  his  drunken  lies  ?  Haven't  I  made  him 
presents  enough?  It  was  only  last  week  that  I  gave 
him  a  house  in  Thirty-second  street,  and  a  splendid 
mansion  on  the  ]^orth  Eiver ;  and  on  the  4th  of  July 
he  had  fourteen  thousand,  dollars,  all  in  pennies,  to 
buy  fire-crackers  and  soda-water  with ;  and  yet  he 
goes  to  you  and  lies,  and  says  that  I've  been 
drunk.  Don't  you  believe  the  lying  cub ;  he's  got  a 
Bpite  agin  me,  because  last  night  I  wouldn't  give 
him  the  Erie  Railroad  to  bet  on  poker;  but  I  couldn't 
do  it,  General ;  I  seen  the  cards  was  agin  him ;  the 
other  feller  held  four  kings,  and  he  hadn't  nothin'in  the 
world  but  three  high-heeled  jacks  and  a  pair  of  fours." 

"  I  do  believe  you  were  drunk,"  said  Boggs,  "  and 
if  you  ever  get  hauled  up  before  the  justice  you 
will  have  to  pay  ten  dollars,  and  if  you  have  not 
that  decimal  amount  handy,  you  had  better  entrust 
it  to  the  boy's  keeping,  to  have  it  ready  in  case  of 
such  an  emergency." 

Nick  felt  in  his  pockets,  and  with  a  puzzled  air 
remarked: 

"  I  haven't  got  the  money  here,  but  I'll  give  you  a 
check  on  the  N^assau  Bank,  for  a  thousand,  and 
you  can  give  me  the  change;   or  I'll  give   you   a 


60  DISCOVERY  OF  A  GROUP. 

deed  of  Stewart's,  or  a  mortgage  lien  on  the  Astor 
House." 

"Shan't  do  it,  shan't  do  it,  Old  Eick;  and  I'm 
afraid  you'll  have  to  go  to  Black  well's  Island,  sure." 

"  There's  that  infernal  island  again,"  said  E'ick ; 
"  if  I'd  ever  thought  it  would  come  to  this,  I  uever'd 
have  given  that  little  piece  of  property  to  the  city  ; 
hut  I'll  buy  it  back  next  week,  and  use  it  hereafter 
for  a  cabbage  garden  ;  see  if  I  don't." 

By  this  time  the  Elephants  seemed  to  disposed  to 
go,  but  Nick  spied  on  the  shirt-front  of  Mr.  John 
Spout  a  diamond  pin,  which  seemed  to  take  his 
fancy.  He  offered  in  vain  a  block  of  stores  in  Pearl 
street,  the  Custom-House,  the  Assay-Office,  the 
Metropolitan  Hotel  and  three-quarters  of  the  steamer 
Atlantic,  and  to  throw  into  the  bargaia  Staten  Island 
and  Brooklyn  City ;  but  it  was  no  use,  the  party  took 
their  leave,  and  Nick  was  disconsolate. 

Passing  up  Broadway,  their  attention  was  attracted 
by  one  of  those  full-length  basswood  statues  of 
impossible-looking  men,  holding  an  impracticable 
pistol  in  his  hand,  at  an  angle  which  never  could  be 
achieved  by  a  live  man  with  the  usual  allowance  of 
bones,  but  which  defiant  figure  was  evidently 
intended  to  be  suggestive  of  a  shooting-gallery  in  the 
rear. 


OF  STREET  STATUARY. 


61 


Mr,  John  Spout,  who  was 
in  a  philosophic  mood,  re- 
marked that  it  was  a  curious 
study  to  observe  the  various 
abortive  efforts  of  aspiring 
carpenters  to  represent  the  human  form  divine,  in 
the  three-cornered  wooden  men,  which  stand  for 
"  pistol-galleries ; "  and  the  inexplicable  Turks,  the 
unheard  of  Scotchmen,  and  the  Indians  of  every 
possible  apd  impossible  tribe,  which  are  supposed 
to  hint  "  tobacco  and  cigars." 

The  ambitious  carpenter  first  hews  out  a  distorted 
caricature  of  a  man,  which  he  passes  over  to  the 
painters  to  be  embellished.  By  the  time  the  figure 
has  survived  the  last  operation,  it  might  certainly 


62  THE  FIGURES  DESCRIBED. 

be  worshipped  without  transgressing  any  scriptural 
injunction,  for  it  certainly  looks  like  nothing  in  "  the 
heavens  above,  the  earth  below,  or  the  waters  under 
the  earth."  It  is,  however,  an  easy  matter  to  distin 
guish  the  Highlanders  from  the  Turks,  by  the  fact, 
that  the  calves  of  their  legs  are  larger  around  than 
their  waists,  and  they  are  dressed  in  petticoats  and 
plaid  stockings;  the  Turks  and  Indians,  however, 
being  of  the  same  color,  might  easily  be  confounded, 
were  it  not  for  the  inexplicable  circumstance  that 
the  former  are  always  squatting  down,  while  the 
latter  are  invariably  standing  up ;  they  are  all,  how- 
ever, remarkable  for  the  unstable  material  of  which 
their  countenances  are  manufactured ;  after  one  has 
been  exposed  to  the  boys  and  the  weather  for  about  a 
fortnight,  his  nose  will  disappear,  his  lips  come  up  a 
minus  quantity,  the  top  of  his  head  be  knocked  off, 
and  a  minute's  scrutiny  will  generally  disclose  the 
presence  of  innumerable  gimlet-holes  in  his  eyes. 
The  boys,  in  their  desire  to  comprehend  perfectly  the 
internal  economy  of  these  human  libels,  not  unfre- 
quently  carry  their  anatomical  investigations  to  the 
extent  of  cutting  off  a  leg  or  two,  and  amputating 
one  or  more  arms,  or  cutting  out  three  or  four  ribs 
with  a  buck-saw  or  a  broad-axe.  Indeed,  there  is  one 
unfortunate    wooden    Indian,   of    some    fossil    and 


A  PISTOL-GALLERY.  6i5 

unknown  tribe,  on  exibition  in  front  of  a  snuif-shop 
in  the  Bowery,  who  has  not  only  lost  both  legs,  one 
arm,  and  his  stomach,  but  has  actually  endured  the 
amputation  of  the  head  and  neck,  and  bears  a  staff 
stuck  in  the  hole  where  his  spine  ought  to  be,  and 
upon  a  flag  is  inscribed  the  heartless  sent9nQe, 
"Mrs.  Miller's  Fine  Cut — for  particulars  inquire 
within." 

Mr.  John  Spout  having  concluded  his  explana- 
tory remarks,  the  entire  party  went  into  the  pistol- 
gallery  before-mentioned,  to  have  a  crack  at  the  iron 
man,  with  the  pipe  in  his  mouth. 

The  nature  of  Mr.  Quackenbush's  profession, 
that  of  a  teacher,  was  not  such  as  would  make  him 
familiar  with  the  use  of  fire-arms,  and,  in  point  of 
fact,  he  had  about  as  good  a  notion  of  pistol-shooting 
as  a  stage-horse  has  of  hunting  wild  bees ;  but  he 
resolved  to  try  his  hand  with  the  rest.  "When  it 
came  to  his  turn  to  try,  he  spilled  the  priming,  and 
fired  the  hair-trigger  instrument,  accidentally,  four 
times,  to  the  imminent  danger  of  the  bystanders, 
before  he  could  be  taught  to  hold  it  so  that  it 
wouldn't  go  off  before  he  got  ready.  He  finally  got 
a  fair  shot,  and  succeeded  in  breaking  a  window 
immediately  behind  him,  after  which  he  concluded 
he  would  not  shoot  any  more. 


64:  A   BOWLING-ALLEY. 

As  the  other  side  of  the  room  was  used  for  a  bowl- 
ing alley,  the  company  proceeded  to  have  a  game  of 
ten-pins ;  and  here,  again,  Mr.  Quackenbush  distin- 
guished himself.  After  dropping  one  ball  on  his 
toes,  and  allowing  another  to  fall  into  a  spittoon,  he 
succeeded  in  getting  one  to  roll  down  the  alley ;  with 
his  second  ball,  by  some  miraculous  chance,  he  got  a 
"  ten-strike,"  knocking  down,  not  only  all  the  pins, 
but  also  the  luckless  youth  who  presided  over  the 
setting-up-department. 

Having  refreshed  themselves,  the  party  once  more , 
regained  Broadway,  and  consulted  as  to  what  place 
should  be  visited  next. 

Mr.  Spout  suggested  that  he  would  like  to  smoke. 
Nobody  dissented  except  Mr.  Dropper,  who  said 
he  had  read  the  day  previous,  in  the  morning 
papers,  that  a  Turkish  elephant  had  arrived  in  town, 
and  was  on  exhibition  on  Broadway,  above  the 
Metropolitan  Hotel.  Thinking  that  a  comparison 
instituted  between  the  Turkish  quadruped  and  the 
one  which  it  was  their  particular  office  to  study, 
might  be  of  benefit  to  the  members  of  the  club,  in 
their  investigations,  Mr.  Dropper  suggested  that  the 
smoking  be  dispensed  with,  until  they  should  come 
into  the  presence  of  the  oriental  animal.  Onward 
the  zoological  specialists  sped  their  way,  sometimes 


THE    ORIENl'AL    ELEPHANT.  65 

marching  in  Indian  file,  and  sometimes  arin-in-arm^ 
running  over  little  boys,  dirty  dogs,  dry-goods  boxes, 
low  awnings  and  area  railings,  until  at  last  Mr. 
Dropper  cried  "  Halt !"  before  the  portals  of  the  den 
wherein  the  mysterious  elephant,  which  had  arrived 
from  Constantinople,  was  concealed.  It  became  a 
question  who  should  lead  in  making  an  entrance. 
Boggs  was  fearful,  Yan  Dam  was  afraid,  Spout  was 
cautious,  Quackenbush  would  a  little  rather  not,  but 
Dropper's  courage  failed  not,  and  he  walked  boldly 
into  the  outer  temple,  followed  by  his  timid  asso- 
ciates. Here  they  discovered  a  long  counter,  and  a 
glass  show-case,  in  which  were  displayed  queer 
shoes,  quaint  tooth-picks,  funny  pipes,  and  singular 
ornaments.  A  glass  jar,  filled  with  a  rose-pink  fluid 
was  also  on  the  counter.  A  tall  gentleman  with  a 
ferocious  moustache,  and  a  diminutive  red  cap, 
without  a  front-piece,  met  them.  Mr.  Quacken- 
bush's  curiosity  was  in  a  single  direction ;  he  said 
he  wanted  to  go  through  the  harem.  Tliey  finally 
entered  into  the  rear  apartment.  Here  their  won- 
dering eyes  beheld  a  long  room,  well  lighted  with 
gas.  In  the  centre  was  a  small  basin,  in  which  gold- 
fish were  indulging  in  their  accustomed  aquatic 
sports.      On  either  side  were  arranged  wide  divans, 

covered  with  red  drapery  and  high  j^illows.     Small 
5 


66  NOVEL    PIPES. 

stands  were  arranged  in  front  of  tliem.  Yarions 
l)arties  were  seated  with  novel  inventions  before 
tliem,  suggested  by  the  minds  of  ingenious  Turks,  to 
accomplish  the  destruction  of  the  tobacco  crop.  The 
members  of  the  Elephant  Club  placed  themselves  on 
the  divans,  and  after  they  had  arranged  them- 
selves to  their  satisfaction,  their  oriental  friend 
approached  them,  and  gave  to  each  a  "programme" 
of  Turkish  delicacies.  Mr.  Spout  inquired  what  a 
nargilU  was,  and  was  informed  that  it  was  a  water- 
pipe.  Mr.  Spout  insisted  that  he  preferred  a  pipe 
wherein  fire,  rather  than  water,  was  the  element 
used.  Mr.  Boggs  said  he  would  take  a  chibouk  on 
trial.  ^Ir.  Spout  coincided,  and  called  also  for  a 
chibouk.  But  Yan  Dam  ordered  three  nargilUs^  one 
for  himself,  another  for  Dropper,  and  a  third  for 
Quackenbush.  The  chibouks  w^ere  produced,  and 
Boggs  and  Spout  commenced  smoking  in  earnest. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  nargilles  were  produced  for 
the  other  members  of  the  club.  Yan  Dam  backed 
down  at  their  first  appearance.  The  glass  vase,  hav- 
ing in  it  water  below  and  fire  above,  looked  suspi* 
cious,  and  added  to  that  was  a  mysterious  length  of 
hose,  which  was  wound  about  in  all  directions,  com 
mencing  at  the  fire,  and  running  around  the  vase, 
about  the  table  legs,  over  the  chair,  back  through 


A   MEMBER   FRIGHTENED. 


67 


the  rounds,  about  his  legs,  around  his  body,  and 
finally  came  up  over  his  shoulder,  and  terminated  in 
a  *  mouth-piece.  Mr.  Yan  Dam's  first  sensations, 
after  these  preliminaries  had  been  arranged,  were 
that  he  was  in  imminent  danger  of  his  life,  and  act- 
ing upon  this  impulse,  he  obstinately  refused  to  go 
the  nargilU^  remarking,  that  they  might  be  harmless 
enough  in  the  hands  of  the  Turks,  who  knew  how  to 


68  ORIENTAL    EXPEEIENCE. 

use  such  fire-arms,  but  he  thouglit  prudence  dictated 
that  he  should  keep  clear  of  such  diabolical  inven- 
tions. 

Dropper  and  Quackenbush,  however,  had  no  fears, 
but  their  drafts  on  the  fire,  through  the  hose,  were 
not  honored  with  smoke.  They  exhausted  the  atmos- 
phere in  their  mouths,  but  get  a  taste  of  smoke  they 
could  not,  and,  in  despair,  Mr.  Quackenbush  called 
in  the  proprietor  for  an  explanation  of  the  mysteries 
of  fumigating  a  la  Tiirque,  In  compliance  with  the 
request,  the  gentleman  informed  the  amateur  Turks 
that  they  must  inhale  the  smoke.  Dropper  protested 
that  he  wouldn't  make  his  lungs  a  stove-pipe  to 
oblige  anybody^ — even  the  sultan  and  his  sultanas — 
and  he  accordingly  dropped  the  hose,  and  ordered  a 
chibouk.  Quackenbush,  however,  made  the  effort, 
but  a  spasmodic  coughing  put  an  end  to  fuither 
attempts,  and  the  result  was  that  another  chibouk 
was  called  for.  Each  member  of  the  club  began  to 
feel  himself  sufficiently  etherealized  to  aspire  to  a 
position  in  a  Mahomedan  heaven,  where  he  could  be 
surrounded  by  the  spirits  of  numberless  beautiful 
fiouris,  when  the  attention  of  Mr.  Spout  was  attracted 
to  a  young  gentleman,  seated  on  a  divan,  in  the  rear 
of  the  apartment. 


A  NEW   CHAEACTEK. 


i9 


He  was  smoking  a  ponderous  chibouk^  and  the 
cloudy  volumes  sent  forth  from  his  mouth  hung  about 
his  form,  quite  obscuring  him  from  sight.  Occa- 
sionally, however,  he  would  stop  to  breathe,  which 
gave  the  members  of  the  club  an  opportunity  to  sur- 
vey his  appearance.  He  was  a  young  man  of  about 
twenty-two  years,  small  in  stature,  with  a  pale,  deli- 
cate skin,  and  light  hair,  plastered  down  by  the  bar- 
ber's skill  with  exactness.  He  had  no  signs  of  beard 
or  moustache.  He  was  evidently  making  mighty 
efforts  to  become  a  Turk.     He  sat  on  the  divan,  with 


To  PLAYING  TUEK. 

his  legs  drawn  up  under  Mm,  adopting  tlie  Turkish 
mode  of  inhaling  the  smoke,  and  he  followed  one 
inhalation  bv  another  with  such  fearful  rapidity  that 
the  first  impulse  of  the  uninitiated  would  have  been 
to  cry  out  fire.  But  he  evidently  didn't  sit  easy,  for 
after  a  few  minutes,  he  pulled  his  legs  out  from  under 
him  and  stretched  them  out  at  full  length,  to  get  out 
the  wrinkles.  The  Turkish  manner  of  sitting  was, 
evidently,  attended  with  physical  inconveniences, 
for,  after  about  a  dozen  experimental  efibrts,  he  gave 
it  up,  put  his  heels  on  the  table,  and  laid  himself 
back  against  the  cushions.  Still,  however,  he  con- 
tinued to  smoke  unremittingly  (as  if  to  make  up  in 
that  what  he  lacked  in  ability  to  sit  in  the  Turkish 
posture).  But  it  was  soon  manifest  that  the  young 
man  was  sufiering.  His  face  was  deathly  pale,  and, 
dropping  his  chibouk^  he  called  out  for  his  oriental 
host.  The  gentleman  in  the  red  cap  appeared,  and 
the  sufferer  informed  him  that  he  "  felt  so  bad,"  and 
he  placed  his  hand  on  his  stomach,  denoting  that  as 
the  particular  seat  of  his  difficulty.  The  benevolent 
Turk  suggested  exercise  out  of  doors,  and,  as  the 
elephant  hunters  were  about  going  out,  they  offered 
to  accompany  him  to  his  home.  The  offer  was 
accepted,  and  the  youth,  sick  in  the  cause  of  Turkey, 
left,  supported  by  Dropper  and  Quackenbush. 


AN    EXPLANATION.  71 

A  walk  of  a  few  squares  relieved  the  young  gen- 
tleman of  the  extremely  unpleasant  sensations,  when 
he  begged  leave  to  express  his  thanks  to  the  gentle- 
men for  their  kindness.  He  took  occasion  to  inform 
them  that  his  name  was  John  I.  Cake,  late  a  resi- 
dent of  an  interior  town  in  Illinois,  where  his  parents 
now  reside.  He  was,  at  present,  living  in  E"ew 
York  with  an  uncle,  who  was  a  banker  in  Wall- 
street,  under  whose  tuition  he  was  learning  rapidly 
how  to  make  inroads  upon  the  plunder  of  his  neigh- 
bors, without  being  in  danger  of  finding  his  efforts 
rewarded  with  board  and  lodging  at  the  expense  of 
State.  He  had  been  educated  at  a  country  college, 
and  knew  nothing  of  city  life,  except  what  he  had 
seen  in  Wall  street. 

Mr.  Spout  said  that  he  was  very  happy 
to  have  met  him,  and  inquired  whether  he  would 
iJRe  to  have  an  opportunity  of  seeing  the  ele- 
phant. 

Mr.  John  I.  Cake  said  that  nothing  would  please 
him  better.  Mr.  Spout  proceeded  at  once  to  inform 
him  that  the  gentlemen  •  who  were  present  were 
members  of  an  organization  gotten  up  for  that 
express  purpose,  and  which  was  known  among  them- 
selves as  the  Elephant  Club ;  further  he  said  to  Mr. 
Cake,  that  if  he  desired  to  join,  they  would  admi- 


72  CEREMONY    OF    TNITIATION. 

nister  the  obligation  to  him  that  evening,  and  initiate 
him  into  the  order. 

Mr.  Cake  said  by  all  means.  At  this  time  the 
party  had  reached  the  front  of  a  church,  in  the  sha- 
dow of  which  they  stopped.  Mr.  Spout,  as  Highold- 
boy,  announced  that  the  Elephant  Club  was  now 
organized.  "Mr.  Cake,"  said  he,  "step  forward  and 
receive  the  obligation." 

Mr.  Cake  did  step  forward  with  a  bold  and 
determined  step. 

Mr.  Spout  continued :  "  Let  your  arm,"  said  he, 
"  hang  in  an  easy  position  from  the  right  shoulder, 
Kow  let  the  digits  of  your  other  hand  point '  over 
the  left.'  Now  then,  Mr.  John  I.  Cake,  late  of  the 
State  of  Illinois,  but  now  encircled  with,  the  moral 
atmosphere  of  Wall  street,  you  do  solemnly  swear, 
by  the  sacred  horn  spoons,  that  you  desire  to  become  a 
member  of  the  Elephant  Club,  that  you  are  willing,  on 
becoming  a  member,  to  do  as  you  please,  unless  it 
pleases  you  to  do  something  else ;  that  you  will  never 
kick  a  big  Irishman's  dog,  unless  you  think  you  are 
smart  enough  to  thrash  his  master ;  that  you  will  be 
just  as  honest  as  you  think  the  times  will  economi- 
cally allow ;  that  you  will,  under  no  circumstances 
buy  and  smoke  a  '  penny  grab,'  so  long  as  you  have 
philanthropic  friends  who  will  give  you  Havanas. 


A  srr  DOWN.  73 

All  of  this  you  solemnly  swear,  so  help  you  John 
Rogers." 

"  Perhaps,"  was  the  response  of  Mr.  John  I.  Cake. 

"  Having  given  the  correct  response,"  said  the 
Higholdboy,  "  3^ou  are  pronounced  a  member  of  the 
Elephant  Club,  when  you  shall  have  duly  favored  us 
with  the  initiative  sit  down." 

''  Good  !"  said  Mr.  Cake,  "  where  shall  it  be  ?" 

"  Wherever  good  oysters  are  to  be  procured,"  said 
Mr.  Dropper. 

"Here  you  are,  then,"  remarked  Quackenbush,  as 
he  pointed  to  a  sign  over  a  subterranean  door-way, 
over  which  was  inscribed  the  words, 

"  Here  are  the  spot 
Where  good  oysters  is  got." 

The  club  descended  into  the  saloon,  and  Mr.  Cake 
called  for  six  half  dozens  on  the  half  shell. 

E"ow,  be  it  known  to  the  readers  of  these  records, 
that  Mr.  Cake  was  unacquainted  with  the  perfectiou 
to  w^hich  many  departments  of  manual  labor  had 
reached,  and  being  naturally  of  an  inquiring  turn  of 
mind,  he  stayed  outside  to  watch  the  feats  of  the 
young  man  who  brandished  the  oyster-knife.  This 
gentleman  was  an  adept  at  his  profession.  With  the 
most  perfect  grace   of  motion,  he   would   lift  the 


T4  AiiT  IN  coxciior.oa-Y. 

oyster  in  liis  left  hand,  lay  its  edge  gently  on  a  small 
iron  standard,  give  that  edge  two  delicate  raps  with 
tile  butt  of  the  oyster-knife  as  a  signal  to  the  oyster 
tliat  its  tnjn  had  now  come,  when  immediately  the 
shells  would  open,  the  upper  half  would  jump  off 
and  fall  below,  and  the  oyster  would  smile  at  the 
young  man  as  he  took  the  knife,  and  delicately 
stroked  down  its  beard.  All  of  this  transpired  in  a 
very  shprt  period  of  time,  which,  with  the  artistic 
grace  displayed  by  the  professor,  was  sufficient  to 


ASTONISHMENT   OF   JOHNY   CAKE.  75 

astound  Mr.  Cake.  Indeed,  tie  had  entirely  forgot- 
ten liis  companions  in  his  admiration  of  concholo- 
gical  anatomy. 

The  oysters  were  placed  before  the  gentlemen,  and 
partaken  of  with  a  relish.  But  Mr.  Cake  had  not 
seen  enough  to  gratify  his  wishes.  He  ordered 
another  dose  all  around,  and  again  took  his  position 
outside  to  watch  the  operation  of  divesting  the 
oysters  of  one  half  of  their  natural  exterior  pro- 
tection. Without  doubt,  the  young  man's  merits,  at 
his  particular  vocation,  were  great;  but  Mr.  Cake 
magnified  them,  in  his  intense  admiration,  most 
alarmingly.  To  him,  it  seemed  as  if  each  particular 
oyster  was  waiting  for  its  turn  to  come,  and  only 
wanted  a  wink  from  the  young  man,  when  it  would 
jump  into  his  grasp,  proud  that  it  was  permitted  so 
soon  to  be  sacrificed  by  such  a  hand.  Mr.  Cake  was 
transfixed ;  he  never  moved  his  eyes  until  the 
second,  third  and  fourth  installment  of  shell-fish 
were  served  up. 

Mr.  Boggs  then  spoke  about  drinK«.  Jonny  pro- 
tested that  he  never  drank  anything  that  would 
intoxicate  —  in  fact,  he  was  an  uncompromising 
teetotaller.  Still,  however,  he  had  no  objections  to 
treating  the  crowd,  as  that  would  give  him  an 
opportunity  to  remain  a  few  minutes  more  with  the 


76  ENWNE   NO.    324 


object  of  liis  admiration.  He  continued  to  watch 
the  motions,  whilst  his  friends  were  doing  justice  to 
the  spirituous  decoctions.  At  last  Mr.  Spout  told 
Jonny  that  it  was  time  to  go.  Jonny  went  to  the 
bar,  paid  the  bill,  and,  as  the  party  regained  the 
street,  Jonny  Cake  said,  with  a  sigh,  that  he  only 
wished  he  were  an  oyster,  that  he,  too,  might  be 
the  willing  victim  of  that  young  man's  knife.  But, 
inasmuch  as  he  was  not,  it  was  his  intention  to  gra- 
tify his  desire  to  see  the  young  man's  manipulations 
by  coming  every  night  until  he  was  satisfied. 

It  is  a  fact  which  may  be  asserted,  that  Mr. 
Jonny  Cake,  as  the  members  of  the  club  had  now 
learned  to  call  him,  with  forty  "oysters  and  the 
fixens  "  on  board,  did  not  walk  with  much  apparent 
comfort. 

The  club  stopped  to  deliberate,  but  in  the  midst 
of  their  deliberations  the  City  Hall  bell  sounded, 
and  instantly  commenced  all  that  furious  uproar 
peculiar  to  Gotham  at  the  sound  of  an  alarm  of  fire. 
A  crowd  of  screaming  men  and  boys  came  tearing 
along,  dragging  Engine  'No.  32^,  which  hung  back 
and  jumped  about,  as  if  determined  not  to  go  at  any 
hazard.  About  half  a  block  in  advance  of  this  crazy 
throng  rushed  a  frantic  man,  with  a  red  shirt  and  a 
tin  trumpet.    Each  individual  yelled  as  if  the  gene- 


THE   EOPE   BK-EL-LKS.  77 

ral  resurrectioD  were  at  hand,  and  he  under  spe- 
cial obligations  to  wake  up  some  particular  friend. 
The  rheumatic  engine  held  back  with  all  its  power, 
and  seemed,  for  the  moment,  endowed  with  a  kind 
of  obstinate  vitality,  l^ow  it  threw  its  wheel  round 
a  lamp-post,  then  it  tumbled  against  the  curb-stone, 
then  it  ran  its  tongue  into  an  awning,  then  affection- 
ately embraced  with  its  projecting  arms  a  crockery- 
wagon,  and  finally,  with  a  kind  of  inanimate  dogged 
determination  not  to  go  ahead,  in  turning  a  short 
corner,  it  leaped  triumphantly  astride  a  hydrant, 
where  it  stnck.  The  men  tugged,  but  the  engine 
held  fast ;  the  frantic  man  in  the  red  ehirt  came 
tearing  back ;  he  had  gone  far  enough  ahead  to  see 
that  13i's  boys  had  got  their  stream  on  the  fire,  and 
he  was  furious  at  the  delay.  One  mighty  jerk,  and 
the  men  and  boys  were  piled  in  a  huge  kicking  mass 
on  the  pavement,  which  phenomenon  was  occasioned 
by  the  unexpected  breaking  of  the  rope.  The  rope 
was  tied,  and  by  a  united  effort  directed  at  the 
wheels,  the  brakes,  the  tongue,  and  every  get-at-able 
point,  the  machine  was  again  started,  protesting,  with 
creaks,  and  groans,  and  various  portentous  run- 
blings  in  its  inner  works,  against  the  roughness  of 
its  treatment. 

The   frantic   red-shirt-man    howled    through    his 


78  .     THE   RACE. 

trumpet  that  Hose  24f  was  coming.  The  boys 
looked  back,  and  Hose  24f  was  coming.  Hose  245 
came  alongside.  Hose  24|-  tried  to  go  by.  Hose 
24:f  was  evidently  striving  to  get  to  the  fire  in 
advance  of  her  betters,  but  Hose  24f  couldn't  do  it — 
for,  at  this  interesting  juncture,  32i's  fellows  waked 
up  to  their  work,  and  the  race  began.  Single  gen- 
tlemen got  into  doorways,  or  crawled  under  carts; 
the  ladies, who  were  in  the  street  at  that  time  of 
night  disappeared  down  oyster-cellars ;  the  M.  P.s 
probably  went  through  the  coal-holes,  for  not  one 
was  at  that  instant  "visible  to  the  naked  eye." 
Stages,  to  get  out  of  the  way,  turned  down  alleys  so 
narrow  that  they  had  to  be  drawn  out  backwards ; 
an  express-wagon  was  run  into,  and  wrecked  on  a 
pile  of  bricks ;  an  early  milk-cart  was  left  high  and 
dry  on  a  mountain  of  oyster-shells ;  a  belated  hand- 
cart-man deserted  his  vehicle  in  the  middle  of  the 
street,  and  it  was  instantly  demolished,  while  the 
owner  was  only  preserved  from  a  similar  fate  by 
being  knocked  gently  over  a  picket-fence  into  an 
area,  where  there  couldn't  anybody  get  at  him.  In 
the  height  and  very  fury  of  the  race,  the  crowd 
rushed  upon  the  Elephantines,  who  were  gazing  in 
fancied  security  at  the  mixed-up  spectacle  before 
them.      In   an   instant  they  were  all  inextricably 


MIXED-UP    SPECTACLE.  79 

entangled  in  the  riisli ;  those  that  escaped  32i  were 
caught  up  instantly  by  24:f ,  and  those  who  got  away 
from  24f,  were  seized  upon  by  32^.  It  was  no  use 
resisting — on  they  njust  go.  The  ponderosity  of 
John  Spout  was  no  protection  to  him ;  nor  did  the 
lankness  of  Dusenbury  Quackenbush,  and  the  unre- 
liable appearance  of  his  legs,  avail  him  anything. 
The  quiet  inoffensiveness  of  Yan  Dam  was  not 
respected ;  no  regard  was  paid  to  the  philosophical 
composure  of  Mr.  Kemington  Dropper.  The  youthful 
face  of  Jonny  Cake,  too,  availed  nothing  in  his  favor. 
Mr.  Boggs  became  involved,  and  all  were  irretrieva- 
bly mingled  with  the  howling  demi-devils  who  were 
racing  for  the  miniature  purgatory,  the  flames  from 
which  could  now  be  plainly  seen.  It  was  "No.  1, 
round  the  corner,"  the  residence  of  "My  Uncle," 
and  each  one  was  anxious  to  redeem  his  individual 
efi*ects  without  going  through  the  formality  of  pay- 
ing charges  and  giving  up  the  tickets. 

But  their  very  anxiety  was  a  serious  bar  to  their 
rapid  progress  :  and  the  two  machines  were  jammed 
together  by  the  zealous  rivals.  Hard  words  ensued, 
and  a  general  row  was  the  instant  and  legitimate 
result.  Quackenbush  was  complimented  with  a  lick 
over  the  head  with  a  trumpet,  in  the  hands  of  the 
frantic  red-shirt-man,  who  accused  him  of  locking  the 


80  A    GENERAL   ROW. 

tongue  of  24f  into  32i's  wheel.  Dropper  had  his 
hat  knocked  over  his  eyes,  and  thereupon,  his  indig- 
nation being  roused,  he  hit  out,  right  and  left.  His 
first  vigorous  blow  inflicted  terrific  damage  upon  the 
amiable  countenance  of  his  best  friend,  Mr.  Yan  Dam, 
and  the  very  first  kick  he  gave  upset  Mr.  John  Spout 


upon  the  protruding  stomach  of  a  man  who  had  been 
knocked  down  with  a  spanner.  John  quickly  recov- 
ered himself,  and  hit  Yan  Dam  a  clip  in  the  sinister 
optic,  which  placed  that  useful  member  in  a  state  of 
temporary  total  eclipse.  The  battle  became  general, 
and  each  man  waged  an  indiscriminate  war  upon  his 
neighbor.  Between  the  affectionate  thrashing  they 
gave  each  other,  and  the  indiscriminate  kicks  and 
punches  they  received  from  outsiders,  the  Elephan- 
tines  were  well  pommelled.     By  the  time  32^  and 


AFTER   THE   FIGHT.  81 

24f  liad  got  out  of  the  muss,  and  were  fairly  on  their 
way  to  the  fire  again,  Mr.  John  Spout  was  the  only 
one  of  that  fraternal  band  visible  on  his  feet.  Drop- 
per was  doubled  up  across  a  hydrant,  Yan  Dam  was 
comfortably  reposing  on  his  back,  in  the  middle  of 
the  street,  while  Quackenbush  was  sitting  on  him, 
trying  to  wipe  the  blood  out  of  his  e}»es,  and  to  ascer- 
tain, as  nearly  as  possible,  the  number  of  teeth  he 
had  swallowed.  But  when  the  members  came 
together  to  make  mutual  explanations,  Jonny  Cake 
was  non  est.  Great,  indeed,  was  the  cry  that  was 
heard  after  the  missing  member.  Quackenbush  bel- 
lowed out,  in  a  heavy,  sonorous  voice,  that  the  diffi- 
culty was  all  past,  when  Jonny's  shrill  voice  was 
heard  in  response.  The  voice  proceeded  from  an 
empty  molasses  hogshead,  into  which  Jonny  had 
jumped,  during  the  melee,  for  safety.  His  brother- 
members  released  him  from  his  situation,  and,  when 
he  was  once  more  on  Gotham's  pavement,  he  was 
literally  a  sweet  case.  Dirty  sugar  adhered  to  every 
part  of  his  exterior.  Explanations  were  then  made, 
and  the  members  proceeded  to  shake  hands  all  round, 
except  Mr.  Dropper,  who  couldn't  shake  hands  with 
anybody,  because  some  one  had  upset  a  bucket  of  tar 
on  his  fingers,  and  he  couldn't  get  it  off. 

The  matter  being  at  length  arranged  to  the  satis 


82  THE    CLUB    RESOLVED. 

faction  of  all  concerned,  they  adjourned  from  the 
sidewalk  to  a  beer-shop,  where  they  washed  their 
faces,  pinned  up  the  rents  in  their  pantaloons,  and 
got  the  jams  out  of  their  hats,  as  well  as  they  could 
upon  so  short  a  notice.  They  then  found  their  way 
to  the  club-room,  held  a  council,  and  without  a  great 
deal  of  deliberation,  it  was  resolved,  every  man  for 
himself : 

That,  to  prevent  the  future  possibility  of  all  the 
members  of  the  club  having  black  eyes  at  the  same 
time,  the  members  would,  from  this  time  forth,  pur- 
sue their  investigations  singly,  or  in  pairs — the  opti- 
cal adornment  of  a  single  person  being  bearable,  but 
for  all  the  club  to  be  simultaneously  thus  affected, 
was  a  phenomenon  not  down  in  the  bills. 

The  club  then  adjourned  for  convalescence. 


^m\  toning  fflitlj  \\i  (Club. 

"Dogs  bark."— Shakspbabb. 

As  soon  as  the  members  of  the  Elephant  Clnb  had 
recovered  their  normal  appearance,  each  issued 
forth  alone  to  catch  further  glimpses  of  the  colossal 
quadruped  of  the  metropolis.  Each  was  assiduous 
in  pursuing  his  investigations,  and  all  manifested  a 
spirit  of  self-denial  worthy  of  martyrs  in  the  cause 
of  scientific  research.  The  quantity  of  bad  liquors 
they  drank  in  forming  new  acquaintances,  it  were 
useless  to  estimate ;  the  horrible  cigars  they  smoked 
with  those  acquaintances  are  beyond  computation, 
and  yet  they  never  flagged  for  a  moment.  After  a 
few  days,  thus  passed,  the  Higholdboy  thought  it 
time  the  club  should  hear  the  reports  of  its  members. 
He,  accordingly,  put  up  on  the  bulletin  a  notice, 
stating  that  he  expected  the  attendance  of  every 
member  on  a  certain  evening. 

The  evening  came,  and  with  it  came  the  members. 


84  PKELIMINARY   PROCEEDINGS. 

The  weather  was  sufficiently  warm  to  admit  of  the 
windows  being  up,  and  a  fine,  cooling  draught  of  air 
passed  through  the  apartment.  The  gentlemen 
filled  their  pipes  and  proceeded  to  take  it  easy. 
Mr.  Dropper  hung  himself  upon  two  chairs ;  Boggs 
stretched  himself  upon  a  sofa ;  Yan  Dam  took  off 
his  coat,  rolled  it  up  for  a  pillow,  and  laid  himself 
out  on  the  floor.  Quackenbush  put  an  easy-chair  by 
the  door,  and  seated  himself  there  to  act  as  sentinel. 
Mr.  Spout,  the  Higholdboy,  moved  his  official  chair 
up  to  one  of  the  windows,  turned  the  back  upon  his 
fellow-members,  seated  himself,  raised  his  feet  to  the 
window-casing,  and  said  that,  with  his  eyes  looking 
out  between  the  toes  of  his  boots  upon  the  tiles  and 
chimney-pots,  it  could  not  be  said  he  had  seen  any 
disorderly  conduct,  if  the  members  should  see  fit  to 
vary  the  monotony  of  the  proceedings  by  getting  up 
an  extemporized  row  among  themselves.  Jonny  Cake 
alone  seemed  aware  that  a  necessity  existed  for  the 
exhibition  of  proper  dignity  oh  the  part  of  the  meet- 
ing. He  sat  by  the  table  proudly  erect.  His  stand- 
ing collar,  neatly- tied  cravat,  and  scrupulously  clean 
exterior,  corresponded  with  his  prim  deportment. 

It  became  a  serious  question  who  should  open  his 
budget  of  experience  first.  There  was  no  rule  to 
coerce  a  member  to  commence;  consequently,  ap- 


A  CONTEIBUTION.  S6 

peals  were  made  to  the  magnanimity  of  each  other. 
These  were  irresistible,  and  all  suddenly  became 
willing  and  even  anxious  to  make  the  beginning. 

Mr.  Dropper,  however,  get  the  floor  first.  He 
insisted  that  he  was  not  in  the  habit  of  appearing  in 
large  assemblies  as  a  prominent  participant  in  the 
proceedings,  and,  in  consideration  of  this  fact,  he 
ventured  to  hope  that  his  incipient  efibrts  would  not 
be  judged  of  harshly. 

^  Mr.  Dropper's  spasmodic  modesty  excited  the 
boisterous  mirth  of  his  fellow-members. 
Mr.  Remington  Dropper  commenced : 
"Gentlemen  of  the  Elephant  Club,"  said  he,  "  the 
subject  which  I  have  to  present  for  your  consideration 
this  evening  is  a  remarkable  instance  of  the  genus 
homo  which  I  accidentally  came  across  in  my  pereg- 
rinations a  few  evenings  since.  I  was  returning 
home  from  the  theatre,  and  in  passing  a  door-\^ay  in 
Broadway,  I  discovered  a  man  seated  on  the  stone 
step,  with  his  form  reclining  against  the  door-casing. 
The  gas-light  shone  directly  in  his  face,  which 
revealed  to  me  the  fact  that  he  was  asleep.  The 
singularity  of  his  personal  appearance  could  not  fail 
to  attract  my  attention,  and  I  stopped  to  study  his 
form,  features,  and  dress,  to  determine,  if  I  could, 
who  and  what  he  was.    His  face  had  evidently  been 


86  A  NON-00MMITTALI8T 

put  Up  askew.  The  corner  of  his  mouth,  the  eye 
and  eyebrow  on  one  side  were  inclined  downward, 
giving  him  a  demure  and  melancholy  look ;  but  on 
the  other  side  they  were  inclined  upwards,  which 
made  that  side  show  a  continued  grin.  A  front  view 
of  his  face  was  suggestive  of  both  joy  and  melan- 
choly, which  was  equal  to  no  expression  at  all,  as  the 
expression  on  one  side  offset  that  of  the  other.  His 
coat,  which  was  buttoned  tightly  about  him,  was 
neither  a  dress  nor  a  frock,  but  the  skirts  were 
rounded  off  in  front,  making  it  a  compromise 
between  the  two.  His  pants  were  also  a  go-between  ; 
they  were  neither  white  nor  black,  but  in  point  of 
color,  were  a  pepper-and-salt  formation.  The  leg  on 
one  side  was  rolled  up.  On  one  foot  was  a  boot,  on 
the  other  a  shoe.  He  wore  a  very  dirty  collar, 
which,  on  the  laughing  side  of  his  face  was  Byronic, 
and  on  the  solemn  side,  uncompromisingly  erect. 
His  hat  was  an  antiquated  shanghae — black  on 
the  crown  and  light  underneath  the  brim.  If  a 
noun,  he  was  certainly  a  very  uncommon,  but  not 
strictly  a  proper  noun.  If  a  verb,  he  seemed  to  be 
passive.  The  tense  of  his  general  appearance  it 
w^ould  be  difficult  to  determine.  Strictly,  it  was 
neither  past  nor  present,  nor  was  it  in  accordance 
with  my  ideas  of  the  future.     To  a  certain  extent  it 


DISCOVERED.  87 

wao  i.L  ihitie.  His  seedy  exterior  was  the  remains 
of  tii>3  past^  existing  in  the  present,  and  existing 
prospectively  in  the  future.  His  mood  was  subjunc- 
tive, full  of  doubt  and  uncertainty.  Judging  from 
his  entire  appearance,  I  could  come  to  no  other  con- 
clusion as  respects  his  character,  than  that  he  was  a 
combination  of  ups  and  downs,  a  concentration  of 
small  differences,  a  specimen  of  non-committalism  in 
everything  except  an  entire  abstinence  from  water 
used  as  a  means  of  purifying  his  body  externally, 
and  his  clothing.  His  red  nose  led  me  to  suspect 
that  he  did  not  bathe  with  cold  water  to  an  alarming 
extent  inwardly.  The  individual  was  remarkable, 
not  for  what  he  was,  but  for  what  he  was  not. 

"  Such  were  my  thoughts,  gentlemen,  and  I  deter- 
mined to  awake  the  unconscious  sleeper,  to  see  how 
far  my  conclusions  were  right.  I  shook  him  well, 
and  accompanied  my  act  with  a  peremptory  order 
to  '  get  up.'  After  a  moment  he  roused  himself  and 
looked  at  me,  but  immediately  dropped  his  eyes.  I 
commenced  a  dialogue  with  him,  which,  as  near  as  I 
can  recollect,  was  as  follows : 

"  '  What  are  you  doing  here  V  said  I. 

''  *  Dun'no,'  was  the  response. 

"  '  You're  certainly  quite  drunk.' 

"'Likely.' 


88  BOBINGER   THOMAS. 

"  *  That  is  an  offence  against  the  law.' 

"'Des'say.' 

"  ^  You've  been  arrested  ±01  drunkenness  before.' 

a  c  "wrerrj  like.  But  I  'aven't  been  a  doin'  nuthin' 
helse.' 

"'But  IVe  arrested  you  before,^  said  I,  playing 
the  policeman,  in  order  to  continue  the  conversa- 
tion. 

" '  Des'say,  hofficer ;  but  did  I  hoffer  any  resist- 
ance V 

"  '  Your  weight  did.' 

"  <  Vas  it  wiolent  V 

"  '  You  were  too  drunk  to  make  any  violeni-.  resist- 
ance.' 

"  '  Des'say ;  I  honly  inquired  for  hinformatioH.' 

"  '  What's  your  name  V 

"  '  Yich  name  do  you  vant  to  know  V 

"  '  Your  whole  name,  of  course.' 

"  *  Bobinger  Thomas.' 

" '  Where  were  you  bom,  Thomas  V 

"'Hingland.' 

"  '  What  is  your  business  ?' 

"  '  My  perwession  ?' 

"'Yes.' 

"  '  It's  warious.  I  never  dabbled  with  law,  physics, 
or  diwinity.' 


CONFESSES   HIS   PROFESSION. 


89 


"  '  I  asked  you  what  your  profession  is — ^not  what 
it  isn't.' 

^' '  My  perwession  now,  or  vot  it  used  to  vos  V 

"  '  Your  present  profession,  of  course.' 

"  « Yell—nuthin'.' 

^' '  Well,  what  was  your  profession  in  the  past  V 

"  '  Yot  do  you  vant  to  know  for  V 

"  '  I  shall  answer  no  questions ;  but  you  must, 
!N"ow  tell  me  what  your  past  profession  was.' 


LMG  POllQ^ 


"'Dogs.' 

"  '  Are  you  a  dog-fancier?' 

"  '  Poss'bly  ;  I  fancies  dogs.' 

"  '  What  breed  of  dogs  do  you  fancy?' 


90  THOMAS    AND    HIS   DOGS. 

"  *Tliein  as  I  gets  in  Jersey.' 

"  *  What  do  you  do  with  the  dogs  that  you  get 

there  V 

"  '  I  vouldn't  go  into  the  business  if  I  vos  in  your 

sitivation.     It  don't  pay  any  more,  'cause  there's  so 

many  coves  as  has  inwested.     I  left  'cause  it  vos 

hoverdid.' 

"  ^  I  hadn't  the  slightest  intention  of  going  into  the 

business.     I  asked  you  for  information.' 

"  '  Glad  to  'ear  you  say  so.     I  vos  halmost  hut- 

terly  ruined  in  it.' 

"  '  Well,  what  do  you  do  with  the  dogs  ?' 

"  *  I  doesn't  follow  the  perwession  no  more.' 

"  '  I  asked  you  what  you  did  with  the  dogs  you 

picked  up  in  New  Jersey.' 

" '  They  muzzles  dogs  now  more  than  they  did 

vonce.' 

" '  Tell  me  what  you  did  with  the  dogs.' 

"  '  If  you  nab  a  cove  for  gettin'  drunk  vot  do  they 

do  vith  'im  V 

"  '  Are  you  going  to  answer  my  question  V 

"  '  Till  they  let  me  off  if  I  tell  vere  I  got  the 

liquor  V 

"  '  Look  here,  Thomas,  answer  my  question.' 
''  ^  Yot  do  they  do  vith  the  coves  as  sells  V 


NEW    YORK   DOG-POUND.  91 

"'I  shan't  trifle  with  you  any  longer.  If  you 
don't  tell  me  what  you  do  with  the  dogs,  I  shall 
enter  a  charge  of  vagrancy  against  you.' 

"  '  Yell,  I  didn't  sell  'em  for  sassengers.' 

"  '  What  did  you  sell  them  for  V 

"'I  didn't  sell'em.' 

V 
"  'How  did  you  dispose  of  them?'  ^ 

"  '  Is  old  Keene  varden  of  the  penitentiary  now  V 
"  '  Tell  me,  now,  what  you  did  with  the  dogs.' 
"  '  I  took  'em  to  the  dog  pound.' 
"  '  What  did  you  do  with  them  there  V 
"'Yy,   doesn't  they  muzzle   cats  the    same    as 
dogs?' 

"  '  Look  here,  Thomas,  you  must  answer  my  ques- 
tion without  equivocation.  I  want  to  understand 
the  details  of  this  dog-business.  What  did  you  do 
with  them  at  the  dog-pound  ?' 

"  '  For  he  very  dog  as  ve  takes  to  the  pound  ve 
gets  an  'arf  a  slum.' 

"'Then  it  seems  you  caught  your  dogs  in  !N"ew 
Jersey,  brought  them  to  the  New  York  dog-pound, 
and  claimed  for  your  philanthropic  exertions  the 
reward  of  a  half  a  dollar,  offered  by  ordinance  for 
every  dog  caught  within  the  limits  of  New  York?' 

"  '  Yell,  if  you'd  been  born  into  the  perwession, 
you  couldn't  have  understood  its  vays  better.' 


92  THOMAS  EQUrVOCATES. 

"  '  You  are  a  sweet  subject,  certainly.' 

"'Des'say.' 

"  '  Are  you  not  ashamed  of  yourself,  to  be  found 
lying  drunk  in  door- ways  V  ^ 

" '  B'lieve  sa' 

"  '  Are  you  not  certain  you  are  V 

"^Prob'bly.' 

"  *  Did  you  drink  liquor  to-night  V 

"^PVaps.' 

"  '  Where  did  you  get  it  V 

"'Dun'no.' 

"'What  kind  was  it?' 

"  '  I  halvays  'ad  a  passion  for  gin.' 

"  *  Was  it  gin  you  drank  to-night  V 

"'Des'say.' 

"  '  Are  you  not  sure  that  it  was  V 

"'Mebbee.' 

"  '  How  often  do  you  drink  ?" 

"  '  Honly  ven  I've  got  the  blunt  to  pay.  Dutch- 
men vont  trust  now.' 

"  '  Did  you  have  any  money  to-night?' 

"« Likely.' 

"* How  did  you  get  it?' 

"  '  'Oldin'  an  'orse  for  a  cove.' 

"  *  How  much  did  you  get  for  that  V 

"'Ashillin.' 


THOMAS   ACCEPTS   SILVEB.  93 

"' With  that  you  bought  gin?' 

"'Prob'bly.' 

"'And  got  drunk?' 

" '  Poss'blj.' 

"  '  Thomas,  where  do  you  live  ?' 

"  '  Noveres,  in  p'tickler.' 

"  '  Where  do  you  eat  V 

"  '  Yere  the  wittles  is.' 

"  '  Where  do  you  sleep  V 

"  '  Anyveres,  so  that  the  M.  P.s  can't  nab  me. 

"  '  You  ought  to  be  sent  to  Blackwell's  Island  as  a 
vagrant.' 

"'Des'say.' 

"  '  You've  been  there,  have  you  not  V 

"'Mebbee.' 

"  '  Don't  you  know  whether  you've  been  there  or 
not?' 

"'P'r'aps.' 

"  '  Are  you  certain  of  anything  ?' 

" '  Dun'no.' 

"  ^]S"ow,  Thomas,  said  I,  in  conclusion,  *  I  am 
going  to  let  you  off  this  time,  but  I  hope  you  will 
keep  sober  in  the  future.  Now,  here  is  a  quarter 
for  you,  to  pay  for  your  lodging  to-night.' 

'*  Thomas,  the  non-committalist,  accepted  the  silver 


94  THE  CLUB  CALLED  TO  ORDER. 

"  I  concluded  to  ask  him  one  more  question,  in 
hopes  to  get  a  direct  and  positive  answer. 

"  '  Will  you  use  that  money  to  pay  for  a  bed  V  I, 
asked. 

"  '  Des'say,'  said  he,  upon  which  I  vamosed." 

The  Higholdboy  raised  himself  from  his  official 
seat  before  the  window,  turned  round,  got  on  his 
knees  in  the  chair,  leaned  his  head  on  his  hands  and 
his  arms  on  the  chair-back,  and  whilst  everybody  was 
still  and  quiet,  he  called  out,  in  a  stentorian  voice, 
"  Order."  The  effect  of  this  peremptory  demand 
was  to  induce  considerable  disorder,  as  no  one  was 
willing  to  be  regarded  out  of  order,  even  by  implica- 
tion, without  some  foundation.  Everybody  talked 
and  nobody  listened,  except  Mr.  Dropper,  and  it  was 
not  until  Mr.  Quackenbush  had  stuffed  a  ham  sand- 
wich down  the  throat  of  the  Higholdboy,  thrown  a 
box  of  sardines  at  the  head  of  Yan  Dam,  tipped  over 
the  timid  Boggs,  and  poured  a  lernonade  down  the 
throat  of  Jonny  Cake,  that  they  would  consent  to 
hear  what  he  desired  to  say. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Quackenbush,  "  that's  a 
remarkably  fine  story,  isn't  it  ?" 

"  Des'say,"  said  Spout. 

"  Werry  like,"  responded  Yan  Dam. 


ME.  JAMES  GEORGE  BOGGS.  95 

"  Mebbee,"  replied  Jonny  Cake. 

"  Likely,"  remarked  Boggs,  as  he  picked  himself 
up,  preparatory  to  letting  himself  down  in  three 
chairs. 

Mr.  Spout  left  his  chair,  and  moved  to  that  par- 
ticular locality  in  the  apartment  where  the  bell-pull, 
leading  to  the  bar  below,  was  situated.  He  gave 
sundry  pulls  in  accordance  with  the  previously- 
arranged  system  of  telegraphing,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  they  were  answered  by  a  young  gentle- 
man, with  a  tin  waiter  in  his  hands,  on  which  were 
placed  divers  decoctions,  which  stand  in  better 
repute  outside  of  total  abstinence  societies  than 
inside.  Each  took  his  mixture  until  it  came  to 
Jonny  Cake,  when  the  Higholdboy  passed  over 
to  him  a  mild  beverage,  called  a  port  wine  sangaree. 
Johnny  refused  to  accept  it,  and  announced  that  he 
was  strict  in  his  adherence  to  principle — that  he 
never  indulged  in  anything  which  could  intoxicate. 
A  lemonade  he  would  indulge  in  sometimes,  but  a 
port  wine  sangaree — i\QYQv-^iieveT — never. 

When  Jonny  Cake  had  finished  his  indignant 
repudiation  of  the  port  wine  sangaree  amid  the 
cheering  of  his  fellow  members,  Mr.  James  George 
Boggs  arose.  He  mounted  a  chair,  and  made  an 
effort  to  speak.    He  was  greeted  with  loud  applause. 


yt).  A  SPEECH    BY   B0GG8. 

As  soon  as  these  manifestations  had  subsided,  he 
said : 

"  Fellow-citizens  (applause)  ;  I  may  say  that  it  is 
with  feelings  of  the  most  profound  gratification 
(loud  applause),  that  I  meetj  this  evening,  the  mem- 
bers of  the  illustrious  Elephant  Club  (continued 
applause),  of  which  I  am  an  unpretending  and  ob- 
scure member  (renewed  applause).  Gentlemen,  I  do 
not  like  to  appear  as  an  apologist,  and  much  less  an 
apologist  for  my  own  shortcomings  (loud  and  con- 
tinued applause).  Gentlemen,  I  protest  against 
your  unwarranted  interference  when  I  am  trying  to 
be  funny  (applause  and  cheers).  I  am  a  modest 
man,  and  I  am  unwilling  to  stand  here  to  be  fooled 
with  (enthusiastic  applause);  Mr.  Dropper,  if  you 
don't  shut  up  your  mouth,  I'll  knock  your  mous- 
tache down  your  throat  (tremendous  applause).  Mr. 
Spout,  you  are  the  Higholdboy  of  this  club,  but 
I'll  hit  you  with  a  brick  if  you  don't  keep  better 
order.  (Cries  of  "  Order !"  "  Order !")  If  you'U  stop 
your  blasted  noise,  there  will  be  no  trouble  about 
order.  (Cries  of  "Go  on !")  Well,  gentlemen,  as  1 
was  saying  that— that — that — where  the  devil  did  I 
leave  off?  (Applause  and  laughter.)  There,  you  see 
that  you  have  brokeil  the  thread  of  my  remarks. 
(Cries  of  "  Good !")    Yes,  it  may  be  fun  for  you,  but, 


97 


as  the  boy  said  to  the  frogs,  it's  death  to  me  (laugh- 
ter). 'No,  I  mean  as  the  DeatJi  aaid  to  the  boys,  it's 
frogs  to — (renewed  laughter).  Go  to  thunder !  I  am 
not  going  to  make  speeches  to  such  a  set  a  young 
rascals  as  you  are."    (More  applause.) 

As  soon  as  order  had  restored  itself,  the  Highold- 
boy  ordered,  at  his  own  expense,  a  glass  of  apple- 
jack for  Mr.  Boggs,  with  the  view  of  expressing, 
through  it,  his  full  and  thorough  appreciation  of 
Boggs's  oratory.  Mr.  Boggs  accepted  it.  Inquiry 
was  then  made  of  Mr.  Boggs  as  to  what  he  had 
desired  to  say  in  his  speech.  He  stated  substan- 
tially, that,  having  been  engaged  in  loafing  about, 
and  doing  nothing,  he  had  had  no  time  to  prepare  a 
contribution  for  the  entertainment  of  the  club.  ' 

So  completely  had  the  eloquence  of  Mr.  Boggs 
riveted  the  attention  of  the  club,  that  they  had 
hardly  made  a  commencement  in  disposing  of  the 
beverages  which  had  been  ordered;  Mr.  Dropper 
proposed  that,  as  Johnny  Cake  was  not  to  be 
employed  in  drinking,  he  having  ignored  the  prof- 
fered port  wine  sangaree,  he  should  occupy  their 
time  by  relating  his  experience.  To  this  he 
expressed  his  willingness  to  accede.  He  stated, 
however,  that  he  had  been  on  a  flying  visit  to  Illi- 
nois since  his  initiation  into  the  Elephantine  order, 
and  that  he  was  consequently  unable  to  furnish 


98  JOHNNY  cake's  EAILEOAD  EXPERIENCE. 

them  with  any  experience  of  an  interesting  nature, 
in  ISTew  York.  But  some  interesting  incidents  had 
occurred  on  a  railroad  train,  which  he  had  undertaken 
to  note  down,  with  the  view  of  reading  to  the  club. 

Mr.  Johnny  Cake  here  produced  a  roll  of  manu- 
scripts, which,  after  he  had  straightened  up  his 
collar,  he  proceeded  to  read.  The  manuscript  read 
as  follows : — 

"  I  do  not  propose,  now,  to  give  you  a  glimpse  of 
anything  within  the  city.  In  fact,  it  is  my  inten- 
tion to  inflict  upon  you  an  extra-metropolitan  scene, 
which  I  recently  witnessed,  and  which,  though 
funny,  was  not  comfortable,  and  I  don't  care  about 
experiencing  it  again. 

•  The  section  of  country  to  which  your  attention  is 
called  was  flat — positively  flat — comparatively  stale, 
and  superlatively  unprofitable.  It  was  a  western 
prairie  marsh,  the  home  of  gigantic  frogs,  the  abid- 
ing place  of  water-snakes  and  musk-rats;  where 
flourished  in  luxuriant  profusion,  bubushes,  water- 
cresses,  pond-lilies,  ana  such  like  amphibious  and 
un-get-at-able  vegetables.  Through  that  particular 
locality  a  train  of  cars  was  not  only  seen,  but  heard 
going  at  2'4:0"  speed  over  a  pile-bridge,  made  across 
a  Michigan  swamp,  by  driving  black-oak  logs  end- 
wise into  the  mud.  The  people  therein  were 
covered  with  dust,  as  thickly  as  if  eacli  man  had  been 


A   MALIGNANT  CONDTTCTOE.  99 

a  locomoting  Pompeii,  each  woman  a  perambulating 
Herculaneum,  and  some  vagrant  Yesuvius  had  been 
showering  ashes  on  them  all  for  a  month.  Thej 
were  lying  about  loose  in  the  cars,  after  the  ordinary 
fashion  of  people  on  a  tedious  railway  journey ; 
curled  up  in  some  such  ungraceful  and  uneasy  posi- 
tions as  the  tired  beasts  of  a  strolling  menagerie 
probably  assume  in  their  cages  during  their  forced 
marches  across  the  country.  To  carry  out  the 
parallel,  the  conductor  came  along  at  irregular  inter- 
vals, and  with  deliberate  and  premeditated  malignity, 
stirred  up  the  passengers,  as  if  they  were  actually 
animals  on  exhibition,  and  he  really  was  their 
keeper,  and  wanted  to  make  them  growl.  And  this 
conductor,  in  common  with  conductors  in  general; 
deserves  notice  for  the  diabolical  ingenuity  which  he 
displayed  in  forcing  from  his  helpless  victims  the 
greatest  number  of  growls  in  a  limited  space  of  time. 
The  cars  had  just  left  the  flourishing  prairie  city  of 
Scraggville,  which  contains  seven  houses  and  a 
tavern,  and  a  ten-acre  lot  for  a  church,  in  the  centre 
of  which  the  minister  holds  forth  now  from  a  cedar 
stump.  At  the  tavern,  dinner  had  been  served  up, 
and  the  conductor,  according  to  the  usual  custom,  had 
started  the  train  as  soon,  without  waiting  for  his  pas- 
sengers to  eat  anything,  as  the  money  was  collected 


100     "    '  A   PASSENGER  SINGS. 

The  population  of  our  train,  which  exceeded  that  of 
the  great  city  of  Scraggville  by  about  one  hundred 
and  seventy  persons,  had  composed  itself  for  a  short 
nap,  and  the  various  individuals  had  settled  as  nearly 
into  their  old  places  as  possible,  when  a  man, 
remarkable  for  a  particularly  lofty  shirt-collar,  a 
wooden  leg,  and  an  unusual  quantity  of  dust  on  the 
bridge  of  his  nose,  began  to  siDg.  He  commenced 
that  touching  ballad,  now  so  popular,  "  the  affecting 
history  of  Yilikins  and  his  Dinah."  The  pathos  of  his 
words,  added  to  the  unusual  power  of  his  voice, 
waked  up  his  right-hand  neighbor,  before  he  had  pro- 
ceeded any  further  than  to  inform  the  listeners  that, 

"  Vilikins  vas  a-valking  " 

This  neighbor  who  was  so  suddenly  aroused,  and 
who  was  distinguished  by  a  steeple-crowned  hat,  did 
not  appear  to  care  where  Yilikins  was  a-walking,  or 
to  take  much  interest  in  the  particulars  of  the  said 
walk,  for  he  immediately  turned  on  the  other  side,  tied 
himself  up  in  a  worse  knot  than  he  was  in  before,  and 
attempted  to  sleep  again.  He  had  in  so  doing 
shaken  from  the  top  of  his  mountainous  hat  about 
half  a  peck  of  cinders,  directly  into  the  mouth  of 
the  vocalist.    The  latter  gentleman,  however,  seemed 


A  SECOND  PASSENGER   '^AKEsl  101 

nothing  disconcerted  by  this  unexpected  pulverulent 
donation,  but,  removing  those  particles  which  most 
interfered  with  his  vocal  apparatus,  he  proceeded 
with  his  melody.  This  time  he  progressed  as  far  as 
to  state  emphatically  that, 

"  Vilikins  vas  a-valkin'  in  his  garding  one  day," 

And  was  about  to  add  the  explanatory  notes,  that 
it  was  the  "back  garding,"  when  his  left-hand  neigh- 
bor emerged  from  a  condition  of  somnolency  into  a 
state  of  unusual  wakefulness. 

The  most  noticeable  thing  about  this  last  named 
individual  was  the  optical  fact  that  he  had  but  one 
eye.  And  as  this  solitary  orb  was  partially  filled 
with  the  dust  which  had  accumulated  therein,  during 
a  ten  hours'  nap  in  a  rail-car,  over  a  sandy  road,  with 
a  headwind,  it  might  be  supposed  that  his  facilities 
for  visual  observation  were  somewhat  abridged. 
TMs  did  not  prove,  however,  to  be  the  case,  for  with 
a  single  glance  of  this  encumbered  optic,  he  seemed 
to  take  in  the  character  of  the  singer,  and  to  make 
up  his  mind  instanter  that  he  was  a  good  fellow  and 
a  man  to  be  acquainted  with. 

Acting  promptly  upon  this  extemporaneous 
opinion,  he  held  out  his  hand  with  the  remark : 


102  AND  ^TOINS  IN  THE  CH0ETT8. 

"  I  don't  want  to  interfere  with  any  arrangements 
yon  have  made,  stranger,  but  here's  my  hand,  and 
my  name's  Wagstaff — let's  be  jolly." 

The  singer  had  by  this  time  got  to  the  chorus  of 
his  song,  and  although  he  took  the  extended  hand, 
his  only  immediate  reply  to  the  observations  of  one- 
eyed  Wagstaff,  was  "  too  ral  li,  tooral  li,  too  ral  li  la," 
which  he  repeated  with  an  extra  shake  on  the  last 
"  la,'^  before  he  condescended  to  answer.  And  even 
then  his  observation,  though  poetic,  was  not  particu- 
larly coherent  or  relevant.  It  was  couched  in  the 
following  language. 

"  Jolly  ?  yes,  we'll  be  jolly.  Old  King  Cole  was  a 
jolly  old  soul,  and  a  jolly  old  soul  was  he.  He 
called  for  his  pipe  and  he  called  for  his  bowl- 
wonder  if  he  got  it?  My  name  is  Dennis,  my 
mother's  maiden  name  was  Moore,  so  that  if  I'd 
been  born  before  she  married,  I'd  have  been  a  poet, 
which  I'm  sorry  to  say,  don't  think  it,  for  I  ain't. 
I'm  glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  Wagstaff,  and  as  you  say 
youWe  jolly,  and  propose  that  we  shall  all  be  jolly, 
perhaps  you'll  favor  me  by  coming  out  strong  on  the 
second  and  fourth  lines  of  this  chorus. 

"  I'll  do  my  little  utmost,"  said  Wagstaff. 

And  he  did  do  his  little  utmost  with  a  will,  and 
their  united  voices  croaked  up  again  the  first  man 


EFFORTS    OF 


103 


>^.»^''Wi^i«.<;4sa_ 


"with  the  steeple-crowned  hat,  who  hadn't  got  his 
eyes  fairly  opened  before  he  joined  in  the  chorus  too, 
and  he  gave  his  particular  attention  to  it,  and  put  in 
BO  many  unexpected  cadenzas  and  quavers  which 
the  composer  never  intended,  and  shakes  that  nobody 
else  could  put  in,  and  trills  that  his  companions' 
couldn't  keep  up  with,  that  he  fairly  astonished  his 
hearers.  And  he  didn't  stop  when  they  did,  but 
kept  singing  "  tooral  li  tooral,"  with  unprecedented 
variations,  and  wouldn't  hold  up  for  Dennis  to  sing 
the  verses,  and  wouldn't  wait  for  Wagstaff  to  take 
breath  ;  but  kept  right  on,  now  putting  a  long  shake 
on  "  tooral,"  now  an  unheard  of  trill  on  "  looral," 


104  AN  ENTHUSIASTIC  AMATETTE. 

now  coming  out  with  redoubled  force  on  the  final 
"  la,"  and  then  starting  off  again,  as  if  his  voice  had 
run  away  with  him  and  he  didn't  want  to  stop  it,  but 
was  going  to  sing  a  perpetual  chorus  of  unceasing 
''  toorals  "  and  never  ending  "  loorals." 

For  fifteen  minutes  his  harmony  was  allowed 
uninterrupted  progress,  but  at  length  "Wagstaff, 
putting  his  hand  over  his  mouth,  thereby  smother- 
ing, in  its  infancy,  a  strain  of  extraordinary  power, 
addressed  him  thus : 

"  I  don't  want  to  interfere  with  any  of  yom  little 
arrangements,  stranger,  but,  if  you  don't  stop  that 
noise,  I'll  knock  your  head  off.  What  do  you  mean 
by  intruding  your  music  upon  other  people's  music, 
and  thns  mixing  the  breed  ?  Don't  you  try  to  swal- 
low my  fist,  you  can't  digest  it." 

The  latter  part  of  this  address  was  called  forth  by 
the  frantic  efforts  of  the  unknown  amateur  to  get  his 
mouth  away  from  behind  Wagstaff's  hand,  which 
he  at  length  accomplished,  and  when  he  had 
recovered  his  breath  he  made  an  effort  to  speak. 
The  musical  fiend,  however,  had  got  too  strong  pos- 
session of  him  to  give  up  on  so  short  a  notice,  and 
he  was  unable  to  speak  more  than  ten  words  without 
introducing  another  touch  of  the  magical  chorus. 
The  address  with  which  he  first  favored  his  compa- 


A  NOISY  MAN,  105 

nions  ran  sometlimg  after  the  following  fashion 
and  sounded  as  if  he  might  have  been  the  identical 
Yilikins,  nnexpectedlj  recovered  from  the  effects  of 
the  "  cup  of  cold  pison,"  or  prematurely  resurrected 
from  the  "  same  grave,"  wherein  he  had  been 
disposed  by  the  "  cruel  parient "  by  the  side  of  the 
lamented  "  Dinah." 

"  My  friends,  don't  interrupt  the  concert — ^too  ral 
li,  too  ral  li,  too  ral  li  la.  I'll  explain  presently 
— ^with  a  too  ral  li,  too  ral  li,  too  ral  li  la.  I'm 
delighted  to  meet  you — allow  me  to  introduce 
myself— ral  li  la — •!  am  a  professional — loo  ral  li, 
loo  ral  li — man — ^ral  li  la — my  name  is  Moses  Over- 
dale — ^with  my  loo  ral  li,  loo  ral  li,  loo  ral  H  la." 

Here  he  stopped,  evidently  by  a  violent  exertion, 
and  shook  hands  with  each  of  the  others,  and 
afforded  such  a  view  of  his  personal  appearance  as 
satisfied  the  individual  of  the  solitary  optic,  and  his 
companion  of  the  vegetable  leg,  that  they  had 
fallen  in  with  another  original — added  to  the  fact, 
with  which  they  were  already  well  acquainted,  that 
he  had  a  powerful,  though  not  very  controllable 
voice.  Other  things  about  the  newly-discovered  per- 
son showed  him  to  be  a  man  far  above,  or  below, 
or,  at  least,  differing  from,  the  common  run  of  peo- 
ple one  meets  in  a  railroad-car.    His  face,  had  it 


106  THE   HAIKY   MAN   DESCKIBED. 

been  visible  to  the  naked  eye,  through  the  surround- 
ing thicket  of  hair,  might  have  passed  for  good-look- 
ing; but  the  hirsute  crop  which  flourished  about 
his  head  was  something  really  remarkable.  If  each 
hair  had  possessed  as  many  roots  as  a  scrub  oak 
sapling,  and  had  grown  the  wrong  way,  with  the 
roots  out,  there  couldn't  have  been  more  ;  or  if  each 
individual  hair  had  been  grafted  with  a  score  of 
thrifty  shoots,  and  each  of  them,  in  turn,  had  given 
off  a  multitude  of  sandy-colored  sprouts,  and  each 
separate  sprout  had  taken  an  unconquerable  aver- 
sion to  every  other  sprout,  and  was  striving  to 
grow  in  an  independent  direction  of  its  own,  there 
wouldn't  have  been  a  more  abundant  display  of 
hair,  growing  towards  a  greater  variety  of  hitherto 
unknown  points  of  compass.  It  was  so  long  that  it 
concealed  his  neck  and  shoulders,  and  you  could 
only  suppose  he  had  a  throat  from  the  certainty 
that  he  had  a  mouth.  And  even  the  mouth  was  in 
its  turn  ornamented  with  an  overhanging  moustache, 
of  a  subdued  rat-color,  which  also  was  long,  running 
down  the  corners  of  the  jaw,  and  joining  the  rest 
of  the  beard  on  the  neck  below.  A  shirt-collar, 
turned  down  over  his  coat,  was  dimly  visible  when- 
ever the  wind  was  strong  enough  to  lift  the  superin- 
cumbent hair. 


SONG  INTERRUPTED  BY   AN   ACCIDENT.  107 

Taking  into  account  tHe  physical  curtailments  of 
Overdale's  companions,  tlie  trio  consisted  of  about 
two  men  and  a  half. 

Dennis  now  proposed  that  they  should  go  on  with 
the  song,  he  volunteering  to  sing  the  verses,  and 
requesting  the  reinforcements  to  show  their  strength 
when  he  said,  "  Chorius " — the  mention  of  music 
excited  Overdale's  harmonic  devil  again,  and  he 
was  obliged  to  twist  his  neckerchief  until  he  was 
black  in  the  face,  to  choke  down  an  embryo,  "  too- 
ral,"  which  ran  to  his  lips  before  the  cue  came,  and 
seemed  to  insist  upon  an  immediate  and  stormy  exit ; 
by  dint  of  the  most  suffocating  exertions  he  suc- 
ceeded in  keeping  back  the  musical  torrent  until  the 
end  of  the  verse,  when  it  broke  forth  with  a 
vengeance. 

And  then  Wagstaff  struck  in,  and  Dennis  took  a 
long  breath,  and  he  struck  in ;  and  they  waked  up  a 
couple  of  children,  and  ^A^y  struck  in;  and  Dennis 
put  his  wooden  leg  on  the  tail  of  a  dog,  and  he 
struck  in ;  and  the  locomotive  put  on  the  final  touch, 
by  shrieking  with  a  frightful  yell,  as  if  it  had  boiled 
down  into  one,  the  squalls  of  eleven  hundred  freshly- 
spanked  babies. 

And  they  kept  on,  Dennis  singing,  in  a  masterly 
manner,  the  historical  part ;  the  charms  of  Dinah 


108  SONG  INTEEEUPTED  BY   AN   ACCIDENT. 

the  barbarity  of  the  cruel  par^'ent,  the  despair  of 
Yilikins,  the  death  and  burial  of  the  unfortunate 
"  lovjers,"  their  subsequent  ghastly  reappearance  to 
the  cruel  par^'ent,  and  his  final  remorse,  had  all  been 
related ;  the  "  chorus  of  tender  maidens  "  had  been 
pathetically  sung  by  the  musical  trio ;  the  "  chorus 
of  cruel  and  unnatural  par^ents,"  had  been  indig- 
nantly disposed  of;  the  "  chorus  of  pisoned  young 
women,"  had  been  spasmodically  executed :  the 
"  chorus  of  agonized  young  men,  with  an  awful  pain 
in  the  stummack,"  had  been  convulsively  performed ; 
the  "  chorus  of  cold  corpuses,"  had  been  sepulchrally 
consummated;  and  the  musical  enthusiasts  were  laying 
out  their  most  lugubrious  strength  on  the  "  conclud- 
ing dismal  chorus  of  gloomy  apparitions,"  when  the 
concert  was  interrupted  by  the  train  running  off  the 
track  and  pitching  a  part  of  the  passengers  into  a 
sand-bank  on  the  right,  throwing  the  remainder  into 
frog-pond  on  the  left,  and  gently  depositing  the 
engineer  on  a  brush  heap,  where  he  was  afterwards 
discovered  with  the  bell-rope  in  his  hand,  and  his 
legs  covered  up  by  the  smoke-pipe. 

It  was  soon  ascertained  that  no  very  serious 
damage  was  done,  beyond  the  demolition  of  the 
engine,  which  had  left  the  rail  without  cause  or  pro- 
vocation, and  was  now  lying  by  the  side  of  the  road 


EESULTS   OF  THE  ACCIDENT. 


109 


with  its  head  in  the  mud,  wrong  end  to,  bottom  side 
np,  roasting  itself  brown,  steaming  itself  yellow,  and 
smoking  itself  black,  like  an  insane  cooking-stove 
turned  out-doors  for  misbehavior. 

Overdale  got  out  of  the  sand  without  assistance, 
and,  save  a  black  eye,  and  a  peck  or  two  of  sand  and 
gravel  in  his  hair,  was  none  the  worse  for  the  acci- 
dent. Wagstaff  crawled  out  of  the  frog  pond,  look- 
ing as  dripping  and  juicy  as  a  he-mermaid;  while 
Dennis,  though  unconscious  of  any  painful  hurt,  had 
sustained  so  serious  a  fracture  of  his  wooden  leg,  that 
he  found  it  necessary  to  splice  it  with  an  ironwood 
sapling  before  he  could  navigate. 

It  being  discovered  that  the  danger  was  over,  and 
that  there  was  nothiDg  more  to  fear^  the  ladies,  as  in 


110  PREMEDITATED   FAINTING. 

duty  bound,  began  to  faint ;  one  old  lady  fainted,  and 
fell  near  the  engine ;  happening,  however,  to  sit  down 
in  a  puddle  of  hot  water,  she  got  up  quicker  than 
she  went  down ;  young  lady,  rather  pretty,  fainted 
and  fell  into  the  arms  of  four  or  five  gentlemen  who 
were  waiting  to  receive  her;  another  young  lady 
fainted,  and  didn't  fall  into  anybody's  arms,  being 
cross-eyed  and  having  a  wart  on  her  nose  ;  maiden 
lady,  ancient  and  fat,  got  near  a  good-looking  man 
with  a  big  moustache,  and  giving  notice  of  her 
intention  by  a  premonitory  squall,  shut  her  eyes,  and 
fell  towards  moustache ;  she  had  better,  however, 
have  kept  her  eyes  open,  for  moustache,  seeing  her 
coming,  and  making  a  hasty  estimate  of  her  prob- 
able weight,  stepped  aside,  and  the  gentle  creature 
landed  in  a  clump  of  Canada  thistles,  whence  she 
speedily  recovered  herself,  and  looked  fiery  indigna- 
tion at  moustache,  who  bore  it  like  a  martyr ;  young 
lady  in  pantalets  and  curls  tried  it,  but,  being  inex- 
perienced, and  not  having  taken  the  precaution  to 
pick  out  a  soft  place  to  fall,  in  case  there  didn't  any- 
body catch  her,  she  bumped  her  head  on  a  stone,  and 
got  up  with  a  black  eye  ;  jealous  married  lady,  see- 
ing her  husband  endeavoring  to  resuscitate  a  plump- 
looking  miss,  immediately  extemporized  a  faint  her- 
self, and  fell  directly  across  the  young  miss  aforesaid. 


Ill 


contriving  as  she  descended,  to  break  her  husband's 
spectacles  by  a  malicious  dig  with  her  elbow  ;  in  fact 
the  ladies  all  fainted  at  least  once  apiece,  and  those 
who  received  the  most  attention  had  an  extra  spasm  or 
two  before  their  final  recovery,  while  the  vicious  old 
maids  whom  nobody  cared  for,  invariably  fell  near 
the  best-looking  girls,  and  went  into  furious  convul- 
sions, so  that  they  could  kick  them  in  the  tender 
places  without  its  being  suspected  that  their  inten- 
tions were  not  honorable. 

During  this  characteristic  female  performance,  our 
musical  trio  had  not  been  idle.  Dennis  had  been 
busily  engaged  in  splicing  his  wooden  leg.  Wag- 
staff  had  seized  a  bucket  from  the  disabled  engine, 
and  nearly  drowned  three  or  four  unfortunate 
females  with  dirty  water  from  the  frog-pond.  Over- 
dale  was  attracted  to  the  side  of  a  blue-eyed  girl, 
who  had  swooned  in  a  clean  place,  behind  a  conceal- 
ing blackberry  bush,  and  he  had  rubbed  the  skin  off 
her  hands  in  his  benevolent  exertions  to  ."  bring  her 
to,"  and  had  meanwhile  liberally  peppered  her  face 
and  neck  with  gravel-stones  and  sand,  from  the  stock 
which  had  accumulated  in  his  hair  when  he  was  first' 
Ditched  into  the  sand-bank. 

Everybody    was    eventually    convalescent,    and 


112  THE    TRAIN   IN  MOTION. 

likely  to  recover  from  the  damage  which  nobody 
had  sustained;  the  gentlemen  had  repented  of  the 
prayers  which  they  had  not  said,  and  were  now 
swearing  ferociously  about  their  fractured  pocket- 
companions,  and  their  broken  cigars  ;  and  the  ladies 
were  regaling  each  other  with  multitudinous 
accounts  of  miraculous  escapes  from  the  horrible 
accidents  which  might  have  killed  everybody,  but 
hadn't  hurt  anybody.  Another  engine  was  sent  for, 
and  the  cars  ran  to  the  end  of  the  railroad,  seventy 
miles,  before  the  women  stopped  talking,  or  the  men 
got  anything  to  drink. 

The  musical  trio,  whose  united  chorus  had  been 
so  suddenly  interrupted,  met  at  the  bar  of  the 
nearest  tavern  for  the  first  time  since  the  run  off ; 
their  greeting  was  peculiar,  but  characteristic  ;  when 
they  came  in  sight  of  each  other,  they  didn't  speak 
a  word,  until  they  solemnly  joined  hands  and  finished 
the  "  too  ral  li  la,"  which  they  hadn't  had  the  leisure 
to  complete  at  the  time  of  their  sudden  separation. 
Overdale,  true  to  his  ruling  passion,  wouldn't  stop 
when  the  others  did,  but  was  going  on  with  an  extra 
"tooral  li,  looral  li,"  when  "Wagstaff  presented  a 
glass  of  strong  brandy  and  water  at  him ;  the  plan 
succeeded ;  he  stopped  in  the  midst  of  a  most  aston- 


THE  SONG  FINISHED.  113 

isHng  shake  on  the  first  "looral,"  and  merely 
remarking,  "  To  be  continued,"  he  yielded,  a  passive 
captive  to  the  fluid  conqueror. 

Subsequent  conversations  disclosed  their  future 
plans,  and  it  was  discovered  that  they  were  all 
journeying  to  the  same  place,  ITew  York  city;  and 
that  their  several  visits  had  one  common  object,  to 
see  the  mysteries  of  the  town.  An  agreement, 
which  I  overheard,  was  quickly  made,  that  they 
should  remain  together,  and  pursue,  in  company, 
their  investigations. 

They  proceeded  harmoniously  on  their  journey, 
singing  "  Yilikins  "  between  meals  every  day ;  and 
when  Overdale  couldn't  stop  in  the  chorus  at  the 
the  proper  time,  "Wagstaff  corked  him  up  with  a  corn- 
cob, which  he  carried  in  his  pocket  for  that  purpose. 

It  so  happened  that  I  continued  on  the  same 
trains  of  cars  with  this  interesting  trio  of  eccentrici- 
ties, until  we  took  the  steamboat  at  the  Dutch 
village,  where  the  State  Legislature  meets.  After 
the  last  verse  of  their  customary  evening  hymn  had 
been  sung,  with  a  strong  chorus,  as  they  were  about 
to  shelve  themselves  in  their  state-rooms  for  tlie 
night,  I  heferd  Overdale  remark  to  his  companions : 

"When  shall  we  three  meet  again?     In  timnder. 

lightning,  or — well,  no  matter  where.     Dennis,  vou 
8 


114  THE   BLACK   EYE. 

see  this  black  eye ;  I  have  to  make  this  particular 
request,  that  if  this  steamboat  blows  up  in  the  night, 
and  you  take  a  fancy  to  black  anybody's  eye,  you'll 
pick  out  somebody's  else,*' 

"  I  didn't  black  your  eye ;  what  do  you  mean  '^" 
Overdale  explained  thus :  "  I  could  a  tale  unfold, 
which  would — but  I  won't — I'll  tell  you  how 
it  happened,  nothing  extenuate  or  set  down  aught  in 
malice.  When  that  locomotive  ran  off  the  track, 
the  shock  threw  us  both,  as  you  are  aware,  about 
fifteen  feet  straight  up  in  the  air — as  I  was  going  up, 
you  were  coming  down,  and  you  were  practising 
some  kind  of  an  original  pigeon-wing  with  your 
wooden  leg,  and,  in  one  of  its  fantastic  gyrations,  it 
came  in  contact  with  my  visual  apparatus,  and 
damaged  my  personal  beauty  to  the  extent  you  see ; 
— don't  do  it  any  more,  that's  all,  my  friend,  don't 
do  it  any  more." 

Dennis  expressed  himself  exceedingly  sorry — 
"  Overdale,  my  hairy  friend,"  said  he,  "  at  the  par- 
ticular time  you  speak  of,  that  leg  was  not  under  my 
control,  and  I  am  not  accountable  for  the  misbeha- 
vior of  that  leg ;  but  I  solemnly  promise  that,  if  we 
are  blown  up  before  morning,  if  I  see  which  way 
you  go,  I  will  do  my  best  to  travel  in  a  different 
direction." 


1#l^ 


AITEMPTED  DEMONSTEATIONS.  115 

Each  of  US,  myself  included,  then  went  to  his 
state-room,  achieved  his  allotted  shelf,  rolled  him- 
self into  so  small  a  ball  that  the  narrow  blankets 
would, cover  him,  and  laid  in  feverish  restlessness, 
awaiting  that  morning  bell  which  should  summon 
him  to  disperse  himself  into'  his  pantaloons,  go  on 
deck,  and  catch  the  first  glimpse  of  smoky  Gotham, 
the  home  of  the  undiluted  elephant." 

"Hooror  for  Johnny,"  said  Mr.  Spout,  as  he 
rushed  towards  that  individual  to  offer  his  congratu- 
lations. The  other  members  followed  suit,  and 
Johnny,  anticipating  that  he  would  be  favored  with 
a  bear-like  hug,  more  boisterous  than  pleasant, 
unless  he  acted  promptly  to  prevent  such  a  consum- 
mation, ran  into  one  corner,  squared  off,  and  threat- 
ened to  show  an  immoderate  pugnacity,  if  they 
made  any  immoderate  demonstrations  of  fraternal 
affection.  The  language  and  action  of  Johnny  had 
the  effect  to  check  the  enthusiasm  of  his  friends,  and 
they  resumed  their  places.  Johnny  then  came  out, 
and  made  a  peremptory  demand  of  Mr.  Spout  that 
he  telegraph  to  the  saloon  below  for  a  lemonade  for 
his  (Johnny's)  private  consumption.  Mr.  Spout  an- 
nounced the  impossibility  of  acceding  to  Johnny's 
demand,  as  there  had  been  no  signal  agreed  upon 
which  should  indicate  to  the  individual  below  that  a 


116 


lemonade  was  wanted.  Jolinny  said  that  lie  could 
not  hold  Mr.  Spout  to  a  strict  accountability  on  that 
occasion,  but  if  he  did  not  arrange  a  signal  to  indi- 
cate his  future  wants,  he  should  proceed  to  expel 
Mr.  Spout  from  the  club.  Under  existing  circum- 
stances, he  should  go  down  below  and  order  person- 
ally a  strong  lemonade,  to  be  made  of  considerable 
lomon,  some  sugar,  and  a  good  deal  of  water.  Johnny 
disappeared  through  the  door.  He  had  been  gone 
three  minutes,  by  Quackenbush's  bull's-eye  silver 
watch,  which  he  says  keeps  excellent  time  as  long  as 
he  hires  a  boy  to  move  the  balance-wheel,  when  the 
Higholdboy  arose,  and  proposed  "  The  health  of  the 
Elephant — may  his  shadow  never  be  less,"  which  was 
to  be  drunk  in  silence,  standing.  All  the  members 
had  assumed  an  erect  position,  required  for  the  per- 
formance of  this  imposing  ceremony,  when  a  yell  of 
such  prodigious  dimensions,  entitling  it  to  be  called 
a  roar,  followed  by  a  most  extraordinary  clattering 
outside  the  door,  as  of  three  persons  trying  to  ascend 
abreast  a  flight  of  stairs  only  wide  enough  for  one, 
and  quarrelling  about  the  precedence,  and  in  the 
intervals  of  their  emphatic  remarks  to  each  other 
littering  cries  of  exultant  triumph,  as  if  they  had 
made  some  long-sought  discovery,  suddenly  petrified 
the  various  members  into  flesh  and  blood  statues 


ATTACK  ON  THE  DEK". 


117 


with  breeclies  on,  and  mouths  open.  ITot  long, 
however,  did  they  remain  thus  inactive,  for  a  mighty 
rush  from  the  outside  carried  the  doOr  from  its 
hinges,  knocked  Mr.  Quackenbush,  the  stalwart 
guardian  of  the  portal,  into  a  far  corner  of  the  room, 
and  disclosed  to  the  astonished  gaze  of  the  assembled 
Elephantines,  the  forms  of  three  individuals,  to  them 
unknown.  The  action  of  the  Higholdboy,  who  first 
recovered  his  senses  and  his  presence  of  mind,  is 
worthy  of  remembrance.     Keeping  both  eyes  fixed 


118  THE   CONFLICT. 

upon  one  of  the  intruders,  he  deliberately  drank  the 
contents  of  his  tumbler,  and  then,  taking  a  cool  aim, 
he  threw  the  glass-ware  at  him.  This  act  of  the 
Higholdboy  was  regarded  as  an  announcement,  by 
implication,  that  crockery  and  glass-ware  could  be 
used  on  the  present  occasion  offensively,  and  accord- 
ingly the  other  members  followed  the  example  of 
their  chief.  For  a  few  minutes  the  destruction  of 
property  was  great,  and  the  more  so,  as,  whenever  a 
tumbler,  plate,  bottle,  or  any  other  similar  missile 
fell  to  the  floor  unfractured,  one  of  the  three  intrud- 
ing parties  would  stamp  on  it  with  one  of  his  feet, 
and  pulverize  it  instanter.  When  the  crockery  was 
all  disposed  of,  the  assault  was  renewed  with  lemons, 
crackers,  bologna  sausages,  and  whatever  projectiles 
remained,  and  the  chairs  and  tables  would  have 
undoubtedly  followed  suit,  had  not  the  precaution 
previously  taken,  of  chaining  them  up,  precluded  the 
possibility  of  their  being  used  for  this  purpose.  The 
result  of  this  peculiar  reception  of  the  intruding  par- 
ties was  the  temporary  demolition  of  one,  who  had 
been  hit  over  the  head  with  the  lemon-squeezer,  and 
knocked  down  in  the  corner  behind  the  chair  of  the 
Higholdboy.  The  second  person  had  rolled  himself 
up  in  a  heap  as  well  as  he  could,  drew  his  head  into 
his  coat,  and  seemed  resigned  to  whatever  might  be 


THE    INVADERS    DEFEATED.  119 

his  fate.  The  third,  however,  made  no  resistance 
whatever,  but  rushed  into  one  corner,  turned  his  face 
to  the  wall,  in  which  position  he  sustained  for  five 
minutes  a  brilliant  cannonade  of  lemons,  Boston 
crackers,  with  an  occasional  bomb  in  the  shape  of  a 
nut-cracker  and  doughnut,  for  which  affectionate 
tokens  of  respect  he  was  indebted  to  the  kindness  of 
Yan  Dam,  who  bestowed  upon  him  his  undivided 
attention. 

At  the  moment  when  the  utter  defeat  of  the  inva- 
ders was  shown  to  be  a  fixed  fact,  Johnny  Cake 
reentered  the  room.  He  saw  the  confusion  which 
was  everywhere  apparent,  and  his  first  inquiry  was 
as  to  the  cause.  Before  he  had  been  answered  his 
eyes  caught  a  sight  of  the  party  in  the  corner,  who 
had  ventured  to  turn  his  face  around. 

"  Here,"  said  Johnny,  "  you've  got  one  of  my  rail- 
road party,  whose  adventures  I  have  detailed  to  you 
this  evening." 

"The  devil!"  said  Spout. 

"  How  unfortunate !"  remarked  Quackenbush. 
"Are  you  seriously  injured?"  asked  Yan  Dam  of 
the  man  in  the  corner,  who  was  no  other  than  Over- 
dale. 

"  E^ary  time,"  was  Overdale's  response.  "  But 
where's  Dennis  ?"  he  asked. 


120  THE   TWO   INTKODUCED. 

"  Here,"  said  Dennis,  as  a  head  was  seen  to  pro- 
trude from  itself  a  coat-collar,  like  a  tormented  turtle 
from  its  shell,  and,  after  some  scrambling,  Mr. 
Damon  Dennis  was  erect  and  experimenting  with  his 
wooden  leg,  with  the  view  of  ascertaining  whether 
it  had  suffered  another  fracture  since  the  railroad 
experience. 

Wagstaff  also  essayed  forth  from  behind  the 
capacious  seat  of  the  presiding  dignitary  of  the  club, 
and,  after  shaking  the  wrinkles  out  of  himself,  was 
once  more  himself. 

Johnny  Cake  here  introduced  himself  to  the  par- 
ties. They  remembered  him  as  having  been  one  of 
the  audience  which  listened  to  their  free  and  easy 
concerts  whilst  travelling.  They  were  then  succes- 
sively introduced  to  the  different  members  of  the 
club,  all  of  whom  expressed  their  regrets  at  having 
received  them  in  so  informal  a  manner,  whilst  Dennis, 
Overdale,  and  Wagstaff,  protested  that  the  apologies 
were  useless,  as  they  should  not  have  made  such  an 
informal  call.  Mr.  Spout  again  operated  the  tele- 
graph for  all  parties,  and  when  they  were  once  more 
seated,  Johnny  Cake  called  on  their  uninvited  guests 
for  an  explanation  as  to  how  they  had  found  out 
their  location.  The  statement  was  given  by  all  three 
of  the,  parties  in  disconnected  sentences,  sometimes 


FIRST    EXPERIENCE  IN   GOTHAM.  121 

one  talking,  and  sometimes  all.  The  narrations 
occupied  about  an  hour  in  their  delivery,  and  were 
replete  with  interest,  but  too  long  to  be  incorporated 
verbatim  into  these  veracious  records.  The  facts 
disclosed,  however,  were  substantially  these  : 

After  leaving  the  steamboat,  they  made  their  way 
to  the  Shanghae  Hotel,  without  loss  of  life  or  further 
limb.  Each  had  his  carpet-bag  in  bis  band,  and 
having  made  a  demonstration  towards  the  hall-door, 
the  attendants  came  out  to  relieve  them  of  their 
loads.  Unused  as  they  were  to  a  reception  of  this 
kind,  their  greeting  was  rather  peculiar  than  other- 
wise. Overdale  put  his  hands  on  his  pockets,  and 
told  his  gentleman  to  clear  out.  "Wagstaff,  with 
great  presence  of  mind,  knocked  his  down  instanter. 
Dennis  started  to  run,  but  finding  his  wooden  leg 
impeded  his  speed,  sat  flat  down  on  the  sidewalk 
and  called  for  a. constable.  Being  eventually  satis- 
fied that  the  intentions  of  the  individuals  were  hon- 
orable, they  went  into  the  house  and  placed  their 
names  on  the  register ;  Overdale,  who  did  not  under- 
stand this  last  performance,  expressing  his  surprise 
that  they  should  be  required  to  sign  a  note  for  their 
board  as  soon  as  they  came  into  the  house.  They 
were  shown  to  separate  rooms,  and  each  proceeded 
to  make  himself  as  comfortable  as  his  limited  know- 


122  VARIOUS    BLUNDERS. 

ledge  of  the  uses  of  tlie  bedroom  furniture  would 
admit,  preparatory  to  making  his  appearance  in  the 
dining-room.  They  were  all  shown  this  latter  part 
of  the  establishment,  after  they  had  visited,  arm-in- 
arm, the  barber's  shop,  the  ladies'  parlor,  and  the 
hat-shop  next  door,  in  their  vain  search  for  some- 
thing to  eat. 

As  they  entered  the  room,  and  the  head  waiter 
approached,  for  the  purpose  of  showing  them  some 
seats,  Overdale  took  his  arm,  and,  having  marched 
the  whole  length  of  the  room,  was  finally  seated  at 
one  end  of  the  table,  while  his  two  companions  were 
accommodated  with  chairs  immediately  opposite. 
Their  exploits  at  their  first  dinner  in  the  city  were 
many — being  all  of  them  ignorant  of  napkins,  and 
innocent  of  silver  forks,  their  performances  with  those 
unknown  articles  were  something  out  of  the  com- 
mon order. 

Having  recovered  from  their  first  impression,  that 
the  bills  of  fare  were  religious  tracts,  left  for  the, 
spiritual  improvemenit  of  the  boarders,  by  the 
Moral  Reform  Society,  and  having  ascertained  that 
they  were  in  some  way  connected  with  the  science 
of  gastronomy,  they  proceeded  to  call  for  whatever 
they  imagined  would  suit  their  palates.  "Wagstaff 
began  with  tarts,  then  taking  a  fancy  to  a  jelly,  he 


AT    THE    DINNER   TABLE.  123 

reached  for  tliem,  and  devoured  them  all,  seventeen 
in  number ;  and  concluded  his  dinner  by  eating  a 
shad  without  picking  out  the  bones. 

Dennis,  had  somewhere  heard  of  ice  cream,  for 
which  frigid  monstrosity  he  immediately  called ; 
when  it  came,  not  knowing  exactly  how  to  dispose 
of  it,  and  perceiving  that  other  people  made  use  of 
the  bottles  from  the  caster-stand,  he  concluded  that 
it  would  be  proper  to  season  his  cream  in  like  man- 
ner. He  began  with  the  pepper,  followed  it  with 
vinegar,  kept  on  to  the  Cayenne,  added  a  good 
quantity  of  oil,  drowned  it  with  ketchup,  and  then 
with  unusual  impartiality,  not  wishing  to  neglect  any 
of  the  bottles,  he  poured  Worcestershire  sauce  over 
the  whole.  He  eat  it  with  the  mustard-spoon  and 
pronounced  it  excellent. 

Overdale  seeing  a  gentleman,  on  leaving  the  table, 
throw  down  his  napkin,  called  to  him  across  the 
room  that  he  had  dropped  his  handkerchief,  and 
then  with  the  consciousness  of  having  done  a  neigh- 
borly turn,  he  proceeded  to  eat  his  dinner.  He 
studied  for  some  time  over  his  own  napkin,  but  even- 
tually concluded  that  it  would  be  proper  to  put  it  in 
his  chair,  so  that  he  would  not  soil  the  cushion,  and 
accordingly  disposed  of  it  in  that  manner,  and  sat 
down  uDon  it  with  great  care,  for  fear  he  should  tear 


124:  BLUNDERS 

i  t.  He  then  opened  his  bill  of  fare  at  the  wine-list, 
and  after  puzzling  for  some  time  over  the  names,  put 
his  finger  in  the  middle,  and  told  the  waiter  he 
would  "  have  some  of  that."  The  servant  perceiv- 
ing how  matters  stood,  and  having  compassion  on 
his  queer  customer,  brought  him  some  soup.  He  at 
once  set  to  work  to  eat  it  with  his  fork,  in  which 
attempt  he  scalded  both  his  mouth  and  his  fingers, 
whereupon  he  drank  the  water  in  his  finger-bowl 
to  cool  his  mouth,  and  wiped  his  fingers  in  his  hair 
to  reduce  their  temperature.  The  considerate  waiter 
came  once  more  to  the  rescue,  and  brought  him  some 
beef,  and  also  performed  the  same  kindness  for 
Dennis,  and  probably  saved  him  from  absolute  star- 
vation. But  Overdale,  never  remarkable  for  strict 
temperance,  looked  for  something  to  drink,  and  per- 
ceiving nothing  that  looked  juicy,  save  the  bottles  in. 
the  castor-stand,  he  took  out  one  of  them,  and  having 
filled  an  e.i]:g-cup  with  the  contents  thereof,  drank 
it  down.  As  it  was  salad  oil,  he  did  not  feel  disposed 
to  repeat  the  experiment.  Having  cleaned  his  nails 
with  a  nut-pick,  and  pared  an  apple  with  a  fish-slice, 
he  concluded  his  performances  by  putting  half  a 
dozen  fried  oysters  in  his  pocket  and  leaving  the  table. 
At  night  they  went  immediately  to  bed,  only  find- 
ing their  own  rooms  after  poking  their  heads  into 


IN   THE   BED-KOOM.  125 

every  other  apartment  on  the  same  floor,  and  even- 
tually securing  the  services  of  the  chambermaid  as  a 
guide. 

Overdale  having  got  this  lady  to  light  his  gas,  was 
not  able  to  get  to  bed  without  doing  something  farthei 
extraordinary,  so  wishing  to  open  his  window,  he 
called  a  boy  to  his  door  twenty-seven  times,  by  pull- 
ing at  the  bell-rope,  which  he  imagined  to  be  con- 
nected, in  some  inexplicable  manner,  with  the  sash. 
He  was  at  last  ready  to  go  to  sleep,  when  he  blew 
out  his  gas,  and  laid  down  on  the  carpet,  covering 
himself  with  the  hearth-rug,  fearing  to  get  into  the 
bed  lest  he  should  rumple  the  sheets.  He  woke  up 
subsequently,  and  yelled  for  a  waiter.  One  happen- 
ed to  be  passing  in  the  hall  at  that  moment,  and 
answered  his  call.  Overdale  asked  where  the  tavern- 
keeper  was,  as  he  wanted  too  see  him.  He  didn't 
want  to  be  imposed  upon,  if  he  was  from  the  coun- 
try, and  considered  it  a  huge  imposition  to  put  a 
man  into  a  room  which  was  right  over  an  asafcetida 
factory.  The  waiter  comprehended  the  nature  of  Mr. 
Overdale's  difficulty,  and  explained  to  him  the  nature 
of  carburetted  hydrogen,  and  the  mistake  that  he 
had  made  in  blowing  out  the  light,  instead  of  turn- 
ing off  the  gas.  Mr.  Overdale  thanked  the  waiter  for 
his  valuable  information,  and  after  waiting  for  the 


126  CURIOUS  COINCIDENT. 

room  to  be  well  ventilated,  he  retired  to  rest — this 
time,  however,  in  the  bed,  the  waiter  having  kindly 
explained  to  him  that  the  bed-clothing  was  nicely 
adjusted  for  the  express  purpose  of  being  rumpled  up, 
in  order  to  give  employment  to  a  useful  class  of  the 
community  known  as  chambermaids. 

In  the  morning,  by  one  of  those  curious  coinci- 
dences which  we  know  do  happen,  but  for  which  we 
cannot  account,  our  three  rural  friends  found  them- 
selves, at  precisely  eight  o'clock,  in  the  bar-room, 
before  the  bar,  and  calling  upon  the  major  for  some- 
thing to  drink.  Each  drank,  after  which  they  went 
in  to  breakfast 

The  bill  of  fare  not  being  so  complicated  as  the 
one  on  the  dinner-table  the  day  previous,  and  being 
printed  in  good  readable  English,  they  had  no  diffi- 
culty in  procuring  breakfast  entirely  to  their  satisfac- 
tion. After  arising,  and  supplying  themselves  with 
cigars,  they  started  out  on  an  exploring  expedition 
through  the  city. 

Overdale,  having  read  a  good  deal  about  the  vari- 
ous "  lions  "  of  the  town,  assumed  to  know  all  about 
it,  and  therefore  Dennis  and  Wagstaff  acquiesced  in 
his  taking  the  lead ;  "Wagstaff  taking  notes  of  every- 
thing for  the  benefit  of  his  children  when  he  returned 
home. 


AN    INTELLIGENT  127 

They  strayed  into  Taylor's  salcTon,  which  Overdale 
informed  them  was  the  Crystal  Palace.  Gurney's 
Daguerreotype  Gallery  he  stated  was  the  American 
Art  Union.  The  three  then  took  the  cars  on  the 
comer  of  Canal  street  and  Broadway,  Overdale 
remarking  that  he  hoped  all  their  lives  were  insured, 
as  they  were  now  on  the  Camden  and  Amboy  Rail- 
road. Dennis  hoped  they  would  run  off  the  track 
in  such  a  way  that  his  wooden  leg  would  be  again 
broken.  He  would  then  retire  for  a  few  weeks, 
swear  that  he  had  lost  a  leg  by  the  accident,  sue  the 
company  for  fifty  thousand  dollars  damages,  compro- 
mise by  accepting  ten  thousand,  and  then  go  to 
Kansas  and  set  up  a  faro  bank.  As  they  passed  the 
Jefferson  Market  fire- alarm  bell- tower,  Overdale 
Baid  it  was  a  shot  tower,  erected  in  revolutionary 
times.  They  then  arrived  at  the  real  Crystal  Palace, 
which  Overdale  declared  answered  to  the  descrip- 
tions he  had  read  of  Fulton  Market.  The  submarine 
armor  which  was  on  exhibition,  he  explained  was  a 
flying  machine.  The  statue  of  the  Amazon  was 
noted  down  in  Wagstaff 's  book,  upbn  the  authority 
of  Overdale,  as  a  cast-iron  black  foot  squaw,  on  a 
prairie  mustang.  The  fountain  was  announced  to  be 
a  patent  frog-pond.  After  writing  down  an  accurate 
description  of  the  fire-engines  and  hose-carts  (the 


128  INFOEMANT. 

first  of  which  Overdale  supposed  to  be  perpetual 
self-acting  locomotives,  and  the  second  a  newly- 
invented  threshing  machine),  Wagstaff  proposed 
they  should  leave.  The  Croton  Reservoir,  Overdale 
stated  was  the  gas-works.  They  then  ascended  the 
Latting  Observatory,  which  their  intelligent  infor- 
mant assured  them  was  Trinity  Church.  From  the 
altitude  they  here  attained,  they  were  favored  with 
a  view  of  a  large  extent  of  country.  Overdale 
called  the  attention  of  his  companions  to  the  High 
Bridge  over  the  Harlem  river,  of  which  they  had  an 
excellent  view.  He  said  that  it  was  one  of  the  few 
gigantic  relics  of  the  architecture  of  the  Norsemen, 
whom  he  stated  populated  this  country  ten  centuries 
before  Colugabus  sculled  over  here  in  a  scow-boat. 
This  was  the  same  bridge,  he  further  remarked,  which 
Edgar  A.  Hood,  a  historian,  and  an  intimate  friend 
of  Nicholas  Galileo,  a  poet  of  the  sixteenth  century, 
had  spoken  of  as  a  "  bridge  of  size."  Mr.  Overdale 
stated  that  the  squadron  of  pleasure-yachts  anchored 
at  Hoboken  were  a  number  of  clam-sloops,  which  had 
probably  been  abandoned  by  their  owners,  because 
they  were  old  and  unseaworthy.  Jersey  City,  he 
was  inclined  to  believe,  from  its  general  description 
and  situation,  was  the  Sixth  Ward,  which  he  further 
stated  was  in  the  centre  of  the  Five  Points.    The 


V2{) 

Penitentiary  on  Blackwell's  Island,  of  wliicli  they 
had  an  excellent  view,  he  informed  them  was  the 
City  Hall — the  regular  resort  of  the  Common  Scoun- 
drels of  the  city.  When  they  left  the  Observatory 
they  strayed  over  into  Avenue  D,  which,  upon  the 
word  of  the  intelligent  Overdale,  Wagstaff  described 
in  his  book  as  the  Bowery.  After  mistaking  the 
Dry  Dock  for  the  Battery,  and  a  Williamsburg  ferry 
boat  for  a  Collins  steamer,  they  continued  to  wander 
about,  making  divers  mistakes,  all  of  which  were 
faithfully  noted  down  as  facts  in  Wagstaff's  note- 
book. At  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening,  they  found 
themselves  in  the  Franklin  Museum,  whither  they 
had  gone  on  Overdale's  invitation,  to  visit  the  Free 
Love  Club.  When  the  performance  w^as  over  they 
sallied  out,  and  fetched  up  in  a  German  lager-bier 
saloon  in  William  street,  where  the  assembled  Teu- 
tons were  singing  their  national  airs.  For  a  moment 
Overdale  was  in  doubt,  but,  after  two  minutes' 
thought,  he  informed  his  friends  that  they  were  in 
the  Academy  of  Music,  listening  to  an  Italian  Opera. 
When  they  left  they  were  full  of  music,  they  having 
caught  the  inspiration  from  being  in  the  presence  of 
foreign  artists,  and  immediately  commenced  to  sing 
once  more  "  Yilikins  and  his  Dinah,"  with  a  strong 
chorius,  but  were  almost  immediately  choked  down 


130  THE  elp:phant  seen 

by  the  police.  They  wandered  about  disconsolate; 
inquiring  frequently  of  some  hurrying  passer-by 
where  tliey  could  find  the  elephant,  and  receiving  in 
reply  to  their  interrogations  a  great  variety  of  direc- 
tions as  to  his  whereabouts,  from  disinterested  per- 
sons, all  of  which  they  noted  down  for  reference. 
They  searched  an  hour  and  a  half  for  "  my  uncle, 
in  the  second  story  of  the  Fifth  Avenue  Eailroad," 
which  individual,  they  had  been  informed,  could  give 
them  the  desired  information ;  they  walked  about 
four  miles  in  search  of  "  No.  1  'round  the  corner,'' 
at  which  place  tlie}^  liad  been  assured,  by  a  venerable 
female  of  Milesian  accent  who  sold  pea-nuts  on  the 
curb-stone,  they  would  undoubtedly  find  the  wished- 
for  quadruped  on  exhibition.  In  the  course  of  this 
latter  search,  as  they  were  about  to  venture  into  a 
promising-looking  saloon,  for  the  purpose  of  procur- 
ing something  to  allay  their  thirst,  Wagstaff  caught  a 
glimpse  of  the  miniature  elephant  which  was  over 
the  door  of  the  club-room;  and  imagining  that  he 
had  discovered  the  veritable  animal,  he  uttered  a 
cry  of  joy  which  attracted  his  companions  to  the 
same  object,  upon  which  they  made  a  grand  rush  up 
the  flight  of  stairs.  Where  they  got  to,  and  how 
they  were  received,  is  already  told. 
When  the  narrative  had  been  concluded,  Mr.  John 


MEMBERS   INITIATED.  13 

Spout,  the  Higholdboy  of  the  club,  declared  in 
solemn  terms,  that,  by  virtue  of  his  office,  the  three 
persons  whose  adventures  had  just  been  related  by 
themselves  should  be  henceforth  considered  mem- 
bers of  the  Elephantine  order.  He  added  that  any 
member  might  object  if  he  chose,  but  it  wouldn't  do 
him  any  good,  as  he  should  immediately  overrule 
the  objection,  and  kick  the  daring  objector  down 
stairs. 

This  persuasive  manner  of  addressing  the  members 
had  the  desired  effect.  They  were  convinced  by  the 
gentle  logic  of  their  dignified  superior  officer,  and 
they  could  not  have  the  heart  to  oppose  him  had 
they  felt  so  inclined. 

Messrs.  "VVagstaff,  Overdale,  and  Dennis,  who 
were  thus  so  summarily  promoted,  were  solemnly 
sworn  in  on  a  boiled  ham,  after  which  all  hands 
joined  in  singing,  "  We  won't  go  home  till  morn- 
ing." It  may  be  j^oper  to  add,  in  respect  to  this 
last  musical  asseveration,  and  as  a  deserved  tribute  to 
the  veracity  of  the  persons  concerned,  that  when  they 
said  they  wouldn't  go  home  till  morning,  tJiey  didnH, 


€^t  (Cnlnrieii  (Cnmf-ainiitig 


There  is  a  divinijy  that 
Rough 


shapes  our  ends, 


evening  or  two 
after  the  facts  related 
in  the  last  chapter 
of  this  veritable  and 
never  -  to  -  be  -  believed 
history,  the  members 
of  the  club  were  seat- 
ed in  silent  deliberation  round  their  table,  each  man 
smoking  a  short  pipe  by  a  special  order  of  the  coun- 
cil ;  an  unusual  commotion  was  noticed  at  the  end 
of  the  table  where  John  Spout  was  supposed  to  be 
anchored.  First  the  smoke,  which  had  settled,  in  a 
thick,  hazy  layer,  upon  everything,  and  concealed  the 
members  from  each  other,  as  if  they  had  mutually 


A  DENSE   SMOKE.  133 

pulled  the  wool  over  each  other's  eyes  untjl  all  were 
for  a  time  invisible,  was  observed  to  wave  to  and  fro, 
as  if  agitated  by  some  powerfully  moving  cause, 
concealed  from  the  observers  by  the  fragrant  tobacco 
fog  which  had  been  raised  by  the  joint  exertions  of 
the  assembled  multitude.  A  few  minutes  more  dis- 
closed the  arm  of  John  Spout,  working  like  an  insane 
windmill,  backwards  and  forwards,  to  open  a  clear 
space,  and  make  himself  visible  to  the  naked  eye. 

After  the  lapse  of  some  little  time,  and  the  expen- 
ditui'e  of  no  small  amount  of  muscular  power  in  this 
interesting  exercise,  the  ruddy  beef-face  of  the  Iligh- 
oldboy  beamed  forth  from  the  encircling  mist,  like  a 
good-natured  light-house,  which  had  been  on  a  spree 
the  night  before,  and  got  up  with  a  red  nose,  in  con- 
sequence of  the  nocturnal  dissipation.  As  soon  as 
he  had  cleared  a  space  about  him  large  enough  for 
him  to  speak  without  danger  of  suffocation,  he 
announced  that  he  had  a  proposition  to  lay  before 
the  honorable  body,  and  proceeded  to  state  that  he 
had  observed  in  a  morning  paper  an  advertisement 
of  a  camp-meeting,  to  be  held  at  a  distance  from  the 
city  easily  accessible,  by  a  2^40'''  team,  in  a  couple 
of  hours.  He,  moreover,  went  on  to  say,  that  the 
presiding  officers  of  the  gospel-hunt  were  to  be  of  a 
sable  complexion,  and  that  the  greater  part  of  the 


13^  RESOLUTIONS. 

congregation  was  expected  to  be  of  the  same  color-— 
in  fact,  it  was  to  be  what  a  Bowery  boy  would,  in 
his  peculiar,  but  not  inexpressive  dialect,  call  a 
"  ISTigger  Methodist  Camp  Meeting."  The  proposi- 
tion of  the  pious  Mr.  Spout  was  that  the  Elephants 
should  pack  their  pockets,  and  proceed  to  the  scene 
of  action,  for  the  ^purpose  of  picking  up  any  super- 
fluous piety  that  might  be  lying  around  loose,  and 
of  making  themselves  generally  agreeable,  and  hav- 
ing a  good  time  all  round. 

The  suggestion  was  listened  to  with  approval,  and 
it  was  unanimously  , 

Resolved^  that  the  Elephants  proceed  to  the  camp- " 
ground  in  the  morning. 

A  special  committee,  consisting  of  the  entire  club, 
was  appointed  to  see  that  every  person  was  provided 
with  all  the  necessaries  of  life*,  and  the  requisites  for 
having  a  juicy  time. 

In  consideration  of  his  being  the  mover  of  the 
scheme,  it  was  moved  that  J.  Spout,  Esq.,  should  be 
empowered  to  procure  from  the  livery-stable  the 
necessary  conveyances,  and  should  become  person- 
ally responsible  for  the  same. 

The  proposition  was  agreed  to,  with  a  clause  to 
the  effect  that  when  he  paid  the  bill  he  should  treat 
the  company  with  the  change. 


PKEPAEATIONS.  135 

Each  man  then  appointed  every  other  man  a  com- 
mittee to  raise  the  means,  and  keep  himself  sober 
until  the  appointed  honr,  after  whicli  they  adjourned 
to  prepare. 

At  eight,  by  the  City  Hall  clock  (and,  of  course, 
lialf-past  eight  by  every  other  clock  in  the  city)  next 
morning,  the  convention  was  incomplete. 

For  an  hour  there  were  three  men  lacking ;  but 
Mr.  John  I.  Cake  finally  made  his  appearance, 
with  his  breeches  tucked  into  his  boots,  a  horsewhip 
in  his  hand,  and  a  suspicious-looking  protuberance 
immediately  over  his  left  coat  pocket.  The  attention 
of  the  company  being  called  to  this,  Johnny  explained 
by  saying  that  it  was  his  Testament  and  hymn-book, 
and  that  he  had  been  all  the  morning  engaged  in 
turning  down  the  leaves  at  the  proper  places,  so  that 
he  might  not  be  interrupted  in  his  devotions.  A 
half  hour  longer  was  appropriated  in  waiting  for 
Wagstaff  and  Overdale,  but  at  the  end  of  that  time, 
tliose  two  worthies  failing  to  appear,  the  party 
resolved  to  start  without  them,  Boggs  remarking, 
that  if  those  tardy  individuals  failed  to  reach  Heaven 
because  of  their  religious  shortcomings,  they  could 
not  say,  in  extenuation  of  their  offence,  that  their 
fraternal  Elephants  had  not  waited  a  sufficient  time 
to  give  them  an  opportunity  for  salvation. 


136  THE   JOUKNEY. 

The  vehicles  provided  for  the  occasion  were  two 
single  buggies,  into  vs^hich  all  seven  of  the  party  were 
to  pack  themselves,  a  feat  which  was  finally  accom- 
plished, much  to  the  detriment  of  Johnny  Cake's 
shirt-collar,  and  greatly  to  the  discomfiture  of 
Quackenbnsh,  who  had  to  sit  in  behind,  and  let  his 
legs  hang  over. 

Yan  Dam  took  the  reins  of  the  foremost  carriage, 
and  his  first  exploit  was  to  run  the  wheel  against  the 
curbstone,  and  spill  the  party  into  a  coal-hole,  from 
which  they  were  rescued  by  the  exertions  of  the 
bystanders.  They  once  more  started  on  their  jour- 
ne}^,  under  the  supervision  of  Quackenbnsh,  who 
was  recalled  from  the  stern  of  the  craft,  and  made  to 
assume  the  guidance  of  the  crazy  horse. 

Yan  Dam,  on  being  deprived  of  his  charge,  imme- 
diately went  to  sleep,  and  waked  no  more,  except 
when  his  companions  roused  him  to  pay  the  toll, 
which  they  did  at  every  gate,  until  there  was  no 
more  small  change  in  his  pockets  than  there  is  gun- 
powder in  a  tom-cat,  after  which  they  offered  to  pay 
every  time  with  a  twenty-dollar  bill,  and  as  no  one 
would  assume  the  responsibility  of  changing  it,  they 
passed  free,  and  proceeded  merrily  enough  until  they 
reached  the  encampment  of  the  devout  darkeys. 

There  being  no  taverns  immediately  adjoining,  tho 


THE   CAMP-MEETING.  137 

horses  were  made  as  comfortable  as  circumstances 
would  admit  of,  under  a  beech- tree,  in  a  clover-field, 
and  the  human  part  of  the  Elephantine  delegation 
marched  in  an  exceedingly  irregular  procession  to 
the  camp  ground  ;  the  line  of  march  being  occasion- 
ally thrown  into  disorder  by  John  Spout,  who  per- 
sisted in  making  protracted  and  strenuous  efforts  to 
squeeze  something  wet  out  of  a  Schiedam  schnapps 
bottle,  which  had  been  dry  as  a  powder-horn  ever 
since  Quackenbush  had  his  last  pull  at  it. 

A  description  of  the  sylvan  scene  which  met  their 
metropolitan  gaze  may  not  be  out  of  place. 

It  was  in  a  clearing,  in  a  piece  of  beech  and  maple 
woods.  Stands  were  erected  for  some  of  the  promi- 
nent speakers  ;  slabs  were  laid  from  stump  to  stump, 
for  the  accommodation  of  such  of  the  brothers  and 
sisters  as  desired  to  sit  still  and  listen  to  the  preach- 
ing, and  in  places  straw  was  laid  on  the  ground,  for 
the  special  benefit  of  such  as  had  the  "power,"  and 
wanted  to  get  down  on  the  ground  and  have  a 
private  tussle  with  the  devil  on  their  own  account. 
Stands  were  erected  under  the  trees,  in  the  shadiest 
spots,  by  enterprising  white  folks,  for  the  sale  of  gin- 
gerbread and  root-beer,  and  it  was ,  rumored  that 
some  speculators,  distrusting  the  appearance  of  the 
"  sperits  of  just  men  made  perfeck,"  had  supplied 


13S  QUKER   SPECIMENS 

their  place  witli  other  spirits,  full  as  potent  and 
equally  reliable. 

The  grass  might  have  been  agreeable  to  look  upon 
at  a  distance,  but  a  close  inspection  showed  it  to  be 
full  of  pismires ;  the  stumps  would  have  been  com- 
modious seats,  if  they  had  not  been  most  of  them 
previously  appropriated  by  black-snakes ;  the  sleep- 
ing places  would  have  been  tents,  if  they  had  not 
been  huts,  and  a  poetical  fancy  might  have  pictured 
them  as  being  constructed  of  canvas,  white  as  the 
driven  snow,  but  the  practical  mind  instantly  dis- 
covered that  they  were  made  of  oak  slabs  and  dirty 
horse-blankets.  Some  imaginative  people  would 
have  set  down  the  speaking  of  the  ministers  as  elo- 
quence if  not  inspiration,  but  a  critical  individual 
would  have  found  fault  with  the  bad  grammar,  and 
insinuated  that  the  inspiration  was  all  perspira- 
tion. 

At  the  north  end  of  the  ground,  a  big  darkey  in 
his  shirt-sleeves  was  mounted  on  a  platform,  preach- 
ing to  a  crowd,  who  seemed,  by  their  vermicular  con- 
tortions, to  be  possessed  of  a  legion  of  eely  devils. 
On  the  west  side,  a  fat  wench  was  stirring  up  the 
fire  under  a  big  kettle  of  soup,  seemingly  composed 
principally  of  onions  and  ham;  in  a  sly  corner  a 
red-shirt  b'hoy  was  displaying  the  mysterious  evolu- 


OF  RELIGION.  130 

tions  of  the  "little  joker,"  and  two  small  specimens 
of  ebony  juvenility  were  playing  euchre  on  a  bass- 
wood  log  ;  opposite  to  these,  mounted  on  a  cider  bar- 
rel, a  molasses-colored  gentleman  was  going  through 
a  rather  extraordinary  performance ;  he  had  preached 
till  his  audience  had  all  left  him;  then  shouted 
*'  Hallelujah,"  and  "  Glory,"  till  he  was  hoarse;  had 
sung  hymns  in  a  spasmodic  whisper  till  his  voice 
gave  entirely  out,  and  now,  in  despair  at  being 
unable  to  speak,  yet  compelled  to  work  off  his 
superabundant  religion,  as  if  he  were  a  locomotive 
with  too  big  a  head  of  steam  on,  he  was  dancing  on 
one  leg,  and  kicking  the  other  about  in  a  kind  of  per- 
petual pigeon- wing,  and  tossing  his  arms  upwards  in 
a  wild  and  original  manner,  as  if  he  was  using  iiis 
utmost  endeavors  to  climb  to  heaven  on  an  invisible 
tarred  rope. 

To  the  shouts  of  the  men,  and  the  screams  of  the 
women  who  had  got  too  much  religion,  w^as  added 
the  laughter  of  the  outsiders,  who  hadn't  got  enough 
religion,  and  the  swearing  of  the  gamblers,  who 
hadn't  got  any  religion ;  and  to  complete  the  har- 
mony, from  a  neighboring  pasture  was  wafted  the 
roars  of  a  herd  of  cattle,  applauding,  in  their  own 
peculiar  manner,  an  extemporan'feous  biill-iight. 

Mr.  Dropper  gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that  camp- 


no  AN   ECCLESIASTICAL 

meeting  religion,  if  analyzed,  would  be  found  to  con- 
sist of  equal  parts  of  ram,  rowdyism,  and  insanity. 
As,  however,  it  was  deemed  improper  to  decide 
without  a  complete  examination  of  the  premises,  it 
was  resolved  to  proceed  in  company  to  explore  the 
place. 

Quackenbush,  who  had  resumed  his  nap  on  the 
grass,  was  roused,  and  after  getting  the  grasshoppers 
out  of  his  hair,  the  sand-flies  out  of  his  ears,  and 
pulling  off  his  boots  to  look  for  centipedes,  he  was 
declared  ready  for  active  duty,  and  they  proceeded 
on  their  march. 

They  found  in  a  side  hut  of  more  pretentions 
appearance  than  the  rest,  that  there  was  something 
unusual  going  on,  and  upon  inquiring,  discovered 
that  one  of  the  fragrant  flock  having  transgressed, 
he  was  then  having  his  trial  Before  the  "session." 

The  party  moved  on  to  where  the  minister  in  his 
shirt-sleeves  was  edifying  a  small,  but  select,  not  to 
say  noisy,  congregation.  The  audience  seemed  to 
be  affected  much  in  the  same  manner  as  a  strong 
shock  of  electricity  will  stir  up  a  crowd  of  boys  who 
have  all  got  hold  of  the  same  wire.  As  there  seemed 
to  be  a  prospect  of  fun,  the  Elephants  made  a  texji- 
porary  halt^  to  witness  the  same. 


A   SINNER   CONVERTED.  14.1 

The  sermon  was  now  concluded,  and  the  shirt- 
sleeve-man  kneeled  down  on  the  platform  and  began 
to  praj ;  he  must  have  had  no  inconsiderable  amount 
of  similar  exercise  before,  for  the  knees  of  his  panta- 
loons were  worn  entirely  through,  and  there  was 
a  large  hole  behind  where  he  had  sat  upon  his 
heels. 

No  sooner  had  he  fairly  commenced  praying  than 
some  of  the  more  energetic  in  the  crowd  began  to 
groan  ;  when  he  made  a  thorny  point,  and  said  some- 
thing about  the  "  arrow  of  conviction,"  some  fat 
wench  would  sing  out  "  Glory ;"  when  he  put  in  a 
touch  about  hell  fire  and  other  torrid  climates,  they 
would  cry  out  "  Yes,  Lord."  And  when  he  put  in 
an  extra  lick  about  repentance,  and  death,  and  dam- 
nation, and  other  pleasant  luxuries,  the  whole  crowd 
fairly  screamed  with  excitement. 

At  length  a  powerful  darkey,  with  a  head  like  a 
cord  of  No.  1  curled  hair,  and  with  nothing  on  to 
hide  his  black  anatomy  but  a  pair  of  thin  breeches 
and  a  blue  shirt,  began  to  give  unequivocal  manifes- 
tations of  the  workings  of  his  faith ;  first  he  kicked 
a  woman  with  his  right  leg,  then  he  kicked  a  little 
boy  with  his  left,  then  he  punched  one  of  the 
brethren  in  the  stomach,  then  he  stepped  on  the  toes 
of  a  grey-haired  class-leader,  but,  as  both  were  bare- 


l-i2  CORN    WUISKY    AND    SALVATION. 

tooted,  no  harm  was  done  ;  then  he  yelled  like  se''  a 
Indiana,-  and  howled  like  seven  Irishmen,  and  danced 
about  like  a  whole  regiment  of  crazy  Dutchnien. 
When  he  opened  his  mouth,  the  minister  dodged 
the  yawning  chasm,  and  the  man  fell  down  and 
sprawled  about  in  the  mud,  striking  about  with  his 
arms  and  legs,  as  'f  he  were  swimming  on  a  bet, 
and  was  only  two  minutes  from  the  stake-boat.  At 
last  he  ceased  to  move,  and  stiffened  out  as  if  he 
had  suddenly  swallowed  a  rifle-barrel,  which  stuck 
in  his  throat  like  Macbeth's  amen.  The  damaged 
brethren  gathered  round ;  the  sisters,  after  giving 
their  injured  shins  a  consoling  rub,  also  came  to  the 
rescue,  and  the  man  was  picked  up.  He  was  foam- 
ing at  the  mouth ;  his  teeth  were  set  together  so  that 
a  fence-stake  was  required  to  pry  them  apart ;  his 
shirt  was  unbuttoned  (his  pantaloons  had  unbuttoned 
themselves) ;  a  pailful  of  water  out  of  the  nearest 
frog-pond  was  dashed  in  his  face,  and  he  soon  so  far 
recovered  himself  as  to  ask  for  corn  whisky.  All 
immediately  sang,  with  a  strong  chorus,  a  thanks- 
giving hymn,  that  his  soul  was  saved ;  though  -v^hat 
connection  there  was  between  corn  whisky  and 
salvation  puzzled  the  Elephantines  some,  if  not 
more. 
When  this  interesting  episode  in  the  day's  perform- 


EFFECTS    OF   A    HYMN.  143 

ance  was  concluded,  the  participants  picked  them- 
selves up,  and  prepared  to  again  besiege  Satan  in  his 
'stronghold,  the  north  side  of  Sebastopol  of  the 
hearts  of  sinful  niggers.  Singing  was  the  first  fea- 
ture, and  the  hymn  was  of  a  style  unique,  and,  to 
the  Elephants,  highly  refreshing.  In  point  of  com- 
parison they  had  never  known  anything  like  it,  and 
the  execution  was  incomparable  to  anything  known 
to  exist  by  them.  An  athletic  colored  individual 
sang  the  words  of  the  hyma,  and,  after  each  verse, 
the  whole  congregation  would  join  in  the  swelling 
chorus. 

The  effect  of  the  hymn  was  electric.  'No  less 
than  twenty-seven  colored  females  were  seized  with 
spasmodic  religion,  whilst  over  a  dozen  of  the  sterner 
sex  found  themselves  unable  to  longer  resist  the 
thirsting  of  the  spirit  for  religious  nourishment,  and 
they,  too,  fell  over,  and,  amid  the  howling,  kicking, 
singing,  shouting  and  indescribable  confusion  that 
followed,  Mr.  Quackenbush  expressed  it  as  his 
opinion  that  chaos  had  come. 

But  Mr.  Boggs  was  seriously  affected  by  the  per-* 
formance.     He  fell  down  in  the  grass,  and  laughed, 
and  rolled,  and  positively  refused  to  be  comforted  or 
get  up,  until  the  rest  of  the  company  ran  sticks  in 
his  ears,  and  put  last  year's  chestnut-burs  down  his 


144  RETURN   TO   GOTHAM.  ^ 

back.  "When  lie  had  sufficiently  recovered,  the 
members  of  the  club  renewed  their  investigations. 
They  listened  to  several  exhortations  and  hymns, 
and  then  peeped  under  the  horse-blanket  tents.  In 
one  they  saw  a  youthful  wench,  trying  to  pray  with 
her  mouth  full  of  cold  sausage.  Her  efforts  were 
useless,  and  becoming  satisfied  of  this  fact  herself, 
she  concluded,  very  sensibly,  to  no  longer  try  to  save 
her  soul  on  an  empty  stomach,  but  see  to  her  bodily 
wants  first.  Before  she  had  got  ready  to  pray  again 
she  had  drank  a  pint  of  gin,  which  so  heightened  her 
religious  enthusiasm  that  she  made  a  dive  among 
the  pious  elders,  gave  four  shouts  of  glory,  and  fell 
into  the  arms  of  a  venerable  gentleman,  who  divided 
his  time  for  the  next  hour  in  kissing  the  young 
sister,  and  crying  amen  and  glory  in  alternation. 

At  last,  the  Elephants  concluded  to  return  to  the 
city.  They  piled  themselves  into  the  vehicles,  and 
by  means  of  sundry  persuasive  arguments,  the  horses 
were  induced  to  reach  the  livery-stable,  rather 
warm,  inside  of  two  hours. 

After  the  party  had  stowed  away  divers  beet- 
steaks  and  onions,  and  other  articles  of  food,  they 
ascended  into  the  club-room.  Here  they  found 
Overdale  and  "Wagstaff,  both  asleep.  They  were 
awakened,  and,  in  a  peremptory  manner,  the  High- 


WAGSTAFF  AND  OVERDALE.  145 

oldboy  demanded  to  know  why  tliey  had  not  been 
on  hand  in  the  morning  at  the  place  of  rendezvous, 
to  witness  the  sable  performance  in  the  rural  dis- 
tricts. The  answers  of  the  two  offending  individu- 
als differed.  Wagstaff  assigned  as  a  reason  that  he 
was  asleep,  whereas  Overdale  stit'^d  that  he  wasn't 
awake.  The  Higholdboy  announced  himself  satis- 
fied wiih  the  answers- 
10 


Mi^n  Wmmnm 


'  There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  ma 
Which  taken  at  the  flood  leads  on 


»!i 


th^  facts  con- 
tained in  our  last  chapter, 
tlie  members  of  the  Elephant- 
ine order  may  be  said  to  have 
fairly  begun  their  herculean 
labors.  Certain  it  is  that  all 
the  spare  time  they  could  command  was  devoted  to 
an  investigation  info  the  particular  speciality  in 
zoloogical  science,  for  which  the  club  had  been 
organized;  and  certain  it  is  that  the  prospect  of 
some  rare  contribution  from  members  at  the  next 
regular  meeting  was  good. 

The  meeting  night  arrived  at  length,  the  members 
were  all  present,  and  punctual  to  the  hour. 

146 


ORDER   TO   BE   ENFORCED.  147 

The  Higlioldboy  had  brought  with  him  a  pair  of 
boxing-gloves,  which  he  announced  were  to  be  used 
in  this  wise :  He  was  determined  to  keep  order  in 
the  meetings,  and  this,  too,  even  if  he  had  to  resort 
to  severe  means  to  do  so.  But  actuated  by  the  same 
feelings  of  benevolence  which  animated  the  legisla- 
tors who  caused  the  passage  of  laws  to  prevent 
cruelty  to  animals,  he  did  not  want  to  do  physical 
injury  to  the  refractory  members  of  the  club.  There- 
fore, he  had  brought  the  aforesaid  boxing-gloves,  so 
that  when  he  knocked  a  member  down,  he  wouldn't 
either  draw  blood  or  give  him  a  black  eye. 

This  humane  considerateness  on  the  part  of  Mr 
Spout  was  warmly  commended  by  the  brethren,  and 
Mr.  Quackenbush,  in  behalf  of  the  club, 
'  Resolved,  that  the  Higholdboy  is  a  model  presiding 
officer. 

This  resolution  in  behalf  of  the  club  was  adopted 
by  Mr.  Quackenbush. 

Overdale  here  arose  and  said  that  he  fully  coin- 
cided with  the  spirit  of  the  resolution ;  he  had  a  pro- 
position to  make,  however,  which  was  to  order  up 
some  cold  corned  beef,  celery,  mustard,  rolls,  and 
butter,  provided  he  would  consent  to  let  the  members 
keep  order  after  their  own  fashion. 

This  appeal  to  Mr.  Spout's  feelings  was  irresistible, 


148  BOGGS  PRAOnSES. 

and  he  gave  his  full  consent,  saying  that  that  was  all 
he  had  contemplated  under  any  circumstances,  and 
if  they  could  ring  in  Overdale  for  the  feed,  it  was  so 
much  gained.  It  was  accordingly  ordered  that 
Overdale  give  his  order. 

Mr.  Boggs  said  that  boxing-gloves  forcibly  re- 
minded him  of  some  experience  he  had  had  several 
years  previously.  Though  a  person  by  no  means 
thin,  and  notwithstanding  the  fact  that  he  had  been 
for  years  troubled  with  chronic  good  health,  yet, 
from  reading  at  that  time  various  physiological  works, 
he  had  become  convinced,  that  from  the  want  of 
proper  physical  training,  his  dissolution  might  be 
considered  near  at  hand,  unless  he  took  immediate 
measures  to  save  his  precious  life  by  means  of  active 
exercise.  He  accordingly  visited  the  gymnasiums, 
but  the  idea  of  putting  himself  into  such  fantastic 
shapes  as  he  saw  young  men  doing,  was  to  him  not 
to  be  thought  of.  Further,  he  was  decidedly  opposed 
to  the  idea  of  making  himself  the  laughing-stock  of 
a  set  of  young  rascals  by  his  awkward  efforts  in  his 
incipient  progress.  Whilst  he  was  yet  undecided,  a 
friend  suggested  to  him  that  he  procure  a  couple  of 
pairs  of  boxing-gloves,  and  practise  with  them.  "  Hav- 
ing purchased  the  gloves,"  continued  Mr.  Boggs, 
"  I  was  still  at  a  loss  to  know  how  to  proceed.   I  didn't 


THE   ART   OF   bELF-DEFENCE.  149 

want  to  practice  with  anybody,  because  I  knew  that 
my  awkwardness  would  make  mirth  for  them,  and 
to  this  I  was  decidedly  opposed.  Under  these  cir- 
cumstances I  resorted  to  other  means.  In  the  garret 
of  the  house  in  which  I  lived  was  a  mammoth  stove 
— ^in  fact,  gentlemen,  a  stove  which  I  could  strike 
and  not  knock  over,  which  would  not  laugh  at  me  in 
my  attacks,  and  therefore  a  stove  with  which  I 
made  up  my  mind  to  have  a  few  rounds  each 
day. 

"  The  next  day  I  went  up  into  the  garret.  There 
stood  the  sable  champion  of  heavy  weight,  and,  for 
the  first  time  in  my  life,  I  stripped  myself  of  my 
coat,  to  fight  without  being  appalled.  The  stove 
loomed  up  in  giant  proportions ;  I  stood  before  it,  and 
squared  off  as  w^ell  as  I  knew  how.  I  imagined  I 
saw  the  stove's  right  fist  coming  at  my  left  eye.     I 

^  parried  off  the  blow,  which,  without,  doubt  would 
have  been  aimed  at  me,  had  the  stove  had  a  right 
fist  as  I  imagined,  and  with  my  right  fist  I  planted  a 
stunner  in  the  place  where  his  bread-basket  should 
have  been.     The  result  was  a  powerful  reaction,  and 

-  I  found  myself  sprawling  on  the  floor.  I  ascer- 
tained that  I  was  not  damaged,  and  wisely  determined 
then  that  I  would  not  strike  such  powerful  blows  in 
the  future. 

"I  again   squared  off,  and  began  putting  in  the 


150  SUCCESSFUL   FIGHT   WITH   THE   SfOVE. 

blows  in  rapid  succession,  whilst  I  managed  success- 
fully to  keep  my  adversary  from  hitting  me  in  even 
one  of  the  many  attempts  which  I  imagined  he 
made.     I  kept  up  the  practice  about  an  hour. 

"  The  next  day  I  resumed  my  practice,  and  I  kept 
it  up  for  several  weeks,  when  I  fancied  that  I  was 
sufficiently  expert  t6  '  travel  on  my  musclfe.' 

"To  be  sure,  I  had  fought  an  inanimate  object, 
which  could  not  strike;  still,  in  the  tussles  I  had 
imagined  the  stove  striking  at  me  from  all  conceiv- 
able directions,  and  I  had  not  only  been  able  to 
guard-off  these  imaginary  blows,  but  I  had  shown  the 
stove  that  I  could  put  in  a  few  astonishers  between 
times. 

"  I  was  ready  now  for  practice  with  a  living  adver- 
sary. But  who  was  he  to  be  ?  that  was  the  question. 
I  was  still  unwilling  to  call  in  any  of  my  acquaint- 
ances, as  I  might  possibly  after  all  be  found  mni^  vidi, 
vici,  as  we  say  in  the  classics,  which,  when  translated 
into  English,  means  weighed  in  the  balance  and 
found  short  (suppressed  snickers). 

"  One  day,  as  I  was  cogitating  upon  the  matter  in 
front  of  the  house,  a  big  nigger,  full  six  feet  in  height, 
came  along.  He  looked  as  if  he  wanted  a  job,  and 
with  a  good  deal  of  trepidation,  I  ventured  to  ask 
him  if  I  was  right  in  supposing  him  anxious  to  make 
a  half-dollar.     I  found  him  to  be  an  eager  candidate 


UNSUCCESSFUL    FIGHT   WITH    THE  NIGGER.         151 

for  any  position,  from  a  cashier  of  a  bogus  bank  up 
to  a  boot-black.  I  took  him  up  in  the  garret  and 
disclosed  to  him  the  nature  of  my  desires,  and  took 
occasion  to  inform  him  that  I  would  give  him  a  half- 
dollar  for  two  hours  services  per  day,  and  a  quarter 
in  addition  never  to  say  a  word  about  the  matter ;  to 
this  he  assented,  and  I  told  him  to  put  on  the  gloves. 
He  took  the  dirty  pair  out  of  respect  to  me  (not 
taking  into  consideration  the  pi|obable  consequence 
to  me,  in  case  of  his  succeeding  in  putting  in  a  few 
licks),  and  I  took  the  clean  pair. 

"  We  squared  off,,  and  occupied  a  minute  or  two  in 
preliminary  practice;.!  felt  fully  confident  that  I 
could  rnanage  him  quite  as  easily  as  I  had  the  stove, 
and  after  telling  him  to  do  his  best,  I  proceeded  to 
give  him  a  poke  in  his  breast.  We  gradually  warmed 
in  the  work,  the  blows  passed  more  frequently, 
and  as  we  proceeded  I  became  conscious  of  the 
fact  that  I  managed  to  put  in  almost  one  blow  to  his 
three.  I  then  made  my  calculations  to  give  the  nig- 
ger a  regular  rib  riser,  and  just  as  I  was  about  to  con- 
summate this  well  digested  plan,  I  became  apprised 
that  something  important  had  happened ;  what  it 
was  I  was  unable  for  a  minute  or  two  to  decide ; 
several  thoughts  passed  rapidly  through  my  mind. 
One  idea  I  had  was,  that  a  bombshell  from  Sebas- 
topol  had  exploded  in  the  identical  premises  which  I 


112 


THE  RESULT. 


was  then  occupying.  But  this  gave  way  to  another, 
which  was  that  New  York  had  been  tipped  over 
into  Buttermilk  Channel ;  then  again,  I  thought  that 
somebody  was  using  my  head  for  a  rattle-box  ; 
several  other  theories  suggested  themselves  to  me, 
all  of  which  were  equally  reasonable^  But  at  any- 
rate  the  cause  of  the  peculiar  sensations  was  soon 
solved.  The  nigger  had  given  me  a  clip,  covering 
the  lower  part  of  my  proboscis,  my  mouth,  and  chin, 
had  set  my  nose  bleeding,  and  cut  my  lips  some- 
what against  my  teeth,  and  the  blood  was  flowing 
profusely, 

"  I  looked  around  for  the  nigger,  but  he  had  disap- 
peared ;  the  probability  is  that  he  thought  he  had 
been  the  cause  of  my  death,  and  fearing  an  indict- 
ment for  murder,  had  vamosed  without  stopping  to 
get  his  fifty  cents. 

"  I  picked  myself  up  as  well  as  I  could,  and 
travelled  down  stairs  to  my  room.  A  look  into  tha 
mirror  presented  to  my  view 
an  interesting  picture  of  my- 
self; not  only  were  my  nose 
and  lips  swollen,  but  the 
gloves  which  the  nigger  had 
on,  being  blackened  with  the 
stove-blacking,  had  communi- 
cated the  metallic  polish  to  my  face  and  sliirt,  so  that 


^  BOGGS   APPLAUDED.  153 

both  were  of  a  beautiful  sheet-iron  color.  1  kept  my 
room  for  ten  days ;  sent  word  to  the  landlady  that  I 
had  the  measles,  and  requested  that  nobody  be 
admitted  to  my  room  but  the  servant  who  brought 
^  me  my  food,  and  him  I  feed  liberally  to  keep  mum. 
When  I  got  well  enough  to  go  out,  I  loaned  my 
boxiug  gloves  to  a  young  gentleman,  with  my  mind 
fully  made  up  that  if  he  never  offered  to  return 
them,  I  shouldn't  send  a  constable  after  him,  nor 
ask  him  for  them.  I  have  not  indulged  in  any 
amusements  of  the  kind  since,  and  I  am  glad  to 
announce  that  I  am  fully  satisfied  with  my  past 
experience  in  the  study  of  the  science." 

Mr.  Boggs's  narrative  was  loudly  applauded.  He, 
however,  protested  against  the  civility. 

Mr.  Yan  Dam  characterized  it  as  a  valuable  con- 
tribution, wJiich  called  forth  from  Mr.  Boggs  the 
question,  ''  What  the  devil  he  meant  by  calling  it  a 
contribution ;  he  had  no  idea  of  the  kind." 

The  members  insisted  that,  however  he  might 
•  regard  it,  it  certainly  was  a  valuable  contribution  to 
their  entertainment,  and  would  grace  the  archives  of 
the  club. 

Mr.  Boggs  stated  that  had  he  entertained  the 
most  distant  idea  he  was  doing  anything  of  any 
value  to  anybody,  he  should  have  never  been  able 


154      QUACKENBU8H  KEEPING  LATE  HOURS. 

to  say  a  word.     If  it  was  a  contribution  he  was  glad 
of  it. 

The  Higholdboj  then  called  upon  the  other  mem- 
bers for  their  contributions  to  science. 

Mr.'  Quackenbush  responded,  and  after  drinking 
some  Croton  water  diluted  with  gin,  he  began : 

"  Last  evening  I  started  out  on  a  cruise,  with  the 
view  of  seeing  the  elephant  on  the  streets  by  gas- 
light. I  saw  the  identical  elephant  to  be  seen  every 
evening,  and  with  which  you  are  all  familiar,  and  1 
began  to  think  about  eleven  o'clock  that  I  should  be 
compelled  to  retire  to  rest  without  having  seen  any- 
thing worthy  of  note.  To  be  sure,  I  had  seen  a  fight 
between  a  nigger  and  Irishman,  which,  after  the  first 
round,  was  finished  by  each  party  running  away  as 
fast  as  his  legs  could  carry  him,  thereby  tacitly 
acknowledging  that  he  was  beaten ;  but  what  was 
this  ?  Every  one  of  you  have  been  in  fights,  and  of 
course  it  would  be  unnatural  to  suppose  that  a  des- 
cription of  a  scrimmage  of  brief  duration  between 
an  Irishman  and  a  nigger  would  be  particularly  inte-  ^ 
resting,  I  was  about  to  turn  my  footsteps  homeward, 
when  the  movements  of  an  individual  attracted  my 
attention.  The  person  in  question  was  a  gentleman  of 
about  forty-five  years  of  age.  His  height  was  fully 
six  feet,  his  form  was  very  spare,  his  face  thin,  his 


A   STEANGER  IN   GOTHAM.  155 

nose  sharp  and  prominent,  his  eyes  and  hair  grey, 
and  his  face  closely  shaven,  wrinkled,  and  sallow. 
He  was  dressed  in  a  plain  black  dress-coat  and  pants, 
of  a  style  about  three  years  old.  His  vest  was  of 
black  satin,  his  shirt-bosom  was  scrupulously  white  ; 
a  black  silk  choker  was  tightly  enveloped  about  his 
neck,  above  which  peered  a  diminutive  collar,  which, 
when  it  was  put  on,  was  without  doubt  a  standing- 
collar,  but  the  starch  had  not  been  made  of  such  a  con- 
sistency as  to  render  it  consistent  for  the  collar  to  stand 
up  against  the  unstiffening  effects  of  a  hot  day's  sweat- 
ing. As  I  saw  him,  he  was  coming  down  the  street  at 
a  rapid  rate,  describing  all  sorts  of  geometrical  figures 
on  the  sidewalk,  and  making  efforts  to  sing  the  words 
of  "  Yankee  Doodle "  to  the  tune  of  "  Old  Hun- 
dred." "Whenever  he  ran  against  an  awning-post,  he 
would  stop,  and  expostulate  with  the  post  for  its  want 
of  civility,  and  would  insist  that  the  post  had  never 
been  born  and  bred  in  the  St.  Lawrence  country,  or 
it  would  have  shown  more  politeness  to  strangers. 
He  was  entirely  unable  to  account  for  the  sudden 
revolutions  of  the  earth,  which  made  day  and  night 
follow  each  other  in  such  quick  succession.  When 
he  ran  against  a  lamp-post,  he  would  look  up  to  the 
light  and  insist  that  it  was  dinner-time,  and  would 
wonder  why  the  old  woman  didn't  blow  the  horn. 


156  DEACON    PETTINGILL 

At  that  moment  a  policeman  came  along,  and  was 
going  to  take  him  into  custody.  On  observing  the 
policeman's  uniform,  he  inquired  of  him  whether  he 
was  a  'Merican  or  British  soger,  and  whether  the 
Russians  had  w^hipped  E"icholas,  and  whether  Cuba 
had  begun  to  bombard  General  Pierce  at  Sebastopol. 
I  knew  the  officer  very  well,  and  he  suggested  that  as 
the  man  seemed  to  be  quite  respectable  in  his  appear- 
ance, it  might  be  well  to  take  him  to  a  hotel  for 
the  night.  I  volunteered  to  do  this,  and  accord- 
ingly took  him  under  my  care.  On  going  down,  he 
asked  me  if  I  was  a  karvern  teeper.  as  he  wanted  to 
take  a  drink  of  bed,  and  then  go  to  sleep  on  a  blass 
of  grandy.  I  told  him  I  was,  and  would  see  him 
put  to  bed  all  right.  On  asking  him  his  name,  I 
learned  that  he  was  Deacon  Josiah  Pettingill,  of  St. 
Lawrence  coiinty.  We  got  to  the  hotel,  and  I 
informed  the  clerk  that  the  gentleman  was  a  country 
friend  of  mine,  whom  I  wanted  stowed  away  for  the 
night,  and  for  whom  I  would  call  in  the  morning.  I 
accompanied  him  to  the  room,  assisted  in  removing  his 
garments,  and,  after  putting  him  between  the  sheets, 
I  left  the  premises.  This  morning  I  called  on  him  at 
his  room,  and  found  him  still  asleep.  I  proceeded  to 
awaken  him.  It  occupied  some  minutes  to  explain 
to  him  thq  true  condition  of  affairs.    At  last,  the  whole 


m 


CN   A   BENDEK.  15T 

of  the  occurrences  of  the  previous  evening  seemed 
to  come  to  his  recollection. 

"  He  inquired  his  condition  when  I  found  him.  I 
told  him  that  he  was  at  that  time  considerably  drunk^ 
and  disposed  to  be  somewhat  noisy. 

"  '  Well,  squire,'  said  he,  *  I  shouldn't  be  surprised 
if  it  was  so ;  the  fact  is,  my  head  aches  at  this 
minute  as  if  it  was  ready  to  bust,  and  it  feels  jest  as 
it  did  once  in  my  lifetime,  a  good  while  ago,  when  I 
took  too  much  egg  nogg ;  that  was  full  twenty-fiva 
year  ago ;  for  awhile,  I  felt  as  if  I  was  ridin'  tr 
Heaven^  over  glairy  ice  down  a  high  hill,  on  a  bob  • 
sled  with  its  runners  greased.  But  I  never  got  there ; 
I  know  one  thing  sartain — a  few  hours  afterward  I 
felt  as  if  the  bob-sled  had  run  agin  a  stump,  when 
almost  tu  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  and  the  concussion 
had  landed  me  intu  a  cauldron-kettle  full  of  fever  and 
ager  and  blacksmiths'  hammers,  mixed  together  in 
equal  parts ;  it  wasn't  funny,  squire ;  I  went  right 
off  and  jined  the  church,  and  hain't  been  blue  since, 
unless  I  wos  last  night.' 

"  I  asked  Mr.  Pettingill  to  give  me  a  history  of  his 
cx])erience  in  the  city.  He  complied,  a,nd  stated  the 
Ihcts  as  follows : — 

" '  "Well,  you  see,  squire,  I  come  to  the  city  la-st 
evonln'  from  Albany,  in  the  railrwad,  and  when  I 


158  IS  TAKEN   TO   A 

got  tu  the  shed  where  the  raHroad  stops,  I  got  out. 
A  feller  stepped  up  tu  me  as  important  as  a  bantam 
cock  after  he  has  crowed  for  the  firet  time,  and  asked 
me  where  I  wanted  tu  go.  I  told  him  I  wanted  tu 
go  tu  a  first-rate  tarvern.  He  said  that  idea  was 
ridiculous;  that  they  never  allowed  distinguished 
strangers  tu  go  tu  tarverns,  and,  unless  he  was  mis- 
taken, I  was  something  above  the  common  folks  from 
the  rooral  deestricts.  I  told  him  I  was  supervisor  of 
the  town  where  I  was  born  and  brought  up,  in  the 
St.  Lawrence  country.  He  said  he  was  thunderin' 
glad  to  hear  it,  as  he  himself  was  something  of  a 
high  cockalorum  of  N^ew  York.  He  insisted  upon 
my  gittin'  intu  the  carriage  and  goin'  tu  his  private 
dwellin',  as  it  would  be  vulgar  tu  go  tu  tarverns.  I 
asked  him  if  the  St.  Nicholas  Hotel  was  common. 
He  said  that  nobody  but  those  that  wasn't  no  great 
shakes  went  there.  We  finally  come  tu  a  real  big, 
purty  stim  house,  and  the  man  jumped  off  from  the 
carriage.  He  told  me  again  that  if  he  was  rich  he 
wasn't  proud,  and  it  was  a  way  he  had  of  always 
ridin'  outside  and  drivin'.  I  told  him  I  always  done 
80,  only  in  the  consarn  I  had  they  all  rode  outside, 
for  the  reason  that  there  warn't  no  inside.  "With 
that  he  larfed,  and  said  that  all  folks  didn't  have  jest 
the  same  way  of  doin'  things,  and  we  went  tu  the 


GAMBLING    HOUSE.  159 

door.  A  nigger  come  and  opened  the  door,  and  we 
went  in.  There  was  about  twenty  gentlemen,  fixed  off 
tu  kill,  and  a  table  sot  with  bottles,  and  everything  as 
slickery  as  could  be.  The  man  who  brought  me  took 
me  tu  a  fine-looking  gentleman  and  told  me  that  he 
was  his  brother,  that  he  was  obleeged  tu  go  out  on 
business  connected  with  his  office,  but  that  he  would 
be  back  by  11  o'clock;  he  said  his  brother  would 
see  tu  me,  and  do  the  scrumptious  while  he  was  gone ; 
well,  we  set  down  tu  the  table  ;  he  was  orful  kind,  for 
he  helped  me  tu  everything  he  could  on  the  table — 
all  kinds  of  chicken-tixens  and  ginger-bread  arrange- 
ments ;  he  then  asked  me  tu  take  a  glass  of  wine ;  I 
told  him  I  was  a  little  tew  much  of  a  temperance 
man  for  that ;  he  said  certainly  he  wouldn't  ask  me 
if  I  had  any  scrooples  agin'  it ;  he  asked  me  if  I 
was  opposed  to  drinkin'  cider ;  I  said  no,  if  it  was 
sweet ;  he  said  that  they  had  got  in,  about  a  week 
before,  a  barrel  of  swe^  L  cider,  which  had  jest  enough 
snap  in  it  tu  make  it  taste  good ;  he  told  the  nigger 
tu  take  a  bottle  of  wine  up  stairs  tu  his  sick  nephew, 
and  tu  bring  a  pitcher  full  of  cider  up  stairs  from 
the  new  barrel ;  the  nigger  left  with  the  bottle  and 
the  pitcher,  and  in  about  five  minutes  came  back 
intu  the  room  with  the  pitcher  full  of  the  slickest 
cider  I  ever  seen  ;  I  drunk  some  of  it.  and  it  tasted 


160  LOAKS    AKD    LOSSES. 

SO  good  that  I  drunk  more ;  when  I  had  taken  almost 
enough,  the  gentleman  asked  me  tu  go  into  the  back 
room  where  a  lot  of  men  was  a  setting  around  a 
table,  holdin'  little  round  pieces  of  bone  in  their  hands 
and  puttin'  'em  down,  and  another  man  was  fum- 
blin'  with  some  pieces  of  paper ;  I  asked  him  if  they 
wasn't  playin'  cards,  'cause  I  thought  they  looked  as 
if  they  was ;  he  said  no,  that  they  was  Wall  street 
stock-dealers,  and  that  the  pieces  of  bone  stood  for 
so  many  shares  of  stock ;  he  asked  if  I  wouldn't  like 
tu  become  a  stock-jobber,  and  he  said  there  was  a 
power  of  money  tu  be  made  at  the  business ;  I  said 
I  guessed  not,  but  he  seemed  tu  be  anxious  tu  do  a 
little  at  it  himself,  and  he  asked  me  to  lend  him  a 
hundred  dollars  which  he  would  give  back  tu  me 
when  his  brother  came ;  after  he  had  give  me  three 
or  four  more  glasses  of  cider,  which,  by  this  time,  he 
poured  out  of  bottles,  I  handed  him  my  money-puss 
and  told  him  tu  help  himself;  '^e  opened  it  and  took 
out  all  there  was  in  it,  which  was  ten  dollars ;  he 
asked  me  if  that  was  all  I  had  got,  and  I  told  him 
that  my  calculations  had  been  jest  right ;  that  when 
I  started  from  hum  I  had  an  idee  that  I  should  land 
with  jest  ten  dollars  in  my  puss ;  he  then  asked  me 
if  I  had  brought  any  checks  or  drafts,  and  I  told 
liim  no;    so   he    said  he   would   borrow  the  ten, 


TEN  DOLLARS.  161 

and  he  went  into  the  stock  business  pretty  heavy, 
and  I  watched  to  see  how  he  made  in  the  specula- 
tion, but  after  takin'  three  or  four  more  glasses  of  that 
cider,  I  kinder  lost  the  run  of  the  speculation ;  he 
then  said  it  would  be  a  good  idee  tu  go  out  and  get 
some  fresh  air,  which  we  did,  after  taking  a  little 
more  of  that  cider ;  as  we  went  along  the  streets,  I 
thought  that  we  didn't  have  tu  move  our  feet — that 
the  street  moved  up  and  down  tu  save  us  the  trouble ; 
the  houses  kinder  got  to  playin'  blind  man's  buff, 
and  the  streets  got  to  heaving  up  and  down  orfully, 
and  when  I  was  wonderin'  what  on  airth  made  it,  I 
missed  the  gentleman;  that,  squire,  is  about  all  I 
recollect ;  but  the  fun  of  the  matter  is  this,  that  I 
was  cute  enough  not  tu  tell  the  gentleman  I  had 
three  hundred  dollar  bills  tucked  behind  the  strap  of 
my  boot,  in  the  leg.' 

*'  Mr.  Pettingill  then  took  one  of  his  boots  from  the 
floor,  drew  out  the  three  hundred  dollar  bills,  and  held 
them  up  as  a  triumph  of  St.  Lawrence  cuteness. 

"  ^  ISTcw,'  said  he,  *  squire,  I  want  you  tu  show  me  a 
tarvern  where  nobody  won't  want  tu  borrow  money 
of  me,  I  am  a  little  'spicious  of  that  man's  brother. 
I  don't  believe  he  intended  to  ]^ay  me.' 

^' I  told  him  that  his  present  quarters  were  as  desira- 
ble, in  all  points  of  view,  as  any  he  could  find  in  the 


162  MR.   VAN  dam's 

city,  after  which  I  informed  him,  much  to  his  aston- 
ishment, that  he  had  beea  taken  to  a  garabling-house, 
and  it  was  owing  to  his  '  cuteness,'  which,  it  seems, 
did  not  forsake  him  when  drunk,  that  he  had  not 
lost  all  his  money. 

"  Mr.  Pettingill  thanked  me  for  the  part  I  had  taken 
in  his  behalf,  and  gave  me  a  pressing  invitation  to 
come  to  his  place  in  St.  Lawrence  county,  next  sum- 
mer, and  spend-  a  month  with  him,  all  of  which  I 
promised  to  do,'  if  it  was  possible." 

Mr.  Quackenbush  was  congratulated  on  his  good 
fortune  in  coming  across  that  particular  species  of 
the  elephant,  whose  nature  and  characteristics  he 
had  so  happily  and  correctly  delineated  in  his  paper. 

It  was  moved  by  Mr.  Dropper  that  a  copy  of  the 
contribution  be  requested  from  Quackenbush,  to 
make  cigar-lighters  of,  and  that  the  original  be  depo- 
sited in  the  big  room  of  the  American  Institute,  as  a 
specimenof  bad  chirography. 

Mr.  Q.  said  he  would  see  them  Mowed  first. 

Mr.  Van  Dam  next  proceeded  with  his  contribu- 
tion : 

"  A  few  evenings  since,"  said  he,  "  as  I  was  pass- 
ing through  one  of  the  streets  of  Gotham,  I  observed 
a  crowd  collected  near  a  corner  grocery.  Thinking 
that  an  opportunity  was  afforded  to  see  something 


CONTEIBUTION.  163 

worth  taking  a  note  of,  I  ran  for  the  spot  in  time  to 
see  the  difficulty.  I  found  there  a  man,  holding 
with  each  hand  a  boy,  and  both  of  the  juveniles 
making  frantic  efforts  to  release  themselves  from  his 
grasp.  The  man  was  a  small,  cadaverous-appearing 
individual,  a  compound  of  gamboge  and  chalk,  the 
gamboge  predominating.  There  was  a  tinge  of  yel- 
low in  his  face,  he  had  yellow  hair,  and  he  had  on  a 
suit  of  summer  clothes,  made  of  some  yellow  mate- 
rial. Nature  had  favored  him  with  a  dwarfed  mous- 
tache, -  composed  of  twenty-eight  yellow  hairs,  and 
also  an  incipient  beard,  made  up  of  seventy-six  yel- 
low hairs,  and  turned  out  in  the  shape  of  a  triangle, 
the  base  of  which  rested  upon  the  chin,  at  the  point 
where  it  begins  to  retreat,  and  the  apex  of  which 
reached  the  middle  of  his  under  lip. 

"  The  appearance  of  the  boys  would  indicate  that 
they  were  of  Irish  birth.  One  had  a  squint-eye  and 
a  head  of  hair  which  the  youth  of  America  are 
accustomed  to  designate  as  a  '  brick-top.'  His  snub 
nose  was  ordinarily  directed  to  an  imaginary  point 
in  the  heavens,  about  forty-five  degrees  above  the 
horizon.  His  garments  were  not  altogether  the  style 
which  would  be  pronounced  aufait^  by  a  Broadway 
Jeader  of  the  fashion.  It  would  seem  that  he  had 
only  one  purpose  in  view  in  jumping  into  the  afore- 


164:  PERSECUTION   OF   A 

Baid  garments,  which  purpose  was,  not  to  create  a 
sensation,  either  by  the  accuracy  of  their  fit,  or  the 
newness  of  the  material,  but  rather  to  cover  his  form, 
and  keep  out  the  cold,  at  such  times  as  the  clerk  of 
the  weather  was  induced  to  fetch  up  "  heated  terms  " 
all  standing,  and  give  us  a  specimen  of  the  tempera- 
ture, perhaps  somewhat  mollified,  which  is  supposed 
to  exist  in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  Symmes  Hole. 
The  description  of  one  of  the  boys  will  do  very  well 
for  the  other,  except  that  in  some  particulars  he  was 
a  little  more  so,  and  in  others  a  little  less,  which 
statement,  gentlemen,  I  consider  sufficiently  definite 
for  all  practical  purposes. 

"  The  sympathies  of  the  bystanders  seemed  to  be 
decidedly  in  favor  of  the  boys,  who  were  so  violent 
in  their  resistance  that  the  man  could  hold  them 
only  with  great  difficulty.  Once  they  tripped  him, 
and  then  all  three  fell  over  a  barrel  of  turnips,  upset- 
ting a  barrel-cover  containing  apples ;  but  the  man 
was  enabled  to  continue  his  hold  on  the  boys.  At 
last,  when  one  of  them,  by  tangling  his  leg  around 
the  man,  upset  him  into  a  tub  of  pickles,  the  man 
called  out,  in  a  shrill  voice,  '  Vatch !  vatch !'  All 
this  transpired  amid  the  shouts  of  the  lookers-on. 
*Go  in,  blinky,'  said  one.  'Keep  a  going,  sour 
krout,'  said  another ;  and  various  were  the  remarks 


cohner  ghocery-man.  165 

of  this  character  which  were  heard.  But,  as  usual, 
the  police  were  not  at  hand,  and  the  sequel  proved 
that  their  absence  was  rather  to  be  desired  than 
otherwise.  E'otwithstanding  the  fact  that  the  sym- 
pathies of  the  crowd  were  apparently  in  fayor  of  the 
boys,  yet  the  general  feeling  seemed  to  be  that  the 
merits  of  the  case  should  be  understood,  and  when 
the  boys  made  an  effort  to  escape,  they  were  pre- 
vented ;  and  when  the  vanquished  German  had 
extricated  himself  from  the  pickle-tub,  one  of  the 
persons  asked  what  the  boys  had  done. 

"  *  Do,'  said  the  grocery-keeper,  '  dey  do  so  much 
as  to  sends  dem  to  de  States  brison.  Dey  is  de  vorst 
poys  as  runs  in  de  shtreets.  De  oder  night  dey  comes 
here  to  mine  shtore-crocery  a  koople  of  times,  and 
ven  I  vas  not  see  dem,  dey  ketch  my  cats  by  de  dails, 
and  dies  vire-crackers  to  de  cat's  dail,  on ,  de  shtep- 
valk,  and  den  sets  vire  to  de  crackers,  and  trows  de 
cats  down.  Den  de  cats  she  runs  like  de  tuyvel  into 
de  shtore  so  much  scare.  She  yump  all  around  on 
de  counters,  over  into  de  barrels,  breaks  into  bieces 
some  new  bottles  vat  I  buy  yust,  sets  vire  to  some 
paper  vat  vas  lay  on  de  counters,  tumbles  over 
ebery  dings  vat  vas  in  de  vay,  and  gets  all  shplitter 
shplatter  mixed  up  togedder.  I  find  some  shweet 
oil  bottles  shpill  in  de  box  fon  green  dea ;  she  knock 


166  A  GUNPOWDEE 

down  fom  de  shelf  a  big  match-box,  vich  hold  a 
gross  fon  matches,  and  dey  go  off  and  shmell  so  vorse 
mit  primstone  as  if  de  tnjvel  had  moved  into  mine 
shtore-crocery,  and  I  can't  tell  you  so  much  damage 
as  it  do  ;  and  ven  I  look  for  de  cats,  I  find  her  about 
an  hour  rolled  up  in  a  pasket  fon  green  beas,  mit  all 
de  hair  scorch  off  de  pehind  side  fon  her.  Dis  vas 
on  Saturday  night  vill  be  two  veeks.' 

"  *  Why  didn't  you  catch  them  then  V  asked  one 
of  the  party. 

"^ Ketch  dem,'  said  the.  grocery-man;  'peforel 
vas  get  over  mine  scare,  dey  vas  run  avay,  and  you 
might  yust  so  veil  try  to  find  a  needle  mit  a  hay- 
shtacks  as  to  find  dem.  But  I  tells  de  constopples 
about  dem,  and  dey  say  dey  vill  look  out  for  dem. 
Yell,  two  tree  days  go  by,  and  von  morning  I  comes 
down  shtairs  to  unlocks  de  door  fon  mine  shtore-cro- 
cery. De  key  vas  in  de  inside  de  door,  and  ven  I 
durns  dem  round  to  unlock  dem  yust,  I  hears  some- 
dings  shoot  off  on  de  oder  side  de  door.  I  vas  much 
scare,  and  I  runs  up  shtairs,  for  I  dinks  some  feller 
vants  to  shoot  me,  and  I  sends  my  vife  out  de  oder 
door  to  look  round  on  de  shtep-valk,  and  see  who 
vas  dere.  Yen  she  come  back  she  say  der  bin  no 
beeples  dere,  and  so  I  go  vonce  more  to  unlocks  de 
door.    I  durns  de  key  so  quick  as  I  can,  ven  pop  I 


PLOT.  167 

crack  !  shoot !  I  hears  again  de  noise.  I  vas  so  much 
scare  dat  I  falls  over,  and  I  bulls  de  door  open.  Yen 
I  finds  I  vas  not  shoot,  I  looks  in  de  lock  and  finds 
dere  some  bieces  baper,  vat  you  make  de  little  vite 
vire-crackers — j'oucall' 

" '  Torpedoes,'  suggested  one  of  the  persons  pre- 
sent. '  > 

"'Yes,  dorpedoes,'  resumed  the  German,  'dat's 
the  name.' 

"  '  How  do  you  know  these  boys  put  torpedoes  in 
your  lock  V  asked  one. 

"  '  I  know  it  so  veil  as  I  vants  to  know,'  was  the 
response. 

"'Did  you  see 'em  do  it,  or  did  anybody  else? 
was  the  next  question. 

"  '  JSTo,  I  did  not  see  dem  do  it,  but  I  know  it  was 
dem  I  can,  shvear  it  vas  dem,'  said  the  confident 
accuser. 

"  '  Pretty  good  swearin,'  said  a  man  in  a  red  shirt. 
'  Say,  old  sour  krout,'  he  continued,  '  what  else  have 
the  boys  done  V 

"  '  Mine  Gott !'  said  the  corner  grocery-man,  des- 
pairingly, 'is  dat  not  enough  vat  I  have  tell  you  ? 
Yen  I  go  out  my  shtore-crocery  for  a  minute,  vonce 
dey  durns  d^  shpiggot  fon  de  lager  bier  and  vinegar 
parrells,  and  dey  runs  out  in  de  floor  and  vaste  ;  ven 
dey  see  uie  in  de  slitrcets  dey  calls  me  '  Old  iiichfs 


168  MORE  OF  THE 

cum  araus,  sour  kraut,  sjprech  JDeutsch.^  Dey  finds 
dead  rats,  and  trows  dera  on  mine  awning  till  dey 
slimells  so  bad ;  dey  brings  an  old  barber's  pole^  and 
sets  dem  np  before  mine  shtore-crocery,  on  vich  vaa 
paint,  '  shaving  done  here,'  and  ven  de  beeples  see 
de  sign,  dey  laughs  and  say  good,  and  it  make  all 
mine  customers  dink  dat  I  cheat  dem.' 

"  '  Is  that  all  V  inquired  a  bystander. 

" '  No,'  said  the  German,  emphatically,  '  I  can  tell 
you  more  as  dat.' 

"  '  But  how  do  you  know  these  boys  did  all  these 
things,'  inquired  another. 

"  '  All  de  beeples  say  dey  is  de  fellers,'  was  the 
reply. 

"  'What  did  they  do  to-night?'  inquired  another  of 
the  crowd. 

"  '  Yell  I  tell  you  dat,'  said  the  persecuted  mer- 
chant. *To  night  I  vas  shtand  in  front  von  mine 
shtore,  to  talk  mit  a  carman,  who  have  bring  some 
dings  to  me.  Pretty  soon,  he  get  on  his  cart  and 
drive  off,  and  ven  he  shtart,  a  parrell  von  botatoes, 
dat  shtand  on  de  edge  fon  de  shtep-valk,  tip  over  in 
de  shtreet,  and  de  botatoes  fall  out  and  shcatter 
about,  and  the  parrell  it  go  yumping  along  de 
shtreets,  mit  de  cart ;  I  holler  for  de  caf^nan  and  he 
shtop.  Yen  I  go  to  see,  I  find  dat  a  rope  vas  tie 
round  the  parrel,  and  hitch  to  de  cart-veel  close ;  veil, 


169 

I  bick  up  de  botatoes,  and  put  de  parrel  vonce  more 
on  de  shtep-valk,  and  keep  vatch.  Soon  I  see  dese 
boys  come  along,  and  dev  look  at  me  mit  de  tuyvel 
in  deir  ejes,  and  I  know  it  vas  dem.  Yust  den  1 
run  and  ketch  dem.' 

"  The  details  of  the  case  being  pretty  well  under- 
stood, it  became  a  question  with  the  crowd  what 
should  be  done.  The  general  opinion  was  that  the 
boys  were  wrong  in  their  continued  annoyances  of 
the  Dutchman,  though  they  did  not  think  the  case 
was  one  sufficiently  aggravated  to  justify  their  being 
turned  over  either  to  the  police  or  to  the  vengeance 
of  the  grocery-man.  At  last  a  portly  old  Knicker- 
bocker, who  had  laughed  heartily  at  the  Dutchman's 
narration,  essayed  to  act  as  spokesman. 

"  '  What's  your  name,'  said  he  to  one  of  the  boys 
with  assumed  gravity. 

"  '  Mike  Hannegan,'  said  he,  '  and  this  'ere  boy  is 
Barney  Doolan.' 

" '  Oh,  you  young  rascals,'  continued  the  gentleman, 
'you  deserve  to  be  arrested  for  your  bad  ways. 
Fou  are  very  bad  boys,  you  know  you  are,  whether 
you  are  the  ones  who  have  bothered  the  Dutchman 
or  not.  He  guessed  right,  I  think,  in  supposing  you 
to  be  the  boys.  But  if  these  gentlemen  will  let  you 
off,  will  you  stop  troubling  him  in  the  future  V 


170  RESOLUTION.  s    - 

"  *  Yes,  sir,'  said  both  of  the  boys,  meekly. 

"  '  Then  cut  stick,  both  of  yon,'  said  he. 

"  Jnst  then  an  individual  with  a  reinarkable  loafer- 
ish  air,  dressed  in  a  blue  single-breasted  frock  coat, 
with  a  row  of  military  buttons,  a  blue  cap  with  silver 
mountings,  and  a  brass  star  on  his  breast — an  indi 
vidual,  in  brief,  known  as  a  policeman — arrived  on 
the  spot,  and  inquired  what  was  the  trouble.  After 
informing  him  that  he  was  a  day  after  the  fair,  I  left 
the  vicinity." 

When  Mr.  Yan  Dam  concluded,  on  motion  of  Mr. 
Boggs  it  was 

Resolved^  that  the  members  of  the  club  do  now 
proceed,  each  man  for  himself,  to  light  his  pipe. 
^    The  resolution  was  acceded  to  without  a  dissenting 
voter. 

Dennis,  Wagstaff,  and  Overdale,  as  usual,  had  been 
investigating  in  company,  Overdale  taking  the  lead, 
and  Wagstaff  taking  notes,  and  all  three  occasionally 
taking  egg-noggs. 

A  unanimous  call  was  made  for  Wagstaff's  note- 
book, which  was  immediately  forthcoming. 

The  reading  of  Mr.  "Wagstaff's  notes  was  prefaced 
by  statements  on  the  part  of  Dennis  and  Overdale 
which  made  the  following  facts  apparent  to  the  club. 
The  previous  evening  the  three  went  into  a  Green- 


A   MISANTHROPE.  171 

wich  street  bar-room,  on  the  invitation  of  Overdale 
to  pay  a  visit  to  Delmonico's,  to  get  a  piece  of  pie 
and  some  cigars.  Whilst  partaking  of  the  order,  a 
singular  person  entered  the  room.  His  beauty  was 
decidedly  of  the  yard-stick  character.  He  was  long 
as  a  projected  Iowa  railroad,  and  as  symmetrical  as 
a  fence-rail ;  his  face  was  as  expressionless  as  the 
head  of  Shakspeare  which  is  seen  on  the  drop-cur- 
tain of  the  Broadway  Theatre,  surrounded  by  a 
triple  row  of  attenuated  sausages.  His  square  and 
angular  shoulders  made  him  resemble  a  high-shoul- 
dered pump,  while  his  arms  moved  with  as  much  ease 
and  grace  as  the  handle  to  the  same.  Long,  black 
hair,  parted  in  the  middle,. was  soaped  down  until 
the  oleaginous  ends  reposed  upon  the  unctuous  collar 
of  his  seedy  coat.  His  shirt-collar,  guiltless  of  starch, 
was  unbuttoned  at  the  neck  and  laid  far  back  over 
his  vest,  doubtless  to  display  a  neck  which,  had  it 
been  cut  off,  was  long  enough  to  tie. 

He  had  seated  himself,  and  had  settled  down  into 
a  misanthropic  quiet,  when  a  little  stubby  man,  with 
one  eye — the  very  ideal  of  a  Washington  market 
butcher — happened  to  enter.  As  soon  as  the  first- 
mentioned  subject  saw  him,  he  jumped  up,  rushed 
at  the  stubby  man,  and  had  hardly  touched  him, 
before  a  blow  from  the  fist  of  the  stubby  man  caused 


172  HIS  HISTOET. 

him  to  collapse  on  the  floor.  The  stubby  man  fol* 
lowed  up  his  success  by  pulling  the  nose  of  his  fallen 
enemy,  and  threatening  to  give  him  a  "tolerable 
shake-up,  if  he  ever  came  round  his  shop  agin'." 

The  conflict  was  brief,  as  it  soon  drew  in  quite  a 
crowd,  and  amongst  others  a  policeman.  The  tall 
man  was  pointed  out  as  the  aggressor,  but  the  stubby 
man  said  "  he  didn't  want  to  appear  agin'  the  crack- 
brained  cuss ;  that  he  guessed  he  (the  said  cuss)  had 
got  the  worst  of  it." 

But  the  assembled  multitudes  were  not  satisfied. 
They  thought  it  was  due  to  them  that  they  should 
have  an  explanation,  and  as  the  tall  individual  seemed 
anxious,  and  the  stubby  individual  didn't  make  any 
objections,  a  ring  was  formed  to  give  the  parties  a 
chance  to  be  heard. 

The  stubby  man  said  that  while  the  other  was 
"exorcism'  his  jaw,  he'd  have  some  ham'neggs;" 
whilst  he  was  eating,  the  tall  individual  told  his 
story,  which  was  one  of  blighted  hopes,  disappointed 
expectations,  unrequited  love,  and  unappreciated 
genius.  WagstaflPs  notes  of  his  words  read  as  follows : 

"  *  My  name  is  Julius  Jenkins,  and  I  have  a  cousin 
named  Betsey  Brown ;  I  love  my  cousin  Betsey ; 
have  always  loved  my  cousin  Betsey,  from  the  time 
when  as  children  we  tore  in  loving  partnership  oui 


COUSIN   BETSEY.  173 

mutual  pantalets  and  petticoats  (for  these  legs  once 
wore  pantalets,  and  their  symmetry  was  hidden 
from  admiration  by  petticoats),  looking  for  black- 
berries in  a  cedar-swamp ;  from  the  time  we  sucked 
eggs,  together  in  the  barn-yard  and  *  teetered ' 
in  happy  sport  upon  the  same  board ;  from  the  time 
we  built  playhouses  in  the  garden  and  made  puppy- 
love  behind  the  currant  bushes ;  from  those  happy 
days  of  rural  felicity  until  the  present  time,  my 
cousin  Betsey  has  been  the  ideal  of  my  soul.  'We 
used  to  eat  bread  and  milk  out  of  the  same  bowl,  dig 
angleworms  with  the  same  shovel,  go  fishing  in  the 
same  creek,  steal  apples  from  the  same  orchard,  and 
crawl  through  the  same  hole  in  the  fence  when  the 
man  chased  us.  Through  all  my  lonely  life  the 
memory  of  cousin  Betsey  has  been  my  guardian 
angel.  I  have  been  exposed  to  dire  temptations ; 
once  I  was  reduced  to  such  extremity  that  I  was 
about  to  earn  my  dinner  by  sawing  wood,  but  my 
cousin  Betsey  seemed  to  rise  before  me  and  say,' 
"  Julius,  don't  degrade  yourself;"  and  I  didn't.  1 
cast  the  saw  to  the  earth,  and  begged  my  dinner 
from  a  colored  washerwoman.  I  once  accepted  a 
situation  as  a  clerk  in  a  retail  grocery.  I  stayed  a 
week,  but  on  every  barrel  of  sugar,  on  every  bar  of 
soap,  in  every  keg  of  lard,  in  each  individual  pota- 
to, in  every  bushel   in  all  the  cellar,    I  saw   the 


174  LOVE,  PRIDE 

reproachful  face  of  my  cousin  Betsey ;  it  rose  before 
me  from  the  oily  depths  of  the  butter-firkin,  and 
from  the  cratery  interior  of  the  milk-can ;  the  very 
peanuts  rose  up  in  judgment  against  me,  and  had  on 
each  separate  end  a  speaking  likeness  of  my  cousin 
Betsey,  which  said,  "Julius,  don't  degrade  yourself;" 
I  couldn't  stand  it ;  in  the  darkness  of  night  I  packed 
up  my  wardrobe  (comprising  one  shirt  of  my  own 
and  two  I  borrowed  from  a  neighboring  clothes-line), 
helped  myself  to  the  small  change,  and  vanished ;  I 
became  a  painter,  I  executed  a  portrait  of  my  cousin 
Betsey ;  I  asked  a  critical  friend  to  see  my  master- 
piece ;  he  gazed  a  moment,  and  then  asked  me  which 
was  the  tail  end ;  the  dolt !  he  thought  I  meant  it  for 
a  pig ;  I  wrote  poetry  to  my  cousin  Betsey,  but  the 
printer  returned  it  because  I  spelled  Cupid  with  a  K, 
and  put  the  capitals  at  the  wrong  end  of  my  words ; 
the  uninformed  ass;  he  did  not  understand  the 
eccentricities  of  genius;  I  became  an  actor,  and 
attempted  Othello ;  at  the  rise  of  the  curtain  I  was 
saluted  with  a  shower  of  onions  from  appreciative 
friends,  and  at  its  fall  I  was  presented  by  the  mana- 
ger with  a  brush,  to  which  he  added  his  gratuitous 
advice  that  I  should  keep  the  paint  on  my  face  and 
go  into  the  boot-blacking  business ;  I  turned  compo- 
ser, but  could  never  get  my  "  Bootjack  Waltz  "  pub- 
lished, or  my  oratorio  of  "  The  Ancient  Applewo- 


AND    POVEETY. 


176 


man  "  before  the  public ;  at  last  m}^  cousin  Betsey 
came  to  live  in  the  city,  and  I  thought  once  more  to 
possess  her  love,  but  I  found  a  rival;  a  one-eyed 
butcher ;  I  wrote  letters  to  her ;  I  know  that  they 
should  have  been  tied  with  blue  ribbon,  but  necessity 
dictated  cotton  twine ;  I  sent  her  presents ;  not  so 
valuable  as  I  could  have  wished ;  my  intention  was 
good  but  my  means  were  limited;  I  could  have 
wished  to  oifer  gold  and  jewels,  but  I  could  never 
afford  more  than  a  string  of  smelts,  or  half  a  pint  of 
huckleberries ;  I  resolved  to  serenade  my  cousin 
Betsey  ;  I  procured  a  violin,  strung  with  the  daintiest 
filaments  ever  made 
from  the  bowels  of  the 
most  delicate  female 
feline  infant ;  I  repaired 
beneath  her  window 
and  commenced  my 
song,  but  the  butcher 
came  to  the  window, 
threw  down  a  dime,  and 
told  me  to  go  away ;  he 
took  me  for  an  organ- 
grinder  ;  I  indignantly 
stamped  the  money  into 
the  earth,  but  thought 


176  THE    OTETER    SmE. 

a^ain,  picked  it  up  and  purchased  some  brandy  to 
nerve  me  for  a  desperate  deed  ;  I  had  resolved  to  see 
that  butcher,  to  meet  that  butcher,  to  challenge  that 
butcher,  to  fight  that  butcher,  to  conquer  that 
butcher  or  to  die ;  yesterday  I  went  to  that  butcher's 
shop  to  execute  my  design,  but  he  kicked  me  out- 
To  day  I  came  in  here  in  despair ;  who  should  come 
in  but  the  butcher;  now  was  my  chance ;  I  rushed  at 
him,  but  my  personal  strength  was  not  equal  to  the 
task ;  he  boxed  my  ears,  pulled  my  nose,  and  I  was 
cheated  out  of  my  revenge,  simply  because  I  wasn't 
able  to  lick  him.  'Now  I  demand  of  this  intelligent 
assembly,  as  a  matter  of  right,  the  instant  annihila- 
tion of  the  one-eyed  butcher  now  present,  the  author 
of  all  my  miseries,  that  my  Betsey  may  be  restored 
to  me.' 

"  Mr.  Jenkins  sank  into  a  chair,  exhausted  by  his 
effort. 

"  The  butcher  wiped  his  chops  on  a  red  silk  hand- 
kerchief, and  then  proceeded  to  tell  his  story,  which 
was  as  follows,  as  appears  by  Wagstaff^s  notes  ; 

" '  This  here  feller's  allers  botherin'  my  wife, 
'cause  he  says  she's  his'n ;  yesterday  he  e^its  drunk, 
comes  in  my  place,  and  wants  to  fight  me.  I  told 
him  to  leave,  and  he  wouldn't,  so  I  hussled  him  out. 
I  happened  to  come  in  here  jus'  now,  and  he  comes 


OF  THE   STOET.  177 

at  me.  I  doubles  him  up,  and  that's  the  hull 
story.' 

"The  laconic  statement  of  the  one-eyed  stubby 
butcher  satisfied  the  parties  assembled  that  Mr.  Jen- 
kins's insane  pursuit  of  another  man's  wife  had  justly 
brought  upon  him  the  indignation  of  the  husband, 
and  he  was  advised  very  generally,  in  the  future,  to 
cease  all  importunities  of  a  similar  character. 

"  Finding  that  his  story  excited  no  sympathy  in 
his  behalf,  Mr.  Jenkins  left  the  place  in  disgust,  and 
the  three  Elephantines  soon  after  left  in  an  omnibus." 

Mr.  Spout  here  arose,  and  said  he  liked  the  story 
in  all  of  its  parts,  except  the  concluding  joke,  which 
he  considered  to  be,  not  only  unkind,  but  uncalled 
for.  He  should  take  the  liberty  of  considering  it 
expunged  from  the  records. 

Some  member  here  dared  to  suggest  that  it  was 
high  time  that  the  Higholdboy  should  do  something 
else  than  criticise  the  contributions  of  his  fellow- 
members. 

Mr.  Spout  desired  it  to  be  understood  that  he 
should  admit  of  no  dictation  from  inferiors ;  that  he 
should  exercise  his  own  discretion  in  deciding  whe- 
ther he  would  contribute  to  the  amusement  of  others, 
or  criticise  them  in  their  efforts  to  be  jolly.     Yet, 

without  giving  up  any  of  this  right,  he  would  volun- 
12 


178 


teer  to  lay  before  the  club,  on  tlie  present  occasion, 
a  matter  which,  to  him,  possessed  some  points  of 
interest,  and  as  he  didn't  care  whether  it  interested 
the  others  or  not,  he  should  state  facts  for  his  own 
amusement.  He  intended  to  laugh  at  everything 
which  he  thought  was  funny,  without  any  reference 
to  the  comfort  of  others. 

"The  circumstance  which  I  am  about  to  relate," 
said  Mr.  Spout,  "  is  one  in  which  a  friend  of  mine 
was  involved.  My  friend's  name,"  he  continued,  "is 
Bartholomew  Buxton.  He  is  the  owner  of  a  book- 
store, and  was  led  into  that  business  on  account  of  a 
thirst  for  reading.  He  is  a  man  of  about  thirty-five 
years,  and  his  whole  life  has  been  passed  in  poring 
over  books.  I  regard  him  as  a  man  of  very  rare 
intelligence,  though  his  intellect  is  not,  perhaps, 
very  fruitful  of  original  thoughts.  What  is  remark- 
able with  him  is  his  personal  appearance.  He  is  a 
little  man,  just  large  enough  to  be  entitled  to  enter 
the  army — ^that  is  to  say,  '  five-foot-four.'  His  body 
is  very  small,  and  his  head  very  large,  round,  and 
full.  His  hair  is  of  a  sandy  color,  and  of  the 
scratch  wig  order  of  cut.  His  eyes  are  small,  and  one 
of  them  s(5[uints  frightfully.  His  complexion  is  quite 
pale.  In  the  matter  of  dress,  he  wears  usually  a 
pair  of  pants  of  a  checker-board-pattern-on-a-large- 


CONTRIBUTION.  179 

scale  cloth,  blue  dress-coat,  ornamented  with  large 
fancy  brass  buttons,  and  a  vest — a  double-breaster — 
of  the  brightest  scarlet.  But  these  eccentricities  in 
apparel  would  hardly  attract  attention  so  long  as  the 
main  feature  of  his  dress  is  visible.  That  feature  is 
his  collar.  It  is  a  remarkable  collar — a  mighty  ram- 
part of  linen,  which  encircles  his  head  in  a  line 
with  the  centres  of  his  ears,  almost  meeting  in  his 
face.  [N'umerous  reasons  have  been  assigned  for  Mr. 
Buxton's  going  to  such  lengths  (or  rather  heights) 
in  his  indulgence  in  collar.,  One  idea  advanced  is, 
that  he  is  actuated  by  a  desire  to  economize  in  the 
expenses  of  washing,  and  to  do  this,  has  the  gar- 
ments made  in  such  a  way  as  to  be  convertible  into 
collars  at  either  end.  Another  suggestion  is,  that 
the  collar  is  a  matter  of  utility,  designed  by  Mr. 
Buxton  to  economize  physical  strength,  which,  inas- 
much as  his  head  is  very  large  and  his  body  very 
small,  must  be  overtaxed  to  hold  his  ponderous 
brain-box  erect. 

"Gentlemen,  three  days  since  I  received  a  call 
froni  my  friend  Buxton.  He  appeared  melancholy 
and  dejected,  which  surprised  me;  but  what  sur- 
prised me  more,  in  respect  to  his  present  appearance, 
was  the  manifest  disarrangement  of  his  collar.  It 
flid  not  stand  up  on  one  side  with  the  majestic  erect- 


l^'"^  MK.   BUXTON 

neas  which,  characterized  it  on  the  other.  On  the 
left  it  was  hanging  down  flabbily ;  its  self-sustaining 
power  was  departed; 

*'I  saw,  by  his  countenance,  that  something 
important  to  him  had  occurred,  and  the  appearance 
of  his  collar  only  tended  to  confirm  my  suspicions. 
I  accordingly  asked  him  what  was  the  trouble. 

"  *  Trouble,'  said  he,  *  enough  of  it.  Sir,'  he  con- 
tinued, '  last  night  I  was  locked  up  in  a  cell  at  the 
station-house,  for  exercising  the  privileges  of  a  free- 
man— a  native  American  citizen.  I  was  arrested, 
and  violently  dragged  off  to  that  cell,  where  I 
remained  last  night,  and  this  morning  was  tried 
before  the  magistrate,  only,  however,  to  be  acquitted. 
What  made  it  worse  was,  that  I  should  be  arrested 
with  a  nigger,  and  be  tried  with  a  nigger,  and 
acquitted  with  a  nigger.  He  was  a  huge  nigger — a 
colossal  nigger — a  nigger  fully  six  feet  and  four 
inches  in  height ;  his  face  betrayed  no  evidence  of 
light — it  was  all  shade  ;  he  was  a  nigger,  above  all 
others,,  so  black,  that  he  would  make  an  excellent 
drum-major  to  a  funeral  procession,  if  custom  sanc- 
tioned the  employment  of  that  non-commissioned 
official  on  such  occasions.  Inasmuch,  however,  as 
custom  doesn't  do  any  such  thing,  the  next  best  use 
to  which  the  sable  giant  could  be  put,  would  ie  to 


AND   THE    NIGGEE.  181 

make  his  face  the  figurehead  of  a  Broadway  mourn 
ing  store ;  with  the  exception  of  his  large  size  and 
remarkable  black  face,  the  nigger  in  question  looked 
very  much  like  other  niggers  not  in  question.  He 
was  a  nigger,  in  fact,  who  gave  as  his  name  the  half- 
classic  and  half-descriptive  appellation  of  Cesar  Free- 
man. I  have  always  been  a  "  woolly-head  "  until 
now,  but  may  I  be  bursted  if  I  don't  go  and  join 
the  Know  Nothings  to-morrow,  and  begin  a  crusade 
against  all  niggers — particularly  nigger-giants  and 
nigger  women. 

" '  How  did  this  occur  V  I  inquired,  anxiously. 

""^ril  tell  you,'  said  he.  'But  before  doing  so 
however,  I  desire  to  state  a  fact.  We  have  all  our 
human  weaknesses ;  indeed,  it  may  be  set  down  as  a 
truism  that  human  beings  do  have  human  weaknesses 
to  a  greater  or  less  extent ;  I  am  a  human  being ;  I 
have  my  human  weakness,  and  that  weakness  is  my 
collars ;  it  required  years  of  experiment  to  bring  my 
collars  to  their  present  perfection ;  nearly  all  of  the 
quarrels  I  ever  had  have  been  with  laundresses  who 
have  failed  to  do  them  up  to  my  liking ;  if  a  man 
wishes  to  ruffle  my  temper  he  need  only  to  ruffle  my 
collar,  and  it  is  accomplished ;  tell  me  the  Savings 
Bank,  where  I  deposit  my  extra  money,  has  collapsed 
m  the  region  of  the  money-vault ;  tell  me  that  I  have 


182  SHANGHAE   COATS. 

got  to  attend  a  charity  ball ;  give  me  the  jumping 
toothache ;  place  me  in  a  Bowery  stage  with  fourteen 
inside,  and  I  in  juxtaposition  to  a  dirty  woman  with 
a  squalling  baby  who  has  got  the  seven  years'  itch — 
all  of  these  I  can  bear,  but  when  it  comes  to  inter- 
fere with  my  collars  it  is  going  a  point  too  far.    I^Tow 
I  come  to  the  time  when  unforeseen  circumstances 
brought  me  in  violent  collision  with  this  nigger  of 
African  extraction ;  I  was  walking  down  the  street, 
near  where  the  belligerent  demonstration  took  place, 
when  I  saw  directly  in  front  of  me  a  long-tailed  man  in 
an  amiable-appearing  coat — no — an  amiable-appear- 
ing coat  in  a  long-tailed — no — I  mean  an  amiable 
appearing  man  in  a  long-tailed  coat.    For  my  life  I 
could  not  conceive  why  that  amiable  individual's 
proclivities  in  matters  of  apparel  should  lead  him  to 
wear  a  garment  of  so  ridiculous  a  cut.    I  had  just 
come  to  the  sage   conclusion  that  it  was  because 
every  donkey  in  the  country  chooses  to  have  his  hips 
appear  high  or  low  to  suit  the  caprice  of  Broadway 
tailors,  when  at  that  moment  the  amiable  person, 
together  with  his  long-tailed  coat,  was  driven  from 
my  mind.    I  became  suddenly  conscious  that  an  im- 
portant: event  had  transpired.     An  elderly  female  nig- 
ger, in  throwing  water  on  a  store-window  which  she 
was  cleaning,  did  not  confine  her  professional  favors 


A  GRATUITOtrS  BAPTISM.  183 

exclusively  to  tlie  window  for  wliicli  slie  had  been 
hired,  but  she  disbursed  copious  supplies  of  Croton 
upon  the  passers-by,  for  which  she  had  not  been 
hired.  In  fact,  I  am  bold  to  assert,  that  several 
persons  were  favored  with  several  gratuitous  duck- 
ings by  this  colored  female.  I  was  one  of  those 
persons;  a  bountiful  current  of  water  interrupted 
the  current  of  my  thoughts;  like  a  juvenile  Nia- 
gara, it  dashed  against  my  collar  in  the  left  side, 
as  you  can  see.  •  Now,  my  collar  is  impervious  to 
perspiration,  but  it  could  not  stand  up  under  the 
soaking  of  a  cataract ;  as  my  collar  fell  my  choler 
rose  ;  I  looked  around  at  the  sable  author  of  my 
troubles,  and  I  saw  on  her  face  an  exultant  grin  at 
what  she  had  done.  I  felt  as  if  I  would  like  to  have 
crammed  a  wet  broom  which  she  had  in  her  hand 
down  her  throat,  splint  end  downwards;  for  obvious 
reasons  I  did  not  do  this ;  but  I  did  speak  to  her  in 
language  expressive  of  my  emphatic  disapprobation 
of  the  unasked- for  and  informal  baptism  with  which 
she  had  been  pleased  to  favor  me;  I  suppose  my 
words  must  have  frightened  her;  at  any  rate  she 
fell  off  from  a  stool  on  which  she  was  elevated  ;  she 
gave  a  scream ;  this  black  Hercules  came  down  the 
stairs ;  she  informed  him  that  I  had  insulted  her  ;  lie 
looked  at  me  with  his  teeth  grinning  as  if  he  would 


184  CONFLICT  BETWEEN 

like  to  have  eaten  me  without  gravy  or  condiment ; 
he  gave  one  diabolical  grin,  and  then  came  at  me.  I 
am  not  pugnacious ;  a  lamb-like  inofFensiveness  has 
ever  been  my  prominent  characteristic;  I  have  a 
constitutional  repugnance  to  a  figlit,  either  with  wea- 
pons natural  or  artificial ;  if  loaded  fire-arms  are 
around  I  never  feel  so  safe  as  when  I  see  the  butt-ends 
pointed  at  my  vital  parts ;  though  not  a  member  of 
the  Peace  Society,  yet  that  society  has  ever  had  in 
me  an  ardent  sympathizer;  peaceful  though  I  be^ 
yet,  when  the  sleeping  lion  within  me  is  aroused,  I 
know  no  bounds  to  my  rage,  and  1  insist  upon  going 
about,  seeking  whom  I  may  devour ;  I  saw  the  belli- 
gerent attitude  of  my  enemy;  he  struck  me;  we 
grappled ;  an  insatiable  desire  to  taste  the  flesh  of  a 
colored  man  at  that  instant  seized  upon  me;  in  a 
moment  the  digits  of  his  right  hand  were  between 
my  teeth ;  I  know  that  for  a  moment  or  two  hostili- 
ties were  active ;  I  became  conscious,  too,  that  hos- 
tilities ceased ;  I  soon  learned  the  cause  ;  the  cause 
was  the  arrival  of  two  policemen,  who  are  always 
around  when  they  shouldn't  be,  and  never  when 
they  should.    I  was  brought  to  the  station-house.' 

"  *  "Well,  what  took  place  before  the  court  V I  asked. 

**  *  At  seven  this  morning,'  said  Buxton,  *  we  were 
brought  before  the  judge,  and  put  in  a  pen :  on  one 


BUXTON  AND  THE  DAEKET.  185 

side  of  me  was  the  aforesaid  nigger,  and  on  the  other 
side  a  disgusting  piece  of  feminine  humanity  ;  an  im- 
portation from  Ireland,  who  had  just  come  off  from  a 
bender.  Our  names  were  finally  called,  the  nigger*3 
first,  by  all  that's  holy.  Two  officers  who  arrested 
us  were  the  witnesses;  they  testified  that  on  last 
evening,  about  dusk,  they  were  engaged  in  conversa- 
tion on  the  corner  of  a  street  which  forms  the  bound- 
ary line  between  their  respective  beats,  when  they 
saw  a  crowd  collected  on  the  sidewalk,  about  a 
square  above  ;  they  ran  there,  and  they  saw  me  and 
the  nigger  engaged  in  a  fight;  they  said  that  the 
nigger  was  striking  me  violently  with  his  left  fist ;  his 
right  hand  was  between  my  teeth,  while  I  was  kick- 
ing and  striking  the  nigger  very  generally  and  pro- 
miscuously, and  a  nigger  woman  who  was  present 
was  laying  the  blows  on  me  with  a  broom  whenever 
she  could ;  at  that  moment  they  arrested  me  and 
the  nigger;  it  required  all  their  strength  to  secure 
us,  such  was  the  violence  of  our  efforts  to  get 
away ;  hence  they  were  unable  to  take  the  woman 
into  custody. 

"^The  judge  showed  the  cussed  bad  taste  to  ask 
the  nigger  to  make  his  statement  first.  The  nigger 
said  that  I  had  insulted  his  wife,  and  had  made  im- 
proper proposals  to  her ;  that  made  me  wrathy  ;  I 


186  BUXTON    DISCHAEGED. 

told  him  that  he  was  guilty  of  uttering  a  falsehood 
befwe  the  court;  emphatically  pronounced  his  asser- 
tion relative  to  my  making  an  insulting  proposal  to 
that  feminine  lump  of  animated  charcoal,  with  whom 
he  very  properly  cohabited,  to  be  an  unequivocal  lie ; 
I  am  no  controversalist,  and  still  less  would  I  descend 
from  my  exalted  height  to  engage  in  a  controversy 
with  that  herculean  African,  especially  after  endur- 
ing the  perspiration,  which,  despite  my  frantic 
efforts  to  the  contrary,  I  was  compelled  to  suffer 
during  a  hot  night,  in  a  cell  where  any  respectable 
thermometer,  if  it  could  be  induced  to  go  into  the 
cell  once,  if  it  was  anything  at  all,  would  be  a 
hundred  at  least ;  yes,  sir,'  he  continued,  *  and  should 
you  ever  have  a  morbid  desire  to  enter  into  contro- 
versy, recline  your  heated  form  of  a  hot  night  in  the 
cell  which  I  occupied,  and  by  morning  you  will 
insist  upon  retiring  into  some  secluded  spot,  from 
which  secluded  spot  you  can  look  dispassionately  and 
unmoved  upon  the  moral  strifes  of  the  world. 

"  '  Well,  the  up-shot  of  the  matter  was  that  both 
of  us  were  discharged.' 

"I  gave  Mr.  Buxton  what  consolation  I  could, 
after  which  he  took  his  departure  to  put  on  a  new 
collar." 

When  Mr.  Spout  had  concluded  his  narration,  he 


THE  ADJOTJENMENT.  18 /" 

proceeded  to  awaken  such  of  tlie  members  of  the 
clu"b  as  were  still  present,  telling  them  that  it  was 
time  to  go  home.  But  he  did  not  succeed  in  fully 
arousing  them  to  an  appreciation  of  the  lateness  of 
the  hour,  until  he  had  put  ice  into  their  boot-legs  and 
shirt-bosoms. 


'$1^  Cliih  h  m  SpOTt 


How  doth  the  little  busy  bee 
Improve  each  shining  hour 

And  gather  honey  all  the  day 
From  every  opening 


©ntttitrh 


nine  o'clock  one 
evening,  the  members  of  the  club  had  casually  con- 
vened in  the  club-room,  although  no  notice  had  been 
given  that  they  wero  to  assemble  on  that  occasion. 
The  only  absentee  was  Johnny  Cake,  but  this  created 
no  surprise,  as  the  wonder  was,  not  why  any  member 
was  absent,  but  why  so  many  were  present. 

An  hour  was  passed  in  discussing  the  current 
events  of  the  day,  when  some  member  suggested, 
that  if  anybody  had  anything  to  offer,  either  amusing 
or  instructive,  an  excellent  opportunity  was  now 
afforded. 

It  so  happened  that  Mr.  Eemington  D;^opp^  l**^d 


SOUTH    FEKET    STAGES.  189 

in  Bis  pocket  a  quantity  of  foolscap,  on  which  he 
had  written  a  statement  of  certain  experience,  with 
which  he  had  been  favored  on  the  previous  day. 

A  general  wish  was  expressed  that  Mr.  Dropper 
might  make  himself  useful  in  the  exigency.  He 
consented,  and  after  the  members  had  lighted  their 
pipes,  the  barkeeper  had  been  signalized  for  eight 
whisky-punches,  and  the  Higholdboy  had  seated 
himself  in  his  chair,  the  meeting  was  declared  to  be 
duly  organized. 

Mr.  Dropper  commenced : 

"  Yesterday,"  said  he,  "  I  had  the  pleasure  of  see- 
ing our  favorite  quadruped  as  he  appeared  on 
Broadway,  from  an  omnibus,  whilst  on  a  voyage 
from  the  South  Ferry  to  Union  Square.  At  half- 
past  two  o'clock  I  went  over  the  ferry  to  Hamilton 
Avenue,  Brooklyn.  Having  transacted  my  business, 
set  out  on  my  return,  jumped  aboard  the  ferry-boat 
and  was  soon  on  the  New  York  side  ;  stepped  outside 
the  gate,  when  I  was  beset  by  two  dozen  different 
omnibus  agents,  and  as  many"  different  drivers. 
'  Here  y'ar,  right  up  Broadway.'  '  "Wide  awake,  'ere 
Bower'  un'  Gran'  street.'  '  Right  up  Broadway, 
pixth  Avenue.'  'Here's  Broad'ay,  Bleeck'  street, 
im'  Eigh  tha venue.'  '  Here  y'ar  Bowery  un'  Oustoii 
street.' 


190  BEGINNING 

"'I  want  to  go  to  Greenwich  Avenue,'  said  a 
timid  old  gentleman. 

" '  Here  y'ar,'  said  the  agent,  as  he  took  the  old 
gentleman  by  the  seat  of  his  pantaloons,  and  threw 
him  head  first  into  an  East  Broadway  stage. 

"  The  old  gentleman,  as  soon  as  he  could  recover 
from  his  astonishment,  looked  out  of  the  window  at 
the  agent. 

" '  Sir,'  said  he,  •  does  this  stage  carry  me  to 
Greenwich  Avenue  V 

" '  Certing,'  was  the  prompt  reply,  "  you'll  get 
there,  never  fear.  Here's  Eas'  Broadway  un'  Dry 
Dock.' 

"  '  "Where  do  you  want  to  go  madam  V  asked  the 
ISTinth  Avenue  stage-agent  of  a  lady  accompanied 
by  a  little  boy. 

" '  To  the  Crystal  Palace,'  said  the  lady. 

" '  Here  y'ar  then,'  said  he,  as  he  placed  her  in  the 
stage  which  probably  stopped  fully  three  quarters  of 
a  mile  from  the  place. 

"  At  last,  all  the  persons  desiring  to  ride  had  secured 
seats  in  stages,  but  whether  the  stages  they  desired 
is  quite  doubtful.  I  jumped  in  a  Broadway  and 
Fourteenth  street  stage,  the  agent  gave  the  door 
two  slams,  and  off  we  started.  The  passengei's  were 
an  old  maid  with  a  poodle  dog,  a  young  miss  who 


OF    MISHAPS.  191 

had  j  ust  put  on  a  long  dress,  a  German,  an  old  buffer 
wlio  occupied  space  for  two,  and  myself.  Suddenly 
we  stopped  in  Whitehall  street,  on  our  larboard  side 
we  find  ourselves  caught  against  a  Sixth  Avenue 
stage  coming  down,  and  our  starboard  quarter  caught 
against  the  hubs  of  a  cart.  Carman  apologetic — 
Sixth  Avenue  stage-driver  affable.  Passengers 
frightened.  Maiden  lady  with  poodle  dog  exclaimed, 
*  Oh,  dear  me  !'  Poodle  dog  barked.  Fat  gentle- 
man thought  that  stage-drivers  now-a-days  were 
growing  too  careless.  Got  under  way.  Sighted 
Bowling  Green  off  our  port  bow.  Female  from 
Ireland  with  native  infant  hailed  the  vehicle.  Dri- 
ver stopped.  Female  from  Ireland  tumbled  up  the 
steps.  Driver  slammed  the  door,  which  struck  the 
female  from  Ireland  a  severe  blow  in  the  rear. 
Result,  female  from  Ireland  lying  prostrate  on  the 
floor,  and  native  infant  lying  around  loose  on  the 
person  of  the  old  maid,  in  the  particular  premises 
claimed  by  the  poodle  dog.  Poodle  dog  barked  and 
snapped  at  native  infant ;  native  infant  cried.  Old 
maid  scolds  female  from  Ireland.  Female  from  Ire- 
land takes  up  native  infant,  and  anathematizes  poodle 
dog.  Fat  gentleman  suggests  that  it's  all  the  result 
of  the  recklessness  of  the  driver.  Old  lady  and 
female  from  Ireland  pacified.     German  female,  with 


192  THE    MILITAEY. 

a  basket  of  dirty  clothes,  seeks  admittance.  Driver 
accommodating.  Enter  German  female,  and  exit 
myself.  Take  my  position  on  top  with  the  driver. 
Band  of  music  heard  in  the  direction  of  Wall  street. 
Target  company  turn  into  Broadway.  Inebriated 
negro  carrying  a  target,  on  which  is  inscribed, 
'  Michael  Flinn  Guard,  Capt.  Pat.  Sweeny.'  Horse 
attached  to  a  buggy  coming  down  Broadway,  unused 
to  military  demonstrations — unaccustomed  to  the 
noises  of  sixteen  German  gentlemen,  making  frantic 
efforts  to  blow  their  brains  out  through  brass  horns. 
Horse  rears  and  plunges  into  the  rank  and  file  of  the 
Michael  Flinn  Guard.  Consternation  of  the  infantry 
at  an  unexpected  attack  from  the  cavalry.  Cavalry 
triumphant.  .  Michael  Flinn  Guard  commence  throw- 
ing stones  at  individual  in  the  buggy.  Individual 
drives  off.  Plethoric  German  scrapes  himself  up, 
and  finds  the  starch  entirely  taken  out  of  his  ophi- 
cleide.  German  with  light  moustache  has  lost  the 
mouth-piece  of  his  E  flat  saxe  horn  ;  Michael  Flinn 
Guards  endeavoring  to  find  their  arms,  Irish  corpo- 
ral unable  to  discover  his  bayonet.  First  lieutenant 
finds  his  sword  run  through  the  tenor  drum. 
Ambitious  j)rivate  finds  the  pewter  cake-basket  he 
won  as  a  prize,  with  the  butt  end  of  a  musket  through 
it.     Guns  in  several  instances  in  fragments ;  swords 


THE    LAGEE    BIER    TNVINCIBLE8.  193 

broken;  brass  liorns  disjointed,  and,  as  a  conse- 
quence, music  non  est.  By  general  consent,  Michael 
Flinn  Guards  break  ranks  and  disperse.  Lady' with 
hoop  skirts  hails  the  driver.  Driver  again  obliging. 
Enter  hoop  skirts.  Gentleman  with  a  baby-wagon 
hails  driver.  'Whoa-'p.'  Astonishing  driver.  Gen- 
tleman lifts  up  the  baby-wagon  on  the  top.  Driver 
receives  it,  and  gently  smashes  it  in  pieces.  Gentle- 
man, gets  inside.  Dropsical  individual  on  the  star- 
board quarter  hails  us.  The  gentleman  enters,  and 
again  we  are  under  way.  Teutonic  target  company 
turn  into  Broadway  from  Courtlandt  street — *The 
Lager  Bier  Invincibles,  Capt  Conrad  Kiinzmiiller.' 
Suddenly  find  ourselves  smashed  up  amid  a  perfect 
labyrinth  of  carts,  stages,  buggies,  wagons,  horses, 
mules,  cotton  bales,  boxes,  furniture,  drivers, 
policemen,  passengers,  pedestrians,  &c.  A  wagon- 
load  of  dirt  on  our  port  side — wagon-driver  unso- 
phisticated; unused  to  driving  in  New  York.  In 
advance  a  cart  having  two  bales  of  hay  on  board. 
Our  horses,  having  nothing  else  to  do,  make  efforts 
to  get  at  the  hay.  Our  driver  again  accommodating. 
He  gets  down  and  unchecks  the  horses.  Horses  pro- 
ceed to  make  inroads  upon  property  not  belonging  to 
the  omnibus  company.  Carman  discovers  the  lar- 
ceny. Indignant  carman.  Hits  our  horses  over  the 
13 


194 


THE   FAT   GENTLEMAN. 


head  with  the  butt  end  of  his  whip.  Eeciprocal 
indignation.  Our  driver  gives  carman  a  cut  across 
his  proboscis  with  a  long  lash.  ' 

"  Our  progress  continues. 

"  Fat  gentleman  impatient.  Eeasserts  his  previ- 
ously-expressed conviction,  that  the  stage  is  an  impo- 
sition: says  he'll  get  out.  Driver  insists  on  pay- 
ment. Fat  gentleman  passes  up  a  quarter.  Driver 
passes  him  back  a  ten-cent  piece  and  eight  cents. 
Fat  gentleman  insists  that  he  is  swindled  to 
the  extent  of  one  cent,  which  he  demands.  Dri- 
ver very  obliging,  and  'don't  he  wish  he  may 
get  it."     Fat  gentleman  gets  out,  but  finds  himself 

completely  surrounded  by 

vehicles,  and  without  a  pos- 

llM^^^^Zj^^^^^   sibility   of   being  able    to 

f^T^^gJ^^^^r     reach     the    curbstone    in 

llV^^^ffl^^JP^^^^^  safety,  concludes  to  enter 

IA^^IWw^   Widf^^  the  stage  again.      Driver 

refuses  to  open  the  door. 

Fat  gentleman  demands  to 
be  admittted.  Driver  says  he'll  see  him  bio  wed 
first.  Fat  gentleman  frantic,  but  driver  incorrigible. 
At  last  fat  gentleman  gets  on  his  hands  and  knees, 
and,  after  crawling  under  a  team  of  horses  and  the 
tails   of  two  carts,  reaches  the  sidewalk.      Again 


OLD    MAID    FAINTS.  195 

moving.  Irish  female  with  native  infant  pulls  the 
strap.  Driver  accommodating.  Female  inquires  if 
this  is  a  Bowery  stage.  Driver  says  no.  Female 
insists  upon  getting  out.  Driver  insists,  with  equal 
warmth,  that,  as  a  prior  condition,  she  mlist  disgorge 
a  sixpence.  Female  indisposed  to  comply.  Old 
maid  with  the  poodle  dog  gives  the  strap  three  con- 
vulsive jerks.  'Whoa-'p.'  Old  maid  says  that 
native  infant,  belonging  to  female  from  Ireland,  has 
the  ship  fever.  Female  from  Ireland  indignantly 
denies  the  statement,  and  says  that  it  is  onl/y  the  itch. 
Old  maid  swoons.  Poodle  dog  barks  at  all  the  pas- 
sengers generally,  and  the  female  from  Ireland  par- 
ticularly. Dropsical  gentleman  puts  some  smelling- 
salts  under  the  nose  of  old  maid.  Happy  result. 
Old  maid  revives,  and  asks  if  anybody  beside  herself 
was  injured  by  the  explosion.  Sight  Fulton  street 
off  our  starboard  bow.  Enter  Fifth  Avenue  and 
Amity  street  stages,  E.  1st  Entrance.  Exit  L'ish 
porter  with  a  load  of  band-boxes,  L.  1st  Entrance, 
in  time  to  save  his  bacon  and  band-boxes.  New  fea- 
ture coming  up  Fulton  street  from  the  East  Eiver — 
'  The  Sour  Krout  Guards,  Captain  Wilhelm  Stein,' 
in  return  from  target  excursion.  Still  another  fea- 
ture coming  up  Fulton  street  from  North  Eiver — 
*  The  Patrick  Gaffney  Grenadiers,  Captain  Timothy 


196  BATTLE    OF    BROADWAY. 

Lealiej/  on  a  return  from  target  excursion.  Two 
companies  approach  one  another..  Menacing  looks  on 
the  part  of  the  Sour  Krout  Guards.  Bellicose  atti 
tude  of  the  Gaffney  Grenadiers.  Belligerent  mani- 
festation of  the  Sour  Krouts ;  corporal  of  the  Gaif- 
neys  throws  a  brick  at  the  Sour  Krouts.  Sour 
Ej-outs  boiling  over  with  indignation,  make  a  demon- 
stration. Both  companies  unused  to  the  man- 
agement of  firelocks,  but  accustomed  to  war  and 
carnage.  They  lay  down  their  arms  and  take  up 
their  fists.  General,  promiscuous,  and  miscellaneous 
shoulder-hitting  by  the  strength  of  both  companies. 
Enter  third  party.  Mad  bull  rushes  down  Broadway 
and  pitches  into  the  hottest  of  the  fight,  with  horns 
down  and  tail  up.  Sour  Krouts  and  Gaffneys  in 
consternation  fly  from  the  scene  of  the  struggle  in 
all  directions.  Mad  bull  makes  a  descent  into  a 
mock  auction  shop.  Stool  pigeons  and  auctioneer 
all  knocked  down  without  a  bidder.  Sudden  fall  in 
pinchbeck  watches.  Bull  stands  for  a  moment  in  a 
contemplative  mood  over  the  devastation,  and  then 
walks  away  with  a  dignified  air.  Barnum's  in  sight. 
Lady  and  three  children  get  inside.  Female  from 
[reland  with  native  infant  concludes  to  pay  the  six- 
pence and  get  out.  Astor  House  in  the  usual  place. 
Barclay  street  in  the  distance.     By  way  of  variety. 


AN   lEISH   FUNERAL  PKOCESSION.  197 

a  company  turn  into  Broadway,  'The  Tugmutton 
Terribles,  Captain  Friglitful  Buster,'  in  a  return 
from  a  target  excursion  at  Hoboken.  The  captain 
elevated,  lieutenants  inebriated,  privates  intoxicated, 
the  nigger  target-bearer  drunk — ^effect  of  having 
eaten  too  many  ham  sandwiches.  Stage  again  immo 
bile.  Two  Hoosiers  get  inside,  and  ask  the  driver  to 
stop  at  the  St.  Nicholas  Tavern.  Funeral  proces- 
sion comiDg  down  Broadway.  Forty-nine  carriages. 
Learned  that  the  remains  of  Dennis  Hooligan,  the 
keeper  of  a  corner  grocery  in  Hammersley  street, 
were  being  conveyed  to  their  last  resting-place. 
Just  as  the  hearse  reaches  Anthony  street  a  ponder- 
ous cart  crosses  Broadway.  "Wheels  fifteen  feet  in 
diameter.  Steamboat  boiler  suspended  under  the 
axletree.  Majestic  vehicle  fetches  up  all  standing 
against  a  cart  loaded  with  flour.  Fall  in  breadstuffs. 
Prodigal  distribution  of  flour.  Hearse  and  funeral 
procession  in  close  proximity. 

"  Yehicles  accumulate.  Great  commotion  among 
drivers.  Proce^ion  mixed  up  in  an  indiscriminate 
verbal  war.  At  last  hearse  manages  to  go  down 
towards  the  Five  Points.  The  procession  succeeds 
in  getting  out  by  turning  in  the  other  direction, 
except  the  rear  portion,  which,  to  my  knowledge, 
never  go^  out.     Once  more  under  way,  and  making 


198  ONE   CENT  SHORT. 

good  time.  Man  with,  a  gold-headed  cane  stops  the 
stage,  and  passes  np  a  five-cent  piece.  Driver 
swears,  and  advises  him  to  ride  in  the  cars  hereafter. 
Driver  suggests  that  he  is  full  ten  minutes  behind 
time,  and  is  bound  to  make  it  up.  Lays  on  the  lash, 
much  to  the  surprise  of  the  animals.  Driver  pulls 
up  in  front  of  the  St.  Nicholas  Hotel,  and  announces 
the  spot  through  the  money-hole.  ITobody  essays  to 
pass  up  any  fare.  Driver  repeats  the  announcement. 
ISTobody  moves.  Driver  inquires,  impatiently,  if 
there  ain't '  two  fellers  inside  wot  wanted  to  git  out  at 
the  St.  Nicholas  Hotel.'  Still  no  reply.  Again  the 
inquiry.  One  of  the  Hoosiers  said  he  asked  him  to 
*  stop  at  the  St.  Nicholas  tarvern,  'cause  why,  'cause 
he  wanted  to  see  It.  He'd  seen  it  enough ;  it  was  a 
purty  nice  tarvern,  he  reckoned,  and  he  might  drive 
on.'  Driver  gave  the  horses  an  extra  cut,  and  we 
move  again.  Asthmatic  party  pulls  the  strap. 
After  feeling  in  all  of  his  pockets  for  two  minutes, 
informs  the  driver  that  he  left  his  porte-monnaie  in. 
his  other  pantaloons.  Driver  says  tMj  story  won't  go 
down— that  the  game  is  too  old.  Party  tries  to  make 
his  exit,  but  the  door  won't  open,  the  driver  holding 
hard  on  the  strap.  Asthmatic  party  threatens  to 
horsewhip  driver.  Driver  says,  'any  time  when 
conwenyent  he  hoped  he'll  make  the  trial.'    Driver 


MODERATE   FARE.  199 

about  to  start,  when  asthmatic  party  pulls  out  hig 
jack-knife  and  cuts  the  strap.  Asthmatic  party 
triumphs.  Driver,  frantic  with  rage,  throws  ah 
apple  at  asthmatic  party,  and  hits  asthmatic  party 
on  his  knowledge-box.  Asthmatic  party  falls,  and 
upsets  an  apple-stand.  Celtic  female,  the  proprietor 
of  the  apple-stand,  hits  asthmatic  party  with  a  brick. 
Both  parties  close  in,  and  fight  amid  the  ruins  of  the 
apple-stand.  Driver  starts  the  horses,  but  looks 
around  to  watch  the  fight.  Horses  sheer  off  to  the 
starboard,  and  the  hub  of  the  hind  wheel  breaks 
down  a  lamp-post.  Driver  observes  policeman 
approaching  at  a  rapid  speed.  ]^o  time  to  survey 
the  ruins,  so  he  applies  the  lash,  and  we  move  away 
from  the  scene  of  the  mishap  at  a  speed  ominous  ef 
swift  destruction  to  horse-shoes  and  wagon-tires. 
Female,  with  three  children,  calls  out  to  stop,  and 
passes  up  a  three-dollar  bill.  Driver  inquires  if  she 
hasn't  got  any  change.  Female  gives  a  negative 
response.  Driver  gives  change  in  small  pieces, 
retaining  as  fare  the  moderate  sum  of  seventy-five 
cents  for  a  woman  and  three  children.  Woman 
attempts  to  count  the  change.  Driver  sings  out  to 
'  Hurry  up  —  behind  time  —  can't  wait  all  day.' 
Female  bewildered,  leaves  with  her  children,  and 
driver  whips    up    the    horses,   remarking  that  he 


200 


*•  guesses  she'll  learn,  atVer  a  wliile,  not  to  pass  up 
bills  for  stage-fare.'  Soon  reach  Union  Square. 
Tell  the  driver  I'll  get  off.  Offer  him  a  sixpence. 
Driver  says,  '  he'll  not  take  a  cent ;  that  if  there  ever 
was  a  nout-'n'-outer,  I'm  one,  and  he  hopes  that  it 
won't  be  the  last  time  we'll  meet ;  and  if  he  only 
had  time,  he  wouldn't  let  mo  off  without  treatin' 
me.'  I  thanked  him  for  his  good  opinion,  shook 
hands,  and  jumped  off  the  box. 

"Thus,    gentlemen,"    concluded    Mr.    Dropper, 
"  ends  the  history  of  my  voyage  on  an  "omnibus." 

Mr.  Quackenbush  arose,  and  stated  that  he 
regarded  Mr.  Dropper's  paper  as  a  valuable  addition 
to  the  historical  writings  of  the  country.  He  there- 
fore moved  that  a  gold  medal  be  prepared  by  a  com- 
mittee of  the  club,  of  which  the  Higholdboy  should 
not  be  an  ex-officio  member,  for  presentation  to  Mr. 
Dropper.  Mr.  Dropper  to  pay  the  whole  expense 
of  procuring  the  same,  and  to  stand  a  champagne 
supper  for  the  honor  conferred  on  him. 

The  motion  was  carried  with  only  one  dissenting 
voice — that  of  Mr.  Dropper,  who  said  he  didn't  want 
any  such  expensive  and  equivocal  honors. 

The  presiding  officer  informed  Mr.  Dropper  that 
he  was  fined  three  cents  for  contempt  of  club. 

Over  an  hour  was  now  passed  in  a  state  of  inac- 


MEAJTS    TO  PREVENT   ADJOURNMENT.  201 

tivity.  Some  of  the  members  slept  and  some  didn't. 
As  a  means  of  inducing  excitement  of  some  kind,  a 
member  signalized  the  institution  on  the  first  floor 
for  pork  and  beans  for  the  entire  crowd.  This  was 
promptly  answered,  and  for  a  time  the  club  had 
enough  to  engage  its  attention.  After  the  aforesaid 
luxuries  had  been  duly  disposed  of,  the  members 
proceeded  to  take  seats,  lie  on  the  floor,  prop  them- 
selves against  the  wall,  and  hang  themselves  up  on  a 
peg,  as  best  suited  their  independent  fancies.  The 
presiding  officer  announced  that  the  rules  on  this 
occasion  would  be  enforced  strictly  Accordingly, 
each  individual  present  began  to  do  exactly  what 
pleased  him,  without  any  regard  to  the  comfort, 
convenience,  or  personal  predilections  of  anybody 
else.  The  Higholdboy  first  secured  the  left  boot  of 
every  member  present.     After  pulling  a  boot  on  each 

leg  of  the  table,  he  put 
one  on  each  of  his  hands, 
^g  like  a  gauntlet,  and  then 
1^  laid  the  seventh  on  the 
table.  The  object  of  Mr, 
«=^  Spout,  in  pursuing  this 
eccentric  course  of  conduct,  soon  became  apparent, 
^vhen  he  laid  himself  on  the  table,  using  the  afore- 
said solitary  boot  as  a  pillow,  it  being  manifest  that 


202  OVERDALE  S   JUGGLING. 

lie  desired  to  preclude  the  possibility  of  an  adjourn* 
ment  during  the  nap,  and  inasmuch  as  it  would  be 
found  inconvenient  for  the  members  to  leave  the 
premises  with  but  a  single  pedal  covering,  and  as  it 
would  be  impossible  for  a  member  to  secure  the 
other,  without  awakening  the  most  venerable  and 
exceedingly  somnolent  Higholdboy,  it  will  be  appa- 
rent to  the  credulous  reader  that  Mr.  Spout's  idea 
was  quite  ingenious. 

Under  these  circumstances,  each  member  deter- 
mined to  make  himself  as  comfortable  as  the  time, 
the  place,  and  the  conveniences  would  admit  of. 

Mr.  Boggs  was  lying  flat  on  his  back,  trying  to 
drink  a  hot  whisky-punch  without  breaking  the 
tumbler,  spilling  the  liquor,  or  getting  the  sugar 
inside  his  whiskers.  Mr.  Overdale  was.  learning 
"juggling  without  a  master,"  and  was  endeavoring 
to  spin  plates  on  his  whalebone  cane.  In  striving  to 
acquire  this  elegant  accomplishment,  he  had  broken 
all  the  dishes  in  the  premises.  As  he  varied  his 
plate-spinning  endeavors  with  repeated  trials  at 
tossing  the  cups  and  balls,  for  which  purpose  he 
used  the  tumblers  and  coffee-cups,  and  as,  whenever 
he  caught  one  cup,  he  dropped  two,  and  stepped  on 
the  fragments,  the  ^ork  of  demolition  went  bravely 
on. 


FREAKS  OF  THE  MEMBEE8.  203 

Mr.  Van  Dam  amused  himself  by  blacking  the 
faces  of  all  the  pictiires  in  the  room  with  charcoal. 
Dennis  employed  himself  for  an  hour  and  a  half  in 
whittling  off  with  a  jack-knife  one  leg  of  every 
chair  in  the  apartment,  so  as  to  make  it  four  inches 
shorter  than  the  rest.  Wagstaff  collected  all  the 
books  he  could  find,  and  piled  them  into  a  shaky 
pyramid,  which  he  was  preparing  to  push  over  with  a 
broomstick  upon  the  head  of  the  unconscious  High- 
oldboy. 

Quackenbush  had  not  been  idle ;  taking  advantage 
of  the  drowsiness  of  his  superior  officer,  he  had 
sewed  the  bottoms  of  that  gentleman's  pantaloons 
together  with  a  waxed  end,  after  which  he  made  a 
moustache  on  himself  with  burned  cork,  and  then 
painted  the  left  side  of  his  face  in  three-cornered 
patches  like  a  sleepy  harlequin,  dyed  Jiis  shirt-collar 
scarlet  with  red  ink,  and  went  to  sleep  in  the  comer 
to  await  the  result,  having  first  tripped  up  Mr.  Over- 
dale,  who,  by  way  of  a  new  variation  in  his  juggling 
performances,  was  now  trying  to  balance  the  poker 
on  his  nose,  while  he  held  a  rocking-chair  in  one 
hand  and  a  hat-box  full  of  oyster  shells  in  the  other. 
Dropper  had  a  checker-board  before  him,  and  was 
superintending  a  game  between  his  right  and  left 
band. 


204  AN  ATTACK   ON  THE  DEN. 

But  suddenly,  those  of  the  Elephants  who  were  in 
their  waking  senses,  beciime  sensible  of  a  noise  out- 
side. It  begun  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  like  the 
souijd  of  a  regiment  of  crazy  Boston  watchmen,  all 
springing  their  rattles  at  once.  The  noise  became 
louder,  and  seemed  to  be  coming  up  the  stairs,  and 
now  rivalled  in  sound  a  mail-train  on  a  race,  l^ow 
the  uproar  became  more  distinct,  and  evidently  pro- 
ceeded from  some  person  or  persons  outside,  who 
were  provided  with  some  ingenious  facilities  for 
kicking  up  a  row,  with  which  ordinary  roisterers  are 
unacquainted.  These  persons  now  began  a  furious 
attack  upon  the  "outer  walls."  Mr.  Overdale 
paused  in  his  plate-breaking  occupation,  long  enough 
to  pour  out  a  few  emphatic  sentences,  addressed  to 
the  individuals  outside,  in  which  he  consigned  them 
to  a  locality  too  hot  for  a  powder-mill,  and  then 
resumed  his  practice. 

As  the  door  began  to  shake,  Overdale  laid 
down  the  poker,  smashed  what  few  large  pieces  of 
plates  were  left  over  the  head  of  the  recumbent 
Quackenbush,  awoke  the  Higholdboy  by  rolling  him 
off  the  table,  aroused  the  rest  of  the  party  by  a  few 
kicks  in  the  ribs,  and  then,  undoing  the  fastenings  of 
the  door,  was  proceeding  to  expostulate  with  the  dis- 
turbers.    'No  sooner,  however,  had  he  opened  the 


JOHNNY  CAKE  DRUNK.  205 

door,  tlian  a  rush  was  made  by  the  invaders,  and 
Mr.  Dropper  upset  by  the  besieging  party.  Mr. 
Dropper  fell  upon  the  stomach  of  the  half-awakened 
Quackenbush,  they  both  pitched  into  Mr.  Boggs,  and 
then  all  three  rolled  over  the  Hiffholdbov.  This  last- 
named  personage,  having  the  bottoms  of  his  panta- 
loons sewed  together,  could  not  arise  until  the 
friendly  jack-knife  unfettered  his  lengthy  legs.  All 
parties  being  restored  to  the  perpendicular,  an  imme- 
diate inquiry  was  made  into  the  cause  of  the  disturb- 
ance. 

Then  it  was  discovered  that  the  person  who  had 
kicked  up  this  diabolical  bobbery  was  no  less  a  per- 
sonage than  the  heretofore  discreet  and  temperate 
Johnny  Cake,  aided  and  abetted  by  an  individual 
unknown  to  the  rest  of  the  company,  but  whose 
appearance  bespoke  him  to  be  one  of  the  boys,  who, 
although  not  an  "Elephant,"  presented  at  first 
sight  distinguished  claims  to  be  honored  with  that 
enviable  distinction.  ' 

Yes,  Johnny  Cake,  the  man  who  would  never  be 
persuaded  to  taste  a  glass  of  liquor  of  any  kind, 
who  had  always  endeavored  to  keep  his  companions 
from  spirituous  imbibition;  the  virtuous  cold-water- 
ite,  whom  the  sight  of  ^  glass  of  brandy  would  give 
a  cold  chill,  a  whisky-punch  throw  into  spasms  or  a 


206  AN   EXAMINATION-. 

mng  of  "  lager  "  give  a  teetotal  convulsion,  stood 
now  before  the  astounded  Elephantine  brotherhood 
drunk,  plainly,  undeniably,  unequivocally  drumJc. 

He  had  a  black  eye,  and  a  swelled  nose.  His  coat 
was  on  hind  side  before,  and  buttoned  between  his 
shoulders,  while  his  pantaloons  were  entirely  bereft 
of  buttons,  and  were  secured  from  parting  company 
only  by  two  pieces  of  telegraph-wire  which,  with 
commendable  ingenuity,  he  had  converted  into 
extemporaneous  metallic  suspenders.  His  compan- 
ion was  in  a  singular  state  of  derangement  as  to  his 
personal  attire,  having  no  coat  at  all,  and  a  red  shirt 
over  his  nether  continuations. 

As  soon  as  the  first  expression  of  surprise  was 
over,  the  Higholdboy,  comprehending  that  some- 
thing unusual  had  taken  place,  ordered  the  company 
to  be  seated.  In  obedience  to  this  peremptory  order 
from  the  most  noble  officer  of  the  club,  the  Elephan- 
tines  each  took  a  seat,  but  as  the  inglorious  young 
man  before-mentioned  had  made  the  chairs  exceed- 
ingly treacherous  and  insecure,  by  cutting  off  one 
leg  of  each,  the  immediate  consequence  of  the 
attempt  was  another  general  sprawlification  upon  the 
floor,  executed  in  a  masterly  manner  by  the  entire 
strength  of  the  company.  After  five  minutes  of  vigor- 
ous polyglpt  profanity  had  somewhat  relieved  the 


207 


feelings  of  the  fallen  Elephantines,  and  they  had  recov- 
vered  their  feet,  they  contrived  to  sit  down  ;  the  chairs 
were  as  treacherous  as  ever,  but  being  forewarned, 
the  members  "were  forearmed,  and  by  dint  of  many 
exertions,  contrived  to  maintain  their  seats  with  a 
tolerable  show  of  dignity. 

Johnny  Cake  was  too  far  gone  to  make  any  intel- 
ligible replies,  or  give  any  account  ot  himself,  and  it 
was  resolved  to  postpone  his  examination  until  he 
should  get  sober.  His  companion,  however,  who 
seemed  to  be  something  in  the  theatrical  way,  gave  his 
own  story  in  his  own  peculiar  manner,  but  refused  to 
enlighten  the  anxious  brotherhood  about  poor  Johnny. 

He  possessed  a  facility  of  quotation  equal  to 
Richard  Swiveller,  Esq.'s,  but  he  was  as  reckless 
aboiit  the  exactitude  of  his  extracts,  and  jumbled  up 
his  authorities  with  as  much  confusion  as  Captain 
Cuttle  himself.  He  seldom  gave  a  quotation  right, 
but  would  break  off  in  the  middle  and  substitute 
some  words  of  his  own,  or  dovetail  an  irrelevant 
piece  from  some  strange  author,  or  mix  up  half-a 
dozen  authors  with  interpolations  of  his  own,  in  an 
inextricable  verbal  jumble. 

The  Higholdboy  and  the  stranger  held  the  follow- 
ing conversation  : 

"  What's  your  name  ?" 


208       PETER  ACKNOWLEDGES  THE  CORN. 

"  Peter  Knight ;  am  a  native  to  the  marrow-bone. 
— ^That's  Shakspeare." 

"  Young  man,  strange  young  man,  young  man  to 
me  unknown ;  young  man  of  the  peculiar  hat  and 
ruby  shirt,  I  fear  to  adapt  my  conversation  to  your 
evident  situation  ;  that  you're  drunk,  emphatically 
drunk,  I  repeat  it,  drunk — drunk  was  my  remark — 
D— Eunk,  drunk." 

"  It's  true,  'tis  pity  ;  pity  'tis  there  isn't  the  devil 
a  doubt  of  it.— Tliat's  Scott." 

"  Where  did  you  get  your  liquor  ?" 

"  Where  the  bee  sucks,  there  sucks  Peter  Knight 
all  day.  Thou  base,  inglorious  slave,  think'st  thou  I 
will  reveal  the  noble  name  of  him  who  gave  me 
wine?  No,  sir-ee.  Bob. — ^That's  Beaumont  and 
Fletcher." 

"  Ante  up  or  leave  the  board ;  that  is  to  say  fire 
away,  let  us  know,  we  won't  tell.  Although  we 
never  drink,  we  like  to  know  where  drink  we  might 
get,  in  case  of  cholera,  or  colic." 

"I  do  remember  an  apothecary  and  here-abouts 
he  dwells  ;  no  he  don't,  he  lives  over  in  the  Bowery 
— ^but  in  his  needy  shop  a  codfish  hangs,  and  on  his 
shelves  a  beggarly  account  of  empty  bottles ;  noting 
this  penury  to  myself,  I  said,  if  any  man  did  need  a 
brandy-punch,   whose   sale  is  fifty  dollai*s  fine  in 


WHEEE   HE   GOT  HIS   LIQTJOE.  209 

Gotliam,  here  lives  a  caitiff  wretch  who  has  probably 
got  plenty  of  it  under  the  counter.  Why  should  I 
here  conceal  mv  fault  ?  Wine  ho !  I  cried.  The 
call  was  answered.  I  have  no  wine,  said  he,  but 
plenty  of  whis — .  Silence!  thou  pernicious  caitiff, 
quoth  I ;  thou  invisible  spirit  of  wine,  since  we  can 
get  thee  by  no  other  name,  why  let  us  call  thee  gin 
and  sugar.  He  brought  the  juice  of  cursed  juniper 
in  a  phial,  and  in  the  porches  of  my  throat  did  pour 
Udolpho  Wolfe's  distilment.  Thus  was  I  by  a 
Dutchman's  hand  at  once  dispatched — not  drunk  or 
sober — sent  into  the  dirty  streets  three-quarters  tight, 
with  all  my  imperfections  on  my  head.  The  fellow's 
name?  My  very  soul  rebels.  But  w^hether  it  is 
nobler  in  the  mind  to  suficr  the  cuffs  and  bruises 
of  this  bloody  Dutchman  or  to  take  arms  against  his 
red-haired  highness,  and  by  informing  end  him?  I 
go  and  it  is  done.  Yillain,  herd's  at  thy  heart !  His 
name,  your  Honor,  is  Bobblesnoffkin  in  the  Bowery. 
That's  Shakspeare  mixed." 

"  Young  man,  whose  shirt  has  escaped  from  all 
control,  and  now  hangs  loose,  the  posterior  section  of. 
which  has  also  sustained  a  serious,  and,  I  fear,  irre- 
mediable fracture,  I  have  another  question  to  pro- 
pound ;  answer  upon  your  life.     Have  you  got  a 

home  ?" 
14 


210  HOW   HE   LIVED. 

"My  home  is  on  the  deep,  deep  sea. — ^That's 
Plutarch's  Lives." 

"  How  do  you  get  your  living  ?" 

"  Doubt  thou  the  stars  are  fire  ;  doubt  that  the  sun 
doth  move;  doubt  truth  to  be  a  liar,  but  never 
doubt  that  I'll  get  a  living  while  the  oyster-sloops 
don't  have  but  one  watchman. — ^That's  Billy  S. 
again." 

"  Do  you  pay  for  your  oysters  ?" 

"  Base  is  the  slave  that  pays ;  the  speed  of  thought 
is  in  my  limbs. — ^That's  Byron." 

"  Do  you  steal  them  and  then  run  away  ?" 

"  I've  told  thee  all,  I'll  tell  no  more,  though  short 
the  story  be ;  let  me  go  back  where  I  was  before  and 
I'll  get  my  living  without  troubling  the  corporation. 
That's  Tom  Moore,  altered  to  suit  circumstances." 

"You  ought  to  dispense  with  the  brandy  and 
gin." 

"  Oh,  I  could  be  happy  with  either,  were  'tother 
dear  charmer  bottled  up  and  the  cork  put  in. — ^That's 
Dibdin  with  a  vengeance." 

"  Young  man,  I  fear  you've  led  our  young  friend, 
whom  you  now  see  asleep  amongst .  the  broken 
crockery,  from  the  paths  of  sobriety.  What  do  you 
suppose  will  become  of  you  if  you  go  on  in  this 
way?" 


PETER    PREDICTS   HIS   FATE.  g^  1 

"Alas,  poor  Yorick ! — Peter,  I  mean.  Who 
knows  where  he  will  lay  his  bones  ?  Few  and  short 
will  the  prayers  be  said,  and  nobody  '11  feel  any 
sorrow  :  but  they'll  cram  him  into  his  clay-cold  bed, 
and  bury  somebody  else  on  the  top  of  him  to- 
morrow ;  the  minister  will  come,  put  on  his  robe  and 
read  the  service ;  the  choir  '11  sing  a  hymn ;  earth 
to  earth  and  dust  to  gravel,  and  that  '11  be  the  last  of 
Peter  Knight." 

The  Higholdboy  consulting  with  those  members 
of  the  club  who  were  still  awake,  it  was  resolved 
forthwith  to  put  Peter  Knight  down  stairs.  As  he 
went  he  remarked : 

"  Fare  thee  well,  and  if  for  ever,  all  the  better. — 
That's  Byron,  revised  and  corrected." 

Johnny  Cake  was  manifestly  too  far  gone  to  think 
of  taking  him  to  a  hotel  to  sleep,  and  under  these 
circumstances  the  club  resolved  itself  into  a  com- 
mittee of  the  whole,  to  remain  in  sleepy  session  all 
night,  to  take  care  of  their  prostrate  fellow -member, 
Mr.  Johnny  Cake. 


Snfmitti  (CiikB's  first  §pn. 


Whatever  is,  is. 


Wmqht. 


4^ 


the  last 

chapter  of  this 
veritable  history 
is  related  the 
unexpected  and 
unusually  thor- 
ough inebriation 
of  Mr.  John  I. 
Cake,  from  the 
verdant  prairies 
of  Illinois.  The  alcoholically-saturated  condition  of 
Johnny's  corporosity,  on  the  occasion  herein-before- 
nientioned,  surprised    the   thii-sty  brotherhood   far 

212 


213 

more  than  would  a  similar  state  of  facts  in  which 
any  other  one  of  the  fraternity  should  have  been 
implicated,  because  as  Johnny  had  always  perched 
himself  upon  the  aqueous  pinnacle  of  misanthropic 
teetotalism,  it  was  not  reasonable  to  suppose ,  that  he 
should,  by  one  single  dive,  precipitate  himself  at 
once  to  the  lowest  depth  of  inebriation — for  his  pro- 
fession's sake,  he  should  have  come  down  easier. 

As  his  new-made  friends  had  taken  his  moral  cul- 
ture under  their  especial  guardianship,  he  was  duly 
required,  the  next  evening,  to  give,  for  the  instruc- 
tion and  edification  of  the  club,  a  full  account  of  his 
night's  experience. 

Having  first  premised  that  he  only  complied  with 
this  desire  in  obedience  to  that  imperati^ie  rule  of 
the  club,  to  which  he  had  solemnly  affixed  his  name, 
which,  in  the  most  awful  language,  pledges  every 
member  who  takes  that  terrible  obligation  to  do 
exactly  as  he  pleases,  unless  his  own  pleasure  shall 
infl-uence  him  otherwise,  or  unless,  upon  mature  con- 
sideration, he  shall  decide  that  he  had  rather  do 
something  else,  he  proceeded  to  enlighten  the  anxious 
Elephantine  expectants. 

"  When  I  left  you  yesterday,"  said  he,  "  I  had  no 
more  idea  that  I  should  so  far  overstep  the  bounds 
of   my   customary  propriety,   and   make   my  next 


214  HE   GOES   ENTO    THE   BOWERY. 

appearance  before  you  in  a  state  of  alcoholic  dis- 
guise, than  I  have  at  this  present  moment  that  the 
setting  sun  will  see  me  under  arrest  for  picking 
somebody's  pocket  of  a  steam  saw-mill.  Strolling 
about  yesterday  for  some  time,  I  became  tired  of  the 
monotonous  hurry  of  Broadway,  and  eventually 
strayed  into  that  delightful  rural  locality  which  you 
call,  I  think,  the  Bowery. 

"  On  the  corner  of  this  avenue  of  the  rustic  cogno- 
men and  Broome  street,  there  is  a  place  of  refresh- 
ment for  the  weary.  I  entered"  its  open  doors,  and 
sat  down  in  a  little  three-sided  closet,  determined  to 
procure  the  wherewithal  to  refresh  the  inner  indivi- 
dual. Obedient  to  my  upraised  finger,  a  person 
came.  This  person  had  on  a  small  white  apron; 
this  person  also  flourished  in  his  dexter-digits  a  nap- 
kin of  questionable  purity;  this  person  wore  slip- 
pers, and  had  a  voice  like  an  asthmatic  bull-frog ; 
this  person  was  a  city  waiter — a  male  waiter — a 
degeneration  of  the  genus  homo,  which  I  sincerely 
hope  will,  at  no  very  distant  day,  become  utterly 
extinct.  He  procured  for  me  the  viands  which  my 
capricious  taste  selected  from  the  suggestive  printed 
list  of  edibles  there  to  be  obtained.  While  engaged 
in  consigning  to  a  living*  grave  the  bivalves  he  had 
brought,  I  had  a  fair  opportunity  to  observe  some,  to 


AN   ARTISTIC   BARKEEPER.  215 

me,  remarkable  gymnastics  then  in  course  of  accom- 
plishment by  an  active  young  man  who  presided  at 
the  bar,  and  held  dominion  over  the  bottles.  First 
pouring  into  a  tumbler  some  liquid,  to  me  unknown, 
diluting  it  with  water,  adding  ice,  sugar,  lemon,  and 
other  ingredients  with  which  I  am  unacquainted,  he 
proceeded  to  throw  the  compound  about  in  the  most 
unheard-of  manner,  from  one  tumbler  to  another, 
over  his  head,  under  his  leg,  round  his  neck,  over 
one  arm  and  under  the  other,  without  ever  spilling  a 
drop.  First  uplifting  one  hand  high  in  air,  he 
poured  the  mixture  in  a  sparkling  cascade  from  the 
glass  in  the  right  hand,  to  that  in  the  left ;  then  he 
threw  it  in  a  sparkling  shower  in  the  air,  till  the 
lumps  of  ice  rattled  on  the  ceiling ;  then  he  dispersed 
it  in  a  misty  spray  about  his  head  and  recovered 
it  all  in  his  magic  glass,  by  some  diabolic  dexterity, 
without  losing  the  fraction  of  a  drop ;  then,  in  one 
grand,  final  effort,  he  tossed  it  round  the  beer-pump, 
down  one  side,  and  up  the  other,  and  over  the  chan- 
delier, changing  a  two-dollar  bill  while  it  was  in  the 
air,  and  giving  his  customer  his  drink  with  one  hand, 
and  with  the  other  his  silver  change,  intermixed  with 
twenty  per  cent,  of  pewter  dimes,  which  the  thirsty 
buyer  invariably  pocketed  before  he  could  recover 
from  his  astonishment. 


216 


"  I  finished  my  dinner,  and  was  anxious  to  see  the 
little  man  perform  again.  I  approached  the  little 
man,  and  desired  him  to  concoct  me  a  lemonade. 
He  inquired  if  I  wanted  a  *  fly '  in  it.  As  the  flying 
part  was  what  I  most  desired,  I  answered  yes.  The 
little  man  went  through  the  motions.  I  sent  the 
lemonade  to  its  destination,  noticing  at  the  time 
something  remarkably  nectarean  in  the  taste.  As  I 
supposed  the  evolutions  which  it  had  accomj)lished 
in  mid-air  had  imparted  to  it  an  unusual  flavor,  and 
as  I  wanted  to  see  the  performance  again,  I  imme- 
diately subscribed  for  one  more  of  the  same  sort. 
Again  the  question  about  the  fly — again  an  affirma- 
tive, with  a  remark  that  the  bigger  the  fly,  the  better 
I  should  be  -pleased,  supposing  that  thereby  he 
would,  for  my  satisfaction,  make  it  fly  through  some 
new  motions.  I  am  satisfied  that  this  time  the  fly 
was  larger  than  on  the  former  occasion.  I  was  still 
unsatisfied ;  another  subscription,  and  another  lemon- 
ade, but  this  time  the  entomological  interrogation 
was  not  propounded — he  took  the  fly  for  granted, 
and  he  was  right.  About  this  time  the  person  who 
came  home  with  me  last  night  made  his  appearance. 
I  shook  hands  with  him  at  once,  for  I  thought  I 
recognized  him.  I  imagined  that  he  was  a  man 
who,  seven  years  ago,  licked  me  with  a  rawhide  for 


A   KANSAS   OFFICIAL.  217 

stealing  his  pippins  and  setting  fire  to  his  sugar-bush^ 
and  I  was  anxious  to  shake  hands  for  old  acquaint- 
ance sake.  I  beg  now,  however,  to  state  that  I  am 
satisfied  this  impression  was  erroneous,  for  I  have 
this  morning  a  distinct  recollection  that  the  indivi- 
dual of  pomological  memory  removed  to  Kansas, 
where  he  was  first  lynched  for  stealing  a  horse,  and 
afterward  chosen  county  treasurer  and  inspector  of 
election.  However,  be  that  as  it  may,  certain  it  is, 
that,  at  that  particular  moment,  thinking  I  had  fallen 
in  with  an  old  friend,  I  invited  him  to  drink  with 
me.  He  accepted,  and  presently  he  proposed 
punch,  and  made  a  remark  about  cobbler.  Punch  I 
had  heard  mentioned  as  the  prince  of  good  fellows, 
and  I  was  anxious  to  make  his  acquaintance.  Cob- 
bler I  had  only  heard  of  as  a  man  of  lapstones  and 
leather  aprons,  and  I  did  not  particularly  desire  to 
know  him.  On  receiving  an  introduction  to  Punch, 
I  was  amazed  to  find  that  he  was  not  an  individual 
but  a  drink — a  luscious  combination  of  fragrant 
ingredients.  Although  I  was  mistaken  in  the  iden- 
tity, I  was  pleased  with  him,  and  it  may  not  be 
superfluous  to  remark  that  the  more  I  saw  of  him, 
the  more  I  wanted  to  see,  and  the  more  I  did  see. 
About  this  time  I  had  two  friends ;  there  were  ^d» 
10 


218 

active  little  men  behind  tlie  bar,  each  throwing  from 
double-barrelled  tumblers  two  streams  of  lemonade 
over  his  head,  each  with  two  flies  in.  There  were 
two  beer-pumps,  each  with  two  dozen  handles,  and 
the  number  of  bottles  and  decanters  was  beyond 
computation.  The  floor  rose  up  and  down  in  wooden 
billows,  and  knocked  my  hat  off.  I  attempted  to 
remonstrate  with  floor,  but  at  this  juncture  the  floor 
clinched  me;  we  had  a  long  wrestle,  and  finally 
went  down — floor  on  top.  By  a  convulsive  exertion 
I '  turned '  the  floor,  got  it  under,  and  stood  on  it  to 
keep  it  down ;  had  some  compunctions  about  strik- 
ing a  fallen  enemy,  but  passion  got  the  better  of  me, 
and  I  tried  to  kick  the  floor ;  floor  kicked  back,  and 
threw  sand-dust  in  my  eyes ;  got  away ;  wanted  to 
get  out  doors,  but  the  room  had  changed  about  so, 
that  the  door  was  over  my  head,  and  the  bar,  with 
the  active  little  men,  was  nearly  under  my  feet ;  was 
afraid  I  should  walk  over  the  little  men,  and  break 
the  bottles;  stepped  very  carefully  so  as  to  avoid 
any  such  accident,  and  put  my  foot  in  the  stove. 
Peter  rescued  me  from  the  devouring  element,  and 
got  me  out  of  doors. 

"  Peter  said  he  would  see  me  home,  and  asked  me 
where  I  lived ;  told  him  I  was  an  elephant ;  made 


A   CHATHAM   STREET  AUCTION.  219 

him  understand  that  I  could  show  him  the  place 
where  I  hung  out,  even  if  I  couldn't  tell  him — so  we 
started. 

"  We  must  have  come  through  Chatham  street,  for 
I  can  remember  seeing  some  one  with  a  hammer, 
selling  clothing.     I  know  I  wanted  to  go  in  and 
make  some  purchases.     The  ruling  idea  in  my  mind, 
at  that  moment,  was,  that  the  grey  mare  wanted  a 
winter  overcoat,  the  oxen  a  pair  of  striped  panta- 
loons apiece,  that  the  sow,  and  each  of  her  tender 
offspring,  ought  to  have  a  red  jacket  and  a  pair  of 
spectacles,  and  that  it  was  a  matter  of  necessity  and 
charity  to  purchase  seven  dozen  hickory  shirts  to 
keep  the  blue-jays  away  from  the  apple-trees.     I 
went  in,  and  commenced  bidding.     I  know  I  was 
not  particular  about  prices,  and  that  any  opposition 
provoked  me  exceedingly — so  much  so  that  I  bid 
twenty -three  dollars  for  a  second-hand  pocket-hand- 
kerchief, because,  when  the  auctioneer  started  it  at 
ten  cents,  and  I  offered  fifteen,  a  hook-nosed  Jew  bid 
three  cents  over  me.   Auction  over  at  last ;  man  with 
the  hammer  wanted  me  to  pay  up — found  that  I  had 
bought  three  quarters  of  his  stock,  and  hadn't  money 
enougli  to  settle  the  bill.     I  know  I  gave  him  all  1 
had,  and  also  my  coat  and  neckerchief  to  make  up 
the  balance.    I  also  have  a  distinct  recollection  of 


220  LAGER-BIEK   SALOON. 

calling  him  a  Hebrew  robber,  upon  which  he 
knocked  me  in  the  eje  with  his  hammer,  and  fol- 
lowed up  this  declaration  of  hostilities  by  splitting 
my  nose  with  a  yard-stick.  We  got  out  of  doors, 
and  proceeded  down  town.  On  the  corner  of  Cham- 
bers street  the  Third  Avenue  Railroad  squared  off, 
and  knocked  me  down.  Peter  held  me  steady,  while 
I  rebuked  the  offender  in  proper  terms.  The  Third 
Avenue  Eailroad  took  off  its  hat  and  apologized.  I 
forgave  it. 

"  We  went  into  a  cellar ;  got  in  by  a  complicated 
dive.  I  sat  down  at  first  on  the  piano,  next  on  a 
pile  of  oyster-shells,  and,  finally,  by  the  aid  of  a 
huge  pair  of  whiskers,  with  a  little  Dutchman 
behind  them,  deposited  myself  in  a  chair — on  top 
of  Peter.  Peter  got  out  after  a  prolonged  struggle ; 
place  very  hirsute;  big  beards  on  everybody;  ten 
parts  of  hair  to  one  part  Dutchman.  My  vision  may 
have  been  slightly  deranged,  but  I  am  certain  that 
one  diminutive  German  had  two  pairs  of  whiskers — ■ 
a  moustache  just  over  his  eyes,  and  a  four-foot  yellow 
beard  which  sprung  from  his  teeth.  We  drank  lager 
bier. 

"  Peter  quoted  Shakspeare  when  the  man  said 
"  pay  up,"  and  insisted  on  singing  an  English  chorus 
to  a  Dutch  song;   company  indignant,  Peter  very 


AITACK   ON   THE   DEN.  221 

valiant,  but  too  few  in  number.  Peter  fought,  Peter 
kicked,  Peter  swore,  Peter  was  overpowered,  Peter 
was  elevated  in  the  arms  of  four  stout  Dutchmen 
above  the  heads  of  the  company.  Exit  Peter, 
through  the  window.  In  leaving  the  room  myself,  I, 
too,  received  some  uncalled-for  aid,  but  finally 
rejoined  Peter  on  the  side-walk  above. 

"  I  spied  the  mystic  light  which  told  me  the  Ele- 
phantine resort  was  close  at  hand — couldn't  fetch 
it — asked  M.  P. — he  said  if  we'd  tell  him  the  address 
he'd  show  us — tried  to  recollect  it — couldn't  exactly 
make  it  out,  but  said  at  a  venture,  corner  of  Maiden 
Lane  and  Canal  street — ofiicer  indignant — we  finally 
found  the  place,  tried  to  come  up  still  so  as  to  sur- 
prise you,  but  I  am  willing  to  admit  that  attempt  to 
be  a  partial  failure ;  we  reached  the  door  at  last ;  it 
wouldn't  open — Peter  called  it  Sebastopol,  and  pro- 
posed that  w^e  should  storm  it — we  resolved  ourselves 
into  an  attacking  I3arty  of  two,  called  to  our  aid  a 
twelve-feet  plank  as  a  battering-ram,  and  by  hard 
blows  persuaded  the  door  to  yield — that  broken 
panel  is  a  forcible  example  of  the  power  of  moral 
suasion. 

"  When  I  remark  that,  judging  from  my  present 
sensations,  I  should  imagine  a  six-horse-power  thresh- 
ing-machine   to    be    in    the    height  of   successful 


222 


operation  in  my  head,  immediately  over  my  eyes, 
there  are  perhaps  some  sympathizing  persons  in 
the  room,  who  have  experienced  the  same  deli- 
cious sensation,  and  can  therefore  'phancy  my 
pheelinks.'" 

The  members  of  the  club  expressed  themselves 
eminently  satisfied  with  Mr.  Cake's  statement  of  his 
experience,  and  the  Higholdboy  requested  that  Mr. 
Cake  should  inscribe  in  the  records  the  said  experi- 
ence, in  order  that  it  might  not  be  lost  to  future 
generations.     Mr.  Cake  promised  to  do  so. 

Mr.  Spout,  being  seized  with  a  fit  of  liberality, 
ordered  punches  for  the  company,  and  two  of  the 
same  kind  for  Johnny  Cake,  which  Johnny  indig- 
nantly refused,  saying  that,  if  before  his  recent  expe- 
rience in  wholesale  dissipation,  he  had  disliked  alco- 
holic beverages,  such  were  his  feelings  now,  that  the 
dislike  amounted  to  an  abhorrence.  Mr.  Spout  said 
it  was  all  right,  as  in  such  case  he  should  drink 
them  all  himself. 

Mr.  Dropper  remarked  that  some  two  or  three 
years  previously,  when  he  first  arrived  from  Cincin- 
nati, and  before  he  had  became  fully  posted  up  in 
the  various  phases  of  unwhipped  rascality  in  ]N"ew 
York,  he  had,  on  one  occasion,  owing  to  his  ignor- 
ance, got  into  the  station-house. 


THE   GIFT    ENTERPRISE.  ^2H 

A  general  sentiment  as  expressed  was,  that  Mr. 
Dropper  should  state  the  history  of  the  circumstance, 
or  be  immediately  expelled  from  the  club,  and 
kicked  down  stairs,  minus  his  coat,  hat,  and  boots. 

Mr.  Dropper  said  that  he  found  it  impossible  to 
resist  the  gentle  persuasions  of  his  companions. 

*'  Fellow  quadrupeds,"  said  he,  "  soon  after  my 
arrival  in  this  mass  meeting  of  bricks  and  mortar,  I 
read  in  a  morning  paper  the  announcement  of  an 
extraordinary  gift  enterprise,  which  some  benevolent 
and  philanthropic  individual  had  set  on  foot,  with 
the  view  of  making  everybody,  in  general,  and  him- 
self, in  particular,  rich.  I  thought  of  the  subject  for 
several  days.  The  idea  of  securing  a  farm  of  three 
hundred  acres  in  'New  Jersey,  all  in  first-rate  condi- 
tion, with  houses,  barns,  and  fences  ready-made,  at 
the  moderate  cost  of  a  dollar,  was  rather  agreeable 
than  otherwise,  and  the  more  I  reflected  upon  the 
matter,  the  more  I  became  satisfied  that  such  a  bar- 
gain was  a  consummation  most  devoutly  to  be 
wished  for.  One  night  I  went  to  bed  thinking  of 
the  farm.    Finally  I  fell  asleep,  and 

*  Sleeping  I  dreamed,  love, 
Dreamed  love  of ' 

seeing  six  cats,  each  with  two  tails,  and  each  tail 


224 


DJtOPPEE  S   DEEAM  AND 


eight  feet  long,  and  afterwards  a  seventh  cat  with 

a  bob-tail.  When  I 
awoke  in  the  morning, 
I  attempted  to  inter- 
pret my  dream,,  and  I 
readily  foimd  a  mean- 
ing. 1  put  the  figures 
together  in  the  order 
above — that  is  to  say, 
six  cats,  two  tails,  eight 
feet  long,  one  cat  bob- 
tail, which  latter,  I 
thought,  was  equivalent  to  a  nought,  and  I  had  the 
following  result :  62810.  I  concluded  that  this  was 
the  lucky  number  which  was  to  get  the  farm.  I 
posted  off  immediately  to  the  ofiice  of  the  gift  enter- 
prise, and  called  for  number  62810,  and  laid  down 
my  dollar.  The  dollar  was  accepted,  and  the  ticket 
was  handed  me,  done  up  in  an  envelope.  I  was  con- 
fident of  having  the  title  deeds  to  the  premises  given 
me  as  soon  as  the  drawing  should  take  place,  and  as 
tliat  event  was  set  down  for  the  next  week,  and 
thero  was  no  time  to  be  lost,  I  contracted  for  thirty- 
two  head  of  cattle,  and  all  the  necessary  farming 
utensils,  in  order  to  be  ready  to  commence  a  life  of 
ease  and  luxury,  at  the  earliest  practicable  moment, 


HOPES  OF   SUCCESS.  225 

after  the  said  real  estate  should  come  into  my  posses- 
sion. I  also  advertised  for  two  stout  farm-hands,  to 
assist  me  in  following  the  prospective  agricultural 
pursuits.  I  had  some  three  hundred  and  sixty-eight 
answers.  I  finally  engaged  two  athletic  L-ishmen, 
who  were  recommended  by  their  late  employer  as 
being  excellent  farm-hands,  and  who,  in  addition, 
possessed  this  virtue,  that,  when  drunk,  they  were 
satisfied  to  abuse  one  another,  and  never  their 
employer. 

"  The  day  of  the  drawing  at  last  came,  and  I  went 
to  the  office  to  get  my  deed,  for  I  never  doubted  a 
single  instant  that  I  had  drawn  the  big  prize.  I 
entered  the  office,  and  told  the  clerk  that  I  would 
take  the  documents. 

"  '  What  documents  V  said  he. 

"  « Why,  my  deed  of  the  magnificent  country 
mansion  and  farm  in  New  Jersey,  with  three  hun- 
dred acres  of  land,  and  a  house  with  all  the  modern 
improvements.' 

"  Gentlemen,  I  have  been,  in  the  course  of  my  life, 
kicked  by  a  horse,  knocked  into  a  cocked  hat  by  a 
threshing-machine,  and  had  my  hair  singed  ofi*  by 
chain- lightning,  but  neither  one  of  these  occurrences 
so  astounded  me  as  did  that  red-haired  clerk,  when 
he  informed  me  that  my  ticket  had  drawn  a  gold 


226  THE  REALIZATION-. 

pen,  with  a  silver  holder,  and  a  place  in  the  top  to 
put  pencil-leads  in. 

"Gentlemen,  I  was  not  furious,  I  was  perfectly 
cool ;  but  when  I  jumped  over  that  counter,  and  laid 
hands  on  that  red-haired  clerk,  I  will  admit  that  it 
was  my  calmly-settled  intention  to  eat  that  red- 
haired  clerk  for  luncheon,  notwithstanding  his  cock- 
eye. A  hasty  glance  at  the  mud  on  his  boots,  and 
the  metal  buttons  on  his  coat-tails,  caused  me  to  alter 
my  original  amiable  intention,  and  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  be  gentle  with  him,  and  merely  whip  him 
so  his  mother  wouldn't  be  able  to  tell  him  from  a 
Little  Neck  clam  on  a  large  scale,  and  then  leave  him 
to  live  through  it  if  he  could. 

"  I  struck  him  once,  and  he  laid  down  in  a  comer 
among  some  bottles,  with  his  head  in  the  gas-meter, 
and  in  one  minute  from  that  time  he  was  one  univer- 
sal damage. 

"  Tlie  proprietor  being  done  for,  I  proceeded  to 
demolish  the  establishment;  I  didn't  leave,  of  the 
chairs,  tables,  and  desks,  a  piece  big  enough  to  make 
a  bird-cage,  and  having  turned  on  all  the  gas,  I  was 
seriously  debating  whether  I  should  not  set  the 
whole  shop  on  fire,  and  sue  for  the  insurance,  when 
the  two  Irishmen,  whom  I  had  engaged  to  work  my 
farm,  made  their  appearance.     I  told  them  to  clear 


EESTJLT  OF  THE   SCEIMMAGE.  227 

out,  to  budge,  move  on,  leave,  but  they  evidently 
took  me  for  a  .swindler,  and  were  bound  to  pay  mo 
off.  They  pitched  into  me  ;  our  amiable  struggle  to 
put  eacli  other's  eyes  out  attracted  a  crowd ;  the 
muss  became  general;  everybody  went  in,  and 
before  the  policemen  came  there  was  considerable 
music.  ^N'obody  was  bashful,  and  the  result  was  four 
interesting  cases  of  black  eye,  a  pathetic  instance  of 
demolished  nose,  two  lovely  examples  of  swelled 
head,  an  agreeable  specimen  of  peeled  shin,  seven 
illustrations  of  the  beautifying  power  of  finger-nails, 
when  forcibly  applied  to  the  physiognomy,  and 
three  convincing  exemplifications  of  the  power  of  the 
Irish  fist  in  extracting  opposing  teeth,  without  the  aid 
of  forceps  or  turnkey.  The  police  came  at  last,  and 
arrested  the  entire  multitude.  That  night  we  slept 
in  the  station-house.  I  don't  want  to  say  anything 
against  the  bunks  in  that  station-house,  but  this  I  do 
say,  that  if  there  ever  is  a  bed-bug  convention,  and 
that  station-house  is  not  well  represented,  it  won't  be 
because  any  lack  of  population  deprives  them  of  the 
right  to  a  strong  delegation  ;  and  if,  at  any  national 
mass  meeting  of  fleas,  they  stand  in  need  of  ten  or 
fifteen  thousand  to  make  up  a  quorum,  the  station- 
house  of  that  ward  can  supply  them,  without  any 
perceptible  decrease  of  its  entomological  census. 


228  DROPPER  ACQUITTED. 

"  In  the  morning'  we  were  conducted  before  the 
Justice,  but  as  there  were  about  forty  cases  to  be 
heard  before  mine,  I  had  ample  leisure  to  look  about, 
and  take  a  realizing  sense  of  the  beauties  of  my  situ- 
ation. The  case  of  myself  and  others  was  at  length 
reached.  The  officers  swore  to  the  muss,  as  if  the- 
numerous  broken  heads  were  not  sufficient  evidence 
that  there  had  been  a  difference  of  opinion.  -  One  of 
the  Irishmen  became  a  volunteer  liar  m  his  own 
behalf,  but  the  Justice  recognized  him  as  an  old  cus- 
tomer, often  brought  up  for  drunkenness,  and  know- 
ing him  to  be  a  reliable  liar,  he  placed  his  e\idence 
all  to  my  credit,  and  discharged  me  without  even  a 
fine,  but  with  the  assurance  that  if  I  came  there 
again  he  would  '  send  me  up.'  ITot  wanting  to 
make  any  such  equivocal  ascension  as  a  matter  of 
experiment,  I  have  kept  away  from  him,  and  cut  up 
all  my  subsequent  monkey-shines  in  another  ward, 
which  is  out  of  his  jurisdiction." 

After  Mr.  Dropper  closed,  there  was  a  brief 
silence,  in  which  each  member  quietly  smoked  his 
pipe,  apparently  reflecting  upon  the  morals  of  lot- 
teries. At  last  Wagstaff  inquired  who  won  the 
farm. 

"I  forgot  that,"  resumed  Dropper.  "I  learned 
from  an  advertisement  which  appeared  in  the  daily 


A  MI8INTEEPEETATI0N.  229 

journals,  that  ticket  number  6281  drew  the  farm. 
This  number,  you  will  observe,  corresponds  with  the 
one  I  supposed  would  be  the  lucky  one,  except  that 
in  mine  a  nought  was  annexed  to  the  four  figures, 
making  it  62810,  instead  of  6281.  My  mistake  grew 
out  of  a  misinterpretation  of  my  dream,  in  respect  to 
the  bob-tailed  cat,  I  having  assumed  that  the  dimi- 
nutive nether  extremity,  in  this  instance,  was  equi- 
valent to  a  nought  expressed,  whereas,  if  I  had  let  it 
remain  a  nought  understood,  and  had  acted  accord- 
ingly, I  should  have  been  the  lucky  man." 

"  ]N"ot  so  lucky  as  you  imagine,"  remarked  Quack- 
enbush,  "  for  the  facts  of  that  matter  I  am  somewhat 
familiar  with.  A  country  fiddler,  living  up  in  Con- 
necticut, held  the  ticket  which  entitled  the  holder 
to  the  real  estate  aforesaid.  He  saw  the  advertise- . 
ment,  and  I  being  the  only  acquaintance  he  had  in 
the  city,  he  wrote  to  me  to  secure  the  deeds,  as  he 
couldn't  raise  the  money  to  come  down.  I  called  at 
the  office  of  the  managers  of  the  enterprise,  and  pre- 
sented the  ticket.  They  said  it  was  all  right ;  con- 
gratulated me  on  the  ]uck  of  my  friend,  and  told  me 
to  call  a  week  from  that  time,  and  they  would  be 
prepared  to  execute  the  deed.  This  I  thought  was 
very  fair,  and  I  left  the  office.     On  the  apj  )inted 


230 


day  I  called,  and  found  the  office  closed,  as  the 
managers  had  sloped." 

The  conversation  then  turned  upon  Police  Courts, 
and  the  facilities  which  they  afforded  in  aiding  a 
person  to  get  glimpses  of  the  elephant.  It  was  con- 
ceded that  the  experience  of  Dropper,  just  related, 
opened  very  fair,  and,  on  the  suggestion  of  Mr. 
Quackenbush,  it  was  resolved  : 

1.  That  the  members  of  the  club  do  make  it  their 
business 

2.  To  visit  the  Police  Courts 

3.  Before  the  next  meeting  of  the  club. 

The  meeting  was  adjourned  by  the  club,  singing, 
"  We're  all  jolly  good  fellows." 


€liB  f  nlirB  Cnurti 


I  do  remember  Ann — " 


A.  POTHEOARIE. 


evenings 
passed  before  all  the 
members  of  the  club 
again  assembled.  In 
the  meantime  the 
quantity  of  manu- 
scripts had  becom.e 
unusually  large,  the 
members  having 

found  that  the  Police 

23i 


232  VISIl    TO   ESSEX   MAEKET 

Courts  were  "prolific  in  sights  of  the  colossal  quadru- 
ped. ^A'hen  they  did  meet  it  was  whispered  that  one 
of  the  members  had  had  some  personal  experience,  not 
only  as  a  spectator  but  as  a  prisoner.  'No  questions, 
however,  were  propounded  upon  the  subject,  in  a 
tone  loud  enough  for, the  member  in  question  to  hear, 
as  they  desired  to  allow  him  to  speak  of  the  matter 
voluntarily,  confess  his  fault,  and  receive  the  forgive- 
ness of  his  fellows. 

The  proceedings  of  the  evening  were  opened  by  the 
Higholdboy,  who  took  his  official  seat,  announced 
that  the  special  order  of  the  meeting  was  to  hear  the 
reports  of  members  who  had  been  present  at  the 
sessions  of  the  Police  Courts,  with  the  view  of  noting 
down  their  zoological  features. 

The  Higholdboy  called  upon  Dennis,  Wagstaff,  and 
Overdale  for  the  result  of  their  visit  to  the  Police 
Courts.  "Wagstaff's  note-book  was  produced,  and 
the  lengthened  narratives  inscribed  therein  went  to 
show  the  following  state  of  facts. 

Wagstaif  arose  one  morning  at  six  precisely,  and, 
after  having  hit  Dennis  with  his  own  wooden  leg,  and 
pulled  Over  dale's  eyes  open  by  his  whiskers  and  hair, 
announced  to  them  if  they  were  going  to  visit  the  Essex 
Market  Police  Court  that  day,  to  see  the  animals,  that 
it  was  time  to  rise.    They  slipped  on  their  clothing 


POLICE  COURT.  233 

as  soon  as  possible,  and  started  somewhat  sooner. 
They  passed  the  Odd  Fellows  Hall,  which  Overdal'sJ 
expatiated  upon  at  some  length  as  an  extensive  log- 
chain  factory.  He  formed  his  conclusion  from  seeing 
three  links  of  chain  represented  in  a  conspicuous 
part  of  the  building.  The  "Westchester  House  he 
informed  them  was  Washington's  head  quarters,  and 
under  this  belief  they  stopped  some  time  to  look  at 
it,  and  speak  of  it  in  connection  with  the  many  stories 
related  of  that  interesting  relic  of  the  architecture 
of  the  last  century. 

They  arrived  at  length  at  the  Essex  Market,  in  the 
upper  part  of  which  the  police  magistrate  of  that  judi- 
cial district  sits  in  a  big  chair,  for  the  purpose  of  deal- 
ing out  retail  justice  and  getting  a  wholesale  living. 

The  trio  ascended  into  the  court-room,  where  the 
justice  was  seated,  disposing  of  the  hard  cases  which 
had  accumulated  during  the  night.  Overdale  was 
still  communicative.  In  answer  to  the  inquiries  of 
Dennis,  he  informed  that  gentleman  that  the  police 
clerks  were  associated  justices,  that  the  prisoner's 
cage  was  the  jury-box,  and  pointed  out  the  prisoners 
themselves  as  the  jury.  The  humble  member  of  the 
police,  who  is  known  as  the  doorman,  Overdale  said 
answered  well  the  description  of  the  Chief  of  the 
Police,  contained  in  one  of  the  historic  works  of  John 


234  PECULIARITIES 

McLenan.  Dennis  inquired  where  the  prisoners  were. 
Overdale  was  unable  to  answer,  but  at  last  expressed 
it  as  his  opinion  that  the  persons  who  were  standing 
about  them  must  "be  the  malefactors."  Dennis 
said  he  never  could  satisfactorily  account  for  the 
jurors  being  tried,  and  sent  out  of  the  room  in  charge 
of  officers,  but  he  had  too  much  confidence  in  the 
extensive  knowledge  and  vast  intelligence  of  Over- 
dale,  to  suppose  that  his  hirsute  friend  could  possibly 
be  mistaken.  In  consequence  of  this  misplaced  confi- 
dence on  the  part  of  "Wagstaff  and  Dennis,  the  note- 
book of  the  former  was  filled  with  notes  of  the  trials 
of  the  different  members  of  the  jury. 

One  case  of  which  Wagstaff  took  full  notes,  was 
that  of  Edward  Bobber,  a  seafaring  man,  of  very 
peculiar  appearance,  possessing  some  remarkable 
characteristics  of  manner,  dress,  speech,  looks,  and 
miction.  He  was  charged  with  being  drunk.  In 
the  way  of  physical  beauty,  Edward  was  decidedly 
a  damaged  article.  He  had  lost  one  arm  by  a 
snake-bite,  and  been  deprived  of  an  eye  by  the 
premature  explosion  of  a  pistol,  which  broke  his 
spectacles  at  the  same  time  it  extiDguished  his  sinis- 
ter optic.  The  unexpected  descent  of  a  ship-mate, 
from  the  tops,  upon  his  head,  had  turned  his  neck  so 
that  he  seemed  to  be  keeping  a  perpetual  look  out 
over  his  shoulder  with  his  remaining  eye.     His  noso 


OF  EDWAKD   BOBBER.  235 

resembled  a  half-ripe  tomato,  and  a  pair  of  warty 
excrescences  hung  upon  his  face,  as  if  some  one  had 
shot  a  couple  of  marbles  at  him,  which  had  stuck  to 
him  for  life.  His  complexion  bore  a  close  resem- 
blance to  the  outside  of  a  huckleberry-pudding. 
His  teeth,  which  were  unusually  long,  projected 
backward,  as  if  they  had  taken  a  start  to  grow  down 
his  throat.  This  last  peculiarity  was,  undoubtedly, 
one  cause  of  a  remarkable  singularity  of  speech, 
which  seriously  impaired  his  natural  facility  of  con- 
versation. Some  idiosyncrasy  of  disposition,  proba- 
bly, had  also  something  to  do  with  this  lingual 
embarrassment,  but  certain  it  is,  that  Mr.  Edward 
Bobber  never  answered  one  question  until  he  was 
asked  another,  to  which  last  he  would  give  the  reply 
intended  for  query  number  one.  "Whether  his  men- 
tal faculties  needed  always  a  second-interrogative 
punching  up,  or  whether  the  fangs  projecting  down- 
ward retained  one  answer  until  displaced  by  another, 
Wagstaff  and  his  friends  were  unable  to  decide ;  but 
they  truly  believe  that  an  inquiry  propounded  to 
Edward  Bobber,  aforesaid,  would  have  remained 
unanswered  until  doomsday,  unless  a  second  ques- 
tion followed  the  first. 

A  transcript  of  a  conversation  between  him  and 
the  Clerk  of  the  Court  reads  as  follows : 

^^ Clerk. — ^Where  were  you  born? 


236  OONVEESATION 

"  The  prisoner  removed  his  solitary  orb  from  its 
guardianship,  over  his  left  shirt  sleeve,  rolled  it 
slowly  round  until  it  commanded  a  fair  view  of  the 
questioner,  but  said  nothing.  The  clerk,  nothing 
daunted,  continued : 

"  '  How  long  have  you  been  in  this  country  V 

"The  face  assumed  a  look  of  intelligence,  and 
answer  No.  1  came  out. 

^^Edwa/rd. — Broome  County. 

^^  Clerk. — How  old  are  you  \ 

^''Edward. — Two  years. 

'' Cleric. — -How  long  have  you  been  drunk  ?" 

^^Edward. — ^Thirty-four  years,  seven  months,  aud 
nine  days. 

^^Clerh.—WhQVQ  did  you  get  your  liquor  ? 

^'Edacard  (rolling  his  eye  toward  the  Judge). — 
Been  on  a  spree  four  days. 

^'Jvdge  (very  indignant). — ^Did  you  say  I've  been 
on  a  spree? 

''Edwa/rd. — Old  Mother  Bidwell's,  down  in  Mott 
street. 

''Cleric. — ^Do  you  mean  hereafter  to  treat  this 
Court  respectfully  ? 

"Edwa/rd. — No,  sir ;  I  hope  not. 

''Officer  with  red  hair, — If  you  ain't  crazy,  I'm  a 
jack-ass. 

^'Edwa/rd. — ^Yes,  sir,  of  course. 


WITH  THE    JUSTICE.  237 

"  The  excited  Judge  here  commenced  making  out 
his  commitment,  but  the  Clerk,  who  began  to  see  the 
fun,  thought  best  to  ask  him  a  few  more  questions 
first,  and  accordingly  inquired  of  Bobber  what  he 
traded  in,  as  he  seemed  to  own  a  sloop.  The  prisoner, 
who  had  been  cogitating  upon  the  last  remark  of 
the  red-haired  officer  until  he  had  waxed  wroth, 
burst  out : 

"  '  Jack-ass!  jack-ass !  yes,  you  are  a  jack-ass ;  not 
a  doubt  of  it.' 

''^  Clerk. — Come,  tell  me  what  kind  of  liquor  did 
you  drink  yesterday  ? 

'-''Edward. — Soap,  candles,  coffee,  bar-lead,  chick- 
ens, coal,  pine  kindling-wood,  smoked  hams,  and 
white- wood  shingles — 

'''-Judge  (interfering). — ^Prisoner,  you  are  only  get- 
ting yourself  into  trouble.  My  patience  will  give 
out.  I  can't  stand  everything.  Do  you  think  I'm 
made  of  patience  ? 

'''-Edward. — Whisky;  nothing  but  whisky,  sir; 
upon  my  honor. 

"  The  last  answer  proved  too  much  for  the  gravity 
of  the  Court.  The  Judge,  the  Clerk,  the  attendant 
officers,  and  all  smiled  audibly.  A  whispered  word 
frorii  the  Clerk  explained  to  the  Justice  the  true 
Btate  of  the  case.    Edward  was  discharged,  and  as  he 


238  PALMEE8T0N   HOOK. 

departed  from  the  court-room,  an  officer,  two  blocks 
away,  heard  him,  in  answer  to  a  request  for  a  penny 
proffered  by  a  little  girl,  give  what  was  undoubtedly 
intended  as  a  detailed  reply  to  the  last  interrogative 
remark  of  the  Police  Justice." 

The  case  of  Mr.  Palmerston  Hook,  which  was  also 
reported  in  Wagstaff's  note-book,  would  seem  to 
indicate  that  there  was  more  than  one  way  of  catch- 
ing fish. 

"  Mr.  Hook  was  brought  up  as  a  vagrant.  He  was 
a  smooth-faced  individual,  about  old  enough  to  vote, 
dressed  in  rather  grotesque,  flashy  clothes,  very 
much  worn.  The  sleeves  of  his  coat  were  quite 
large,  in  accordance  with  the  prevailing  style.  But 
they  served  a  purpose  of  utility,  as  was  developed 
by  the  evidence,  in  a  rather  novel  profession  which 
Mr.  Hook  followed. 

"  The  principal  witness  was  Mr.  James  Skinner,  a 
very  respectable  dealer  in  Catherine  Market,  who 
devotes  his  time  and  talents  to  purchasing  eels  from 
the  catchers  thereof  and  selling  the  same  to  citizens 
and  others  who  desire  to  enjoy  the  luxury  of  eating 
eels,  either  fried  or  done  up  in  the  form  of  pie  or  any 
other  form.  Mr.  Skinner  has  obtained  for  himself 
an  enviable  popularity  as  a  man  of  integrity.  It  has 
never  been  said  of  him  that  he  ever  sold  an  eel 


THE    EEL-CATCnEE.  239 

whose  recent  advent  upon  dry  land  from  the  salt 
water  was  a  matter  of  serious  question ;  and  to  think 
that  Mr.  Palmerston  Hook  should  have  selected  Mr. 
Skinner's  stock  to  depredate  upon  is  a  matter  of 
some  surprise.     Mr.  Skinner  testified  as  follows  : 

"'This  'ere  feller  came  to  my  eel-stand  yes'day 
mornin'  and  asked  me  how  eels  was  ?  Sez  I,  '  Good 
as  usu'l,'  and  I  axed  him  if  he  wanted  to  buy.  Sez 
he,  '  How  much  V  Says  I, '  Eight'n  pence.'  Sez  he, 
'  Is  them  all  yer  got  V  Sez  I, '  Yis.'  Ye  see,  jest  before 
this  feller  come  up,  1  counted  'em  and  there  was 
'zactly  'lev'n.  Then  this  'ere  feller  he  'gun  to  paw 
'em  over,  and  kinder  jumble  'em  up  together,  which 
I  thowt  was  wery  funny  ;  and  at  last,  sez  he,  '  Guess 
I  won't  take  none  this  mornin'. '  He  acted  so 
kinder  sneakin'  that  I  thowt  he  wasn't  all  right,  and 
'fore  he  got  out  of  sight  I  counted  the  eels  an'  found 
one  on  'em  was  missen.  I  put  for  this  'ere  feller 
and  ketched  him  at  the  corner,  an'  I  found  my 
'spicions  was  right,  for  on  searchin'  the  chap  I  found 
a  neel  up  in  'is  coat-sleeve.' 

''Judge, — How  did  he  keep  the  eel  up  in  his 
sleeve  ? 

''Mr.  Skinner. — ^Well,  that  was  done  in  a  kinder 
'genus  way  ;  he  had  a  fish'ook  on  the  end  of  a  line, 
an'  the  line  was  run  up  the  right  coat-sleeve,  over 


240 


'is  shoulder,  an'  it  come  down  inside  of  'is  coat  on 
the  left  side,  an'  he  come  np  to  the  stand,  an'  wen 
he  was  a  kinder  pawin'  over  the  eels  he  was  a 
ketchin'  the  fish'ook  in  the  tail  of  the  eel,  an'  as 
soon  as  it  was  ketched  in  he  pulled  the  line  with  his 
left  'and  an'  drawed  the  eel  up  inter  'is  sleeve  ;  an' 
as  soon  as  it  was  drawed  up  he  stopped  pawin'  an' 
left,  an'  'ere's  the  fish'ook  an'  line  wot  I  found  on 
'im ;  an'  I  think  he  oughter  be  sent  to  BlackweU's 
Island  for  bein'  a  wagrant. 

'''Judge. — Hook,  what  have  you  got  to  say  for  your- 
self? 

''Mr.  Hook, — I  'aven't  got  nothin'  to  say  honly  I 
vos  wery  'ungry  and  vas  a  lookin'  along  in  the  mar- 
ket ven  I  'appened  to  see  the  heels  vot  this  'ere  hold 
cock  'ad.  Sez  I  to  m'self,  sez  I,  now,  I'll  hax  the 
price  and  mebbee  the  hole  voman  may  vant  von  if 
they's  cheap.  Yell,  I  'appened  t'ave  a  'ook  and 
line  in  my  coat,  vich  I  spose  haccidentally  got 
ketched  in  von  of  the  heels,  and  ven  I  left  to  go  and 
tell  the  hole  voman  'ow  cheap  they  vas,  it  'ung  on 
to  the  'ook. 

"Judge. — ^That's  a  pretty  story  to  tell  me.  Do  you 
suppose  I  am  going  to  believe  it  ? 

"Mr.  Hoo'k.—Ovs.  the  honor  of  a  gentleman  that 
vas  the  vay  it  'appened. 


A   POET   IN   LIMBO.  241 

^^Judge.— At  any  rate,  I  shall  send  you  up  for  three 
months. 

^'Mr.  Sodk. — Bust  me,  I  honly  vish  you  'ad  to  try 
it  three  months  yourself,  you  vouldn't  think  it  vas 
quite  so  funny. 

"  Mr.  Palmerston  Hook  was  conducted  below. 

"Another  interesting  feature  of  the  proceedings 
during  the  morning  grew  out  of  the  case  of  Mr. 
Wallabout  Warbler,  whose  name  was  the  last  called. 

"  Mr.  Warbler  had  reached  the  last  stages  of  shabby 
gentility.  Time  had  told  sadly  on  his  garments, 
originally  of  fine  material  and  fashionable  cut.  His 
black,  curly  hair  was  whitened  out  by  contact  with 
whitewash,  and  his  nose  had  become  a  garden  for 
tbe  culture  of  blossoms  by  far  more  common  than 
they  are  proper.  But  Mr.  Warbler,  despite  the 
reverses  which  he  had  evidently  suffered,  stood 
proudly  and  gracefully  erect.  If  the  external  man 
was  in  a  state  of  dilapidation,  the  spirit  still  was  un- 
hurt. He  smiled  gracefully  when  the  Judge  ad- 
dressed him  and  told  him  that  he  was  charged  with 
having  been  arrested  in  a  state  of  drunkenness. 

"  Ofiicers  Clinch  and  Holdem  were  the  witnesses 

against  Mr.  Warbler.     They  stated  substantially  that 

a)30ut  one   o'clock  that  morning  they  found   Mr. 

Warbler  standing  in  a  garbage-barrel,  on  the  edge 
16 


242  A  RHYMING   EXAMINATION. 

of  the  sidewalk,  extemporizing  doggerel  to  an  imagi 
nary  audience.  They  insisted  upon  his  stopping, 
when  Mr.  Warbler  told  them  that  it  was  a  violation 
of  etiquette  to  interrupt  a  gentleman  when  he  was 
delivering  a  poem  before  the  alumni  of  a  college. 
He  was  evidently  under  the  influence  of  liquor,  and 
quite  out  of  his  mind.  They  thought,  for  his  own 
safety,  that  they  had  better  bring  him  to  the  station- 
house. 

''^ Judge. — Mr.  Warbler,  you  have  heard  what  tho 
officers  have  stated  about  your  eccentric  course  of 
conduct ;  how  did  you  happen  to  get  drunk  ? 

"if/r.  Warble/r, — 'Twas  night,  and  gloomy  darkness 
had  her  ebon  veil  unfurled,  and  nought  remained 
but  gas-lamps  to  light  up  this  'ere  world.  The 
heavens  frowned ;  the  twinkling  orbs,  with  silvery 
light  endowed,  were  all  occult  on  t'other  side  a 
thunderin'  big  black  cloud.  Pale  Luna,  too,  shed 
not  her  beams  upon  the  motley  groups  which  lazily 
were  standing  round  like  new  disbanded  troops — 

^^  Judge. — ^It's  not  to  hear  such  nonsense  that  I  oc- 
cupy this  seat — 

^^Mr.  WaMer. — A  death-like  stillness  e'er  prevailed 
on  alley,  pier  and  street. 

^^  Judge, — ^To  listen  to  such  stuff,  sir,  I  can't  sacri- 
fice my  time — 


WARBLEE    MORALIZES.  243 

"Jfy*.  W, — ^Don't  discombobilate  my  thouglit  and 
interrupt  my  rhyme  ;  I  think  that  when  misfortune 
is  put  on  its  defence,  poetic  justice,  logic,  law,  as 
well  as  common  sense,  demand  its  story  all  be  heard, 
unless  ex  parte  proof  is  to  send  poor  friendless  cusses 
underneath  the  prison's  roof.     Shall  I  proceed  ? 

^' Judge. — Proceed ;  but  don't  make  your  tale  too 
long. 

"J/t*.  W. — ^FU  heed  your  words,  depend  upon't.  I 
own  that  I  was  wrong  in  rushing  headlong  as  I  did 
into  inebriation,  but  let  me  question  now  the  Court ; 
is  it  not  a  palliation  of  the  depth  of  human  guilt  if 
malice  don't  incite  to  break  in  divers  fragments 
State  laws  wrong  or  right,  and  when  only  human 
appetite,  uncontrolled  by  human  reason  leads  men 
of  genius,  oftentime,  the  dish  of  life  to  season  with 
condiments  which  ^ro  tern,  the  mental  palate  tickle, 
yet  very  often,  in  the  end,  put  human  joys  in  pickle 
which  ain't  so  cussed  funny ;  though  all  of  the  ex- 
pense of  grub  and  the  et  ceteras  the  public  pays  for; 
hence,  I  ask  this  Court  (believing  that  its  feelings 
are  not  hampered)  if  justice  should  not  ever  be  with 
human  mercy  tempered  ? 

^' Judge. — ^Perhaps.  Now,  tell  me.  Warbler,  where 
you  bought  your  liquor. 

"jj/}".  W. — Anon  I'll  tell  you.    Last  week,  Judge, 


244  WAEBLEB  DKINKS  LAGEE-BIEK. 

prostrate  was  I,  far  sicker  than  to  me's  agreeable, 
with  the  diarrhea  chronicj  and  sympathizing  friends 
advised  that  I  should  take  some  tonic.  I  asked 
them  what :  at  once  they  said,  *  Get  some  lager-bier.' 
'Twas  got.  ^  Drink  freely,  boy,'  said  they,  *  nothing 
need  you  fear,  but  you'll  be  up  and  on  your  legs.' 
The  lager-bier  '  was  took ;'  soon  every  object  in  my 
sight  had  a  very  drunken  look.  Lager-bier  (to  Ger- 
man ears  the  words  may  be  euphonic.)  Tonic,  cer- 
tainly, it  was,  but  decidedly  too — tonic.  Abnormal 
thirst  excited  it,  and  I  went  to  great  excesses  (the 
statement's  quite  superfluous,  my  nose  the  fact  con- 
fesses). Last  night,  attracted  by  the  scenes  whicli 
Gotham's  streets  present,  I  dressed  myself  in  sombre 
clothes,  and  out  of  doors  I  went;  to  quench  my 
thirst  did  I  imbibe  the  more  of  lager-bier  at  Hoff- 
man's on  the  corner,  several  squares  from  here.  E"o 
more  know  I,  'cept  in  the  morn  I  wakened  from  my 
sleep,  and  having  sowed,  perhaps  I'll  learn  that  like- 
wise I  must  reap. 

"  Judge. — Have  you  got  ten  dollars  ? 

"J/t*.  W. — 'Tis  true,  I  hain't  a  red ;  I  suppose  the 
words  unpleasant  which  next  to  me'll  be  said  ;  that 
because  by  my  imprudence  my  pocket-book's  col- 
lapsed, in  prison  drear  must  I  remain  till  ten  days 
have  elapsed. 


VAN    DAM  AT    JEFFERSON  MAEKET.  245 

^^JTudge.—Vll  let  you  go  this  time. 

"J/r.  Wardler. — Ha,  say  you  so?  Is't  true,  that 
though  my  offence  is  rank,  in  vain  I  did  not  sue  for 
mercy  ;  ne'er  '11 1  fail  to  say  both  through  thin  and 
thick  in  the  circle  of  my  acquaintance  that  you're  a 
perfect  brick. 

"  Mr.  Wallabout  Warbler  left  the  room." 

Mr.  Yan  Dam  announced  that  he  had  visited  the 
Jefferson  Market  Police  Court  one  morjiing,  and 
though  there  was  much  in  the  proceedings  that  was 
uninteresting,  he  had  yet  been  able  to  collate  some 
facts  which  he  doubted  not  would  be  regarded  as 
worthy  of  being  recorded  upon  the  minutes  of  the 
club. 

After  taking  a  punch,  Mr.  Yan  Dam  proceeded. 

He  stated  that  a  dozen  or  two  individuals,  all  of 
whom,  not  having  the  fear  of  the  law  before  their 
eyes,  and  being  instigated  by  a  morbid  thirst,  and 
who  did  in  the  city  and  county  of  New  York  drink, 
swill,  imbibe,  smile,  guzzle,  suck,  and  pour  down 
various  spirituous,  fermented,  or  malt  liquors,  wine, 
beer,  ale  or  cider,  and  from  the  effects  thereof  did 
get  drunk,  were  severally  favored  with  moral  lec- 
tures and  ten  dollar  fines.  The  first  were  not  ap- 
preciated, and  the  second  were  not  paid. 

But  the   case  which   interested  Mr.  Yan  Dam 


24G  ^  GERMAN   WrrNESS. 

most  was  that  of  four  boys,  named  Frederick  T. 
White,  Michael  Keefe,  John  Wheeler,  and  Manning 
Hough,  who  were  arraigned  on  a  charge  of  disorderly 
conduct.  They  were  bright-looking  boys  of  about 
thirteen  years  of  age,  dressed  in  plain  but  neat 
clothes,  and  with  the  exception  of  White,  did  not 
seem  much  to  like  the  position  they  occupied. 
There  was  a  devil-may-care,  though  not  a  vicious 
look,  about  White,  which  was  positively  refreshing. 
He  seemed  to  rather  like  the  position  than  other- 
wise, and  from  a  roguish  leer  that  was  observed  in 
his  eye  as  he  surveyed  a  personage  who  was  to  ap- 
pear as  the  witness  against  him,  Mr  Van  Dam  was 
led  to  anticipate  something  in  the  shape  of  novelty, 
and  he  accordingly  prepared  for  the  worst.  The 
Judge  told  the  boys  the  nature  of  the  charge  against 
them.  The  name  of  the  witness  being  called,  Mr. 
Conrad  Heinrich  Holzenkamp  announced  his  pres- 
ence by  an  emphatic  '  Here.' 

Mr.  Holzenkamp  was  a  man  who  was  the  very  ideal 
of  a  lager  bier  saloon  keeper.  His  weight  was  at  least 
two  hundred  and  seventy-five  pounds,  one  half  of 
which  could  be  set  down  to  lager  bier.  His  height 
was  not  more  than  ^ve  feet  eight,  but  the  circumfer- 
ence and  diameter  of  the  lager  bier  were  enormous. 
He  caiTied  himself  erect  by  necessity  to  balance  the 


THE   OATH.  24:7 

lager  bier  in  the  front.  His  hide  was  in  wrinkles 
across  the  back  of  his  neck  whenever  he  held  back 
his  head,  and  every  wrinkle  seemed  ready  to  burst 
with  lager  bier.  Mr.  Holzenkamp's  face  looked 
lager  bier  ;  Mr.  Holzenkamp  walked  lager  bier, 
drank  and  ate  lager  bier  in  alternation.  He  thought 
lager  bier,  dreamed  lager  bier.  In  brief,  Mr.  Holzen- 
kamp was  composed  of  two  things :  first,  the  effects 
of  lager  bier ;  and  second,  lager  bier. 

Mr.  Blotter,  the  clerk,  administered  the  oath  in 
his  characteristic  manner  as  follows ; 

"  You  solemnly  swear,  in  the  presence  of  Almighty 
God,  that  the  evidence  which  you  shall  give  in  the 
present  case,  shall  be  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  and 
nothing  but  the  truth,  so  help  you  God,  kiss  the  book, 
and  get  out  of  my  way. 

"  Mr.  Holzenharwp. — I  can  shwear  to  all  de  dings 
vat  you  shpeak,  but  to  tell  de  whole  troot,  dat  can  I 
not  shwear ;  ven  I  can  dinks  fon  all  dese  boys  have 
done,  I  tells  you  more  as  genuff  to  sends  them  to  de 
Benidentiary  for  so  long  as  dey  lives;  a  hoonerd 
dings  dey  do  vot  I  dinks  not  of. 

''The  Court. — Kiss  the  book,  Mr.  Holzenkamp. 

"  The  witness  proceeded  to  bring  a  gill  of  lager  bier 
contained  in  his  nose,  and  a  half  gill  of  lager  bier 
contained  in  his  lips,  in  contact  with  a  venerable 


2i:8  DISTURBED   BY   CATS. 

Bible,  wliicli  has  been  so  familiar  with  crime  by 
long  association  that  we  almost  wonder  the  text 
has  not  been  long  since  corrupted  as  much  as  the 
cover.  Lager  bier  and  the  Bible  having  come  in 
contact,  lager  bier  is  supposed  to  be  incapable  of 
lying. 

"TA^  Cov/rt. — ^Mr.  Holzenkamp,  please  state  the 
circumstances  connected  with  the  arrest  of  these 
boys. 

"J/r.  H. — Yell,  on  Yensday  night,  at  von  o'clock, 
my  koostumers  dey  all  goes  vay  fom  mine  lager  bier 
saloon,  und  I  say  to  Yawcob  to  go  mit  him  and  put 
up  de  blinds ;  ven  he  goes  out  mineself,  mine  vife, 
ve  drinks  some  lager  bier,  and  den  I  dakes  de  money 
and  counts  dem  and  puts  dem  in  mine  pocket ;  ven 
Yawcob  come  in  ve  locks  de  door,  and  goes  de 
shtairs  up  to  shleep ;  vel  mine  vife  and  I  get  to  de 
bed  in,  so  soon  as  ve  can,  and  den  I  shleeps ;  ven  I 
bin  shleep  leetle  vile  mine  vife  she  shakes  me  and 
say, '  Heinrich,  de  cats  dey  makes  ngise  in  de  shtreets 
so  dat  I  cannot  shleep ;'  ven  I  vakes  up  I  hear  so 
much  cats  squall  in  de  shtreets  dat  I  dinks  dere  vas 
a  meetin  fon  cat  politicians.  But  dey  makes  so  much 
noise  I  cannot  vink  mine  eyes  vonce  to  shleep ;  so  I 
get  up  and  goes  to  de  window  and  say  *  shcat,'  *  shcat ;' 
but  de  more  I  say  shcat  de  more  dey  vill  not  shcat. 


MYSTERIOUS    CATERWAULING  8.  24:9 

I  say  to  mine  vife, '  Katrina,  you  bin  so  younger  and 
so  smaller  as  I  bin,  you  go  down  in  de  shti'eets  and 
drives  'vay  de  cats.'  My  vife  den  goes  down,  and 
ven  she  opens  de  door  de  cat  squalls  not  more,  and 
site  looks  to  see  dem,  but  dere  is  not  cats  in  de 
shtreets.  Yen  she  comes  de  shtairs  up  again  and  say 
de'cats  bin  gone  ve  lie  on  de  bed  to  shleep ;  veil,  ven 
I  bin  yust  shleep  most,  mine  Gott !  I  hear  de  cats 
so  louder  as  before,  and  I  say  to  mine  vife  all  de  cats 
in  de  city  bin  come  on  the  shtep-valk  fon  mine  lager 
bier  saloon ;  dey  squall  like  hoonerd  dyvels,  and  I 
try  more  to  shcat  dem  vay.  But  it  was  i^o  goot ;  dey 
shquall — ^I  cannot  say  to  you  so  bad  as  dey  shquall. 
Mine  vife  say  dere  bin  a  tunder-shower  fon  cats ;  veil 
I  lie  in  mine  bed  and  shtand  it  so  long  as  I  can,  I 
jump  up  und  shwear  dat  I  shoots  all  de  cats  in  de 
vorld ;  I  dakes  mine  bistol  and  runs  de  shtairs  down, 
but  I  bin  so  mad,  und  I  go  so  quick,  dat  I  falls  the 
shtairs  over,  und  in  a  minute  finds  mine  head  knock 
on  de  vail,  my  right  hand  in  some  Schweitzer  cheese, 
de  oder  in  de  shpit-box,  und  von  foot  in  de  big  ice- 
pitcher  ;  so  soon  as  I  can  gits  up  and  goes  to  de  door 
und  opens  it,  I  goes  on  de  shtep-valk,  und  mine  foot 
shlips,  and  I  falls  down  on  mine  back,  and  breaks 
all  de  bones  in  mine  body;  I  feels  mine  hand 
on  de  shtep-valk,  and  I  find  it  bin  all  covered. mit 


250  THE  MYSTEKY 

soft  soap;  I  dries  to  raise  mineself,  but  I  bin  so 
heavy  dat  I  down  falls  before  I  get  up ;  yust  den 
mine  vife  come  and  help  me.  and  bulls  me  fom  de 
shtep-valk  in  de  door ;  ve  do  not  hear  de  cats  den, 
und  so  ve  goes  to  de  beds  again ;  so  soon  as  ve  lie 
down  I  hears  de  cats  so  vorse  as  de  oder  time — I 
hears  notings  but  cats ;  I  never  was  so  much  afraid 
except  vonce  ven  a  lager  bier  barrel  fly  in  bieces ;  I 
goes  to  de  vindow  and  I  dinks  I  hear  dem  on  de  awn- 
ing, und  I  gets  out ;  yust  den  de  cats  shtop,  but  I 
say  I  vill  find  vere  dey  bin  on  de  awning ;  I  valk 
along  und  my  foot  trips  on  some  shtrings,  and  ven  I 
fall  I  hear  one  loud  cat-sh quail  dat  fright  me  so  dat 
I  dinks  I  bin  fall  on  more  as  dhree  hoonered  cats ; 
ven  I  can  get  up  I  feels  on  de  shtrings,  und  I  valks 
till  I  finds  a  box;  I  brings  de  box  to  de  vindow; 
Katrina  gets  de  lamp  und  dete  ve  find  in  de  long 
vood  shoe-box  seven  cats  vat  vas  fixed  dis  way: 
seven  notch  holes  vas  cut  in  de  side  de  box,  and  de 
cats  was  put  in  de  box  mit  deir  heads  shtick  out  de 
holes ;  on  de  oder  side  de  box  was  seven  leetle  notch 
holes  vere  vas  de  cats'  dails,  und  a  shtring  vas  tie  to 
all  de  cats'  dails ;  I  know  dat  de  cats  come  not  in  de 
box  by  demselves,  und  so  I  look  to  see  vere  vas  de 
boys;  I  comes  de  shtairs  down  again,  goes  on  de 
shtep-valk  so  soft  as  I  can,  and  I  finds  vere  de  strings 


EXPLAINED.  251 

comes  down  fom  de  awning ;  I  keeps  hold  de  shtring 
till  I  find  it  come  to  a  big  sugar  hogshead  by  de  next 
house,  and  dere  I  find  dese  boys ;  yust  den  I  say 
'  Yatch  I^  and  de  boliceman  comes  and  dakes  de  boys 
to  de  station-house ;  I  believe  dey  is  de  same  boys  as 
trouble  me  before. 

"  The  Court. — Boys,  what  have  you  got  to  say  foi 
yourselves  for  such  conduct  ? 

"Master  White  volunteered  to  act  as  spokesman. 
He  said : 

"  Well,  one  day  we  was  a  playing  in  front  of  this 
'ere  man's  lager  bier  saloon,  and  he  come  out  and 
threatened  to  lick  us  if  we  didn't  stop.  We  kej  t  on, 
and  bine-by  he  comes  to  the  door  when  we  wasn't 
a  lookin',  and  threw  a  pailful  of  dirty  water  on  us. 
We  thought  we'd  got  as  good  a  right  to  the  street  as 
he  had,  so  we  made  up  our  minds  to  be  even  with 
him,  and  we  got  the  box  and  cats  and  serenaded 
him. 

"  Mr.  Holzenkamp  stated  that  he  baptized  the  boys 
a  few  days  before  as  described.  The  boys  promised 
not  to  bother  lager  bier  saloon  keepers  any  more,  in 
consideration  of  which  they  were  discharged." 

Mr.  Yan  Dam  stated  that  the  last  case  called 
was  that  of  Mr.  Timothy  OTSTeil. 

The  case  he  said  occupied  the  attention  of  the 


252  THE  CASE  OP 

court  nearly  a  half  hour,  owing  to  the  difficulty  which 
the  court  experienced  in  getting  him  to  make  direct 
responses  to  his  questions. 

"  Timothy  appeared  in  a  grey  dress-coat — that  is 
to  say,  it  was  high  in  the  waist,  with  a  short  and 
pointed  tail,  a  feature  oftener  produced  by  tailors 
than  by  literary  men  of  the  present  day.  Timothy's 
vest  was  red ;  his  breeches  were  made  of  corduroy. 
Below  them  were  long  coarse  stockings  and  brogans. 

"The  evidence  went  to  show  that  Timothy  had 
been  found  drunk  in  the  street,  but  he  was  not  com- 
municative on  the  subject.  He  did  not  call  the 
officer  a  liar  after  he  had  heard  him  give  his  evidence, 
nor  tell  the  judge  that  he  was  an  '  owld  tief.'  Ho 
said  nothing  until  he  was  asked  to  take  the  usual 
oath.  The  Judge  said :  'Mr.  O'lSTeil,  put  your  hand 
on  the  book.'  Mr.  O'Keil  complied  cautiously,  fear- 
ing the  result  of  his  act.  "When  the  words  of  the 
oath  were  uttered  he  made  the  sign  of  the  cross, 
and  after  being  requested  by  the  court,  kissed  tho 
Bible. 

"  The  Cleric, — ^What's  your  name  ? 

"  Prisoner, — ^The  same  as  me  father's. 

"  *  What  was  his  name  V 

"  *  The  same  as  mine.' 

"  '  Tell  me  your  name  or  you  shall  be  locked  up.* 


253 


"'Timotliy.' 

"'And  what  else?' 

"  '  I  haven't  any  middle  name.' 

"  *  I  mean  your  last  name.' 

"'O'lSTeil.' 

"  '  How  long  have  yon  been  in  the  city  V 

"  '  Since  I  come  to  the  counthry.' 

"'How  long  is  that?' 

"  '  Pat  Hooligan  can  tell  ye  betther  nor  I  can.' 
.    "'What  month  was  it?' 

"  '  The  first  Sunday  in  Lint.' 

"  '  Where  do  you  live  ?' 

"  '  Wid  Biddy  and  the  childer.' 

"'Wheredo  they  live?' 

" '  The  second  floor,  back  room,  bad  luck  to  the 
bugs  that's  in  it.' 

"  '  I  mean  what  street  ?' 

"  '  Mike  Henessy's  store  is  on  the  first  floor.' 

"  '  Tell  me  what  street  the  house  is  on  ?' 

" '  Who  the  divil  can  tell  whin  they  are  changin' 
the  names  of  the  blackguard  streets  so  much  ?' 

"  '  What  was  the  street  called  before  the  name  was 
changed?' 

"  '  Anthony  street ;  they  calls  it  by  another  name 
now.' 

"  '  Worth  street  I  suppose  you  mean?' 


254 


" '  I  mane  that  the  painter  should  have  put  it 
Worthless  street.' 

"  '  Whereabouts  in  Worth  street  V  ^ 

"  '  Three  doors  from  the  comer.' 

"< What  corner?' 

"  '  The  comer  of  the  street.' 

"« What  street?' 

" '  Tlie  street  three  doors  above.' 

"  '  Well  what  is  its  name  V 

" '  Bad  luck  to  you,  why  didn't  ye  ^x  me  that 
before?' 

"  '  Well,  tell  me  the  name.' 

"  '  Faith  I  don't  know  miself.    It's  an  alley.' 

"  '  Well,  wliat's  the  number  of  the  house  ?' 

"  *  The  number  on  the  door  do  you  mane  V 

" '  Certainly.' 

"' There  isn't  anny.' 

"  '  What  is  your  trade  ?' 

"  '  Me  father  never  'prenticed  me. 

"  i  I  mean  what  do  you  work  at  ?' 

"  '  I  don't  do  any  work.' 

"'Why?' 

" '  Because  you've  got  me  locked  up  in  prison.' 

" '  Will  you  tell  me  what  you  work  at  when  out 
of  prison?' 

"  *  I'm  a  laborin'  man,  sir  ' 


BAD   LIQTJOK.  255 

"  'At  what  were  you  employed?' 

"  '  Haird  work.' 

"'What  kind  of  work?' 

" ' In  the  shores'  (sewers). 

"  '  You  are  charged  with  being  drunk.' 

"  '  Dhrunk,  is  it.  Faith,  I  never  was  more  sober 
in  my  life  than  I  am  at  this  minute.' 

" '  That  may  be ;  but  here  are  a  half-dozen  men 
who  are  ready  to  swear  that  they  saw  you  drunk 
yesterday.' 

"  '  Av  it  comes  to  that,  can't  I  bring  twiste  as 
jnanny  who  will  swear  that  they  didn't  see  me  dhrunk 
yisterday.' 

"  '  What  kind  of  liquor  did  you  drink  V 

"  '  Mighty  bad  liquor,  and  "ye'd  say  the  same  av 
ye  was  to  thry  it.' 

"  '  Was  it  malt  or  spirituous  liquor  V 

" '  It  was  nayther ;  it  was  whisky.' 

"  '  Where  did  you  purchase  it?' 

"^  At  the  Dutchman's.' 

"  '  Where  is  his  store  ?' 

"  '  On  the  corner.' 

"'What  corner?' 

" '  The  comer  nearest  to  where  they're  buildin' 
the  shtore.' 

"'Where  is  that?' 


256  TIMOTHY  DISCHABGED. 

"  *  Where  I  was  workin'.' 

"  The  Court. — ^Wliat  was  O'Neil  doing  when  yon 
found  him  ? 

"  Officer. — He  was  lying  very  drunk  in  a  hole 
which  he  had  been  digging. 

^^ Prisoner. — ^Be  me  sowl  you're  wrong  for  wonst ;  I 
didn't  dig  the  howl ;  I  dug  out  the  dirt  and  left  the 
howl. 

"  *  Were  you  ever  up  before  the  Court  before  V 

"  ^  No,  nor  behind  aither ;  when  I  want  to  be  again, 
I'll  sind  to  your  honor  and  let  ye  know.' 

"  *  If  I  let  you  off  this  time  will  you  keep  sober?' 

"  '  Faith  I  will,  unliss  the  Dutchmin  keep  betther 
liquor  nor  they  do  now.' 

"  '  You  may  go.' 

"  '  Thank  ye,  sir — ^ye're  a  gintleman,  av  there  iver 
was  wan.' 

"  Mr.  Timothy  O  Neil  left  the  court-room." 

Mr.  Dropper  also  proposed  to  relate  the  experience 
of  some  half  a  dozen  mornings  which  he  had  spent 
in  the  pursuit  of  amusement  under  difficulties,  when 
he  had  occupied  himself  in  seeing  the  sights  around 
the  Jefferson  Market  Police  Court. 

"  On  one  of  the  mornings  which  I  devoted  to 
visiting  the  Tombs,"  said  Mr.  Dropper,  "  the  class  of 
prisoners  varied.     Most  of  them  claimed  to  be  from 


A  COMPLICATED  CASE.  257 

tlie  western  of  tlie  British  Isles.     Otliers  said  they 

were  born  in  Cork,  Clare,  Down,  and  other  counties. 

A  number  answered  to  patronymics  to  which  were 

prefixed  the  letter  O,  and  an  apostrophe.    One  party, 

who  called  themselves  Fardowners,  looked  brick-bats 

at  another  party  who  occupied  a  remote  corner  of 

the  cage,  and  who  claimed  to  be  Connaughtmen. 

the  remainder  of  the  prisoners  were  Irish. 

"  An  interesting  feature  in  the  proceedings  of  the 

morning  was  a  case  in  which  Owen  Shaughnessy, 

Patrick  Mulholland,  Michael  O'Shea,  Timothy  Lea- 

hey,  Dennis  Maroney,  Dermot  McDermott,  Phelim 

Flannegan,  Bridget  O'Keefe,  Mary  McBride,  Ellen 

Dougherty  and  Bridget  Casey  were  the  defendants. 

As  the  Judge  called  out  their  names,  the  prisoners 

severally  responded.     Tliey  were  all,  as  their  names 

would  indicate,  of  Irish  birth.     The  men,  evidently 

long-shoremen  and  laborers,  and  the  women,  servants. 

Tlieir  garments,  in  some  instances,  were  torn,  and  in 

other  ways  disarranged  and  soiled.     The  men,  and 

in  one  or  two  instances  the  women,  showed  bruises 

about  their  faces  and  hands,  indicating  their  active 

participation  in  a  recent  scrimmage,  from  the  effects 

of  which  they  had  not  had  the  time,  or  soap  and 

water,  to  enable  them  to  recover. 

"  Mr.  Gerald  O'Grady,  who  stands  at  the  head  of 
17  . 


258  A   TOMEb   LAWYER. 

the  bar  at  tlie  Tombs,  and  who,  under  adverse  cir- 
cumstances and  strong  competition,  has  been  ena- 
bled, by  his  talents,  to  keep  up  his  tariff  of  fees, 
iVoni  which  he  has  never  deviated,  appeared  as 
counsel  for  the  prisoners.  Mr.  O'Grady  has  never 
been  known  to  defend  a  case  for  less  than  fifty  cents, 
unless,  actuated  by  feelings  of  commendable  philan- 
thropy, he  has  volunteered  his  professional  services 
gratis.  It  may  be  reasonably  supposed  that  his  suc- 
cess has  excited  the  envy  of  the  'sliysters;'  for  while 
they  have  to  sit  oftentimes  a  whole  morning  beside 
their  respective  granite  columns  at  the  Tombs,  with- 
out being  called  upon  to  defend  a  case,  Mr.  O'Gra- 
dy's  presence  in  the  court-room  is  in  frequent 
demand.  Mr.  O'Grady  had  been  retained  in  this 
case,  I  learned,  by  seven  of  the  defendants,  at  a  cer- 
tain specified  fee  for  each  man,  he  volunteering  his 
professional  services  to  the  ladies  without  charge. 
He  announced  to  the  Court  that  he  represented  the 
defendants,  and  that  they  were  ready  to  have  the 
trial  commence. 

"  '  Is  Mr.  O'Grady  your  counsel  V  the  Judge 
inquired  of  the  defendants. 

"  *  Yes,  yer  honor,'  said  one  of  the  parties  address- 
ed ;  '  didn't  I  pay  him  five  shillings — divil  a  hap'ny 
less — for  to  defind  me.' 


HIS  KETAINER.  259 

"  *  Five  shillings  V  said  Mr.  O'Grady,  indignantly, 
'  you  mane  that  as  a  retainer,  of  coorse.' 

''JDefendant — I  mane  that's  all  ye'll  get,  anny 
how 

"CouTisel  (loudly). — Say,  sir,  it  is  time  for  you  to 
know  that,  as  a  client,  you  should  addhress  the  Coort 
only  through  your  counsel.  (To  the  Court.)  Sir, 
my  clients  here,  paceable  citizens,  stand  ready  for 
to  answer,  through  me,  to  the  diabolical  chairges 
which  designin'  min  have  brought  against  thim, 

feelin'  within  their  breasts (Here  Mr.  O'Grady 

hit  one  of  his  clients  a  severe  blow  in  his  bread- 
basket). 

^'Assaulted  Client- — Oh !  h-h — . 

"  Counsel  (to  client). — ^Keep  your  mouth  shut,  why 
don't  you?  (To  the  Court.)  Feelin',  as  I  said 
before,  widthin  their  breasts,  the  proud  conscious- 
ness of  their  entire  innocence  of  anny  charges  which 
their  accusers  could  dare  for  to  bring  against  thim. 

"  The  witnesses  were  Sergeant  Ferrett  and  Officers 
Snap,  Catcher,  O'Grasp,  Ketchum,  Holder,  and  Yan 
Knabem. 

"  Officer  Holder  stated,  in  substance,  that  while 
patrolling  his  beat  during  Thursday  night,  the  in- 
mates of  a  house,  'Eo.  83^  Pacific  Place,  began  to 
get  very  disorderly.    From  the  bowlings  and  noises 


260  AN  IRISH   WAKE. 

which  lie  heard,  he  came  to  the  conclusion  that 
there  was  a  wake  in  the  house.  Not  desiring  to 
stop  the  disturbance  by  any  violent  means,  he 
knocked  at  the  door,  with  the  view  of  telling  them 
that  they  were  disturbing  the  public  peace,  and 
requesting  them  to  desist.  No  response  was  made 
to  his  knock.  He  then  put  his  mouth  to  the  key- 
hole of  the  door,  and  announced  to  them,  as  audibly 
as  he  could,  that  unless  they  desisted,  he  should  have 
to  call  other  officers  and  arrest  them.  'No  attention 
was  paid  to  his  words.  Sergeant  Ferrett  arrived 
soon  after,  and  inasmuch  as  the  disturbance  con- 
tinued to  increase,  they  called  in  the  other  officers  to 
make  a  descent  on  the  place,  not,  however,  until 
th-ey  had  first  endeavored,  by  their  voices,  to  make 
the  inmates  of  the  house  understand  the  consequence 
to  them,  in  case  they  persisted  in  their  unlawful 
course.  Officer  Ketchum,  who  had  formerly  patrolled 
the  beat,  knew  of  a  rear  entrance  to  the  house 
through  an  alley,  and  they  accordingly  entered  the 
house  by  that  way.  They  found  about  twenty  per- 
sons present,  men  and  women,  engaged  in  a  promis- 
cuous scrimmage,  howling,  drinking,  and  fighting. 
Tlie  orders  of  the  sergeant  to  cease  their  disturbance 
did  not  avail  anything,  which  decided  them  to  arrest 
*the  leading  actors  in  the  scene,  which  they  forthwith 


261 


accomplislied,  after  some  considerable  resistance  on 
the  part  of  tlie  company.  Tliey  brouglit  tliem  to 
the  station-house.  The  remainder  of  the  party  sub- 
sequently retired  or  left  the  place,  which  was  quiet 
for  the  rest  of  the  night. 

"The  remaining  officers  confirmed  the  evidence 
of  officer  Holder,  in  such  of  its  particulars  as  they 
were  acquainted  with.  All  of  them  were  cross- 
questioned,  more  or  less,  by  Mr.  O'Grady,  without, 
however,  eliciting  any  new  facts  of  material  interest, 

"  Mr.  •  O'Grady  introduced,  as  a  witness  for  the 
defense,  Mrs.  Katheleen  Hennesy. 

"  Mrs.  Hennesy  is  a  lady  of  about  forty-five  years 
of  age,  five  feet  ten  inches  in  height,  weighing  about 
two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds.  She  has  a  florid  face. 
Her  dress  was  remarkable  for  the  extent  with  which 
it  was  ornamented  with  highly-colored  ribbons  and 
laces,  gathered  in  fantastic  bows. 

"  Mr.  Blotter,  the  clerk,  administered  the  usual 
oath. 

"Mrs.  Hennesy,  having  kissed  the  book,  the 
examination  was  commenced. 

"Jf/i*.  0^  Grady. — ^Misthress  Hennesy,  will  you  state 
to  the  Coort  if  you're  the  proprietor  of  the  house  No. 
83^  Pacific  Place. 

'^Mts.  Hennesy. — Av  coorse  I  am,  and  divil  a 


AN  ECCENTRIC  CORPSE. 

hap'ny  is  there  owin'  to  anny  man  for  what's  inside 
of  it. 

"Jfn  O'G, — ^Wbat  kind  of  a  house  do  you  keep 
there? 

'-''Mrs.  H. — Is  it  for  to  prove  that  the  charackther 
of  me  house  is  not  good  that  yer  afther  axin'  the 
question  ? 

"J/t*.  O^G. — Misthress  Hennesy,  could  ye  make  it 
convanient  to  thrate  this  Coort  wid  becoming 
respect,  by  answerin'  the  questions  that  I  put  to  ye, 
for  the  purpose  of  establishin'  a  definse  of  these 
ladies  and  gintlemen,  some  of  whom,  I  am  towld,  are 
inmates  of  yer  house  \  What  kind  of  a  house,  I'll  ax 
ye  wonst  more,  do  ye  keep  ? 

^^Mrs.  H. — It's  a  respectable,  honest  boordin'- 
house ;  bad  luck  to  the  blackgaird  that  says  it's  not. 

"J/^.  0^0. — Will  you  plase  to  state  to  the  Coort 
the  facts  of  the  unfortunate  occurrence  that  thran- 
spired  in  yer  house  last  night  ? 

"Jl/r^.  H. — For  the  matther  o'  that,  there's  mighty 
little  for  to  tell ;  for  it  was  nothin'  more  nor  a  wake, 
barrin'  that  the  corpse  come  to  life  widout  showin' 
the  civility  of  first  tellin'  the  mourners  that  he 
wasn't  dead  at  all  at  all,  and  say  in', '  By  yer  lave,  I'd 
rather  not  be,  av  it's  all  the  same  to  yez.' 

"J/r.  O^G. — It's  about  that,  Misthress  Hennesy, 


A   FBEE    FIGHT.  263 

that  his  honor  is  a  waitin'  for  ye  to  spake  of.     Kow, 
tliiD,  will  ye  relate  the  facts? 

'•''Mrs.  II. — Well,  plase  yer  honor,  it  was  yesther- 
day  mornin'  airly  that  I  heard  Timothy  Garretty 
was  up  stairs  in  his  room,  very  sick,  and  like  to 
die.  I  dhressed  myself,  and  sent  for  the  docther, 
and  went  up  stairs;  and  throth  Tim  was  a  lyin' 
there  in  wan  of  his  fits,  wid  which  he  had  been  often 
throubled  before;  and  before  the  docther  could 
come  to  him,  the  circulation  of  his  brathin'  had 
stopped  entirely.  Well,  yer  honor,  Tim  had  mannji 
frinds  in  the  house,  and  as  he  was  an  owld  boordher, 
we  thought  to  howld  a  wake  over  his  body.  He  was 
laid  out,  and  put  into  a  coffin.  At  night  all  of  his 
frinds  come  into  the  room,  where  everything  was 
illegantly  arranged  for  the  wake.  They  had  begun 
to  dhrink  their  whisky,  and  was  enjoy  in'  themselves 
in  a  gintale  way,  whin  Pat  Mulholland,  he  sthruck 
Mike  O'Shea  over  the  eye  for  somethin'  that  Mike 
had  said,  and  wid  that  Mike's  frinds  and  Pat's  frinds 
got  themselves  mixed  up  in  a  free  fight  together. 
At  that  time,  plase  yer  honor,  w^ho  should  I  see 
arisin'  from  the  coffin  but  Timothy  Garretty  himself 
and  restin'  on  his  hands.  By  my  sowl  I  was  freck 
ened,  for  I  thought  it  was  Tim's  apparition  that  wab 
appearin'.     Thin  Tim  spoke  up;  *Bad  luck  to  yez,' 


264 


THE  WAKE. 


says  he,  *  isn't  it  a  fine  thing  yez  is  doin' — ^havin'  the 
whisky  flowin'  free,  and  a  free  fight,  too,  and  keepin' 
me  a  lyin'  in  this  blackgaird  box  on  the  broad  of  me 
back,  widoiit  ever  so  much  as  axin'  me  if  I  had  a 
mouth  on  me  at  all  at  all  V  Wid  that  somebody  who 
was  a  strikin'  happened  to  hit  Timothy  a  clout  in  the 
eye,  which  knocked  him  back  into  the  coffin. 

"  '  "Who  the  divil  did  that?'  sez  Tim,  as  he  made  a 
spring  from  the  coffin  on  to  the  floor,  dhressed  all  up 
in  his  white  clothes.  *  Show  me  the  man  that 
sh truck  me  in  me  eye ;'  and  wid  tliat  Tim  he  com- 
menced a  shtrikin'  out,  and  he  shtruck  Dennis 
Marony  under  the  but  of  the  lug.  Whin  they  saw 
Tim  orut  of  his  coffin,  they  stopped  a  fightin',  and  fell 


THE  CORPSE  IN  COURT.  265 

on  their  knees,  and  commenced  a  sayin'  theii 
prayers.     '  What's  the  matther  wid  yez  V  says  Tim. 

"  '  Are  ve  not  dead  V  says  Larry  O'Brien. 

"  '  Yes,  as  dead  as  a  nest  of  live  iiaze,'  says  Tim. 

"  '  Then  yer  alive,'  says  they. 

"  '  Thry  me  wid  some  whisky,'  says  he ;  and  wid 
that  they  got  up  and  give  Tim  some  whisky,  which 
he  never  dhrank  wid  a  betther  grace  nor  thin. 
Well,  as  Tim  wasn't  dead,  they  couldn't  howld  the 
wake,  but  they  said  it  would .  be  a  pity  to  lave  the 
whisky  to  spoil,  so  they  agreed  that  they'd  have  the 
spree  just  the  same.  Tim  was  purty  wake  from  his 
fit,  and  so  it  didn't  take  long  to  make  him  dead 
dhrunk,  whin  we  laid  him  in  his  bed.  Afther  that, 
yer  honor,  they  kept  on  a  dhrinkin',  and  was  fightin' 
in  the  most  frindly  way,  whin  the  M.  P.s  come  into 
the  door,  and  tuck  some  of  thim  off  to  the  station- 
house.  I  thin  shut  up  the  house,  and  the  rest  wint 
to  bed. 

''Judge. — Mrs.  Hennesy,  where  is  Timothy,  the 
corpse  ? 

"  'Here,  sir,'  said  a  cadaverous-looking  Hibernian, 
'■  a  little  the  worse  for  dyin'  widout  bein'  very 
dead.' 

''Judge. — I  think  you're  good  for  a  few  years  yet 
if  you   take  care  of  yourself.     Mr.  O'Grady,  have 


206  AliGUMENT   OF 

your  other  witnesses  anything  to  testify  in  addition 
to  wliat  Mrs.  Hennesy  has  stated  ? 

"_3/^.  0^  Grady. — I  belave  not,  yer  honer.  The 
material  facts  of  the  definse  are  sufficiently  proven 
by  Mistliress  Hennesy's  evidence.  Av  the  Coort 
plase,  I  have  a  few  words  to  say  in  behalf  of  me 
clients  here,  which,  av  the  Coort  will  hear  me,  I  will 
make  brief  and  to  the  point. 

'-Judye. — Go  on. 

"Jfn  0^  Grady. — ^Thin,  av  the  Coort  plase,  I  will 
state  that  the  ground  of  my  definse  of  these  gintle- 
men  and  ladies  against  the  unfounded  chairge  of 
their  djsturbin'  the  public  pace,  is  that  the  chairge 
is  unthrue  in  point  of  fact.  Sir,  what  are  the  facts  ? 
A  man  dies,  and  his  friends  congregate  about  the 
corpse  to  perform  their  last  friendly  offices  to  his 
remains,  in  accordance  with  a  custom  justified  by 
thradition,  ratified  by  usage,  sanctified  by  antiquity, 
vilified  by  these  officers  of  the  law  when  they  call  it 
a  disturbance  of  the  public  quiet,  crucified  when 
they  burst  in  the  house  of  mournin'  and  interfered 
wid  it  in  the  name  of  the  law  ;  and,  sir,  I  shall  now 
proceed  to  establish  a  definse,  hone  fide^  with  the 
soundness  of  which  I  belave  yer  honor  will  be  satis- 
fied. Sir,  the  Constitution  guarantees  to  myvclients 
freedom  of  conscience  ;  the  stairs  and  sthripes  wave 


26t 

proudly  over  a  land  in  which  religious  despotism 
never  dare  show  its  repulsive  form;  and  yet  these 
officers  dare  to  say  that  a  custom,  which  is  almost  a 
pairt  of  the  religion  of  these  my  clients,  is  a  dis- 
turbance of  the  public  pace.  Sir,  the  institutions  of 
our  counthry  air  endangered  by  such  perceedin's. 
And  who  was  they  disturbin'  ?  "Wasn't  every  man 
and  woman  and  child  in  Pacific  Place  of  the  same 
nationality  of  these  my  clients  ?  Air  not  their  eth- 
nological instincts  runnin'  in  the  same  channels? 
Was  they  disturbed  ?  No  I  Every  man  and  woman 
and  child  there  would  have  admired  the  devotion 
of  these  my  clients,  to  their  ancient  national  thra- 
ditions  and  customs.  There  they  was  wan  wid 
another  doin'  their  last  friendly  offices  to  their  de- 
ceased friend  in  a  fraternal  fight  over,  his  corpse. 
Sir,  what  a  sublime  spectacle  for  the  human  mind 
to  contemplate.  I  wondher  that  the  officers  were 
not  thransfixed  by  the  solemnity  and  moral  grandeur 
of  the  scene. 

''^ Judge. — Mr.  O'Grady,  I  think  that  the  fact  of 
the  dead  having  come  to  life,  and  having  been  put 
to  bed  dead  drunk,  proves  disastrous  for  your  argu- 
ment, even  admitting  its  soundness. 

"Jfn  G^  Grady. — Thrue  it  is,  yer  honor,  that  the 
wake  was  perceedin'  without  the  corpse,  as  thradition 


THE  CASE  CONCLUDED. 

has  it,  that  wonst  upon  a  time  Hamlet  was  played 
widout  the  Prince  of  Denmark ;  but,  yer  honor,  it 
was  the  fault  of  the  corpse,  and  not  of  that  assembly 
of  mourners.  If  Timothy  Garretty  had  chosen  to 
have  remained  a  dacintly-behaved  corpse,  thin  the 
objection  which  yer  honor  has  raised  could  not  have 
weighed  against  me  clients  here,  and  I  press  it  now 
upon  yer  honor  should  my  clients  here  be  held  ac- 
countable for  the  shortcomings  of  the  corpse  ?  I 
think  not,  sir. 

^^  Judge, — I  think,  Mr.  O'Grady,  you  may  dispense 
with  further  argument,  as  it  would  be  superfluous. 
Mrs.  Hennesy's  house  and  its  inmates  have  never 
been  complained  of  before  that  I  am  aware  of,  and 
in  consideration  of  this  fact  I'll  discharge  the  prison- 
ers, giving  them  warning,  however,  in  the  future 
that  if  they  are  any  of  them  brought  before  me 
again,  I  shall  not  deal  with  them  so  leniently.  You 
may  go. 

"  The  interesting  party  left  the  court. 

"  The  business  of  the  court  having  been  quite  ex- 
tended, the  Judge  cast  eyes  upon  the  clock,  observ- 
ing that  the  hour  was  already  advanced,  but  as  he 
looked  at  the  list  of  cases  before  him,  he  observed 
with  a  seeming  satisfaction,  that  he  had  now  reached 
the  last ;  he  felicitated  himself  with  the  idea  that  in 


TIMOTHY   MULEGONET.  269 

a  few  moments  he  would  be  at  liberty  to  leave  the 
premises,  and  after  finding  his  way  to  some  neigh; 
boring  restaurant,  partake  of  his  judicial  sirloin 
steak  and  coffee.  He  was  evidently  fatigued,  but  he 
put  on  a  good-humored  face  as  he  called  out : 

"  '  Timothy  Mulrooney.' 

"  '  Here,  sir,'  said  a  young  Milesian,  remarkable 
for  nothing  in  particular ;  '  here  I  am,  sir :'  and 
Timothy  Mulrooney  stepped  forward  to  the  bar. 

The  Judge  addressed  the  prisoner  : 

" '  Timothy,'  said  he,  '  you  are  charged  with  dis- 
orderly conduct.' 

" '  Yes  sir,  he  is,  and  it's  me  that  chairges  him  wid 
that  same,'  spoke  up  an  old  woman,  dressed  in  a 
heavy,  blue  cloth  cloak,  and  an  antiquated  cap  and 
bonnet. 

^^ Judge. — Are  you  the  witness  ? 

"  Woman. — Av  coorse  I  am,  your  honor,  and  it's 
me  pride  that  I  can  spake  against  Tim  Mulrooney — 
the  dirty  tief  of  the  world  that  he  is  (to  the  prisoner), 
and  I  wondher,  Tim,  that  you're  not  ashamed  to 
howld  up  yer  head  before  his  honor. 

^^ Judge. — Madame,  state  the  facts  as  they  oc- 
curi-ed. 

"  Witness. — Well,  plase  your  honor,  it  was  on 
Friday  mornin'  or  Saturday  mornin',  I  don't  know 


2<n 


wliicb  ,  bt't  be  that  as  it  may,  it  doesn't  make  anny 
diiFerc7io«,  because  it's  about  what  followed  that  yer 
honor  wants  for  to  know,  when  I  heard  the  horn 
of  a  fish-cairt  in  front  of  my  door ;  sez  I  to  myself, 
now  Michael  has  come  wid  the  porgies,  and — 

^^ Judge. — Who  is  Michael  ? 

^'Witness. — And  don't  ye  know  Michael,  sure? 
he  is  my  own  child,  and  a  betther-behaved  and  more 
da  cent  boy  nor  him  never  sang  at  a  wake ;  and  he 
can  rade  and  write  yer  honor,  as  well  as  annybody, 
barrin'  that  whin  he  comes  to  the  big  words  he  has 
to  skip  them,  and  guess  at  what  they  mane ;  but  that 
is  not  his  fault,  yer  honor,  for  Michael  never  had  any 
time  to  go  to  school,  still — 

^^  Judge. — Madame,  you  shouldn't  let  your  tongue 
fly  off  in  a  tangent  in  this  way.  What  we  desire  to 
know  is  relative  to  the  charge  preferred  by  you 
against  Timothy  Mulrooney,  here. 

"  Witness. — Yes,  your  worship,  I  was  just  comin' 
to  it  when  ye  interrupted  me.  (To  the  prisoner) — 
Ah,  you  murdhering  tief,  it's  on  Blackwell's  Island 
that  ye  ought  to  be,  instead  of  bein'  here  to  face 
his  honor  in  the  indacent  way  that  ye'r  doing  now. 
(To  the  Judge) — Well,  your  honor,  it  was  on  Friday 
momin'  or  Saturday  mornin',  I  can't  tell  which,  but 
be  that  a^  it  may,  it  does  not  make  anny  difference, 


THE   rORGIES.  2Yl 

because  it's  about  what  followed  that  jer  honor 
wants  for  to  know,  when  I  heard  the  horn  of  a  fish- 
cairt  in  front  of  me  door.  Sez  I  to  myself,  Michael 
has  come  wid  the  porgies.  You  see,  your  honor, 
Michael  owns  a  fish-cairt,  and  he  sells  fish,  and  what 
he  doesn't  sell  he  brings  home  for  us  to  ate.  He 
towld  me  in  the  morning,  that  he  would  thry  for  to 
save  some  of  the  porgies  for  dinner.  Thin  I  wint 
out  ov  the  door,  and  sure  enough  it  was  Michael. 
'  Michael,'  sez  I ;  '  What,'  sez  he ;  ^  Is  it  here  ye's 
air  V  sez  I ;  '  Sure  it  is,'  sez  he ;  *  Did  you  save  the 
porgies  V  sez  I ;  '  Av  coorse  I  did,'  sez  he ;  and  wid 
that  he  commenced  takin'  out  the  fish  from  the  cairt. 

''Judge. — What  has  all  this  to  do  with  Timothy 
Mulrooney's  ofiTensive  conduct  ?  you  have  not  shown 
as  yet  that  he  has  done  anything  wrong. 

"  Witness. — Yer  honor  need  have  no  fears  but  I'll 
convince  yez  that  a  dirtier  spalpeen  nor  him  niver 
was  allowed  to  go  unhung  among  a  dacent  people. 
(To  the  prisoner) — Ah,  Tim,  ye  villain,  I  wondher 
that  the  ship  didn't  sink  wid  ye  on  board  when  ye 
left  the  ould  counthry ;  I'd  like  to  see  ye  show  a 
receipt  wid  yer  passage-money  paid,  ye — 

''Judge. — Madam,  I  must  insist  upon  your  address- 
ing yourself  to  the  Court ;  you  have  no  business  to 
speak  to  the  prisoner  at  all.     Although  he  may  have 


272  VIETUOUS   INDIGNATION. 

done  wrong,  yet  so  long  as  he  is  in  my  presence 
lie  shall  be  protected  from  the  assaults  of  your 
tongue. 

"  Witness  (excited). — ^The  assaults  of  me  tongue ! 
Howly  St.  Pathrick,  do  ye  hear  that  ?  Yer  honor, 
I'm  a  dacint  woman  wid  a  family  of  childher  and 
divil  a  word  was  ever  spoke  against  me  charackther 
before. 

"Judge, — I  said  nothing  against  your  character. 
I  want  you  to  confine  yourself  to  what  Timothy 
Mulrooney  did  to  disturb  the  peace  and  quiet  of 
your  domicile. 

"  Witness. — I  will  yer  honor.  It  was  on  Friday 
mornin',  or  Saturday  mornin',  I  don't  know  which, 
but  be  that  as  it  may,  it  don't  make  anny  difference, 
because  it's  about  what  followed  that  yer  honor 
wants  for  to  know ;  ah,  yer  honor,  I  have  it  now — it 
was  Friday  mornin' — we  was  to  have  porgies  for 
dinner,  and  not  mate,  because  it  was  Friday — 

''fludge. — All  this  is  worse  than  nothing ;  you  are 
taking  up  the  time  of  the  court  by  your  tedious 
talk,  which,  so  far  as  I  can  see,  has  no  bearing  what- 
ever on  the  charge  you  have  seen  fit  to  make  against 
this  man  Timotliy. 

"  Witness. — Haven't  I  been  trying  for  the  last  ten 
minutes  to  tell  ye,  and  ye'll  not  not  let  me  ?   It's 


THE  P0EGIE8  AGAIN.  273 

wid  a  bad  grace  that  yer  honor  reproves  me  for  not 
tellin'  ye  what  I  know,  whin  it's  yerself  that  is  in- 
terruptin'  me.  Well,  yer  honer,  it  was  on  Friday 
morning,  whin  I  heard  the  horn  of  a  fish-cairt  in  front 
of  my  door,  sez  I  to  myself,  now  Michael — 

^^  Judge. — I  don't  want  to  hear  that  story  any 
more.  You  have  told  that  several  times  already. 
State  the  facts  about  Timothy.  Come  down  to  the 
time  when  he  commences  to  figure. 

"  Witness. — Ah,  bad  luck  to  the  thratement  that  I 
get  here.  Has  any  of  my  illusthrious  family  the 
O'Briens  ever  done  anny thing  against  yer  honer  that 
yez  should  illthrait  me  in  this  way  ? 

^' Judge. — l^ot  that  I  am  aware  of.  E"ow  go  on 
with  your  evidence. 

"  Witness. — Well,  yer  honor,  as  I  was  about  to  tell 
ye,  it  was  on  Friday  mornin'  whin  I  heard  the  horn 
of  a  fish-cairt  in  frpnt  of  my  door.  Sez  I  to  myself 
' — now  Michael  has  come  wid  the  porgies. 

'^  Judge  (impatiently). — Mrs.  O'Brien,  I — 

"  Witness. — Me  name's  not  O'Brien ;  I'm  a  married 
woman,  and  me  name  is  Flaherty;  me  name  was 
O'Brien  when  I  was  a  girl. 

*^  Judge. — Well,  then,  Mrs.  Flaherty,  O'Brien,  or 
whatever  your  name  is,  I  have  heard  of  these  porgies 

and  tliat  fish-cart  so  often  that  they  have  grown  stale ; 

18 


274  THE    COURT   IN   DESPAIE. 

now  tell  mo  what  occurred  between  you  and  Timothy , 
Mnbooney?         '  . 

"  Witness, — How  do  I  know  but  ye'll  intherrupt 
me  again  before  I  have  said  five  words  ? 

^' Judge. — You  may  rest  assured  that  I  will  not  if 
you  will  tell  what  Tim  Mulrooney  has  done  that  is 
contrary  to  law. 

"  Witm,ess. — I  could  tell  ye  enough  to  hang  him  a 
half-dozen  times,  if  he  had  as  manny  necks  as  that ; 
(to  the  prisoner)  ye  know  I  could,  Tim,  ye — ■ 

'^  Judge  (perspiringly). — Mrs.  O'Flaherty — 

"  Witness. — Flaherty,  widout  the  O,  yer  honor. 

"Judge. — Well,  whatever  your  name  is,  you  must 
not  say  anything  to  the  prisoner  in  this  court.  Go 
on  now,  and  if  you  will  tell  what  he  has  done  I'll 
not  interrupt  you. 

"  Witness. — l^ow  remember  yer  promise,  ye  honor. 
It  was  on  Friday  mornin' — 

"Judge  (despairingly). — You're  at  it  again.     I — 

"  Witness.- — Howly  mother  of  Moses !  I  told  yer 
honor  how  it  would  be  wid  ye  ;  here  I  haven't  said 
more  nor  five  words  before  yer  at  yer  owld  thricks 
again. 

"  Judge  (much  vexed). — What  did  Timothy  do  with 
your  fish  ? 

"  Witness. — He  didn't  do  annything  wid  them  that 


275 


time,  barrin'  that  he  saw  Michael  bring  them  in  the 
house,  and  I  heard  him  tell  Biddy  Mulrooney,  his 
mother,  who  lives  in  the  next  room  to  me,  that  he 
would  rather  live  on  praties  and  bread,  as  they  was  a 
doin',  than  to  ate  stinkin'  porgies  that  nobody  else 
would  buy;  I  know  the  Mulrooneys  was  jealous. 

'•''Judge, — ^Did  Timothy  create  any  disturbance 
then  ? 

"  Witness.- — IN'o,  yer  honor,  he  didn't. 

'-''Judge. — Then  why  did  you  have  him  arrested? 

"  Witness. — It  was  afther  thin  that  the  spalpeen 
made  the  disturbance. 

'-''Judge. — When  was  that? 

"  Witness. — It  was  yestherday  mornin'. 
. "  Judge.— 'What  did  Timothy  do  ? 

"  Witness. — It  wasn't  Tim,  but  his  cat. 

''Judge. — Then  it  seems  that  you  have  entered  a 
charge  against  Timothy  Mulroony  of  disorderly  con- 
duct, which,  by  right,  you  should  have  made  against 
Timothy  Mulrooney's  cat,  always  provided  that  cats 
are  amenable  to  municipal  law. 

''  Witness. — By  my  sowl,  yer  honor,  ye've  got  it 
mixed  up  again.  ISTow  why  didn't  ye  wait  until  I 
could  tell  ye. 

^' Judge. — Go  on ;  I  am  reconciled  to  my  fate.    As 


276  STILL   MORE    P0EGIE8. 

a  particular  favor,  I  should  like  to  liave  you  finish 
within  a  half  hour. 

"  Witness. — ^Well,  yer  honor,  as  I  was  tellin'  ye, 
the  Mulrooneys  was  jealous  of  us  because  we  had 
fish  and  they  didn't.  Yestherday  mornin'  Michael 
brought  home  more  porgies  (the  Judge  here  heaved 
a  deep  sigh)  and  I  laid  them  on  top  of  a  barrel  in 
the  passage  to  wait  till  I  could  dress  them;  what 
next,  yer  honor,  did  I  see  but  Tim  Mulrooney's  big 
tom  cat  on  the  barrel  atin'  the  fish ;  I  heaved  a  pratie 
at  the  cat  and  it  ran  off  wid  the  porgies ;  just  thin  I 
saw  Tim  Mulrooney  laughing  at  what  the  cat  was 
doin' ;  I  know  the  blackgaird  had  towld  the  cat  to  ate 
the  porgies ;  I  called  to  Michael,  and  1  run  toward 
Tim  to  bate  the  tief  as  he  deserved,  whin  my  foot 
slipped  and  I  furled  over  on  the  broad  of  my  back ; 
wid  that  Tim  laughed  the  more,  and  Michael  run  to 
him,  and  was  about  to  give  him  a  tap  on  the  sconce, 
whin  Tim  struck  Michael  a  blow  in  his  bowels,  which 
quite  prostrated  him  on  the  floor ;  with  that  I  ran 
and  got  the  M.  P.,  who  brought  the  murderin'  tief  to 
the  station-house. 

''Judge. — Well,  Mrs.  Flaherty,  I  think,  according 
to  your  own  story,  the  prisoner  acted  more  in  his 
own  defence  than  any  other  way. 


THE  JUDGMENT.  277 

"  Witness. — ^In  his  own  definse  1  Bad  luck  to  the 
tongue  that  says  so.    Is 

"  Judge  (to  prisoner). — ^Timothy  Mulrooney,  I  am 
by  no  means  sure  that  your  cat  did  not  eat  the  Fla- 
herty s'  fish  with  your  connivance.  If  the  cat  did  so, 
you  did  wrong;  but  for  that  you  are  sufficiently 
punished  by  your  imprisonment  last  night.  I  think 
you  might  have  been  less  hasty  in  striking  Michael. 
Is  Michael  in  court  ? 

^^ Mrs.  Flaherty. — ^Heis.  Stand  up,  Michael,  before 
his  honor. 

"  Mrs.  Flaherty,  Michael  and  Timothy  were  stand- 
ing together  in  a  row. 

""Judge. — ITow  I  am  going  to  insure  perfect  har- 
mony in  your  house  for  six  months  to  come ;  I  shall 
bind  each  of  you  over  in  the  sum  of  $200  to  keep 
the  peace. 

''  This  was  almost  too  great  a  humiliation  for  the 
blood  of  the  O'Briens  to  bear;  but  there  was  no 
alternative.  Mrs.  O'Brien  Flaherty  satisfied  herself 
as  well  as  she  could  by  looking  screw-drivers  at  the 
Judge  ;  Michael  appeared  demure,  and  Timothy 
appeared  jolly.  The  bonds  were  given,  and  the  inte- 
resting trio  left  the  court. 

"The  Judge  rose  from  his  chair,  and  made  a  bee 
line  for  breakfast." 


f 

27S  A  LEGAL   OBJECTION. 

During  the  various  narrations  which  were  given 
during  the  evening,  Mr.  Quackenbush  remained 
seated  in  the  corner,  saying  nothing  and  doing  as 
much.  His  eyes  were  partially  closed,  and  an  occa- 
sional sigh  was  all  that  escaped  him. 

When  Mr.  Dropper  concluded  the  reading 
of  his  contributions,  it  was  moved  that  Mr. 
Quackenbush  open  his  mouth,  and  say  something, 
under  the  penalty  of  having  it  pried  open  with  the 
poker. 

This  caused  Mr.  Quackenbush  to  open  his  eyes ; 
and,  after  various  preliminary  hems  and  coughs,  he 
announced  that  there  was  a  certain  rule  of  evidence 
which  gave  a  witness  the  right  to  refuse  to  say  any- 
thing tending  to  criminate  himself.  He  should  avail 
himself  of  that  rule.  Having  said  these  words,  Mr. 
Quackenbush  rolled  over  on  the  floor,  drew  himself 
into  double  bow  knot,  and  was  soon  snoring  against 
noise. 

In  the  meantime  Mr.  Spout  had  taken  the  floor, 
and  stated  that  he  had  on  one  occasion  been  over  at 
the  Essex  Market  Police  Court.  He  was  there  the 
involuntary  witness  of  the  trial  of  a  case,  which 
might  account  for  the  non-communicative  disposition 
manifested  on  the  present  occasion  by  Mr.  Quacken- 
bush.     During  the  proceedings,  the  justice  called 


MR.    BLOBB.  279 

out  the  name  of  E.  Percy  De  Lancy  Blobb;  and  in 
response  to  the  call  a  tall  individual  arose  and  came 
forward.  "I  thought  I  recognized  in  the  individual 
in  question,"  continued  Mr.  Spout,  "  a  person  whom 
I  had  seen  before,  and  I  was  not  mistaken.  He  was 
wild,  and  disposed  to  regale  the  assembled  company 
with  a  numerous  collection  of  songs,  which  he  had  at 
his  tongue's  end.  His  dress  was  much  disarranged. 
"  The  evidence  of  the  officer  who  had  arrested  the 
tall  gentleman,  went  to  show  that  he  had  offended 
against  the  laws,  by  disturbing  the  rest  and  quiet  of 
an  unappreciative  neighborhood,  by  bawling  forth 
at  midnight  most  unmelodious  yells,  which,  when  he 
was  apprehended,  he  assured  the  officer  were  capital 
imitations  of  Sontag,  Grisi,  and  Grisi's  new  baby. 
When  arrested  the  individual  was  in  a  plebeian  state 
of  drunkenness — not  so  much  so  but  that  he  could  sing, 
as  he  called  it,  and  could  talk  after  an  original  fashion 
of  his  own.  His  ideas  were  slightly  confused ;  he 
informed  the  officer  that  he  had  been  to  hear  Louisa 
Crown  sing  the  Pyne  Diamonds,  and  that  he  met  a 
friend  who  took  him  to  a  billiard  shop  to  see  a  clam 
race ;  that  he  and  his  friend  bet  the  whisky  on  the 
result;  that  he  drunk  for  both,  and  that  they  had 
passed  the  remainder  of  the  evening  in  a  '  magnori- 


280  DRUNKEN    PECULIARITIES. 

ous  maimer,'  singing  *  Storm  Columbus,'  '  Yankee 
Boodles,'  and  the  *  Scar  Strangled  Bladder.' 

"  The  officer  had  taken  him  to  the  lock-up,  where 
he  had  finished  the  night  singing '  Good  Old  Daniel,' 
whistling  the  '  Prima  Donna  Waltz,'  and  playing  an 
imaginary  piano-solo  on  the  floor,  in  which  attempt 
he  had  worn  off  some  of  his  finger-nails.  "When  he 
was  before  the  court  he  had  not  yet  recovered  his 
normal  condition.  He  was  still  musically  obstinate, 
and  refused  to  answer  any  questions  of  the  Judge,  or 
make  any  remarks,  except  in  scraps  of  songs,  which 
he  sang  in  a  low  voice,  mixing  up  the  tunes  in  a  most 
perplexing  manner.  Being  possessed  of  an  excellent 
memory,  and  having  a  large  assortment  of  melodies 
at  his  command,  his  answers  were  sometimes  more 
amusing  than  relevant.  The  Judge  proceeded  to 
interrogate  him  somewhat  as  follows : — • 

^^  Judge. — ^What  is  your  name,  sir? 

^'Prisoner. — *My  name  is  Eobert  Kidd,  as  I 
sailed ' — 

^^Indignant  Officer. — He  lies,  your  honor.     Last 
night  he  said  his  name  was  Blobb. 
>  '-^  Judge. — Where  do  you  live  ? 

^''Prisoner. — '  Erin,  Erin  is  my  home.' 

^^Knowing  Officer, — He  isn't  an  Irishman,  Judge ; 


A  KNOWING    OFFICER.  2S1 

lie's  a  Connecticut  Yankee,  and  lives  in  East  Broad- 
way. 

'^PHsoner. — *  That's  eight  times  to-day  yon  have 
kissed  me  before.' 

'^  Officer. — Please,  your  honor,  he's  an  octagonal 
liar,  I  didn't.  » 

^'^  Judge. — Where  did  you  get  your  liquor  ? 

^'Prisoner.— ^Waj  down  south  in  Cedar  street; 
rinctum ' — 

^^  Judge  (to  officer). — What's  that  he  says  ? 

^'Attentwe  Officer.  —  At  Ringtown's  in  Cedar 
street. 

'^  Judge. — ^What  number  in  Cedar  street  ? 

^Prisoner. — '  Forty  horses  in  the  stable.' 

'^Officious  Officer.  —  Ringtown's,  No.  40  Cedar 
street,  your  honor. 

^'Prisoner. — (Voluntary  remark,  sotto  voce.)  ^  A 
jay  bird  sat  on  a  hickory  limb — he  winked  at  me 
and  I  winked  at  him.' 

''Indignant  Officer. — Who're  you  winkin'  at? 

'Prisoner. — '  E'eily  Ely,  shuts  her  eye.' 

"Officer. — ^You'd  better  shut  your  mouth. 

"Judge. — What  have  you  got  to  say,  prisoner  ? 

'Prisoner. — '  Hear  me,  E'orma.' 

"Officer. — ^Well,  go  on,  go  on. 

"Prisoner. — '  O  blame  not  the  bard.' 


282  OLD   DOG   TRAY. 

^^  Judge. — Nobody  to  blame  but  yourself. 

"Prisoner.—'  Did  you  ever  hear  tell  of  Kate  Kear- 
ney?' 

^'Knowing.  Officer. — Keeps  a  place  in  Mott  street, 
your  honor. 

''Prisoner.—'  O  !  O  !  O  !  0  !  O  !  Sally  is  the  gal 
for  me.' 

"Judge  (to  officer). — ^Who  is  Sally  ?  Some  disre- 
putable female  I  suppose. 

"Officer. — She  went  up  to  the  Island  to-day,  sir. 

"Prisoner. — '  O  tell  me,  where  is  Fancy  bred.' 

"Judge. — I  don't  know  anything  about  your  fancy 
bread,  if  you  have  anything  to  say,  go  on. 

"Prisoner. — '  We'll  all  go  bobbing  around.' 

"  The  Judge  here  became  indignant,  and  demanded 
if  he  had  a  friend  to  become  bail  for  him,  to  which 
query  the  prisoner  hiccuped  out, 

"  '  I'll  never,  never  find — a  better  friend  than  old 
dog  Tray.' 

"Judge. — Can't  take  him,  he  is  not  responsible. 

"Prisoner. — '  I  give  thee  all,  I  can  no  more.' 

"Judge. — It  won't  do,  sir,  I  shall  fine  you  $10. 

"Prisoner. — 'That's  the  way  the  money  goes — 
pop  goes  the  weasel.' 

"Indigncmt  Officer. — ^I'U  pop  you  over  the  Lead 
presently. 


A   FRIEND   IN   NEED.  2b6 

^^ Prisoner. — 'There's  whisky  in  the  jug.' 

'''Officer. — ^You'll  be  there,  too,  shortly. 

^'' Judge. — ^If  you  can't  pay  you  must  go  to  jail. 

'''Prisoner. — '  Give  me  a  cot  in  the  valley  I  love.' 

''Judge. — ^Yery  well,  sir,  I'll  do  it.  Tombs,  ten 
days. 

"Prisoner. — *I  dreamt  that  I  dwelt  in  marble 
halls.' 

"The  officer  was  about  removing  the  individual 
below,  when  I  came  to  the  rescue,  and  informed  the 
Judge  that  the  prisoner  was  a  friend  of  mine,  that 
this  was  the  first  occasion  in  which  he  had  ever  mani- 
fested such  eccentricities,  and  if  he  would  let  him 
off  from  the  punishment  this  time,  I  would  take  him 
to  his  home  and  see  that  he  never  disturbed  the  city 
by  his  yells  in  the  future. 

*'  The  prisoner  turned  his  eyes  upon  me,  and  again 
broke  out ; 

"- '  Good  news  from  home,  good  news  for 
me'^ 

"'Mr.  Blobb,'  said  the  Judge,  'if  I  let  you  off 
this  time,  will  you  cease  going  on  these  drunken 
-sprees?' 

"Prisoner.—'  I'll  touch  not,  taste  not,  handle  not, 
whate'er  intoxicates.' , 


284  BLOBB    DISOHAKGED. 

^^ Judge. — I  hope  that  when  we  meet  again  it  will 
be  under  more  favorable  auspices  to  yourself 

^'Prisoner  (interrupting). — 'Meet  me  by  moon- 
light alone,  and  I  will  tell  thee.' 

''''Judge  (resuming). — For  you're  in  a  bad  plight 
now  to  appear  among  the  ladies. 

^''Prisoner. — '  Oh !  I'm  the  boy  for  bewitching 
them.' 

''''Judge. — E"ot  when  you're  drunk,  I  imagine. 

'''-Prisoner. — '  A  man's  a  man,  for  a'  o'  that.' 

''''Judge. — You  may  go,  sir.     Good  day. 

^'Prisoner. — 'Oh,  give  to  me  that  better  word 
that  comes  from  the  heart,  Good  bye.' 

"  I  managed  -  to  get  my  friend,  Mr.  Blobb,  out  of 
the  court-room,  and  subsequently,  with  some  diffi- 
culty, I  succeeded  in  putting  him  to  bed  in  my 
apartment,  where  I  kept  him  for  twenty-four  hours, 
until  he  had  recovered  from  his  temporary  aberration. 
He  has  since  that  time  been  in  a  normal  state, 
except  that  he  appears  melancholy  at  times.  He  is 
well  enough,  however, 

"To  be  here  this  evening,"  said  Quackenbush, 
interrupting;  "for  know  ye  that  Mr.  K.  Percy 
Delancy  Blobb  is  now  before  you  in  the  person  of 
myself,  and  I  am  here  to-night  to  ask  forgiveness, 


QUACKENBUSH  CONFESSES.  285 

which,  if  you  don't  give  to  me,  I  shall  take  imme- 
diate measures  to  expel  you  all  from  the  club." 

It  was  immediately  voted  that  Mr.  Quackenbush 
be  forgiven,  on  condition  that  he  would  disclose  tlio 
facts  which  led  to  his  being  found  a  prisoner  in  the 
Essex  Market  Police  Court. 

This,  Mr.  Quackenbush  said  he  would  do  and  do 
it  now,  and  after  finding  room  for  a  glass  of  ginger- 
wine,  proceeded  to  narrate  his  experience. 

He  stated,  substantially,  that  the  whole  difficulty 
grew  out  of  a  love  affair.  He  had  become  deeply 
infatuated  with  an  unknown  and  beautiful  blonde. 
He  had  often  met  her  in  the  street,  in  theatres,  and 
concert-rooms,  and  his  intense  admiration  ripened 
into  a  deep  love.  He  was  unable  to  learn  who  she 
was  until  a  fortnight  previously,  when  he  found  a 
friend  who  was  well  acquainted  witli  her,  and  who 
undertook  to  bring  about  an  introduction.  Things 
wore  a  brighter  aspect  then.  The  sun  was  more 
brilliant ;  the  moon  shed  a  less  melancholy  light ; 
lager  bier  tasted  better;  oysters  appeared  fatter; 
peanuts  seemed  always  roasted  just  enough,  and,  in 
I'uct,  he  felt  quite  satisfied  with  life,  and  the  world 
generally,  and  resolved  to  postpone  indefinitely  a 
[>urpose  he  had  entertained  of  buying  three  cents' 
worth  of  arsenic.     But  a  day  or  two  before  the  scene 


286  THE  CAUSE 

in  the  Police  Court  in  which  he  figured,  he  found 
himself  in  a  stage,  and  directly  opposite  was  the 
identical  object  of  his  admiration  and  affection.  He 
hitched  from  one  side  on  his  seat  to  the  other ;  put 
one  leg  on  the  other,  and  then  reversed  them ; 
looked  out  of  the  window,  and  then  at  her ;  scratched 
his  ears ;  pulled  up  his  collar ;  brushed  the  dust 
from  his  pantaloons ;  put  his  hands  in  his  pockets ; 
pulled  them  out,  and  did  many  ridiculous  things 
which  he  would  not  have  done  had  she  not  been 
present.  She  stopped  the  stage  on  one  of  the 
avenues,  and  handed  him  a  five-franc  piece  to  pay 
the  driver.  The  driver,  as  usual,  gave  change  in 
small  pieces.  He  counted  it  to  see  that  it  was  all 
right ;  found  it  to  be  so,  and  informed  her  of  the 
fact.  The  streets  being  very  muddy,  he  resolved  to  do 
the  genteel  in  the  way  of  assisting  her  out  of  the 
vehicle  ;  made  his  exit ;  put  one  foot  six  inches  into 
a  mud-hole,  and  the  other  on  the  edge  of  the  curb- 
stone ;  lifted  the  lady  to  the  side- walk  in  safety,  at  the 
expense  of  bursting  off  two  suspender-buttons,  and 
his  vest-buckle,  a  slip  down  causing  his  nose  to  fall 
against  the  tire,  his  knees  into  the  mud,  his  shoulder 
against  the  stage-steps,  and  caving  in  his  hat.  But 
all  this  didn't  trouble  him  in  the  least,  as  he  expected 
to  be  more  than  remunerated  by  an  approving  smile 


EXPLAINED.  2ST 

on  the  part  of  tlie  lady.  He  turned  his  face  tawarda 
her,  and  found  her  engaged  in  counting  the  change, 
which  he  had  pronounced  to  be  all  right,  as  if  she. 
suspected  that  he  would  be  guilty  of  cheating  her 
out  of  a  stray  sixpence,  and  thus  hazard  his  chances 
for  salvation.  The  effect  of  the  disappointment,  on 
him,  was  frightful.  He  felt  a  sickening  sensation ; 
stopped  at  the  nearest  whisky-shop,  and  imbibed ; 
went  to  another,  and  took  a  nip;  proceeded  to  a 
third,  and  smiled;  reached  a  fourth,  and  took  a 
horn ;  entered  a  fifth,  and  drank,  and  so  on,  ad 
lihitum.  At  last  he  reached  Niblo's ;  saw  a  flaming 
poster  announcing  that  Louisa  Pyne  was  to  sing  in 
tlio  "Crown  Diamonds;"  bought  a  ticket;  took 
several  drinks  and  a  seat.  His  ears  had  become 
unusually  critical.  Tliought  he  could  beat  Harrison 
singing,  and  to  satisfy  himself,  he  rose  up,  and  com- 
menced to  slaughter  a  peice,  which  Harrison  had 
just  executed.  There  was  an  evident  want  of  appre- 
ciation of  his  abilities,  for  he  was  hustled  out  in 
double-quick  time.  He  then  went  to  a  bar-room, 
and  called  for  something  to  drink,  which  deliberate 
act  was  the  last  circumstance  he  remembered,  pre- 
vious to  recognizing  Mr.  Spout  in  Ms  room  in  tho 
afternoon  of  the  following  day,  when  he  inquired  of 
that  gentleman  if  he  wouldn't  be  so  kind  as  to  pre- 


288  QTTACKENBUSH  FORGIVEN. 

vent  the  nigger  boy  from  striking  him  on  the  head 
with  a  poker,  as  he  thought  he  had  done  it  long 
enough. 

A  vote  of  forgiveness  to  Mr.  Quackenbush  was 
carried,  after  which  the  entire  club  went  to  sleep. 


"€^  Imlrf  m0." 


«  Murder  most  foul,  as  in  the  best  it  is ; 
But  this  most  foul,  strange,  and  unnatural." 


days  after  the  events  recorded  in  the 
last  chapter,  a  new  trick  was  invented  to  ob- 
tain under,  false  pretences,  the  money  of  the  public. 
A  number  of  needy  and  seedy  individuals  having 
been  told  that  in  England  several  of  the  most  dis- 

19  289 


5!90  ATTEMPT  TO   SWINDLE 

tinguished  literary  men  in  that  country  had  given 
a  few  theatrical  exhibitions  with  great  success,  con- 
ceived the  plan  of  exhibiting,  in  a  similar  manner,  in 
the  city  of  Is'ew  York,  a  number  of  authors,  artists 
and  other  celebrities,  admitting  the  public  at  twenty- 
five  cents  per  head.  That  it  might  look  less  like  a 
humbug,  and  by  way  of  hiding,  as  far  as  possible, 
the  swindle  which  was  only  too  transparent,  after 
all,  it  was  announced  that  the  living  poets  and 
painters  would  be  shown  all  alive  in  secure  cages, 
undergoing  a  periodical  stirring-up  by  the  keeper, 
and  being  benevolently  fed  in  the  presence  of  the 
spectators  afterward. 

Preparations  had  been  made  to  secure  the  services 
of  the  biggest  authors,  the  most  notorious  painters, 
the  largest  sized  sculptors,  the  most  melodious  poets, 
and  the  most  sanguinary  editors  the  country  could 
produce.  The  anxious  world  expected  nothing  less 
than  to  see  the  author  of  "  Thanatopsis  "  appear  as 
Hamlet  in  black-tights  and  a  slouched  hat — and  he 
.who  invented  "  Evangeline  "  and  "Hiawatha"  come 
on  as  the  Ghost  with  a  pasteboard  helmet  and  a 
horse- hair  beard.  Who  should  be  Laertes  but  he 
who  "skulped"  the  Greek  Slave,  or  what  editor 
could  play  "  the  king"  like  the  democratic  conductor 
of  the  T^'ihine  ?  who,  in  assuming  the  crown,  waa 


THE  DAELING  PUBLIC.  291 

to  doff  the  white  hat,  "  positively  for  one  night  only  ?" 
The  Queen  of  Denmark  would  of  course  be  repre- 
sented by  the  architect  of  "Uncle  Tom's  Cabin," 
whose  familiarity  with  courts  and  royalty  would  en- 
able her  to  invest  the  character  with  life-like  interest. 
The  public  had  made  up  its  mind  to  be  content  with 
no  OjpheUa  except  Ruth  Hall,  for  no  one  else 
could  play  the  crazy  scenes  so  admirably.  But 
alas  for  the  expectations  of  the  misguided  public — 
the  illustrious  individuals  aforesaid  would  not  come, 
and  consequently  the  public  were  compelled  to 
witness  the  consummation  of  the  dreadful  tragedy, 
by  authors  whose  works  they  had  never  heard  of; 
painters  whose  productions  were  unknown  to  the 
world,  and  editors  whom  a  close  investigation  re- 
solved into  obscure  scribblers. 

To  this  literary  exhibition  Overdale,  "Wagstaff, 
and  John  Spout  resolved  to  go — Overdale  to  give 
the  necessary  explanations,  Wagstaff  to  make  a 
transcript  of  his  friend's  valuable  remarks,  and  John 
Spout  (himself  an  amateur  artist)  to  see  the  cele- 
brated men  of  his  own  profession,  whose  contribu- 
tions to  art  had  been  so  persistently  kept  out  of 
eight. 

The  performance  was  to  take  place  in  the  Academy 
of  Music,  a  building  designed  and  completed  by  a 


292  AN    UNAPPEECIATTVE   BOY. 

diabolically  ingenious  architect,  who  endeavored  to 
construct  a  theatre  in  such  a  manner  that  one  half 
the  audience  could  not  hear,  and  the  other  half  could 
not  see,  and  who  succeeded  to  admiration. 

Our  friends  obtained  seats  in  that  part  of  the  house 
where  they  could  see,  though  it  was  not  possible  to 
JiGCur  a  word. 

After  a  great  many  preliminary  flourishes  and 
false  starts  by  the  members  of  the  orchestra,  they 
set  off  as  nearly  together  as  they  could,  in  obedience 
to  the  frantic  gestures  of  the  leader,  who  flourished 
his  fiddle-bow  with  as  much  energy  and  vindictive- 
ness  as  if  he  had  been  insanely  endeavoring  to  kill 
mosquitoes  with  it,  in  forty  different  directions  at 
once. 

Finally  the  curtain  went  up  amid  the  uproarious 
applause  of  the  assembled  multitude,  interrupted 
only  by  a  small  boy  in  the  gallery,  who  hissed  like 
a  whole  flock  of  enraged  wild-geese,  having  been 
stationed  there  especially  for  the  performance  of  this 
sibilant  duty  by  an  avenging  washerwoman,  to 
whom  one  of  the  amateurs  owed  four  and  sixpence ; 
his  dissenting  voice  was,  however,  soon  hushed 
by  the  police,  who  put  him  out,  and  didn't  give  him 
his  money  back,  after  which  the  exhibition  pro- 
ceeded. 


INCONSISTENCIES.  293 

To  give  a  full  description  of  one  half  of  the  ridicu- 
lous performances  indulged  in  by  these  deluded  per- 
sons— to  tell  of  the  new  readings  which  they  gave, 
and  the  old  readings  which  they  didn't  give — to  re- 
late how  carefully  they  avoided  the  traps,  and  with 
what  commendable  caution  they  kept  away  from  the 
footlights — to  give  an  idea  of  the  bedlamitish  in- 
genuity they  had  displayed  in  the  selection  of  ward- 
robe, how  each  one  had  put  on  the  most  inappropri- 
ate articles  imaginable,  and  how  they  could  not  have 
been  more  incongruously  attired  if  they  had  been  all 
dressed  in  sheep's  grey  breeches  and  straw  hats — to 
dilate  upon  the  disasters  which  befell  the  said  ward- 
robe, how  the  tunics  caught  in  the  wings,  and  the 
shoulder-cloaks  got  singed  by  the  side-lights ;  how 
the  ladies'  trains  were  in  everybody's  way,  and  their 
feathers  in  everybody's  eyes— how,  in  their  confu- 
sion, when  they  painted  their  faces,  they  put  the 
wrong  colors  in  the  wrong  places,  and  some  of  them 
went  on  with  white  cheeks,  chalked  lips,  and  eye- 
brows colored  a  bright  vermilion — how  the  gilt 
crowns  got  bent  and  battered  until  they  looked  like 
ancient  milk-pans  with  the  bottoms  melted  out — ^how 
the  flannel  ermine  on  the  regal  calico  robes  got 
greasy,  and  looked  like  tripe — how  the  wax  pearls 
melted  and  the  glass  ones  broke — ^how  the  "  supes  " 


294  THE    GHOST. 

painted  their  whiskers  uneven,  and  got  their  wigs  on 
wrong  side  before — ^how  some  of  them  couldn't  get 
their  armor  on  at  all,  but  how  one  enterprising  in- 
dividual, having  succeeded  to  his  satisfaction,  came 
on  to  deliver  a  message,  with  his  sandals  in  his  hand, 
his  helmet  on  one  foot,  his  breast-plate  on  the  other, 
and  his  leg-pieces  strapped  on  his  shoulders — to  tell 
how  the  Ghost  got  chilly  and  played  the  last  scene 
in  an  overcoat,  and  proved  that  he  was  a  substantial 
Native  American  Ghost,  by  making  two  extempo- 
raneous speeches,  in  excellent  English,  to  the  audi- 
ence— to  do  full  justice  to  the  miscellaneous  assort- 
ment of  legs^  then  and  there  congregated,  and  relate 
how  some  were  bow-legs,  and  some  were  shingle- 
legs,  some  were  broomstick-legs,  some  were  wiry 
legs,  and  some  were  shoulder-of-mutton  legs — to  give 
an  accurate  relation  of  the  various  expedients  re- 
sorted to,  to  remedy  the  most  noticeable  defects  in 
those  legs,  and  state  that  some  were  padded  on  the 
sides,  and  some  at  the  ankles,  and  how,  in  not  a  few 
instances,  the  padding  slipped  away  from  its  original 
position,  thereby  putting  the  calves  on  the  shins, 
and  causing  the  knees  to  resemble  deformed  india- 
rubber  foot-balls — and  to  give  a  reliable  history  of 
the  unheard-of  antics  indulged  in  by  the  said  fantas- 
tic legs,  after  their  ^mmetry  had  been  perfected  by 


LEGS.   .  205 

the  means  just  written — ^how  some  went  crooked, 
some  sideways,  and  some  wouldn't  go  at  all ;  how 
some  minced  with  short  steps,  like  a  racking  pony, 
and  othei-s  stepped  along  as  if  they  had  seven- 
league  boots  on  ;  how  some  moved  with  convulsive 
hitches,  as  if  they  were  clockwork  legs,  and  the 
springs  were  out  of  order ;  how  some  worked  spas- 
modically up  and  down  in  the  same  place,  and  didn't 
get  along  at  all,  as  if  they  were  legs  which  had 
struck  for  higher  wages;  and  how  others  dashed 
ahead,  as  if  they  did  not  intend  to  stop  until  they 
had  transported  their  bewildered  proprietors  out  of 
sight  of  the  audience,  as  if  they  were  machine  legs, 
with  the  steam  turned  on,  and  weights  on  the  safety- 
valve  ;  how  some  went  on  the  stage  and  wouldn't 
go  off,  and  how  others  went  off  and  wouldn't  go  on, 
until  they  were  coaxed  on  by  their  agonized  owners, 
a  long  time  after  the  cue  came — to  tell  how  the  red 
fire  burned  green,  and  the  blue  fire  would  not  burn 
at  all — how  the  call-boy  got  tipsy,  and  was  not 
forthcoming — how  the  property-man  fell  over  the 
sheet-iron  thunder,  and  stuck  his  head  into  a  pot  of 
red  paint,  which  made  him  look  like  a  modern  edi- 
tion of  Charles  the  First  with  his  head  cut  off — ^how 
the  grave-diggers  got  into  the  grave  and  couldn't 
get  out — how  Hamlet  and  Laertes  could  hardly  get 


296  A  SMALL   HAMLET 

in  at  all ;  and  how,  when  they  did  get  in,  they  made 
the  gravel  fly — how  the  wrong  men  came  on  at  the 
wrong  time,  and  how,  as  a  general  thing,  the  right 
men  didn't  ever  come  on — how  Chiildenstern  spoke 
OjplielicCs  lines,  how  Horatio  tried  to  speak  one  of 
Hamlet's  speeches,  and  danced  a  frantic  hornpipe 
with  rage  because  he  couldn't  think  how  it  began, 
and  how  Polonius  couldn't  speak  at  all,  and  so 
went  home — how  nobody  could  remember  what 
Shakspeare  said,  and  so  everybody  said  what  Shaks- 
peare  didn't  say,  and  hadn't  said,  and  wouldn't  have 
said,  under  any  circumstances — ^how  some  of  the 
men  swore,  and  some  of  the  women  wanted  to,  but 
postponed  it,  and  how  the  butchery  proceeded,  with 
many  mishaps  and  multitudinous  mistakes,  and  how 
the  audience  applauded,  and  cheered,  and  laughed  at 
the  dismal  tragedy,  evidently  considering  it  the  live- 
liest farce  of  the  season,  are  facts,  falsehoods,  and 
circumstances,  both  real  and  supposititious,  which 
could  not  be  compressed  within  the  limits  of  a  single 
volume. 

Hamlet  was  personated  by  an  aspiring  youth, 
whose  physical  dimensions  were  not  up  to  the  army 
standard,  and  who  couldn't  have  gathered  fruit  from 
a  currant-bush  without  high-heeled  boots  on ;  while 
the  lady  who  represented  his  mother  would  have 


AND   LARGE   QTTEEN.  297 

been  compelled  to  stoop  in  order  to  pick  pippins 
from  the^  tallest  apple-tree  that  ever  grew.  By  the 
side  of  her  illustrious  son,  she  looked  perfectly  capa- 
ble of  taking  him  up  in  her  arms,  giving  him  his 
dinner  after  the  usual  maternal  fashion,  and  after- 
wards disposing  of  him  in  the  trundle-bed,  to  com- 
plete his  infant  slumbers. 

Overdale  explained  that  they  had  tried  to  get  a 
bigger  Hamlet^  but  that,  upon  the  whole,  he  thought 
the  little  fellow  would  "speak  his  piece"  pretty 
well,  taking  into  consideration  the  fact,  that  in  the 
dying  groans,  he  was  supposed  to  have  no  superior. 

Wagstaff  was  totally  ignorant  of  the  plot,  and  as 
from  the  obfuscation  of  the  performers,  no  one 
could  have  formed  the  slightest  idea  of  what  they 
were  all  talking  about,  he  seemed  in  no  very  fair 
way  to  find  out  anything  about  it. 

The  peculiar  rendition  of  the  story  of  the  King  of 
Denmark  was  so  uncertain,  that  even  John  Spout 
found  it  exceedinglv  difficult  to  tell  where  they  were 
or  how  they  would  come  out,  or  what  they  intended 
to  do  next.  He  was  a  little  uncertain  whether  the 
queen  would  finally  subdue  Hamlet^  or  Hamlet  suc- 
ceed in  thrashing  the  queen.  In  the  closet  scene, 
especially,  the  battle  was  conducted  with  such  vary- 
ing success  that  it  was  impossible  to  bet,  with  any 


298         THE  GHOST  IN  AN  OVERCOAT. 

kind  of  certainty,  on  the  result,  or  to  prognosticate, 
with  reliability,  whether  Hamlet  would  knock  his 
mother  down  with  a  chair,  and  damage  her  maternal 
countenance  with  the  heels  of  his  boots,  or  whether 
the  old  lady  would  succeed  in  her  design,  which  was 
evidently  to  conquer  her  rebellious  offspring,  and 
give  him  a  good  spanking.  JSTeither  could  he  tell 
whether  Laertes  would  kill  Horatio^  Hamlet^  or  the 
Second  Gra/oe-digger^  who  stood  behind  the  wing, 
with  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  and  his  breeches  in 
his  boots.  He  was  also  a  little  undecided  as  to 
which  was  Polonms^  and  which  was  the  king,  and 
when  the  player  queen  came  on,  he  thought  it  was 
only  Ophelia^  with  a  different-colored  petticoat  on. 
John  swore  the  Ghost  looked  as  if  he  hadn't  had  any 
dinner,  and  said  he  was  perfectly  certain  his  ghost- 
ship  had  been  refreshing  his  invisible  bowels  with  a 
mug  of  ale,  behind  the  scenes,  because  when  he 
came  on  the  last  time,  with  the  broomstick  in  his 
hand,  he  could  see  the  foam  on  his  whiskers. 

One  of  the  richest  and  most  incomprehensible 
scenes  ever  witnessed  on  the  modern  stage  was  the 
final  one  between  Hamlet  and  the  Ghost^  who,  find- 
ing the  weather  chilly,  had  done  his  best  to  mitigate 
his  sufferings  by  putting  on  an  overcoat.  Hamlet^ 
trying  to  look  fierce,  holding  his  sword  at  arm's 


THE   DEATH-SCENE.  299 

length,  performing  a  kind  of  original  fancy-dance,  as 
he  followed  the  spiritual  remains  of  his  ghostly 
father  across  the  stage — Hamlet^  the  mortal,  being 
about  the  size  of  a  mutton-ham,  while  his  father,  the 
immortal,  supposed  to  be  exceedingly  ethereal,  was 
tall  enough  and  stout  enough  for  a  professional  coal- 
heaver,  instead  of  an  amateur  ghost — the  intangible 
spirit,  moreover,  having  one  hand  in  his  overcoat 
pocket,  to  keep  his  fingers  warm,  while  in  th6  other 
he  flourished  a  short  broomstick,  as  if  to  keep  his 
degenerate  scion  at  a  respectful  distance,  were  so 
l)idicrous,  that  John  Spout  seized  Wagstaff's  book, 
and  produced  the  sketch  to  be  found  at  the  begin- 
ning of  this  chapter. 

And  in  the  last  death-scene  Hamlet  really  won 
such  honors  as  were  never  before  accorded  to  mortal 
tragedian ;  being  by  this  time  a  little  doubtful  whom 
to  kill,  he  made  an  end  of  the  entire  company  in 
rotation.  First,  he  stabbed  the  Kvng^  who  rolled 
over  once  or  twice,  and  died  with  his  legs  so  tangled 
up  in  the  Queen^s  train  that  she  had  to  expire  in  a 
hard  knot ;  then  he  stabbed  Laertes,  who  died  cross- 
legged  ;  then  he  stabbed  Osric;  and  not  content  with 
this,  he  tripped  up  his  heels  and  stood  on  his  stomach, 
till  he  died  in  an  agony  of  indigestion ;  then  he  tried 
to  stick  Horatio,  but  only  succeeded  in  knocking 


SOO  SCENE  BEHIND 

his  wig  off;  and  then,  turning  up  stage,  made  exten- 
sive preparations  for  terminating  his  own  exist- 
ence. 

First,  as  everybody  was  dead,  and  everybody's 
legs  were  lying  round  loose,  he  had  to  lay  them  out 
of  the  way  carefully,  so  as  not  to  interfere  with  the 
comfort  of  the  corpses ;  then  he  picked  up  all  the 
swords  and  laid  them  cautiously  in  a  corner,  so  that 
the  points  shouldn't  stick  in  him  when  he  fell ;  then 
he  looked  up  at  the  curtain  to  see  that  he  was  clear 
of  that,  then  he  looked  down  at  the  traps  to  see  that 
he  was  clear  of  them,  and  having  at  last  arranged 
everything  to  his  satisfaction,  he  proceeded  to  go 
systematically  through  his  dying  agonies,  to  the  great 
satisfaction  of  the  audience.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that 
when  the  spasms  were  ended,  and  he  had  finally 
become  a  "  cold  corpus,"  his  black  tights  were  very 
dirty  and  had  holes  in  the  knees. 

When  the  curtain  went  down  Hamlet  was  too 
exhausted  to  get  up,  and  instantly  everybody  rushed 
to  the  rescue ;  those  he  had  slaughtered  but  a  few 
minutes  before,  forgot  their  mortal  wounds,  and  has- 
tened to  the  murderer  with  something  to  drink. 
The  King  rushed  up  with  a  pewter  mug  of  beer ; 
Horatio  presented  the  brandy-bottle ;  the  Ghost 
handed  him  a  glass  of  gin  and  sugar ;    the  Quean 


J 


THE  CtTRTAIN. 


301 


gave  him  the  little  end  of  a  Bologna  sausage  and  a 
piece  of  cheese  ;  the  stage  carpenter,  in  his  bewilder- 
ment, could  think  of  nothing  but  the  glue-pot ;  the 
property  man  hastened  to  his  aid  with  a  tin  cup  full 
of  rose-pink,  and  a  plate-full  of  property  apple-dump- 
lings (ingeniously  but  deceptively  constructed  out  of 
canvas  and  bran),  while  an  insane  scene-shifter  first 
deluged  him  with  water,  and  then  offered  him  the 
bucket  to  dry  himself  with, 

John  Spout,  who  had  been  behind  the  curtain, 
and  witnessed  this  last  performance,  immediately 
came  out,  borrowed  Wagstaff 's  note-book,  and  left 
therein  his  pictorial  reminiscence  of  this  scene  as 
follows : 


'i^-S,*/^"^ 


Overdale  had  been  profuse  in  his  explanations  of 


302  oveedale's  roEAs. 

the  many  curious  scenes,  and  Wagstaff  had  noted 
down  his  words  carefully  in  his  memorandum-book 
Once  when  the  Ghost  tripped  and  fell  through  the 
scenery,  caving  in  the  side  of  a  brick  house,  and 
kicking  his  spiritual  heels  through  the  belfry  of  a 
church  in  the  background,  Overdale  said  that  this  was 
O^helia^  who  had  been  taken  suddenly  crazy,  and  in 
her  frenzy  had  imagined  it  necessary  to  hasten  to  the 
nearest  grocery  for  a  bar  of  soap  to  saw  her  leg  off 
with.  Poloniua^  he  explained,  was  Horatio^  and 
Hamlet  was  a  little  boy  who  run  on  errands  for  the 
cook  of  the  palace,  by  which  culinary  appellation  he 
designated  the  Queen  of  Denmark.  He  3aid  the 
plot  of  the  piece  was,  that  the  king  wanted  to  marry 
the  cook,  but  her  relatives  objected  to  the  alliance, 
because  his  majesty  hadn't  got  shirts  enough  for  a 
change. 

All  of  which  was  carefully  written  down  by  "Wag- 
staff,  with  divers  alterations,  emendations,  addi- 
tions, and  extemporaneous  illustrations,  by  John 
Spout. 

This  last-named  individual  asserts  to  the  present 
time  that  he  cannot  tell  who  were  the  most  hum- 
bugged— the  people  who  paid  their  money,  and 
laughed  at  the  play  under  the  impression  that  it  was 
a  farce,  or  the  unfortunates  who  performed  the  play, 


A  COMPLICATED  OABE.  30S 

laboring  under  the  hallucination  that  they  were  act- 
ing tragedy. 

All  were,  however,  satisfied,  that  it  was  a  kink  of 
the  Elephant's  tail,  which  he  has  not  yet  uncurled  in 
any  city  of  America — save  Gotham. 


3Kri  fjiOTglibtf  ini(liglit'3  innq  tos  ^m. 


'Black  spirits  and  white, 
Red  spirits  and  grey, 
Mingle,  mingle" 


t*  Remington 
Deopper  had  a 
great  respect  for 
upper  tendom  ; 
i|  was  almost  in- 
|\  clined  to  admit, 
l\  without  question, 
I  j  its  claims  to  the 
worship  of  the 
vulgar  masses,  and  confessed  that  when  he  saw  one 
whom  he  took  to  be  a  leader  of  fashion  coming,  he 
felt  an  involuntary  movement  of  his  right  hand 
towards  his  hat.  He  admitted  that  he  had,  by 
this  manner  of  doing  indiscriminate  homage  to 
well-dressed  people,  on  several  occasions  taken  oiF 

804 


ME.  spout's  offbe.  305 

his  hat  to  notorious  horse-jockeys,  faro-dealers,  and 
gamblers. 

"  However,"  said  John  Spout,  "if  you  want  to  go 
to  a  grand  fancy  dress  ball,  where  you  will  meet  all 
*  the  world,'  as  these  try-to-be-fashionable  people  call 
those  who  have  scraped  together  dollars  enough  to 
entitle  them  to  their  royal  notice,  I  can  very  easily 
get  you  an  invitation.  Mrs.  Throughby  Daylight, 
whose  husband  made  a  fortune  by  selling  patent 
medicine,  and  thereby  purged  himself  of  poverty 
and  plebeianism  together,  gives,  in  a  short  time,  a 
grand  fantasquerade,  which  is  intended  to  be  the 
most  consolidated  fancy  dress  jam  of  the  season.  Do 
you  want  to  go  ?" 

"  Go,"  replied  Dropper,  "  how  can  I  go  ?  I  don't 
know  Mrs.  Throughby  Daylight,  or  Mr.  Throughby 
Daylight,  or  any  of  the  Daylights,  so  that  Daylight 
is  all  moonshine." 

"  Dropper,"  was  the  response,  "  you're  young ;  I 
excuse  that,  for  you  can't  help  it;  but  you're  also 
green^  which  I  cannot  forgive ;  your  verdancy  is  par- 
ticularly noticeable  when  you  revive  the  absolute 
absurdity  of  supposing  that  it  is  necessary  to  be 
acquainted  with  a  lady  before  you  are  invited  to 
attend  her  parties.     That  antiquated  idea  has  been 

long  since  exploded.     Why,  my  dear  sir,  it  is  no 
20 


30G  DROPPER  BEWILDERED. 

more  necessary  that  you  should  have  ever  previously 
heard  of  a  woman  whose  'jam '  you  recQive  an  invi- 
tation to  attend,  than  it  is  probable  she  knows  who 
you  are,  or  where  the  devil  you  come  from. 

Dropper  was  bewildered. 

"  It  is  a  positive  fact,"  continued  Spout.  "  Why, 
bless  your  innocent  eyes,  a  woman  of  fashion  no 
more  knows  the  names  of  the  individuals  who  attend 
her  grand  party,  than  she  knows  who  took  tea  last 
night  with  the  man  in  the  moon.  She  merely  orders 
music  and  provisions,  makes  out  a  list  of  a  few  per- 
sons she  must  have,  has  her  rooms  actually  mea- 
sured, allows  eight  inches  square  to  a  guest ;  thus 
having  estimated  the  number  that  can  crowd  into  her 
house,  she  multiplies  it  by  two,  which  gives  the 
amount  of  invitations  to  be  issued,  after  which  she 
leaves  the  rest  to  Brown.  Brown  takes  the  list; 
Brown  finds  the  required  number  of  guests.  Brown 
invites  whom  he  pleases ;  Brown  fills  the  house  with 
people,  and  Brown,  and  only  Brown,  knows  who 
they  are,  where  they  came  from,  or  how  the  deuce 
they  got  their  invitations." 

Dropper,  still  more  bewildered,  inquired  who 
Brown  was. 

"  Brown,"  explained  John  Spoilt,  "  is  the  Magnus 
Apollo  of  fashionable  society — he  is  the  sexton  of 


BEOWN.  307 

Graceless  Chapel,  and  no  one  can  be  decently  mar- 
ried, or  fashionably  buried  without  his  assistance. 
He  has  a  wedding  face  and  a  funeral  face,  but  never 
forgets  himself  and  cries  over  the  bride  or  laughs  at 
the  mourners ;  he  is  great  as  a  sexton,  but  it  is  only 
in  his  character  of  master  of  ceremonies  at  a  party, 
that  he  rises  into  positive  sublimity — he  is  the  con- 
soler of  aspiring  unfashionables,  who  have  got  plenty 
of  money,  and  want  to  cut  a  swell,  but  don't  know 
how  to  begin.  He  is  the  furnisher  of  raw  material 
on  short  notice,  for  fashionable  parties  of  all  dimen- 
sions ;  his  genius  is  equal  to  any  emergency,  though, 
as  the  latest  fashion  is  to  invite  three  times  as  many 
people  as  can  get  into  the  house  at  any  one  time, 
Brown  is  often  put  to  his  trumps.  Mrs.  Codde  Fishe 
last  week  wanted  to  give  a  party,  and,  of  course, 
called  on  Brown.  Brown  measured  the  parlors ; 
they  would  only  hold  1728,  even  by  putting  the 
chairs  down  cellar,  and  turning  the  piano  up  end- 
ways. Mrs.  Codde  Fishe  was  in  despair.  Mrs. 
P.  ISTutt  had  received  1800  at  her  party  the  night 
before,  and  if  she  couldn't  have  2000  she  would  be 
ruined.  Brown's  genius  saved  her.  *  Mrs.  F.,' said 
he,  '  though  we  must  invite  2000  people,  and  though 
we  must  have  2000  people  in  the  house,  they  need 
not  be  all  there  at  one  time,  and  they  need  not  all 
stay.' 


SOS  SPOUT  EXPATIATES  UPON 

" '  Certainly  not,'  said  Mrs.  Fislie. 

" '  I'll  manage  it,'  said  the  indefatigable  Brown-— 
and  Brown  did  manage  it.  He  got  272  retail  dry- 
goods  clerks,  whom  there  didn't  anybody  know, 
dressed  them  in  white  gloves  and  the  required 
fixens,  so  they  looked  almost  as  well  as  men.  "Well, 
sir,  if  you'll  believe  it,  Brown  had  his  272  clerks 
arrive  at  the  door,  eleven  at  a  time,  in  hired  hack- 
ney-coaches, announced  them,  by  high-flown  names, 
to  the  hostess,  had  them  march  in  single  file  through 
the  parlors  to  the  back  door,  where  he  had  a  man 
waiting  to  conduct  them  over  the  garden-fence  by  a 
step-ladder,  and  so  get  them  out  of  the  way  to  make 
room  for  more. 

"  Mrs.  Lassiz  Candee  had  but  1439  names  on  her 
list;  she  wanted  1800.  Brown  was  summoned. 
Brown  heard  the  trouble.  Brown  produced  from 
his  pocket  a  list  of  names  twenty-one  yards  in  length. 
For  a  moderate  compensation  he  furnished  Mrs. 
Candee  with  a  yard  and  a  half  of  literary  celebrities, 
three  yards  of  '  Shanghaes,'  five  yards  and  a  quarter 
of  polka  dancers,  and  about  fourteen  feet  of  foreign- 
ers, with  beards  and  moustaches  for  show-pieces, 
and  to  give  the  thing  a  '  researcha '  look. 

"  But,  not  to  be  too  tiresome.  Dropper,  I  am  on 
Brown's  list  of  eligibles,  and  can  get  your  name 
added,  also." 


THE  GENIUS  OF  BEOWN.  309 

Eemington  eagerly  accepted  the  offer,  and  three 
days  after  they  found  on  their  table  two  huge  enve- 
lopes, addressed  respectively  to  "  Mr.  John  Spout," 
and  "  Mr.  Kemington  Dropper."  Remington,  trem- 
bling with  haste,  broke  open  his  at  once,  and  dis- 
covered a  card  about  the  size  of  a  washboard,  on 
which  was  a  communication  to  the  effect  that  Mrs. 
Throughby  Daylight  requested  the  pleasure  of  the 
company  of  Mr.  Remington  Dropper,  and  that  it 
was  to  be  a  fancy  dress  party,  and  he  was  requested 
to  appear  in  costume,  all  of  which  he  only  discovered 
by  calling  John  Spout  to  his  assistance,  who  conde- 
scendingly explained  everything. 

Remington  was  overjoyed,  but  in  answer  to  all  his 
anxious  inquiries  concerning  the  manner  of  procur- 
ing the  invitation,  he  only  elicited  fr^m  John  Spout 
the  mysterious  monosyllable,  Bkown  I 

"What  does  it  mean  by  coming  'in  costume?^ 
How  am  I  to  dress?  What  shall  I  put  on,  and 
where  shall  I  get  it  ?"  inquired  he. 

John  explained.  "  It  means  that  you  are  to  dis- 
guise yourself  in  an  un- Christian  attire  of  some 
description,  making  yoaj'self  look  as  unlike  a  'human 
gentleman '  as  possible — call  yourself  a  '  Gondolier,' 
a  '  Brigand,'  a  '  Minstrel  Boy,'  or  some  other  senti- 
mental or  romantic  name,  and  cut  as  big  a  splurge 


310  AN    INVITATION. 

ill  your  borrowed  clothes  as  possible.  K  you  know 
anybody  who  belongs  to  the  theatre,  you  can  easily 
borrow  a  rig ;  if  not,  you'll  have  to  hire  it  of  a  Jew, 
and  give  security  that  you'll  bring  it  back." 

For  four  days  Mr.  Dropper  was  in  a  state  of 
feverish  undecision  respecting  his  choice  of  a  char- 
acter. At  the  end  of  that  time  he  was  still  wavering 
between  a  "Turk,"  a  "Monk,"  and  "  JackSheppard." 
By  John  Spout's  suggestion  he  resolved  to  decide 
the  matter  by  a  throw  of  the  dicffe,  which  method 
made  a  "  Turk  "  of  him  for  the  eventful  evening,  the 
"  Monk  "  getting  deuce,  ace,  and  a  five,  "  Jack  Shep- 
pard"  scoring  but  eleven,  while  his  oriental  highness 
came  off  victorious,  by  means  of  two  fours  and  a  six. 
John  Spout  was  going  as  a  Choctaw  Indian,  so  that 
he  could  smoke  all  the  time  and  no  one  would  find 
fault  and  say  that  he  was  vulgar. 

The  wished-for  evening  arrived,  and  Remington 
began  to  dress  at  four  in  the  afternoon,  so  as  to  be  in, 
time.  By  the  assistance  of  two  Irishmen  and  a  black 
boy  he  got  his  dress  on  at  half-past  six ;  and  at  a 
quarter  to  seven  he  sunk  exhausted  into  a  arm-chair, 
and  went  to  sleep. 

John's  own  toilette  was  quickly  made ;  he  had 
borrowed  his  dress  from  a  friend,  who  attended  in 
person  to  put  it  on  for  him. 


THE  TUHK   AND  CHOCTAW.  311 

When  they  were  ready,  the  black  boy  was  dis- 
patched for  a  hack,  into  which  they  both  got ;  after 
experiencing  some  difficulty  from  Spout's  war  club, 
which  got  tangled  in  Eemington's  trousers,  and  being 
a  good  deal  exasperated  by  Dropper's  scimitar 
which  would  get  between  John  Spout's  legs  and 
interfere  with  his  breech  cloth. 

At  last  they  approximated  the  house,  and  their 
carriage  took  its  place  in  the  rear  of  a  long  line 
which  had  formed  in  front  of  Mrs.  Throughby  Day- 
light's mansion,  and  anxiously  waited  for  those  in 
front  to  move  out  of  the  way,  and  give  them  a 
chance  to  get  out. 

They  could  hear  in  the  distance  the  shrill  whistle 
and  the  voice  of  the  indefatigable  Brown,  shouting 
"  Room  for  Mrs.  Rosewood's  carriage ;"  "  Clear  the 
way  for  Mrs.  Fizgiggle's  vehicle ;"  "  Let  Mrs.  Funk's 
establishment .  come  up ;"  and  then  Brown  would 
disappear  into  the  house,  and  a  faint  echo  of  Brown 
would  be  heard  from  the  inside,  announcing  these  visi- 
tors as  ^'Mrs.  Noseblood,"  Mrs.  Buzfiggle,"  and  "  Mrs. 
Junk,"  it  being  a  peculiarity  of  Brown,  that  although 
he  might  get  the  names  of  the  guests  right  the  first 
time,  he  never  announced  them  at  the  door  without 
some  ludicrous  jperversion. 

Our  friends  at  length  attained  the  entrance,  and. 


312  THE  ELEPHANTS  AT 

having  been  interrogated  by  Brown  as  to  who  they 
were,  and  having  told  him  "  a  Turk  "  and  "  a  Choc- 
taw," they  were  instantly  ushered  by  that  individual 
into  the  presence  of  the  versicolored  crowd,  and 
announced,  in  a  voice  of  thunder,  as  "  Mr.  Squirt " 
and  "  Mr.  Bucksaw." 

As  they  had  come  in  a  carriage  and  were  prepared 
for  immediate  conquest,  they  had  no  overcoats  or 
hats  to  dispose  of,  and  were  consequently  ushered 
directly  into  the  first  of  the  three  parlors,  they  held 
a  consultation  as  to  which  was  the  hostess;  and  what 
the  least  perilous  manner  of  getting  at  her,  concluded 
that  it  was  not  necessary  for  a  Turk  or  a  Heathen  to 
be  so  particular  about  the  rules  of  Christian  society, 
and  so  they  dispensed  with  the  usual  entering  salute. 

Remington  Dropper  soon  found  that  he  was  not 
the  only  oriental  in  the  room ;  there  were  four  other 
Turks,  and  a  great  many  Moguls,  so*  that  he  only 
made  up  the  half  dozen,  but  he  consoled  himself 
with  the  reflection  that  his  turban  was  the  biggest, 
and  that  the  toes  of  his  slippers  *turned  up  higher 
til  an  any  of  the  rest. 

But  beside  the  "malignant  and  the  turbaned 
Turks,"  there  was  a  great  variety  of  other  unex- 
pected characters  on  exhibition  in  Mrs.  Daylight's 
apartments — ^liings,  queens,   gipsies,  and   highway- 


THE  FANCY   DKESS  JAM. 


SI 


men,  milkmaids,  who  not  only  couldn't  milk,  but 
probably  couldn't  tell  a  cow  from  a  cod-fish,  pea- 
sant-girls with  jewelry  enough  on  for  princesses,  and 
princesses  with  red  faces  and  feet /big  enough  for 
peasants,  tambourine  girls  begging  for  pennies  which 
they  couldn't  get,  and  bouquet  girls  trying  to  sell 
flowers  from  a  l^rge  assortment,  consisting  of  two 
geranium  leaves  and  a  rose-bud,  French  grisettes, 
who  couldn't  speak  French,  and  Spanish  noblemen, 
who  talked  most  unmistakable  down-east  Yankee, 
Highlanders  with  pasteboard  shields  and  bare  knees, 
army  officers  who  didn't  know  how  to  shoulder  arms, 
sailors  who  couldn't  tell  the  keel  from  the  jib-boom, 


314  THE   CHAKAOTERS. 

or  swear  positively  that  the  tiller  wasn't  the  long- 
boat, the  Queen  of  Sheba  in  gold  spectacles,  robbers, 
brigands,  freebooters,  corsairs,  bandits,  pirates,  fenc- 
caneers,  highwaymen,  fillibusters,  and  smugglers  in 
such  qujintities,  that  it  might  be  supposed  that  our 
best  society  two-thirds  made  up  of  these  amiable 
persons.  Ther^  were  three  Paul  Prys,  four  Irish- 
men, and  thirteen  Yankees,  equipped  with  jackknives 
and  shingles,  seven  Hamlets,  and  fourteen  Ophelias, 
one  Lear,  two  Kichards,  and  five  Shylocks,  eight 
Macbeths,  three  Fitz  James,  and  half  a  dozen  Rob 
Hoys,  who  made  a  very  respectable  assortment  of 
Scotchmen ;  there  were  also  twenty-one  monks,  quite 
a  r^.giment ;  this  was  considered  strange,  but  the  next 
day,  when  most  of  the  silver  was  missing,  it  was 
immediately  surmised  that  these  reverend  gentlemen 
were  thieves,  who  had  obtained  surreptitious  admis- 
sion, and  carried  off  the  valuables  under  their  priestly 
rob^s. 

There  were  also  a  few  ladies,  particular  triends  of 
the  hostess,  who  appeared,  by  perriiission,  in  no  cos- 
tume more  ridiculous  than  that  which  they  were 
accustomed  to  wear  daily,  but  who  displayed  the 
usual  amount  of  whalebone  developments. 

After  the  band  arrived  and  was  stationed  in  the 
v^u8crvatory  out  of  sight,  an  attempt  was  made  to  get 


ATTEMPTS   AT    DANCING. 


315 


up  a  dance.  Spout  introduced  Dropper  to  a  prin- 
cess of  his  acquaintance,  and  Dropper,  as  in  duty 
bound,  asked  her  to  waltz,  and  actually  proceeded 
to  carry  out  his  intention. 

As  some  sixty  other  couples  attempted  the  same 
feat  at  the  same  time,  and  as  there  wasn't  room  for 
any  one  man  to  dance  without  stepping  on  the  heels 
of  his  neighbor,  the  scene  instantly  assumed  a  pecu- 
liar appearance.  Dropper  first  whisked  his  partner 
against  a  flower  girl  and  upset  her  basket,  then 
against  a  Paul  Pry,  and  demolished  his  horn  specta- 
cles,  then  he  tumbled  her  into  the  stomach  of  a  Fal- 
staff  and  rolled  him  into  the  window  curtains,  then 


216  THE  RESULT. 

lie  himself  stepped  ou  tlie  favorite  corn  of  a  tall 
Hamlet,  and  pushed  his  elbows  into  a  Shylock  and 
broke  his  false  hooked  nose,  and  they  both  concluded 
their  gyrations  by  upsetting  a  couple  of  brigands, 
and  marching  deliberately  over  the  prostrate  bodies 
of  Helen  McGregor  and  a  matchboy  in  their  pro- 
gress to  a  sofa,  which  they  finally  reached  in  an 
exhausted  condition;  the  lady  wanted  some  water, 
which  Remington  started  to  get  but  didn't  come 
back,  inasmuch  as  he  hurt  his  shins  by  tumbling 
over  a  chair  and  fell  to  the  floor,  carrying  with  him 
in  his  descent  a  fairy  in  one  hand  and  a  Fitz  James 
in  the  other.  The  crowd  immediately  closed  around 
him,  so  that  he  could  not  rise,  and,  as  he  was  involun- 
tarily reposing  directly  upon  the  hot  air  register,  he 
w?.s  more  than  half  cooked  before  he  got  rescued  out. 

The  attempt  to  dance  created  also  no  small  amount 
of  confusion  among  the  others,  about  twenty-five  of 
whom  were  precipitated  into  the  conservatory  and 
dispersed  through  the  orchestra.  King  Lear  landed 
with  his  head  in  a  French  horn,  and  Byron's  Corsair 
was  seen  to  demolish  two  violins  with  his  hands  at 
precisely  the  same  time  he  kicked  both  feet  through 
tlie  bass  drum.  # 

Supper  came  at  last,  and  the  guests  were  fed  in 
installments,  as  many  getting  near  the  tables  as  could 


A  GEAND  SMASH.  317 

crowd  into  the  rooms.  Jellies,  creams,  fruits,  and 
the  more  substantial  articles  of  the  repast,  were 
devoured,  and  scattered  over  the  carpets,  and  over 
the  dresses  of  the  assembled  multitude,  in  about  equal 
quantities.  Champagne  corks  flew,  and  all  the  men 
of  whatever  nation,  trade,  or  occupation  represented 
in  that  incongruous  assemblage,  seemed  to  understand 
perfectly  well  what  champagne  was.  Kings  drank 
with  peasants,  brigands  touched  glasses  with  monks, 
and  Shy  lock  the  Jew  took  a  friendly  drink  with  her 
majesty  the  Queen  of  Sheba. 

After  supper  the  smash  recommenced,  and  things 
grew  worse,  and  the  characters,  by  continued  exer- 
tion and  repeated  accidents,  became  so  changed  in 
appearance  by  the  mutilation  of  their  fancy  dresses, 
that  at  three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  no  one  could 
have  picked  out  any  one'  of  the  remaining  guests  and 
told  whether  he  was  intended  for  an  Italian  brigand 
or  an  Irish  washerwoman. 

Our  friends  reached  home  about  daylight,  tired, 
draggled,  disgusted,  and  drunk,  l^either  of  them 
undressed,  but  both  slept  on  the  floor  in  the  remains 
of  their  fancy  costume,  and  in  all  their  paint ;  they 
didn't  get  their  faces  clean  for  ten  days,  but  Rem- 
ington Dropper  had  seen  the  Elephant  in  one  of  his 
Fifth  Avenue  aspects,  and  was  content. 


[Exeunt  Omnes.}— Shakespeakk. 

A  FEW  days  after  the  events  recorded  in  the  lasu 
chapter,  a  letter  was  received  at  the  residence  of  one     mM 
of  the  compilers  of  these  records,  superscribed 

Q.  K.  PHILANDER  DOESTICKS,  P.  B. 

The  communication  was  signed  by  John  Spout,  and 
the  writer,  after  apologizing  for  communicatiug  with 
a  perfect  stranger,  stated  his  reasons  for  so  doing. 
It  seems  from  the  communication  that  Mr.  Spout 
was  informed  by  a  friend  who  was  in  the  confidence 
of  the  United  States  Marshal,  that  Mr.  Spout  and 
others  were  accustomed  to  meet  in  a  room  on  Broad- 
way, and  that  they  were  strongly  suspected  of  being 
engaged  in  the  organization  of  a  fillibustering  expe- 
dition to  l^icaraugua,  and  furthermore,  that  it  was 
the  intention  of  the  officious  officials  of  the  United 
States  Government  to   make  a  descent  upon  the 

818 


THE  CLUB  IN  DANGER.  319 

premises  and  arrest  all  who  were  present  on  the  next 
regular  meeting.  Mr.  Spout  had  no  difficulty  in  con- 
vincing his  friend  of  the  entire  misapprehension  of 
the  officers.  But  in  the  fullness  of  his  modesty  the 
worthy  Higholdboy  thought  that  the  time  was  not 
arrived  when  it  would  be  prudent  to  announce 
to  the  world  the  fact  of  the  existence  of  a  scientific 
association,  organized  for  the  purpose  of  studying  the 
Elephant.  Furthermore,  he  did  not  like  to  be 
arrested,  even  though  he  would  be  acquitted,  fearing 
that  contact  with  stone  walls  might  aggravate  a 
chronic  catarrh  with  which  he  was  afflicted.  Under 
these  circumstances,  he  called  a  mass  meeting  of  the 
members  of  the  club,  at  his  private  room,  where, 
after  a  session  of  fourteen  minutes  it  was  unanim- 
ously 

Besdl/ved,  That  the  Elephant  Club  cave  in  for  the 
present,  under  the  pressure  of  strong  necessity. 

Besolved^  That  the  landlord  of  the  Club  room 
whistle  for  the  arrearage  of  rent. 

Resolved^  That  Q.  K.  Philander  Doesticks,  P.  B., 
we  have  every  reason  to  believe,  will  fully  appreci- 
ate the  high  character  of  the  objects  of  the  Elephant 
Club. 

Resolved^  That  he  is  hereby  authorized  to  go  to 
che  Elephant  Club  room,  secure  the  records  and 


320  THE  LAST  OF 

Buch  other  property  therein  contained,  as  he  may 
desire. 

Besolved^  That  the  said  Q.'K.  Philander  Doe- 
sticks,  P.  B.,  is  further  authorized  to  compile  the 
said  records  for  publication,  if  he  thinks  the  public 
can  be  induced  to  buy  the  book  when  it  is  pub- 
lished ;  and  he  is  further  authorized  to  reorganize  the 
Club  in  accordance  with  the  same  principles  of  the 
old  organization,  and  when  the  present  federal 
administration  goes  out  of  power,  the  present  mem- 
bers will  again  put  on  the  scientific  harness,  and 
gladly  co-operate  with  the  club  so  formed,  to  secure 
the  ends  desired. 

In  accordance  with  the  request  contained,  Mr. 
Doesticks  did  go  to  the  premises  designated,  where 
he  found  said  records,  and  a  variety  of  articles  of  fur- 
niture in  a  state  of  chronic  demolition.  The  records 
he  carried  away — the  furniture  he  did  not.  An  ex- 
amination of  the  documents  satisfied  Doesticks  that ' 
if  properly  compiled,  and  published,  the  work  would 
sell.  But  feeling  himself  incompetent  to  the  task  of 
preparation  unaided — ^the  work  being  of  a  scientific 
character — ^he  decided  to  call  to  his  assistance  his 
friend  Elnight  Russ  Ockside.  In  his  youth  this 
gentleman  had  the  advantage  of  being  employed  in 
Bweeping  out  the  medical  college  in  Thirteenth  street 


THE   ELEPHANT    CLUB.  321 

and  was  once  severely  injured  wlien  young  by  being 
hit  with  a  medical  book  on  the  head ;  and  these  facts 
it  was  generally  conceded,'  in  accordance  with  the 
spirit  of  modem  progression,  entitled  him  to  the  hon- 
orary degree  of  M.  D.  The  scientific  part  of  the 
work  of  compilation  was  therefore  left  to  Dr.  Ock- 
side,  who  has  endeavored  to  do  full  justice  to  the 
subject.  Doesticks  has  reorganized  the  Elephant 
Club,  and  applications  for  membership  will  be 
received  by  him  at  "No.  YOOOl,  E"arrow  street. 

N.  B.  Applicants  will  be  particular  to  bring  testi- 
monials as  to  character. 


ISTo  persons  will  be  i^eceived  against  whom  a 

shadow  of  suspicion  exists  that  they  are  of  foreign 

birth,  whilst  to  be  a  native  would  be  a  permanent 

bar  to  their  membership. 
21 


THE  END. 


*    ^;        ^% 


GENERAL  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA— BERKELEY 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or  on  the 

date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


JAIU  6  1355  lJU 


^PR9->f? 


63 


21-100m-l,'54(1887sl6)476 


M109670 

06(c 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  UBRARY 


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